to consider taking DS, getting on a train and just leaving. Feel totally at the end of my tether with DH

[Honeybee79]

I'm sat here sobbing and feel so pissed off and upset.

We have a 7 month old DS. I'm on maternity leave and due back at work 4 days a wk towards end of June. I spend all day, every day with DS. We have no family/friends near to help. I don't mind, I love him to bits it's my job for the time being. I can fill the weekdays fine. But DH is just not around at the weekends and I'm sick of it. Tonight, we agreed he'd be home for bed and bath. He then called me from the pub and said he was leaving in 5 mins, which got him home just as I was putting DS down. He's out from lunch time tomorrow and out from Sunday lunch time too. Saturday and Sunday he's out playing at music gigs which he gets paid to do. However, it's not his full time day job and we don't need the money from the music gigs. What I really need is for him to be at home Fri night and at the weekends so that we can spend some time together and he can spend some time with DS. I find the weekends so lonely because the people I meet during the week are spending time with their other halves over the wkend and so they're not around. It's just me and DS and the days are so so long

The assumption is that he doesn't have change his life at all now we have a child and can continue to do what he wants when he wants. We had a massive argument tonight (I admit I got really frustrated and shouted at him) and he says I'm being unreasonable and my tone of voice is unacceptable. I know I shouldn't have shouted but, frankly, I'm so sick of the situation.

I'm so tempted to just put DS in his sling and get on a train to where my parents are but it feels like there is no going back from that. AIBU?

Sorry for length and for being slightly ranty. I'm just so upset about the whole thing at the moment.

Must sign off but best of luck and please consider taking a couple of days as a break away. All the best.

I'm venturing upstairs to speak to DH and see if he wants (a) a glass of wine and (b) to watch an episode of the West Wing (his "TV comfort blanket"). Let's just see if we can have a civilised conversation.

Honeybee you sound exactly like me. Didn't ask anyone, didn't want to intrude,didn't want sympathy.
But shift work is more and more common. My DH is a nurse so I rarely get to spend weekends/bank holidays/christmas/easter etc with him. Once I started asking people it amazed me how many women were sat at home feeling as I did. Now I know if I want to spend a bank holiday/weekend at home it is a choice but more often than not the house is full and when DH eventually gets home from work he falls asleep and has to wash up in the morning! Its a Win Win situation

I've not been to Paris since I was 11 (a loooong time ago) I would love to do that!

DP and I have the 'tone of voice' conversation each time we fight. I think he is too quick to shout; he thinks I use my 'teacher voice' on him. We agreed when we got together that we would never 'go to bed' on an argument, but in reality we've found that he we find it hard to calm down enough to talk logically on the same night as an argument. Offer him the wine now, but don't necessarily expect 'the conversation'. Try that in the morning. Good luck!

Oh, and go to your parents for a planned visit / break. Not for a spur of the moment escape.

I agree with the others. Men seem to adapt about 6months later than we do.

I agree the break would do you good. But I also think a break on your own would be beneficial to you both too. Best of luck xx

Also not been to Paris for years. Love it though. Great coffee and a chance to have a go with my crap French.

You are right - and I am going to remember your advice when I ask people if they fancy doing something over the weekend.

OP, I'm married to a teacher too and have suffered being treated like a naughty pupil! But that was decades ago and has now, mostly, stopped as I wouldn't stand for it. I was also a sport widow at weekends when DS1 was very tiny and it drove me mad too - so unfair. So, again, I put my foot down and said he could have one lie-in and weekend afternoon for his hobbies, but I expected something reciprocal as I was working too - bringing up our son.

It needed saying forcefully, but I got what I wanted and needed. I think a break with your parents is a great idea. Also a serious conversation of parental duties and responsibilities when you get back home. Good luck :)

Your experience sounds very much like my first mat leave. DH would sometimes pop to the pub on his way home, "forget" to call and come in tipsy, guilty and defensive way past DS's bed time leaving me fuming on the moral high ground. Not fun at all. It wasn't so much at the weekends with us as weekday evenings. It did all change once I went back to work, as we were relating much more as equal parents with equal responsibilities and more equal interests outside the home. If you're due back at work soon, you may well find that helps lots.

honeybee
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this me and DH are exactly the same we were quite happy having sort of separate lives before DS was born my life is now completely different his has never changed (DS is 2yo now) it's looking like it will cause the end of our marriage. He has the same kind of attitude/response as your DH.

