To not want to tell anyone when I go into labour?

[CitizenOscar]

Have been discussing with DH and I feel like I'd rather not tell anyone when I go into labour, and just let people know when the baby is born (or if it goes on for absolutely ages / anything major happens). I feel like I'd be more in control of things if we're the only ones who know (no-one turning up at the hospital uninvited etc) and it will give us a bit more time before people descend on us, desperate to see the baby.

DH agrees mostly but really wants to tell his dad when I go into labour. He says it's really important to him. The thought of other people knowing, and waiting desperately for news, makes me feel really stressed and out of control.

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable though. It's our first baby (in case you couldn't tell).

cricketballs the hospital visiting time is only an hour though.

HeidiKat - ok, I understand

DC 1 - told OHs boss - as in he won't be in today
DC2 - told childminder - no-one else as it was his day off so work didn't need to know
DC 3 - told neighbour and colleague of OH as she was looking after children until my parents arrived (and then I had all his bloody colleagues - we work at the hospital) turn up just as soon as I got to the post natal ward - gggrrrrr

It is personal though - I now work in maternity - some women love everyone knowing and texting/calling for news, alternatively the constant calls etc have been very frustrating to some women who turn all the mobiles off (or threaten their partners with serious harm if they don't). This in turn can cause problems for staff as worried relatives - on finding mobiles switched off ring labour ward for news and become concerned/annoyed when it is explained that staff cannot breach confidentiality so no news given

Def keep it to yourselves OP.

DH & I are due to have our first in October and I would love the idea of nobody knowing for about 3 days so we figure out what the heck we are doing and have time to get used to it. Obviously that is not going to happen so they will find out once the baby is born (and we have had some sleep) and then they will be limited to how long they can come round and see him/her for :)

Oh, keep it to yourself if you can!!!! We had to tell family as i went into labour a couple of weeks early - on Christmas eve. And everyone was supposed to be at mine on Christmas day. So we called round expecting a quick call "don't turn up tomorrow, we probably wont be here, or if we are, I wont be providing a full christmas dinner!" but the stress from my parents was so annoying!!

They called again and again and again when I was trying to labour nicely at home as long as I could (in 'their day' I would have been in a nice sensible hospital bed so keep listening to DH tell them I was fine and he wasn't running any risks with my health 'for these new silly ideas' - time I wanted him with me). Then when I was in hospital, my mobile kept beeping from yet another text, which got me stressed as I felt like I didn't want to have to say how far dilated my cervix was to my dad... Then when I ignored them, DH's phone kept going.

Then when DS arrived, they wanted to be there straight away (by this time, I wanted to sleep and told DH to tell them to leave me until the following day - it would have been close to 8pm by the time they could have got there, having been in labour for 27 hours before this I don't think it was unreasonable to ask them to let me sleep) so they called the hosptial to find out visiting times so they could come anyway... it took a dump of snow closing the roads to delay them a couple of days, which is handy as by that point DH and I had both calmed down from being pissed off with them for adding extra stress.

When they did arrive, I had had some complications and was in a bit of a bad way, but they were fussing round the baby and stopping the nurses who were trying to stick drips in me.

PIL on the other hand, didn't contact us until DH called to say DS was here, then sent a text the next day asking if they could visit, then MIL threw FIL out of my room when she saw the doctor coming to see me as "that girl needs a bit of privacy". Oh, and they brought me chocolate. I'd had a bit of a difficult relationship with PIL prior to this, I've rather loved them ever since.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

I'm having this problem with my DP, I'm due in 3 weeks today, and I have told him I don't want anyone to know and he's like "well I have to tell my mum, and Phil (Phil is his bestmate, our babys godfather) and your mum needs to know" etc etc etc. He just won't get it into his head that I don't want anyone to know so they all turn up at the hospital!

