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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"The only thing that matters is a healthy baby"

120 replies

confuddledDOTcom · 17/05/2011 18:52

I thought I'd spin this off from the other thread and see what others thought about it.

I really loathe and detest that phrase. As someone who has lost a baby and has had premature babies who are both affected by their prematurity (my partner has two other children, the eldest has a heart condition) I'd rather someone said they'd really love to have a girl or a boy than say "the only thing that matters is a healthy baby" surely the only thing that should matter is a living baby?

What does that make my girls or my stepchild? They're not the healthy baby that's the only thing that's supposedly all that matters. How about children with physical disabilities, SEN or serious health complications? I wonder what those people who only want a healthy baby would do if they have a sick or disabled child.

Whereas saying "I really want a boy/girl" is a valid preferences, you can have one or the other and it's not a health issue, ones not better than the other, they're just equal preferences. It doesn't suggest the person doesn't care about their child if it's the "wrong" sex.

What really annoys me is when people say "how dare you have preference? Think of the women who've lost children" No, please don't think of me. I've lost a baby and still had a preference each time! How dare you verbalise my thoughts on my behalf?!

I should add that my children are not a disappointment and I don't get upset because I think people are suggesting it. I just think that phrase is worse than a sex preference and I get annoyed at people verbalising on my behalf.

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 17/05/2011 20:50

YABU I have 4 DS's and although I desperately wanted a daughter with my last ds - healthy was 1st prize obviously. I was a tad disappointed he was a boy but very grateful he was healthy. I suspect its very normal to want healthy 1st and only then personal preference would come into it. Yes you would love a child who isnt but there is no-one that would not hope for it for their children.

duke748 · 17/05/2011 20:54

OP, with the greatest respect... you are being unreasonable.

When I was pregnant I hoped my bump would end up in a healthy baby. For the simple reason that any kind of ill health usually means some form (to whatever degree) of hurt/suffering for the baby.

It doesn't mean I would 'discard' an unhealthy baby, of course not. But if I was hoping for anything for my baby it was (still is now he's here!) a happy life. I'm not saying an unhealthy person can't be happy, but ill health is hard and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

cory · 17/05/2011 21:03

I have two children with disabilities and I am absolutely clear about the fact that I would rather they were both healthy. I am not rejecting them as people, because I admit the fact that I don't see it as an advantage to be ill and in pain. They would find me a hypocrite if I pretended I thought so, since they know perfectly well that I am not prepared to let anyone bash my limbs about to gain this advantage. If it's not good enough for me, then it's not good enough for them. When my younger relatives get ready to start families I pray silently that their children will not have inherited the condition- that isn't a rejection of my own dcs, just a wish that other people will have an easier ride.

BlackSwan · 17/05/2011 21:39

OP - I think people repeat "I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy..." when they're pregnant as a superstitious mantra. I'm sure I said that and "I just hope it arrives safely" many times whilst pregnant.

You are being extremely harsh and judgmental toward people who are merely being honest that they hope their children are born free of any physical or medical affliction. That, my friend, is normal.

chipmonkey · 17/05/2011 22:27

Agree with BlackSwan. Ds2 told me that a girl in his class asked him if I'd like a girl and told him that all women want a daughter. I told him to tell her I didn't care as long as the baby was healthy. The truth is that I do wish health and happiness for my baby and do long for a daughter but I wasn't giving a snidey 12 year old any reason to make ds2 feel bad! ( Girl in question has a history of saying mean things to ds2 who is a sweetheart!)

exoticfruits · 17/05/2011 22:31

Surely the one thing that anyone would wish on their unborn child-before anything else- is good health? You may not get it-you still love it just the same, but it must be everyone's foremost wish. I certainly shall not stop saying it-it is the most important thing-anything else is trivial in comparison.

GotArt · 17/05/2011 22:39

I haven't read through the thread.

IMO, I think it goes without saying that one would want a healthy and live baby, that's why the phrase bothers me.

I, for one, want a boy for my second baby (10 days left till due date Grin ) as this will be the only other one DH and I are having. One of each, that's I want. Actually, I desperately want a boy. If we have a girl, I won't love her any less, but yes, there will be some initial disappointment, I admit it, in that we didn't have a boy. Girls names were far easier for DH and I to pick out though.

working9while5 · 17/05/2011 22:41

ellodarlin raises a good point about how preference has nothing to do with terminal illness, prematurity or death.

I think people avoid talking about these realities with pregnant women for good reason.

I saw the opposite happen on fb. A friend was expecting a baby and posted about her discomfort - she was 14 days overdue. It wasn't a particularly dramatic status update, simply a whinge.

Someone posted: "you wouldn't whinge so much if your baby died. Cheer up love, it might never happen."

It was the nastiest thing I ever saw. I assume there must have been some pain underlying it, but that didn't make it reasonable or acceptable.

I think you've been through some of the worst experiences anyone can ever go through but in this instance, no one is saying it as you think they are, even if they say it's the "only thing that matters". It's a euphemism for life, really.. and a healthy life. That's so important but I can't imagine the feeling of grief when you've been through that process and not had that outcome so your feelings are certainly reasonable.

