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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my nanny agency shouldn't have helped my nanny find another job behind my back?

106 replies

wolfhound · 17/05/2011 15:22

Not sure if I am BU or not, but I am sure someone will tell me!

Our part-time nanny, who has been great and formed a really good bond with my two DSs (3.5y and 21mths), has just given her notice (after just over a year).

Difficult timing for us, as DC3 due in 7 weeks, and then both boys beginning a new pre-school in September. I was really counting on the continuity of our nanny to be a stabilising factor through all that.

Obviously that's my problem, not hers (she has decided she wants a full time job which is fair enough, though she did assure us when hired that she wanted this part-time role long term.) It's her right to look for another job and give us notice.

However, my beef is more with the nanny agency. The rep there has just rung me to get a reference for my nanny (for her new job) and to ask if we wanted them to find us a new one. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I am their client, and they shouldn't be out there finding my nanny another job (while I am blithely unaware). They got a hefty great dollop of cash for finding me that nanny - now they're getting another dollop for passing her on to someone else, and want a third great dollop for finding me someone new.

Am I just being peevish because it's awkward for me? Or is this basically wrong?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 17/05/2011 15:24

YABU, hope you find a new nanny soon.

Flisspaps · 17/05/2011 15:25

If she's asked to be moved on to somewhere else, then YABU. If they've told her she's going elsewhere against her will, then YANBU.

wandawings · 17/05/2011 15:25

How else is the nanny meant to find work? You are being unreasonable IMO. Sorry :)

CoffeeDodger · 17/05/2011 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 17/05/2011 15:25

no,itsnot wrong at all!!!

ObiWan · 17/05/2011 15:28

It sounds fine.
The agency is a two-way thing, I assume that the nanny is paying to be on their books?
They are just the middle-man, but I know it feels more personal when your dealing with a nanny in your own home.

ZZZenAgain · 17/05/2011 15:32

if it bothered me, I'd say so, it is a business after all

RJRabbit · 17/05/2011 15:36

I wouldn't have put up with that if it was any employment agency I used to use when working in HR, so I don't see why this is any different.

You could try asking the agency if they'll give you a discount on any placement fee, considering they want to retain your business and as a sign of good faith.

ChristinedePizan · 17/05/2011 15:37

I've lost count of the number of times I've found a new job through the same recruitment agency. I don't ever expect my employers to be peeved with the agency - that's their role

AlpinePony · 17/05/2011 15:39

YABU.

Original poster
wolfhound · 17/05/2011 15:40

Well, it seems that I am BU, so I will just have to suck it up. (ugh, hate that phrase). Don't want to make a thing of it with the agency if it's just something I have to put up with.

obiwan - you are absolutely right, nanny is such a personal form of employment. I think my negative feeling is mostly about the effect on the boys, I was so happy that we'd got a nice stable situation for them and that they loved the nanny so much, and now it's back to square one. It's that feeling of wanting continuity of care (and one-to-one care) but not being able to ensure it.

So, will just get to work finding a new one, I suppose. I may put it off for several months - was going to try and keep work going at a reduced level, but will perhaps stop for a while and re-start (with new nanny) when I feel the boys are settled again. The best laid plans and all that.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 17/05/2011 15:41

hope you find a good solution. How awkward for you at this time

Original poster
wolfhound · 17/05/2011 15:41

RJ Rabbit - that's interesting. I had the feeling it would not be standard practice in other types of employment agency, so interesting to hear from someone with experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
wolfhound · 17/05/2011 15:42

ZZZenAgain, thanks for the sympathy! Perhaps that's what I'm really looking for, it made me feel better! :)

OP posts:
stickytoffeepud · 17/05/2011 15:43

thats the thing about paying people to care for your kids

they just see it as a job, whereas the poor kids see them as a member of the family and will be gutted

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/05/2011 15:44

Sorry but YABU - they are a business and if the nanny is gonna leave they may as well place her elsewhere.

Still, a pain for you tho.