I didn't tell anyone that I'd gone into labour second time round, not even dh. I was completely convinced that it was going to take ages, as with dd1 (3 days!) so figured I had time to get used to it. Contractions started about lunch time and it wasn't until supper time while eating a curry with dh and my parents that they realised what was going on - had to stop eating to breathe through each contraction! Still tried to ignore it and went to bed with the tens on, slept until 2.30am when I thought I needed a wee, but actually my waters went and dd2 was born an hour and 11 mins later. Tbh was all a bit rushed in the end and it wasn't a particularly enjoyable trip down the motorway to the hospital! Still was home for tea....

YANBU. Had exactly the same conversation with DP - whose mum had said 'you must phone when something happens, so I can wait by the phone'. He (kindly in many ways) just wanted to keep the peace by saying yes to her, but...

I said I only wanted people to know when she was here safe and sound - thank goodness I did - waters broke Wednesday, she arrived two days later on Friday night after emergency forceps. How stressful would that have been for MIL etc, never mind us.

Stick to your guns =)

If people hassle you on mobiles why not turn them off? I'd just say "midwife said no mobiles in labour ward" if anyone moans.
Glad my labours were before mobiles in such common usage.
If my husband had wittered on about wanting to tell various relatives I'd have made it clear that although it was his child he wasn't the one who had to go through labour and be sore tired and emotional and bleeding heavily at the end of it, and that relatives can wait to visit until visitimg time after baby born when I'm feeling like being visited. They have a lifetime in which they can meet and visit the baby. What's the rush?
My relatives were thankfully sensible. All told the morning after the deliveries after my ex had had some sleep and all visited during visiting hours and were pleasant and not OTT.

My PIL actually came to visit me whilst I was in labour with ds1 - I laboured for 37.75 hours, so was glad of the visit and the distraction. They even brought their lovely labrador with them, so we all had a walk down to the carpark so I could have a cuddle with her (and in the hopes that more walking would help speed things up - fat chance).

And as I've already said, I hosted an NCT coffee morning whilst in labour with ds3. However, this is what suits me, not anyone else, and I can easily understand that many people want peace and quiet, as Ragdoll described so eloquently, without having to think about other people at all. That's not uptight or strange in any way - it is a perfectly valid choice, and Ragdoll did what was best for her.

What shocks me is the fact that some relatives and friends have so little concept of self-control or reasonable behaviour. FakePlasticTrees' account of her parents behaviour whilst she was in labour is awful. I can understand the about-to-be grandparents being excited and being concerned about their daughter, but to carry on pestering despite everything shows such a lack of thought or empathy that it beggars belief.

YANBU - this is exactly how I felt! However, in reality, every man and his dog ended up knowing as I ended up in labour for 32 hours! I was vaguely aware of feeling guilty at folk waiting on tenterhooks, then I had another skoosh of G&A and forgot about them! Hope you find a solution that works for you OP!

DC1 was a bit early, so I had to tell my friend when I went into labour with my first as I desperately needed a lift to the hospital (at about midnight). I told my mum too, ( I needed her to ring work and tell them I'd not be in) but she's usually happy enough to sit and wait till I ask her to vist. BUT... labour was rather long. Friend turned up the next afternoon, with my very uncomfortable looking mother in tow and sat at the opposite side of the delivery room as I squirmed in pain with the etonox mask permanently attached to my face. Mum kept saying they should leave us in peace, and friend was quite happy wittering about prams and nappies etc. Eventually my mum managed to convince her that they had to go. Didn't stop her dropping back in at every opportunity. We were in hospital for 10 days and I had to get DH to tell her to stay away for a few days.

Since then I've only told my mum. And I need her for childcare!

Now I have another friend who I've had no end of problems with since I got pregnant. She's already given me her list of "what she's going to do" when I go to hospital. Most of it involves her being there. This is NEVER going to happen.

I really should find some friends with boundaries!

YANBU. It is you that is going to be in labour. His job is to support you to help you through it. I also don't get why people have to know the very minute someone's in labour - what does it gain them.