BadRoly · 17/05/2011 22:43

When we sat in the consultants office and were told our 2 month old son would likely be being booked in for open heart surgery at the next appointment, all I wanted was a healthy baby. I don't think it is offensive or demeaning to want that for our children.

t0lk13n · 17/05/2011 22:45

Having a disabled son, who will always be dependant, but who is healthy but physically disabled and a prematurely born son I think that it is ok to say 'as long as it is healthy'. I say it myself. I think that the sex of a baby is irrelevant but the health of a baby is. This is only my opinion.

onceamai · 17/05/2011 22:49

I think you are grieving op for the lives your dc might have had had they been healthy and for better times. I hope you get through this and that the dc have happy lives. I do appreciate where you are coming from; when our ds2 was born (and he was with us for a very short time) I didn't hope for a healthy baby I hoped for a baby who would live regardless of his disabilities. Good luck love - and I hope you come to terms with what you have been through and that better times are ahead.

plupervert · 17/05/2011 23:01

Surely we want our babies to be healthy for their own sake, too!

niccibabe · 18/05/2011 01:56

"I just want a healthy baby" would be much nicer than "I don't care if it's a boy or girl, so long as it's healthy". It's fine IMO to want a healthy baby, nobody wants to wish ill-health on their unborn child. For me the problem lies with "so long as", I agree with the OP - it sounds as if the child is less wanted wanted if not healthy - even though the child may well be loved just as much anyway. It's just one of those expressions that people should think about before they open their mouths.

GotArt · 18/05/2011 02:06

Kind of like the one where you tell people you're pregnant and they ask 'was it planned?'

5DollarShake · 18/05/2011 03:28

I think YABU, but I do understand why.

However, when I have said this in the past, I have meant it. Having a healthy baby is all that matters.

The gender didn't matter, when it arrived didn't matter, etc, etc. That it was healthy did matter.

It doesn't follow that an unhealthy baby doesn't matter. Just that out of all the unknowns that the birth of a baby brings, the only one that matters is the health of the baby.

HRHShoesytwoesy · 18/05/2011 06:51

yanbu, my dd is healthy but disabled, so can see what you mean

Jude89 · 18/05/2011 07:36
(probably nsfw)
DialMforMummy · 18/05/2011 08:12

For once I can comfortably sit on the fence. I understand where you are coming from OP but as it has been mentioned above, maybe you are reading a bit too much in a throw away phrase.
And surely, saying a "healthy baby" is not quite as macabre as saying "a live baby", or what else are you supposed to say?

VivaLeBeaver · 18/05/2011 08:16

But surely even people with disabled children/children with health problems would prefer that their own child was healthy given that option? I know that those children will be loved, cherised and wanted just as much as if they weren't poorly and disabled but its got to be better for the child and family if there weren't difficulties.

I work with a lot of parents who have babies in SCBU, unexpected health problems, etc. They're very grateful that their babies are alive but I know that they also wish they were healthy. It doesn't mean that they don't love them or don't want them.

KittieCat · 18/05/2011 08:27

Surely this is about what people are 'hoping' for and surely no expectant parent hopes for anything other than a healthy baby. Some people may have a gender preference but surely the main hope is for health?

I can't imagine I would have loved my ds any less had he been unwell in any way but I certainly wouldn't have hoped for him to be anything other than healthy.

Fwiw I also hoped for a swift and pain free labour... hmmm!

pirateparty · 18/05/2011 09:55

My answer to the boy/ girl question is 'either is welcome!'.

Bunbaker · 18/05/2011 09:59

"You're being ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with hoping your baby is healthy. It doesn't make children with issues any less valuable but it would be lying to pretend that every pg woman doesn't start the journey hoping for a healthy child."

I agree. Having had to look after a child with serious medical issues is not a walk in the park. I loved my daughter regardless, but I would rather that she hadn't had to spend so much time in hospital. Fortunately her problems have now been resolved.

Katiebeau · 18/05/2011 10:02

Hello OP. I understand what you're saying. What most people mean is they wish and pray for a healthy child above all else. Of course if baby is poorly in someway it doesn't make them anyless a whole person to love, you just hope they won't have such problems. Someone once asked me I if love DD less because she wasn't perfect - because she has a lazy eye and squint! Hmm Some people don't realise you can love a child with your heart and soul despite them not been their perceived version of perfect.Your children are all lucky to have such a loving and protective Mum.

Bunbaker · 18/05/2011 10:10

"Someone once asked me I if love DD less because she wasn't perfect - because she has a lazy eye and squint! "

What a tosser. I didn't love my daughter "in spite of her difficulties", but loved her more because she was so vulnerable. I can't get my head around why people think like this. Is it ignorance?

Katiebeau · 18/05/2011 11:15

I think so Bun - my FIL once asked if it meant she had learning difficulties or would be dyslexic. This was after we explained how it can be fixed (we are so lucky, it is such minor issue and fixable too) and that I had been the same.

I was so mad I had to leave the room. I feel very protective towards DD especially if someone just zooms in on this silly minor thing. So I can completely understand how you can love a person even more due to their vunerabilities in this sometimes unkind world.

It's just ignorance and fear of people who are different that make people say stupid things. We have a friend with a very disabled little boy who comes to all the parties and is welcomed just like all the other children and I have never ever seen a child poke fun or avoid him, they go out of their way to include him. I have seen parents turn away..........