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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell anyone when I go into labour?

95 replies

CitizenOscar · 17/05/2011 10:31

Have been discussing with DH and I feel like I'd rather not tell anyone when I go into labour, and just let people know when the baby is born (or if it goes on for absolutely ages / anything major happens). I feel like I'd be more in control of things if we're the only ones who know (no-one turning up at the hospital uninvited etc) and it will give us a bit more time before people descend on us, desperate to see the baby.

DH agrees mostly but really wants to tell his dad when I go into labour. He says it's really important to him. The thought of other people knowing, and waiting desperately for news, makes me feel really stressed and out of control.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable though. It's our first baby (in case you couldn't tell).

OP posts:

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 17/05/2011 10:33

YANBU, I didn't tell anyone - my mum knew anyway when we didn't answer any phones that day though.

sue52 · 17/05/2011 10:34

If the thought of people knowing stresses you out then don't tell them. The more in control you feel the better. In this case your wishes come first. YANBU>

stickytoffeepud · 17/05/2011 10:34

The thought of other people knowing, and waiting desperately for news, makes me feel really stressed and out of control.

when you are huffing and puffing, you wont even give a second thought for anyone else, believe me. You will be far too busy

ShowOfHands · 17/05/2011 10:36

I don't understand why you would tell anybody. I have a couple of friends who have put it on fb though. All I hear is 'my cervix is thinning and dilating and I'm probably knickerless'. TMI.

Likewise I don't understand people sharing the fact that they're ttc with the world either. Let the world know when it's a fait accompli.

HeidiKat · 17/05/2011 10:36

YANBU and your DH should respect your wishes. My DH informed both sets of parents when we were setting off for the hospital and his parents took that as their cue to immediately drive the 3 hours from their house to our town, check into a nearby hotel and sit waiting for news. I didn't really care when I was in labour, it wasn't really on my radar at the time but I was a bit sad that they were the first ones to see DD when she was born, I felt it would have been nice for my parents to see her first as she was the first grandchild on my side of the family but not DHs but the hospital only allows two visitors per bed.

lucykate · 17/05/2011 10:40

we didn't tell anyone first time round. was easy to keep it quiet because it all happened during the night, rang parents etc in the morning. we figured this would be our one and only chance to do this as second time round, we had no choice but to ring my mum as she looked after dd for us.

twolittlemonkeys · 17/05/2011 10:41

YANBU. With DS1 we made the mistake of letting people know when I went into labour and my SIL was then ringing the hospital at regular intervals throughout my 20-hour labour and emergency section etc to try to find out what had happened because our phones were switched off in the hospital.

Checkmate · 17/05/2011 10:42

YANBU. Your body - your rules.

I've always wanted my family to know, but that's my body - my rules!

Flisspaps · 17/05/2011 10:42

I don't understand why his Dad would need to know that you're in labour. Does DH understand that it could go on for days, his Dad can't come and wait at the hospital (no waiting rooms - not like you see on TV) and really, he should have better things to think about when you DO go into labour than 'Ooh, must ring Dad!'

Flisspaps · 17/05/2011 10:44

And to add, I didn't want anyone to know, but I was induced so everyone knew when I was going in, but I was aware of DH using his phone from time to time (updating MIL and possibly DM) once I was in the delivery room, and I didn't like it.

SenoritaViva · 17/05/2011 10:45

YANBU and stick to it. Well done for discussing it with him now because DH and I had a disagreement about it, went to bed, waters broke at 5 AM and I caught him texting EVERYONE that I was in labour. I was really pissed off at him.

BluddyMoFo · 17/05/2011 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 17/05/2011 10:52

YANBU. We told both sets of parents when I went into hospital during my first labor, dh even used the words 'they said it'll only be a couple more hours' (cause I was quite far along and that's what we had been told). When he next rang them 22 hours later to say that ds1 had finally been born, he found two exhausted (and in my mum's case, quite tearful) grannies who had sat by the phone all night and all morning waiting for news.

