to consider taking DS, getting on a train and just leaving. Feel totally at the end of my tether with DH

[Honeybee79]

I'm sat here sobbing and feel so pissed off and upset.

We have a 7 month old DS. I'm on maternity leave and due back at work 4 days a wk towards end of June. I spend all day, every day with DS. We have no family/friends near to help. I don't mind, I love him to bits it's my job for the time being. I can fill the weekdays fine. But DH is just not around at the weekends and I'm sick of it. Tonight, we agreed he'd be home for bed and bath. He then called me from the pub and said he was leaving in 5 mins, which got him home just as I was putting DS down. He's out from lunch time tomorrow and out from Sunday lunch time too. Saturday and Sunday he's out playing at music gigs which he gets paid to do. However, it's not his full time day job and we don't need the money from the music gigs. What I really need is for him to be at home Fri night and at the weekends so that we can spend some time together and he can spend some time with DS. I find the weekends so lonely because the people I meet during the week are spending time with their other halves over the wkend and so they're not around. It's just me and DS and the days are so so long

The assumption is that he doesn't have change his life at all now we have a child and can continue to do what he wants when he wants. We had a massive argument tonight (I admit I got really frustrated and shouted at him) and he says I'm being unreasonable and my tone of voice is unacceptable. I know I shouldn't have shouted but, frankly, I'm so sick of the situation.

I'm so tempted to just put DS in his sling and get on a train to where my parents are but it feels like there is no going back from that. AIBU?

Sorry for length and for being slightly ranty. I'm just so upset about the whole thing at the moment.

I think going away for a few days would do you some good. At least you wouldn't be lonely as you'd be with your parents. When he asks why you went you can tell him exactly why.

He needs to understand that you need time to go and do other things as well and that he's not the only one. He's being incrediby selfish!

Thanks for the advice and support everyone.

He has apologised to me this morning for being a patronising nobber. I need to have a serious chat with him when I'm not feeling so knackered and pissed off. He's leaving at lunch time today but we'll talk tomorrow.

When he looks after DS he does do a brilliant job and always has done - I had a crash c-section and was in a right state after DS' birth and DH just did absolutely everything and is perfectly capable. It's just that he's never around.

I am not sure about going away with DS. I think the poster who said that DH would just enjoy the break and go to the pub and piss about even more might have been correct.

June half term - shall I just book a 4 day break and leave DS with DH? God, that's sorely tempting.

Sounds like you were thinking of going away not to get a break but to teach him a lesson? Even if he did use it to relive his bachelor days, he'd still miss you. The house would be hollow without you. Plus you'd have a break, with DGP's taking up a lot of the slack. You were pretty distraught at the start of your thread OP and tbh I don't think one apology one morning is going to clear away what looks to be a power struggle between you. I'd be thinking of setting some clear boundaries from the off, or this will dribble on for years iyswim. I'm also wondering why a very short break, even if you do leave abruptly, would be seen as a Terrible Thing? Get some air into the relationship OP, I would.

Yeah, I am still really upset and I know nothing's changed. We need to talk. My main motivation in wanting to go away is to have a change of scene and be around people who will be able to help me out with DS if I want to go out for a bit by myself. And because I am sick of DH even when he's around. A bit of distance would help me think a bit more clearly.

OP - I was in a very similar position to you a few years ago, DH never around, our family seeming to come bottom of the list of priorities. I basically was a single parent without the perks (i.e. being able to have a relationship with someone else)

It is very hard, but you do need to sit down rationally and discuss the situation. This worked for me - mark out a diary with the hours that he spends at work, the hours he spends doing hobbies and the hours that he spends with you and your DS. Making it visual really worked for me, and my DH could see the lack of time and attention that he was giving to us and our family.

Good luck and hugs

ModreB - I said to my friend the other day that I felt like a single parent without any of the advantages - ie being able to sleep with someone else and totally disregard DH's views and just whatever I think is right for me and DS.

I don't think I can add any more practical suggestions, just that you need to do what's right for you. I really hope you find a solution soon.

Oh, and I apologise on behalf of all teachers for the 'tone of voice' thing. We're trained to win arguments without being seen to lose face; I've never really thought about how annoying it must be to be on the other side of that!!!

Imagine YOU decided to carry on with your previous lifestyle and did whatever you please? Would he accomodate that? I think not.

YANBU....he needs to have a reality check. He has responsibilities as a father and husband

Can'tThink - yes, that's the issue. The default position in our household is that no matter what day it is, I'm looking after DS. DH assumes that DH puts himself first I will be in evenings and weekends to do this but that he can carry on with his old commitments.

It will be a rude awakening when I'm back at work 4 days a week and not home until 7pm each night and DH will be collecting from nursery and doing bath and bed (I'll do the morning "shift"). An extremely rude awakening.

Why is the default position that I'm "in charge" of DS when we're both in the house and both capable of looking after him. I'm not bfeeding any more so there is literally nothing I do that DH can't do too!

YANBU and you are not alone. However, I think I would wait until you are back at work beforeyou do anything dramatic. You will probably feel better with something to stimulate you outside of the home and feel less trapped.

Generally, I don't think men appreciate the tedium and frustration of bringing up a child and are quite often loath to give up anything themselves for the sake of a partner.

I used to work part-time on weekends, partly to relieve the tedium, partly to regain some self-respect and partly to get away from DD for a bit!! It's the only time he has ever done anything remotely useful for me, incidentally, and I'm still with him!!

Yours seems a bit U to me,too, IMHO. Hope you work something out.

However, I think I would wait until you are back at work beforeyou do anything dramatic

I disagree with that. Yes she would be getting out of the house and he would learn to pull his weight but imagine then in a few years if they think of having another child. She won't want to because she will remember that for the whole time she was a full time mum he wasn't pulling his weight. I think the trust in how supportive he would be in that or any other situation where she needed help would be gone. It needs to change now or she will be bitter and angry about this forever (or I would be anyway).

quack - I just meant that OP may change her mind when she's in a different environment. In an ideal world, she would get more support. We do not live in an ideal world, though. We sometimes have to make do with the circumstances we're in.

''Why is the default position that I'm "in charge" of DS when we're both in the house and both capable of looking after him. ''

I think this is a common problem that unfolds for many couples during maternity leave - as if we are 'on holiday' from work so we don't mind. So far from the truth, eh?

Well, I think that if that is the default position, then it's because you've let it become that way. You need to change that!