To not want to tell anyone when I go into labour?

[CitizenOscar]

Have been discussing with DH and I feel like I'd rather not tell anyone when I go into labour, and just let people know when the baby is born (or if it goes on for absolutely ages / anything major happens). I feel like I'd be more in control of things if we're the only ones who know (no-one turning up at the hospital uninvited etc) and it will give us a bit more time before people descend on us, desperate to see the baby.

DH agrees mostly but really wants to tell his dad when I go into labour. He says it's really important to him. The thought of other people knowing, and waiting desperately for news, makes me feel really stressed and out of control.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable though. It's our first baby (in case you couldn't tell).

Entirely up to you.

Never even occurred to us to tell anyone until after PFB was here tbh-thought that was "the norm".

We didn´t want people turning up at hospital until we were ready.

Why does your husband want his dad to know-& what does he think that his dad will do?

I´m sure it´s "important" to your parents as well.

It probably is the norm, diddl. I was a little excited though, and I'm no good at keeping exciting news to myself

I was staying at my mums, so couldn't really hide it from her (not that it crossed my mind to). Which also meant that the world and his dog knew I was in labour pretty much the the moment it started...

It honestly didn't cause an issue. But then I guess it depends on what your family are like.

Well, it can sometimes be unavoidable.

I just couldn´t bear the thought of people being there if I´d had a difficult time.

All clamouring to see baby, & me feeling like shit & feeling that I had to see them iyswim.

Include my own parents in that as well.

Not that I wanted to be picture perfect & made up, just not feeling/looking completely shit!

Mind you, when you´re having your second, you do have to at least let the babysitters know

My first labour, I told my mum and MIL when my waters broke.

DD was born just over five days later. By that point, everyone was very sick of waiting for/providing/requesting updates. In fact, by the time she was born my mum had given up waiting, left her phone at home and gone to the gym, and I don't blame her.

Yes, I think that´s it, tortoise-I was sure I would have a long labour or even be wrong & get sent home

Not sure why DH wants to tell his dad, he just said it was really important to him. Not for him to do anything, I'm sure. Anyway, I need to ask him properly so we can get to the bottom of it and sort it out. I'm sure my family would love to know too but I feel ok about not telling them - but I'd feel less ok if my FIL did know (doesn't seem very fair). It's the first grandchild in the family on both sides so everyone's really excited but sometimes feels like a lot of pressure!

YANBU We didn't tell anyone.

I am pleased to see some are saying speak to your dh to find out why he wishes to speak with his dad so badly. Yes it is your body but it is also his baby and you are both having a baby together so listening to each others reasoning may make for something that will make one of you understand the others pow and then there wont be a disagreement

with dd1 we told many people as loads rang as I was in labour (all thursday she is born Friday night) so many knew my mother after asked to not be told next time as she had been so worried all day waiting.

with dd2 we told one person my best friend whom had my dd1 for us for 4 hours mainly because there was no time she was born at 7 am in the morning I went into labour at 1 am.. (home birth)

with ds 2 of my close friends knew one had my dd's and one was with us as we transferred to hospital. we phoned family after

with dd3 we told 1 person my friend that came to be with me through the labour. I went into labour late in the evening and she was born early in the morning.

that worked for us but it was something both dh and I felt happy with that really I think is important to remember

The thing is-if they know-what will they do?

Worry?

Rush to the hospital?

Wait at home until they get another call?

During DS2's very rapid birth DH rang his mum just as we got into the labour room (my mum already knew as she'd had to meet us at the hospital to pick up DS1). At the time it didn't register at all with me, but MIL must have asked how dilated I was, he told her I was 9cm and she told him to get off the bloody phone and hold my hand . I heard him in the corridor saying 'Ok mum, god it'll be hours yet, calm down.' He walked into the room and out slid DS2.

I'm hoping DC3 will do the same next month, might not even bother telling DH as he's pretty useless!

It should be totally up to you. I honestly don't see why you should have to "compromise". Check out the definition of that word - it means "find a way forward that both parties are comfortable with". Which is absolutely fine in everyday circumstances, but when in labour you are the one that needs to feel comfortable, because his hormones will have bugger all effect on how labour progresses and how painful it is. In this particular instance, anything that makes you feel less comfortable is a bad thing, even if it makes your DH more comfortable.

Whatever you do,don't agree to discuss it in labour and "see how you feel then". If you agree to that, you're potentially laying yourself wide open to spending labour with your DH haranguing you until you give in.

