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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"The only thing that matters is a healthy baby"

120 replies

confuddledDOTcom · 17/05/2011 18:52

I thought I'd spin this off from the other thread and see what others thought about it.

I really loathe and detest that phrase. As someone who has lost a baby and has had premature babies who are both affected by their prematurity (my partner has two other children, the eldest has a heart condition) I'd rather someone said they'd really love to have a girl or a boy than say "the only thing that matters is a healthy baby" surely the only thing that should matter is a living baby?

What does that make my girls or my stepchild? They're not the healthy baby that's the only thing that's supposedly all that matters. How about children with physical disabilities, SEN or serious health complications? I wonder what those people who only want a healthy baby would do if they have a sick or disabled child.

Whereas saying "I really want a boy/girl" is a valid preferences, you can have one or the other and it's not a health issue, ones not better than the other, they're just equal preferences. It doesn't suggest the person doesn't care about their child if it's the "wrong" sex.

What really annoys me is when people say "how dare you have preference? Think of the women who've lost children" No, please don't think of me. I've lost a baby and still had a preference each time! How dare you verbalise my thoughts on my behalf?!

I should add that my children are not a disappointment and I don't get upset because I think people are suggesting it. I just think that phrase is worse than a sex preference and I get annoyed at people verbalising on my behalf.

OP posts:

spidookly · 17/05/2011 19:21

It's not hoping for a healthy baby that's obnoxious, it's stating that it's the only thing that matters.

People are allowed to think that other things matter too.

aswellasyou · 17/05/2011 19:22

I always said i hoped it was a baby! I don't think people mean this in the way you're taking it. The only thing I cared about was the health of my baby. I think it's normal to hope your baby is born healthy. In no way am I saying that if my daughter had been born with anything 'wrong' with her that I would have loved her or cared for her any less.
I do understand why you dislike the phrase though.

CJMommy · 17/05/2011 19:22

Why is it wrong to wish for a healthy baby? It does not translate to 'if my baby isn't healthy then I don't want it / won't love it'. Doesn't everyone hope that their baby will be ok/well/healthy?

I think I understand the point you are trying to make though.

Wirlies · 17/05/2011 19:22

As a mother of a much-loved but very unhealthy baby, I'm not sure what it is exactly that you're reacting too. Nobody who says that phrase is suggesting that they won't love an un-healthy child, or indeed that an unhealthy child is less valid or lovable.
I think it's just that people are saying 'I don't care about the sex, the hair colour, the weight' - they recognise these as secondary.
We all long for healthy babies.
My very un-healthy baby died. I'd've loved it if he was healthy - because it would mean he was still here with me.

Cocoflower · 17/05/2011 19:22

People say it because its true.

Im pregnant right now- and yes sex is irrelevant over our deepest wishes for our born child to come out healthy mainly for their own sake.

That doesnt mean they wont matter if they are not healthy- but right now before we know for sure our main concern is the health not the sex.

ellodarlin · 17/05/2011 19:23

I hate it too. My baby isn't 'healthy' and the idea that I had a preference for a particular gender meant that I didn't give a shit if my baby survived or not is a fecking cheek. I have only ever heard people use this phrase in relation to gender and its got nothing to do with it. People either have a boy or a girl, they don't have a boy or a girl or an 'unhealthy' baby. I don't think its 'off' if its in the context of health but I've never heard anyone use it in that context.

chunkythighs · 17/05/2011 19:23

yrbvvvvu, OP its a stock response when someone makes it obvious that they are pregnant. It's nothing more than polite acknowledgment that you are pregnant and hope it fulfills your expectations.

Similar to 'How are you?', I must say that 100 times a day and actually mean it 2-3 times a week. Imagine actually really telling everyone how you actually feel each time you were asked? Worse having to listen!

Happygomummy · 17/05/2011 19:23

Whilst I'm sympathetic to the unintended discomfort this phrase may bring to those who have had children with SN or illness, I think it is insane to suggest that those saying it are implying that an "unhealthy" baby is somehow less loved/wanted?? Surely, for the sake of the CHILD, you want it to be as healthy as possible?

Personally, I was born with a deformity and I was desperate for my children to avoid it too, which they did. Had they the same deformity would I have loved them less?? Of course I wouldn't!!

Re boy or girl, I think having a strong preference then being "devastated" when the other colour appears (which is what a girl stated on an earlier thread in "pregnancy") is to me just wrong. It is perhaps a luxury to some of those who have not struggled to get PG and have a child and who do not appreciate what an utter blessing a child, of either sex, is.

Sqee · 17/05/2011 19:24

YABU... and I think deep down you know it. Hoping for a healthy baby is perfectly normal.

hairylights · 17/05/2011 19:25

Surely, though, we would all choose a healthy baby as opposed to an unhealthy one if we had the choice. I pray for a healthy baby as I've lost three to early miscarriage most likely due disability due to poor egg quality. I hope and pray the baby I'm now carrying is now healthy with no disabilities.

UrsulaBuffay · 17/05/2011 19:25

I don't agree that the only thing that matters is life, I really think our health is a hugely important thing to all of us. I think you are taking something personally that doesn't need to be.

