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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell anyone when I go into labour?

95 replies

CitizenOscar · 17/05/2011 10:31

Have been discussing with DH and I feel like I'd rather not tell anyone when I go into labour, and just let people know when the baby is born (or if it goes on for absolutely ages / anything major happens). I feel like I'd be more in control of things if we're the only ones who know (no-one turning up at the hospital uninvited etc) and it will give us a bit more time before people descend on us, desperate to see the baby.

DH agrees mostly but really wants to tell his dad when I go into labour. He says it's really important to him. The thought of other people knowing, and waiting desperately for news, makes me feel really stressed and out of control.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable though. It's our first baby (in case you couldn't tell).

OP posts:

Original poster

CitizenOscar · 17/05/2011 11:30

Thanks everyone. We agreed we'd talk about it again when we were both less tired (it was late last night) - just wanted to get some perspectives from other people before broaching the subject again.

OP posts:

shelscrape · 17/05/2011 11:36

YANBU at all. YOur body, your rules :)

I had to tell people, needed someone to feed and walk the dog (we lived an hours drive from the hospital) and neice and nephew were supposed to be coming for lunch!

MamaLazarou · 17/05/2011 11:37

YANBU. Your body, your baby, your choice.

georgie22 · 17/05/2011 11:39

We just told my parents as it was their first grandchild and we're very close (plus I thought they would need to come and feed the cat for us!). It's personal choice - I had a few friends who asked me to let them know when I was in labour but I waited until dd arrived. I agree about TTC - why do people tell the world? I'd feel everyone was looking at me in an expectant manner and symptom spotting!

AngryGnome · 17/05/2011 11:43

YANBU. Your labour, your rules.

We didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to - DH did want to tell his mum initially, not for any particular reason, he just thought it was one of his "jobs" - keep car full of petrol, remember hospital bag, call round the relatives etc. I asked him not to, so he didn't.

I think people are right in that once labour gets going the last thing on your mind will be "who knows", but you don't need to be worrying about it at all if you don't need to be.

TBH, most people guessed I was in labour because we didn't pick up the phone for a couple of days, but there is a difference between people guessing and being told.

Good luck with the birth!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 17/05/2011 11:47

OP - would your husband respond better to logic? You could tell him that his telling his dad would cause you stress, and the stress hormones would make labour harder for you to cope with - and that you need your mind to be as free as possible of worries so you can cope with this huge event.

Rev084 · 17/05/2011 12:04

YANBU, I don't even want to tell my DP when I'm in labour, early labour anyway. The thought of him being all stressed and paternalistic will really piss me off. Also, I'm a high-risk VBAC so have a feeling he'll want to get me packed off to hospital fairly soon which is not what I want. We'll see, this is my second baby so I'm far my confident of my own voice than with the first. Do what you feel is right, as has already been said, its your body and your baby.

Abcinthia · 17/05/2011 12:05

YANBU. DP and I told everyone after I gave birth.

ShoutyHamster · 17/05/2011 12:06

No. Absolutely not. If you feel at all that this happening could increase your stress, then he is NOT to do it. Anything, anything at all that increases your stress levels (especially in a first labour) is a bad thing. Stress slows labour and can lead to more intervention.

It does not matter if it is a small thing, or an illogical thing. This is about your body and mind being in the best place to do what it has to do.

It is also, quite simply, not up to him. This is the time when your wishes should absolutely be paramount. A good father-to-be and the best, most effective birth partner should only need you to say 'No, I don't want that' and all discussion should cease. His job is to support you in the way YOU want. His job is to make things be, as much as he can manage, how you would ideally like them to be. That is the best way he can help his own child come into the world quickly, safely, and happily!

Pootles2010 · 17/05/2011 12:08

YANBU. Wish i'd taken your approach - dp rang everyone, my bloody mil turned up at our house uninvited to 'encourage' me. Thankfully we were in car just turning out of our drive when her car pulled up - growled 'keep driving' thank god he did :o

I am glad that we did ring my parents, as they live hours away and needed notice to leave work, start making journey etc.

CocoKev · 17/05/2011 12:15

YANBU- we didn't tell anyone and I think that was the right way to go for us. We had a home birth so it felt even more important to preserve our privacy- I had a fear of people showing up at the flat mid-labour! My mum rang when I was in early labour and I was chatting to her during a contraction- it was quite tricky to keep my voice level but she didn't suspect anything!

saffy85 · 17/05/2011 12:21

YANBU what's the bloody point of telling anyone anything til the baby actually gets here? All these people I hear of who say they're going to wait at the hospital "for any news" why? The staff wont tell you anything, they're too busy, the mother and her birthing partner are a bit tied up with the actual birth itself, and if other delivery suites are anything like my local one, you will be made to feel very unwelcome. Infact, you wont be allowed to wait on the ward itself so would have to stand in a hot, airless corridor for the duration, getting in peoples' way as they go in and out of the security door.