On the other hand, I had to tell my mum the second time as I needed her to care for ds1 - but second labors tend to be much quicker thankfully.

valiumredhead · 17/05/2011 10:54

YANBU

hannahsaunt · 17/05/2011 10:54

I've had four and didn't call anyone to let them know I was in labour ... However, ILs did know during #4 simply because they were staying with us at the time. I think labouring is a very private thing and you don't want unnnecessary thoughts popping into your head about who dh might be calling or what he might be saying - there is plenty time once the baby is here.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 17/05/2011 10:55

You have to sit your dh down and talk to him - explain to him what you have explained here, that knowing that other people are waiting for news will stress you out - and explain to him that being stressed and worried is not going to help your labour go smoothly, and will make it harder for you to cope with the contractions.

At the moment, you are facing a huge unknown event, and that is scary and stressful for you - so you want to control one element that will be within your control - ie, whether anyone knows you are in labour. You might find that, when labour starts, you can cope better with the reality than with the prospect of labour, and then you might not object to your dh telling his dad. You could tell him this, and ask him to wait and see how you are coping with labour, and you will tell him when it is OK to phone his dad. That will let him see that you are being fair and reasonable about this, but would leave you in control of this part of your labour. Hopefully it would be a compromise that he could agree with.

GooGooMuck · 17/05/2011 10:56

YANBU.

My idiot husband text everyone when I was in labour the first time. I was furious about it. I can't explain why, i's to do with being expected to 'perform' in a certain timeframe, or something like that.

Anyway, YANBU.

CocoPopsAddict · 17/05/2011 10:56

YANBU. Your body, your labour, your rules. Your DH should be putting you first in this instance.

BatFlattery · 17/05/2011 10:58

I didn't want anyone to know apart from my Mum - because of this we felt we should also tell MiL. We told them that they could tell a select few people - brothers and sisters - if they wanted but that we would be very unhappy if it ended up plastered all over facebook. They were good to their word - my Mum would've been anyway, she is v discreet, but MiL tends to get caught up in things. I think you have to be explicit in your wisheds when it comes to things like this. And yes, once I was actually in the throes of labour I didn't give two tosses as to anything else!

Eglu · 17/05/2011 10:59

YANBU. I had no plans to tell anyone when I was in labour with DS1. As it happened I went into labout at PIL house. FIL was so stressed by wondering what was happening he had to go to bed, and I only had a 4 hour labour.

I don't think it is helpful of healthy for people to know. I also don't get why it means so much for peopel to know.

Shouw your DH this thread.

SenoritaViva · 17/05/2011 11:01

From my story what I was trying to say was get something in agreement that you are both happy with.

What is your husband's 'need' for telling his dad? What does he actually expect it to achieve? Tell him he'll be too busy racing around after you anyway.

SenoritaViva · 17/05/2011 11:01

PS (again sorry!) why not agree that his dad is the first person he speaks to once the baby is born?

Christobel51 · 17/05/2011 11:08

YANBU.... definitely not.....
I had a friend who texted me to say her water's had broken on Saturday afternoon and then heard nothing from her. Meanwhile I was worrying whether everything was ok with her and the baby etc and got quite anxious. I eventually ( Monday) texted a mutual friend to see if she had heard anything but she hadn't and so had to tentatively text the father for news, only to find out that thankfully everyone was fit and well and they had a daughter. But just imagine if the news had been bad...... they would not of wanted to hear from me, and I would not have dreamed of interrupting them until they were ready to talk to me.
It's like Barbarian said......she had 2 anxious and tearful Grannies sat by the phone all night. I was worried and it wasnt my flesh and blood and I'm not an emotional Granny!

So spare you father in law the worry and don't tell him!

beijingaling · 17/05/2011 11:18

YANBU. We didn't tell anyone until we were both safe and sound afterwards. Luckily it was overnight so no one was expecting a reply to texts of calls. I had been very slack about returning texts and calls in the last month anyway so there wouldn't be the inevitable "she hasn't replied so she must be having the baby."

Flisspaps · 17/05/2011 11:21

GooGooMuck That's it exactly - more bloody pressure from being expected to perform like a seal

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