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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider taking DS, getting on a train and just leaving. Feel totally at the end of my tether with DH

90 replies

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:15

I'm sat here sobbing and feel so pissed off and upset.

We have a 7 month old DS. I'm on maternity leave and due back at work 4 days a wk towards end of June. I spend all day, every day with DS. We have no family/friends near to help. I don't mind, I love him to bits it's my job for the time being. I can fill the weekdays fine. But DH is just not around at the weekends and I'm sick of it. Tonight, we agreed he'd be home for bed and bath. He then called me from the pub and said he was leaving in 5 mins, which got him home just as I was putting DS down. He's out from lunch time tomorrow and out from Sunday lunch time too. Saturday and Sunday he's out playing at music gigs which he gets paid to do. However, it's not his full time day job and we don't need the money from the music gigs. What I really need is for him to be at home Fri night and at the weekends so that we can spend some time together and he can spend some time with DS. I find the weekends so lonely because the people I meet during the week are spending time with their other halves over the wkend and so they're not around. It's just me and DS and the days are so so long

The assumption is that he doesn't have change his life at all now we have a child and can continue to do what he wants when he wants. We had a massive argument tonight (I admit I got really frustrated and shouted at him) and he says I'm being unreasonable and my tone of voice is unacceptable. I know I shouldn't have shouted but, frankly, I'm so sick of the situation.

I'm so tempted to just put DS in his sling and get on a train to where my parents are but it feels like there is no going back from that. AIBU?

Sorry for length and for being slightly ranty. I'm just so upset about the whole thing at the moment.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 13/05/2011 21:17

It's not acceptable for him to spend every weekend away from you

Yanbu to want to go actually

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 21:18

As you are on maternity leave, why not just go to your parents for a break, a few days just to get your stress levels lowered.

Do you have friends who you can invite to stay for a weekend occasionally?

whomovedmychocolate · 13/05/2011 21:18

Perhaps you should. Some distance might help both of you. I'm sorry you are feeling like this. It's very common for husbands to think 'well that's her job, I go to work' and not realise it is* work.

Do you get out at all - to mum and baby groups. It can really help to make a few friends locally to provide some shape and variety to your week. :)

Mumsnet local is probably a good place to start to find some.

rubyslippers · 13/05/2011 21:20

Wmmc - it's not the weeks which are a problem - it's the weekends when he is absent

purplepidjin · 13/05/2011 21:20

I don't think YABU at all. He doesn't like your tone of voice when you're a brand new mum with no support? A few days with your parents might be just the break you need

icooksocks · 13/05/2011 21:21

Do you want to leave him? Or are you just pissed off and in the heat of the moment?
TBH YANBU-I do the lions share of care for our DC's but DH doesnt bugger off out all weekend, he's there to cook tea Grin
If I wereyou I'd also feel unsupported

boilingpoint · 13/05/2011 21:21

Oh bless ya, have a mumsnet style hug.. Grin

Now.. Dry your eyes, put your head in the air and repeat after me... "i am going to be ok"

You need to put things into perspective, has you (D) H always been this way? or is this a new thing he has started. shouting and screaming at each other will get you nowhere, Anger makes us irrational and do irrational things

My advice would be to sit (D) H down and talk to him about how all of this is making you feel. If that fails then it may be worth going and having a break with your parents to give him a little sharp shock into sorting himself out

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:21

Squeaky, I have loads of friends in London (where we live) that I see during the week. DH is out tomorrow night and I have invited some one round for dinner for some company.

I get out plenty during the week and have made lots of new friends. It's the weekends that I struggle with. I just feel that if I left and went to my parents then I wouldn't want to come back.

Have probably just got myself into a stupid irrational state.

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 13/05/2011 21:21

I think you should go and stay with your parents and give him something to think about. You will be able to have a rest and to talk to your parents. They might be able to give you some support and insight into the situation.