My mum knew first time round coz I rang her asking if she thought the ping and the gush was infact my waters going, and not, as DP suggested me pissing myself It was. And my sister knew coz my mum told her (typical). Oh and DP's boss as he had to ring to tell him why he wouldn't be at work "Yeah the missus reckons her waters have gone. Nah, I don't think they have either. Haha yeah I asked her if she pissed herself already" I actually insisted DP phone his boss right after he rang his parents and tell him that I had definately not pissed myself. It was my waters. So there.

bonkers20 · 17/05/2011 12:22

I think you need to find out why your DH feels so strongly about telling his Dad. Maybe he's wobbling under the pressure of becoming a new Dad himself and his own Dad is a pillar of support for him. If your FIL can be trusted to keep the info. to himself then I would agree to him knowing. Your trust in your DH may be just the thing he needs to keep some control over a situation he feels nervous about (being able to support you at an unpredictable time when you are very vulnerable).

DS1 - didn't tell anyone. DS2 - told my sister 'cos she was looking after DS1. Of course when she went to collect DS1 from school everyone worked it out.

Journey · 17/05/2011 12:23

If you don't want to tell people then don't. It's not a big deal and certainly not worth stressing over.

Cutiecat · 17/05/2011 12:25

I am due in 5 weeks and have no intention of telling anyone other than those who will be looking after dd and ds. Didn't announce it with either of them. It is a personal time and in understand you not wanting to feel any pressure. Tell you dh that he can call his dad first but it is your decision. You have to pop this baby out. Hope all goes well.

SerenaJoy · 17/05/2011 12:29

YANBU. I feel exactly the same way. I just want to be left to get on with it, I certainly don't want to know that a bunch of people are waiting expectantly for news - and that includes immediate family. (I'm not sure how I'm going to achieve that mind you, unless it happens overnight!)

I think the compromise suggested by StayingDavidTennantsGirl is a good approach - tell your DH that you'll see how you're coping and that you'll let him know when you're ready for him to call his dad, whenever that may be. Good luck CitizenOscar!

HandMini · 17/05/2011 12:34

You are being very sensible. I plan to do exactly as you do and let all the relatives know once there is actually a baby to see. If it means they take a bit longer to arrive and visit so much the better in my view!! Good luck.

Inertia · 17/05/2011 12:35

YANBU.

As ShoutyHamster says, stress is not conducive to making labour and birth any easier, and it really is not the time for your DH to be trying to assert the authority of his wishes over yours.

You need to be able to concentrate on labouring , and your DH needs to be there supporting you- not keeping his dad updated / fielding calls from his dad for updates/ taking calls from other family members who have also heard.

Plus, you might go into hospital and get sent back home again if they think you have several hours still to go.

I also cannot see how on earth it'd be useful for your DH to tell his dad. Surely his dad already knows that you're about to have a baby ; he's not going to contribute anything helpful to the process like babysitting other children, so what's the point? Any comfort your DH might draw is likely to be far outweighed by the stress caused to you, especially if word spreads and you get the rest of the family descending on you. Seriously, your body, your labour- you get to call the shots.

2rebecca · 17/05/2011 12:40

Told no-one with the first one and only the babysitters for the second one. I would query why it's important for your husband's father to know when you go into labour. What practical difference will it make. often people who are desperate to know want the knowledge either as a power thing "I knew and you didn't ner ner ner ner nerr" or so they can hassle you during labour with texts or turn up when you are having your stitches done.
I would tell your husband you don't want anyone knowing, you don't want anyone texting him about it and if he wants to accompany you through the labour he keeps his mobile turned off and phones relatives at a reasonable hour after the delivery. You really are knackered after labour.

amberleaf · 17/05/2011 12:43

YANBU if thats how you feel.

As someone else said maybe you DH feels he needs his fathers support though?

Personally i was excited to let people know!

maswera · 17/05/2011 12:43

TBH I really don't get why people don't want others to know when they go into labour (despite reading all these posts ). I enjoyed how excited family got knowing it was happening. Presumably people know you're 9 months pregnant, so it's not like it's a secret that you're about to have a baby... Not particularly helpful, but just to let you know some people just don't get why these things are a big deal

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 17/05/2011 12:48

Likewise, maswera

OP, does your FIL call often? If you're having your baby in hospital you and your DP might be away from the phone for a long time - which would surely worry him if he called repeatedly and didn't get a reply. That doesn't seem fair on him tbh.

thelittlefriend · 17/05/2011 12:51

I could have written that post myself when I was preg with my dd! I would let your dh know that, though he may feel he really wants to tell his dad, this is one situation that you really need to be 100% in control of. It is all about your body and you are the only one doing the work, however supportive your husband is. So you have every right to tell him you want it your way imo

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 17/05/2011 12:51

Oh, on my way to the car I nipped into the restaurant my friend ran to tell him my waters had broken and that I was off to the hospital, right in the middle of him taking an order. I often wonder wtf those customers thought

ClipArt · 17/05/2011 12:54

YANBU.

Your body, your baby, your business.

Plenty of time for announcements once baby arrives :)

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