Original poster
wolfhound · 17/05/2011 15:50

Yes, stickytoffee, I am feeling guilty about that. Luckily it is only 2 days a week, and also variable days, so am hoping that the boys will not feel her absence as strongly as they might in other circumstances - it is not uncommon for a week or so to go past without them seeing her. But still. Childcare is not an easy issue.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 17/05/2011 15:57

As the nanny has stayed for over a year the agency has fullfiled their role.

Is the only reason for the nanny leaving that she needs full time job? If so do you know any families who could employ her for the other days?

Imo you dont need to use Agency again. With internet use and the experience you have gained you can do it yourself next time. The best place to look is nannyjob.co.uk. Also this site (mumsnet) and even gumtree.

ObiWan · 17/05/2011 15:57

It is a bit of a nightmare now, but in the long-term evrything will be fine.
You were lucky in finding a good nanny, so perhaps it's a sign that the agency recruits to a high standard.
The children will only be bothered in the short term (if at all), they are obviously far more securely bonded to their parents and family than to the nanny.
We have had a succession of Au Pairs, and many of them stick in my mind now for the general hilarity their comings and goings caused.

They were wonderful to have around and some definitey enriched our family life, but nobodty was traumatised when they moved on Grin.

Checkmate · 17/05/2011 15:59

YAcertainly NBU to not use that agency again! I wouldn't, in those circumstances!

HerHissyness · 17/05/2011 15:59

It may be U to think that the agency that put her in about a year ago is pulling her out, but it IS bad form.

I used to work in recruitment and if one of my candidates was in one of my clients businesses, I'd have to be very careful about getting them out of my client's business. I'd meet them and discuss why and try to help them solve it first.

if I had placed someone in a colleagues clients, I'd have to tell them and make sure they knew about it in case it came to light.

Short version, if your nanny or the candidate wanted to leave her employer, she/they are free to do so, but this situation, way more delicate than the field I was in, surely deserves a bit more careful handling.

Try to look at this as a positive though wolfy, the girl you had, to leave at this stage is really selfish and unthinking. The last thing you need is someone this thoughtless and self-serving. If she had a problem with you, she should have spoken up and had the situation managed better, rather than throwing you into the hell of interviews when your delivery date is looming.

RJ rabbit makes a bloody good suggestion, hefty discount for poaching your childcare and profiteering on the back of it.

Original poster
wolfhound · 17/05/2011 16:09

Thanks obiwan, yes you are right, of course DS's bond with us is far more strong, and I am not plunging them into long-term emotional distress, so will try and remember that.

Yes, Herhissy, I do have a sort of 'bad form' feeling about it. I think Laquitar may be right, and with the experience/understanding I have of the nanny role now, I might be better off looking beyond the agency and trying some of the other recruitment methods. And you are right, perhaps it will work out for the best - it was not a good time to leave us, and and perhaps I will find someone who is more thoughtful next time.

Laquitar - our nanny had another part-time job as well, but now wants a single full-time job. I wonder (maybe unfairly) if it's partly that she couldn't have got a full-time job easily last year - we were her first employers, but now she has built up a year's worth of references, so can move on. I was very keen to have someone who would stay long term, and it was something we discussed in great depth. Several times over the year, I've asked her how she thinks it's all going, and said that if there are any problems, just to tell me and we can work them out. She's always assured me that it's all wonderful and she's really happy. So it was a real bolt out of the blue when she resigned. But you never know what's going on with someone else, so hard to speculate.

OP posts:
purits · 17/05/2011 16:09

Next time the agency ask for a reference say that you will be happy to give it directly to the new employers, not the agency. Then, when you speak to them, give the nanny a good reference but drop a word about the agency's ethics. Angry on your behalf.

Don't give them your business again. Does your nanny have any contacts who are currently looking for work?

Laquitar · 17/05/2011 16:28

In that case you have done your best to keep her happy so nothing else you could really.

Have a look at nannyjob.co.uk, nothing to lose.

Laquitar · 17/05/2011 16:29

you could do really

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