I think this is a fairly common problem as blokes don't seem to understand just how stressful and boring being with a baby 24/7 can be.

hiddenhome · 13/05/2011 21:23

You're not being irrational and if somebody told me off about my 'tone of voice' they'd lose their testicles. How old does he think you are?

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:24

I don't think YABU. I also agree with some other posts in that I would consider going away for a few days. It might be the break you both need. If it would do you and your DS good then why not? It isn't acceptable or fair for you to be stuck at home alone at the weekends on a regular basis.

Olivetti · 13/05/2011 21:24

I really feel for you. My DD is 6 months, and I am feeling pretty pissed off myself! Have no family nearby either (and they're not much help anyway), and feel completely knackered and put upon. I was thinking much along the same lines as you today, except idly dreamed of jumping on the eurostar and heading to Paris!! Wanna come? Grin Sad

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:25

We've not had problems before, no. The thing is that before we had our DS we both had very busy lives both in terms of work and social life. I accept that mine has changed and I don't mind - I don't want to go out clubbing or on the piss! I'm happy to stay in with DS. But DH just seems to think he can carry on as before.

Every time I try to talk to him about it I get told that I am being "overly emotional" and that he won't listen to me if I raise my voice. Which just makes me more emotional and shouty!

OP posts:
FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:25

Oh and yes I agree with hiddenhome re: his "tone of voice" comment. You are not his 12 year old child with an attitude problem you are his wife and the mother of his son.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:26

Olivetti, I feel your pain. I really do!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 13/05/2011 21:26

Nt being listened to would make anyone angry

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:27

Re the "tone of voice" - he's a teacher and sometimes the classroom manner comes home. He can be extremely patronising and refuses to engage in conversation if I'm at all cross. Imagine what that does to the anger levels.

OP posts:
FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:27

If it was me I WOULD go away. Whilst away you can ask your parents to have your son for an hour and you can sit calmly and write down all the issues you see as problems. If he wants to patronise you by treating you as a shouty woman who can't remain unemotional then present him with the piece of paper and tell him you expect responses. BOTH your lives changed when your DS came into the picture and it is NOT fair that it is just you thas to make these necessary changes.

Animation · 13/05/2011 21:28

He HAS to give you some support - you shouldn't be doing it on your own. Shout it from the rooftops if you have to.

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:28

I completely understand how being patronised makes you "lose it". My (almost ex) partner does this to me and I struggle very very badly to contain the anger it makes me feel.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:29

FurKnickers, yes, maybe a list of issues is the way forward.

I just feel so trapped.

OP posts:
Olivetti · 13/05/2011 21:30

Sorry, Honeybee, I feel like I am semi-hijacking your thread for my own ran, but I empathise with every word you say. I don't know whether it will make you feel better or worse, but I think a lot of mn think their lives can just go on much as before - hobbies, nights out etc, whereas ours COMPLETELY change. Like you, I was very busy in a London job, with a really active social lfe before, and now I'm lucky if I get to watch a DVD of my choice with a glass of wine. Sometimes it just gets too much, doesn't it.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:32

Rant away Olivetti! It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

OP posts:
PelvicFloorsOfSteel · 13/05/2011 21:33

This doesn't really solve the problem of DH not being there for you but I expect some of the mums you've met have partners who work shifts/spend time on hobbies at the weekend, maybe you could see what they think about a weekend meet-up?

With your DH I think you need to work out a system that works, when we had 1 DC we used to take it in turns to give each other lie-ins so we each had a bit of time off at the weekend, the rest of it was family time but we'd each have the odd afternoon/ evening doing something which didn't revolve around DC. If he isn't willing to do the family bit or exchange his music gigs for you having a bit of relaxation time then this isn't a fair and equal partnership.

ZimboMum · 13/05/2011 21:33

I really feel for you. My DS is almost 6 months and sometimes I'm ready to scream when his dad gets home from work for the day/weekend. I just need a break, and I'm very lucky that I get it.

Don't have anything useful to say - just that I feel for you and that a break at your parents might really help.