Having said that I personally didn't care if people knew. With DC1 my mum called while I was in early labour and was fab for getting me to calm down and take deep breaths. Once I had the knack of that she got off the phone to let me get on with it. DP had a long commute to work so I had MIL as my second birth partner. WHen the MW's said she was waiting, we said she could come in for a bit and she actually ended up being there when DS was born. She was very helpful while I was in labour though and once DS was born she left the room so we could bond. She was there at DC2's birth four months ago and was the one who called my parents and let them know after the birth.

YANBU
I ended up having an elcs three weeks ago after it was discovered 48hrs beforehand that DD was breech. The only people we told beforehand were my parents and sister, and that's only because my sister is a midwife, so I wanted to discuss the options with her. We didn't tell anyone else - inc DH's family - as we wanted it to be a surprise, and also I couldn't bear the thought of people constantly texting for updates or turning up at the hospital waiting room.

This is a subject close to my heart. DC1 is due in October.

My parents live abroad, so I might tell them when I go into labour so they can start booking plane tickets, but we've already agreed they won't visit until I'm out of hospital (4-5 days at least - I live in France).

Friends aren't a problem - we'll tell them after the birth.

My worry is my MIL. She is lovely BUT I really don't want her coming over when I'm in labour, or even just afterwards. BUT she speaks to DH every single day so if ever he didn't talk to her she'd worry like crazy and if he does talk to her he'll find it hard not to mention I'm in labour...

Also, she's the type who would keep ringing him for updates and I don't want that either.

I admit I'm a bit worried about how to manage her visits after the birth. She lives in a different town and has already said she'll come and stay with us for as long as we like but we live in a TINY flat and I really really don't want her to stay over. DH thinks I'm worrying about things far too early, but I feel I need to get him on my side before the birth.

My Mother told both my sisters that I was in labour, when I was having early stage contractions, no where near ready for hospital. Afterwards my good church going sister took great delight in telling me that her whole church had said a pray for us. I was highly annoyed by this as both DH and I are atheist and have no interest in hearing that complete strangers are praying for us. I tried to point this out to said sister and she just wouldn't listen 'Yeah, but it was a good thing' type crap.

This time around the family won't be hearing about it until after the event.

so no YANBU to not want to tell people when you're in labour, but rather wait until there is actual news to tell.

Oh that sounds terrible Bartimaeus, you don't want your MIL staying with you just after you've had a baby, especially if you live in a tiny flat! Is she the type to tell you you're doing everything wrong and try and take over? I agree, you do need to get your DH on side and get him to see that it's a really bad idea for her to come and stay.

He sounds like my DP, a right mummys-boy. What on earth do they find to talk about every single day!?! He wants to tell his mum and half the world when I go into labour. And he also expects EVERYONE (including his best friend Phil) to come and see us at the hospital aswell. Trying to persuade him otherwise, time is running out though, I'm due in 2 weeks and 4 days!

Before I went into labour with DS, I was certain it was going to be a long haul, and was adament that I didn't want anyone to know as I wanted to be able to concentrate and not worry about my family worrying about me IYSWIM.

I was admitted to hospital one day after my due date for monitoring due to (slightly) high blood pressure and agreed to a sweep (and declined induction). Contractions started and stopped. Day 2 my waters broke, and I forced persuaded my husband to lie to both sets of parents by phone to let them know all was well and nothing had started yet. Contractions started and stopped. Induction started on Day 3 and contractions started up again and husband continued to lie under my instructions. DS born just after lunch on Day 4 - 66 hours after 1st contractions and parents all informed that afternoon.

When I told my DM the saga later she was pleased that she hadn't known. If she'd been told when my waters broke, she'd have made the 4 hour journey that evening and spent an anxious 2 days at the hospital in a hotel with no news. As it was, both sets of grandparents met DS when he was just over a day old and we were back home.

Any first timers reading - don't let the length of this story worry you - a long labour isn't necessarily bad and despite being in hospital throughout, I remained mobile, didn't miss any meals, got some sleep and didn't need so much as gas and air. A lot down to luck, but I'd like to believe that doing things my way helped too.

YANBU. I didn't even tell my husband (we were separated but he hadn't moved out at that point) till 1.5 hrs before my daughter was born!