Maswera and JenaiMarr - we are all different, I suppose. I was like you two and couldn't wait to tell people I was in labour - I even hosted an NCT coffee morning whilst in labour with ds3, announcing my condition to everyone as they came in through the door! It did mean that they made their own coffees and did the washing up, though I was a bit that someone else still bagged the comfiest chair!!

I do get that it is the OP's dh's baby too, but at the point where she is in labour, surely she is the one whose feelings need to be taken into consideration the most? As others have said, if she is stressed and upset, this could well adversely affect her labour, and that wouldn't be good for her or the baby.

I suggested a compromise earlier, and I agree it would be a good idea for her to talk things over with her dh - and my compromise was that they wait and see how she feels when she is actually in labour. Especially first time round, the prospect of labour can be very scary, and maybe the OP is fearing the loss of control over her body, so is controlling one thing she knows she can control, but she might find, when labour starts, that she feels differently about her dh telling his dad that she is in labour. I thought that was a fair compromise, HRH.

Ooops - I missed the second paragraph of your post, HRH - obviously, haranguing her whilst she is in labour would not be acceptable, and she shouldn't suggest this compromise if she felt her dh would do this.

Apologies for being a bit durr-brained.

I went into labour 4 hours after our last ante-natal class. Next day I was meant to be meeting the girls for coffee. You can imagine the panicked tone from one girl when I phoned to say I wouldn't be coming along! Didn't bother me that they all knew, but I think on this occasion your preferences should take priority.

HeidiKat T - why do your parents have priority over your ILs? Even if it was your parents first grandchild, it is still a grandchild to both sets of parents.

After reading through these posts, I feel really sad that so many are not taking the Dad of these babies into consideration; yes, it is you in labour, but you are giving birth to their child and as such they also have certain rights.

What is the big problem with people knowing you are in labour? With both my DC my parents and his parents were fully informed when my labours started and then when each baby was born. If you are worried about anyone turning upto the hospital then just ask them not to. But I also can not see why people are worried about this - the hospital will not let anyone in whilst you are giving birth!

"the hospital will not let anyone in whilst you are giving birth!"

But it´s not just that.

It´s not wanting to have to see people as soon as you have given birth because they came to the hospital as soon as they heard that you were in labour.

Perhaps I´m not a "sharer" I can´t see the point of telling anyone.

Cricketballs - it is clear that this issue really is stressing the OP out. I didn't feel that way when I was in labour, and clearly neither did you - but I don't think that makes the OP's feelings any less valid.

The OP is going to talk to her dh about this, and it seems as if she is reading this thread and taking people's points on board, but in the end, when push comes to shove, it really is her wellbeing that should be the priority when she is in labour. If she is stressed and upset, her labour could be longer and she will be less able to cope with the pain of contractions - and I honestly think that this means her needs should be the priority.

YANBU
DH told every1 when I went into labour my dad turned up at hospital (outwith visiting hours) insisting on seeing DS when I still had legs in stirrups getting stitched! He can't even remember my birthday FFS
This time the only person to find out will be MIL as she will have DS

Well, perhaps if you absolutely know that FIL won´t turn up at the hospital, it might be OK.

cricketballs I just felt that because the inlaws had already had the experience of meeting their first grandchild for the first time it would have been a nice gesture on their part for them to come down a day later and leave the first visiting time free for the set of grandparents who had never had that experience.

HeidiKat T - I can understand your thinking for your parents, other than 'come down a day later'. Why not just an hour later or after your parents had left?

I agree with diddl - wouldn't have dreamt of telling anyone when I was in labour and, until I read it on Mumsnet am amazed that anyone would want to tell anyone else - apart from to make childcare arrangements if necessary. Why on earth would anyone want to know? And no, if my DS was having a baby with his DW/DP I wouldn't want to know.

Am constantly surprised at the sort of details that people share with others - I am obviously a very uptight and private person .

YANBU... I feel the same too. When I go into labour I just want to retreat into my own private space and be left alone to labour in complete silence. I don't want backrubs and massages in labour. Just want to be left on my own to birth my baby. Its a completely natural instinct. The more distractions and disturbances there are around the labouring woman, the less she is able to focus on her labour, on her contractions (which is key to managing them without freaking out or going out of control).

I´m not alone then

TBH, if we could have got hold of a neighbour when I went in to have number two, we wouldn´t have told any parents until after the birth either.

Ragwort - don't think you're uptight and private, just normal! IMVHO some families waaaaay overshare personal stuff.