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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"The only thing that matters is a healthy baby"

120 replies

confuddledDOTcom · 17/05/2011 18:52

I thought I'd spin this off from the other thread and see what others thought about it.

I really loathe and detest that phrase. As someone who has lost a baby and has had premature babies who are both affected by their prematurity (my partner has two other children, the eldest has a heart condition) I'd rather someone said they'd really love to have a girl or a boy than say "the only thing that matters is a healthy baby" surely the only thing that should matter is a living baby?

What does that make my girls or my stepchild? They're not the healthy baby that's the only thing that's supposedly all that matters. How about children with physical disabilities, SEN or serious health complications? I wonder what those people who only want a healthy baby would do if they have a sick or disabled child.

Whereas saying "I really want a boy/girl" is a valid preferences, you can have one or the other and it's not a health issue, ones not better than the other, they're just equal preferences. It doesn't suggest the person doesn't care about their child if it's the "wrong" sex.

What really annoys me is when people say "how dare you have preference? Think of the women who've lost children" No, please don't think of me. I've lost a baby and still had a preference each time! How dare you verbalise my thoughts on my behalf?!

I should add that my children are not a disappointment and I don't get upset because I think people are suggesting it. I just think that phrase is worse than a sex preference and I get annoyed at people verbalising on my behalf.

OP posts:

stillfeel18inside · 18/05/2011 13:13

I can see what you mean OP, but I think when people say "as long as it's healthy" it's a bit of a backlash against the idea that nowadays we have the right to a water birth listening to whale music or whatever because generally speaking childbirth has become a lot safer than 100+ years ago. Funnily enough, having a preference for gender is something that's always been there - in the past because of sons being useful/not costing as much as daughters through marriage etc.

youngwomanwholivesinashoe · 18/05/2011 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaWeasel · 18/05/2011 13:20

I do know what you mean. I want a boy, got a girl. Love her to bits, it's had no impact on her although yes, I was upset at the time which is why I chose to find out at the scan. This time I have no preference. Preferences don't translate into "I think girls/boys are better than boys/girls" it's much more complicated than that.

When certain people say "as long as the baby's healthy" I get the impression they actually mean "as long as the baby lives" but are trying to be polite about it.

justkeepingheadabovewater · 19/05/2011 21:41

Out of interest, what would you like them to say instead OP? Or is it just without the 'only' word?

porcamiseria · 19/05/2011 22:33

its just a silly phrase, dont let it bother you

ellodarlin · 19/05/2011 22:40

Why does it need to be said at all? Its completely redundant. Nobody hopes for an unhealthy baby. I've only heard it used in RL to smugly point out to someone that they ought to get their priorities straight because for some reason expressing a preference on gender gives the impression that you can't also prefer healthy over unhealthy.

bananasinpyjamas · 19/05/2011 22:48

A live baby is good enough for me. I lost one at 23 weeks and my second was 31 weeks but alive and now autistic but I love him more than the world. So long as its a healthy baby......pagh!

freddy05 · 19/05/2011 22:59

When I was pregnant with DD2 someone asked me if I wanted a boy this time my response was 'as long and this one makes it out alive I don't care what it is' The look on there face was awful as if they had done something awful by asking what they thought was just an interested question. At that moment i decided that 'as long as it's healthy' was a much fairer respose to people.

bananasinpyjamas · 19/05/2011 23:04

People don't realise how devastating the loss of a child is unless it has happened to them. Your whole world view changes. The norm is for everything to be straightforward but the more you talk to people the more you realise what problems people have faced and the more you wonder where exactly this norm came from?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/05/2011 23:56

Perhaps it will get to the stage where nobody asks after a pregnant woman at all, ever, for fear of saying the wrong thing and causing mortal offense with innocuous, kindly-meant words. No more proud mamas with their bumps anymore.. people will cross the road to avoid them.

It really is offensive to be so abrasive and downright rude if people bother to take the time to ask after you, only to receive an ill-mannered, drama-queen kind of response.

VforViennetta · 20/05/2011 00:13

I don't think it does anyone good to over analyse random comments from strangers. Everybody gets the "aren't you huge" "aren't you tiny" "you have your hands full" "haven't you got a TV" comments, it's just chit chat from people who don't live in a mumsnet bubble.

I think tbh YABU, so sorry you have lost a baby, I get the sentiment of your post and due to mumsnet I generally keep my trap shut/offer bland congratulations around pregnant women. I wouldn't have used that phrase anyway.

I do understand your points, but if everyone went about about analysing every single thing that came out of their mouths and the effect it could have on people with infinite experiences, we would all be pretty bloody quiet.

I do think the "as long as it's healthy" thing is odd, also the desperately wanting one of each, in my second section I was asked if I knew the sex and what I wanted. I did say nope I don't know and don't care (already had a girl), but the nurse insisted it would be lovely to have a boy, and they were all very chuffed for me when ds1 emerged .

Whatever, everyone is different, just smile and nod.

aurynne · 20/05/2011 04:43

Sometimes I wonder whether there is ANYTHING at all you can say to some pregnant women that they won't consider inappropriate/crass/offensive.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 07:16

There isn't aurynne! I remember one thread where someone was moaning about people talking about the weather-they found it boring!

People say all sorts of things-there is no point in analysing.
I still think that everyone has only one real wish-a healthy baby-it comes top. If I was asked for one wish for my DCs I wouldn't say money or even happiness-it would be good health.

Judging by these threads-once someone has the baby you still have to guard your tongue-people get upset at the simplest comments about babies. There was recently a whole thread where people got vey upset by the simple comment 'is he a good baby'!

People make small talk all the time! It will be a sad day where they have to analyse it first. If I thought about all my off the cuff comments I would be scared to open my mouth!
I'm sure that it is better to chat and be friendly than remain standoffish and silent in case someone is over sensitive.

startail · 21/05/2011 00:39

YANBU I think it is somehow taboo to admit you want a baby of a particular sex so people have to say something. DH and I would have been very disappointed if DD1 had been a boy and neither of us was the least bit sad when DD2 came along.
Of course in reality we all love our children unconditionally regardless of gender or special needs. (Although if I'd had 2 boys I might have been tempted to have a third )

morningpuffs · 21/05/2011 07:20

a healthy baby is a happy baby.

exoticfruits · 21/05/2011 07:29

I don't think that is true morningpuffs. My friend's baby was very healthy and an utter misery until she could more around!

QuackQuackSqueak · 21/05/2011 08:59

I always thought that it just meant that all mattered is that the baby was born safe and alive etc. I didn't take it to mean that the baby would be perfect! Think it may be reading too much into it.

GoFullForce · 21/05/2011 09:04

"the only thing that matters is a healthy baby"

I see nothing wrong with this phrase, id rather a healthy baby, than one with a life limited condition like my niece, or a child, that has to endure invasive medical procedures like my son.

Its not saying they think lesser of a child with a condition/illness etc... its that they dont want a child to suffer or face society with a condition that is "ridiculed" etc... so they dont face hurt etc...

GoFullForce · 21/05/2011 09:06

"a healthy baby is a happy baby"

Tosh, come and tell me my children are not happy, you'll be hard dunted to find a sad child in this household.

UndiscoveredApprentice · 21/05/2011 09:06

Totally agree OP, given both my kids needed surgery from birth, and esp second time around when I knew it could happen, I have hated this phrase. We all wish for a healthy baby, but that doesn't mean we don't love and welcome the ones who aren't.

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