Pregnancy and birth is such a scary time, we worry for our & our infant's mortality & have no control over it. It can't be wrong to cling to the hope of health.

strandedbear · 17/05/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShowOfHands · 17/05/2011 19:28

I understand and don't like it as a qualifying statement. It's ok to hope for a healthy baby but I think it's when it's " as long as it's healthy". It's an unfortunate turn of phrase and I do wince at it. But I do think separating intention from the actual phrase helps as generally people are trying to be positive when they say it. I thoroughly agree though that to use 'don't have a gender preference, what about people who have ill/no babies' is a ridiculous and unfair argument. But then I am forever defending the right to a gender preference. It's a visceral reaction/want and something that's more complicated than people sometimes think.

I despise 'happy mummy happy baby' if we're on silly statements. Because it's often used as an excuse for what you want to do being more important that a baby's needs, it's unfair and untrue on a literal level too.

Northernlurker · 17/05/2011 19:29

Sorry yes yabu. I think 'healthy' means 'not likely to die in babyhood or childhood' and I am quite sure that is all we hope for isn't it? It doesn't mean children with an illness and/or disability are being less valued or wouldn't be loved.

Original poster

confuddledDOTcom · 17/05/2011 19:37

Of course we all want a healthy baby and I've never said that we shouldn't wish for it. What I'm talking about is the "the only thing that matters" and also when people say they have a preference for boy/girl and people are told to remember those who have lost a baby, like if we've lost a baby we're not going to have a preference.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 17/05/2011 19:37

It is everyone's hope to have a healthy baby. If people are saying 'I really want a girl' I would think 'a baby is a gift not a commodity and all that matters is a healthy baby'-meaning 'get your priorities right!'
Of course if you don't have a healthy baby you love them just the same. But I am thankful, every single day that Ihave healthy children and realise that t could change at any point. I count my blessings. But I will continue to say all that matters is a healthy baby.

SmethwickBelle · 17/05/2011 19:38

They're saying the gender is of secondary importance to health, I don't see that as being unreasonable. Wishing people good health or hoping for good health isn't derogatory to people who are ill. Even ill people hope for good health surely?

I do concede that the phrase "as long as..." might carry overtones of "ANYTHING but..." but I honestly don't think people mean it in quite that way. I think the phrase is clunky, not people's motivation.

exoticfruits · 17/05/2011 19:41

I think that you are reading thigs into it that are not meant.

Honeybee79 · 17/05/2011 19:42

Hmm, but people just come out with that response when faced with the somewhat rude question of whether they'd like a boy or a girl. I said it loads (or words to that effect). What I actually meant was, "Oh be quiet, obviously I have nothing against either gender".

While it is a bit crass, I think ,most people mean that they would prefer a healthy baby to one of a particular gender. And there's nothing wrong with that.

SkyNewsAddict · 17/05/2011 19:43

Whilst I understand where you are coming from OP and can see that you find it hurtful, I think you are placing a lot of importance on what is basically a throw away comment that people use when asked a question that they will have already been asked 3 times that day. It becomes a stock answer for most pg women.

Thinking about it I think most of the time when I have heard that type of answer being used it is more casual, more like
^'What do you want, boy or girl?'
'Oh I don't mind really, just healthy'^
I don't think I can remember anyone saying 'the only thing that matters...'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2011 19:45

I don't think it's a bad statement. Not everything that people say is applicable to everybody else and it's not right for people to feel free to project their own experiences onto others. I think it's perfectly acceptable to state a preference of girl or boy and it's perfectly acceptable to say 'as long as it's healthy'. That statement is like a 'talisman' for some people, offering up their desire for a healthy child. It doesn't mean that they won't love or cope with a child that isn't healthy.

I think you're being unreasonable, OP. What if somebody comes up to you when you're vocalising your annoyance and says something like "well at least you can have children...". Keep quiet and let people be.

ShowOfHands · 17/05/2011 19:45

It's a bit naive to assume that somebody who has a gender preference isn't aware of the desire for good health. And it's wrong to tell somebody they shouldn't feel the way they do about gender, particularly not by implying they don't give a flying nun's chuff about the health of their baby or other people's babies.

I want a unicycle. It doesn't mean I don't want world peace or that I'm unaware of war in Afghanistan. I am allowed my feelings.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 17/05/2011 19:46

Gosh, I honestly haven't got a clue.

Food for thought, op.

boysrock · 17/05/2011 19:46

YABU,you have taken it out of context, the phrase is generally uttered in response to some well intentioned dimwit asking what you'd prefer, hope its a girl after 2 boys.

Ds has spina bidfida, I dont love him any less, wouldn't be without him and was border line livid when some fuckwit asks if I wanted a pink one as if the was the only thing that mattered.

No, actually, but I would give anything for him not to have had so many ops in his short life and not to have the threat of disability hanging over him.

HorseWhisperer · 17/05/2011 19:47

OP, with the greatest of respect and sympathy for your loss, YABVU. Every time I have been pregnant I have hoped for a healthy baby I would be lying if I said otherwise. My friend has a son with cerebral palsy, she tells me she hopes her next baby is born healthy, does this mean she loves her son any less - no.

Someone hoping and articulating that their child is born healthy is not insulting you, your suffering or your children.

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