If you can I would nip it in the bud now before you end up pregnant with another miserable with your marriage and full of regret.

Are you bf-ing and so cannot leave your ds for extended periods.

I would have thought you would want to leave your ds with your dh more and YOU go out and get some rest and do your own thing.

If he had to look after the baby the way you do, he would not have time to go for gigs and whatnot. So make him.

I'm no longer bfeeding. To be fair, when DH does look after DS he does a really good job. It's just that he's never around. Going out as I described in my original post is unacceptable, in my view. Makes me wonder how we'll cope with me back at work. We'll never see each other and who will do all the washing, house work and cooking? Cos I'm fucked if it's me. No way.

EdwardorEric - very sorry to hear that you're struggling. No bloody way are we having another DC until this situation is sorted.

The good news: DH will be looking after DS full time over the summer hols. I'll be back at work. Think that will lead him to reassess things very fast indeed!

Think the problem is he can carry on as before whereas you are stuck looking after your dc! Why don't you say to him, if you have a weekend away then next weekend it's my turn - and see what he says? I know it's not ideal if you're bfing but you can at least give him an idea of how he's making you feel.

I don't blame you at all for feeling this way. When dd1 was quite young baby u had to spell it out for DP. I said he could choose to live as a bachelor if he wanted to but it was incompatible with family life so he needs make a decision to change his ways or choose tonlive without his family. Like you I've never had any objection to DP going out, watching footie, seeing friends etc, but it does need to be balanced with family commitments and obligations. Sounds like your. DP is being rather self obsessed,

Also consider his role - do you let him get involved with baby? For us what really worked was me nominating DP as chief bather. At first he was nervous and terrified, but he soon came to love and cherish this duty and it got h really on board as a more hands on parent.

A least, a weekend away doesn't seem out of order.

Sorry, iPhone and wiggly newborn!

there needs to be an acceptance that gigging is his free time. this is very important becuase then you can negotiate equal free time

Start doing something every Saturday morning - either a sports class (use the creche) or leave the baby with him. Just so you have some form to your weekends. And get a baby sitter and book a restaurant and get him into the habit of taking you out. :)

And yes bog off for the weekend away. Preferably a three day weekend so he actually realises you are gone.

I could of written this post 7 years ago. I drove from Scotland to my parents house in Devon. Left dh a note saying I needed a break. He knew I needed one to but didn't do anything about it. It was the wake up call he needed! I was at my parents for a week.
I would do it again. So YANBU

Coming in late to this but with regard to his attitude towards your tone of voice (that has made me angry just reading about it, so your self control at not stoving his head in is to be admired!)....I find that emailing DH helps.

I send an email when I know he will be alone to read it and I set out exactly what my problem/s is/are and what I think could be done to rectify it.

Perhaps you could include a diary of the last few weeks of the time he has spent at home and the time spent out without you and your DC. When it is there in black and white there is non of the emotional language or behaviour that he is using as a smoke screen to avoid listening to you. He is using your shouting as an excuse and by removing that you give him no choice but to address your issues. Then add at the end of the email, I would like us to talk about this tonight/tomorrow/whenever, as this situation is making me very unhappy....etc.

Hope your break at your mums helps :)

I dont think this is normal at all. I was still having a social life when our daughter was this age. Your husband should be doing childcare so you get to go out with your friends on your own at least 1 weekend day or night. Also in the week you should have time to your self during the week to.

3 days is not long enough when you're travelling a long way imo. It's also not long enough to cool down after getting so wrought up. It's also not long enough for mr prig to realise he's getting this seriously wrong, leaving you feeling like a stuck pig who isn't even 'allowed' to voice any frustration. I don't know how you haven't wrung his neck tbh. Go away for at least a full week, at least long enough to wash the frustration out of your hair xx

Also complete load of rubbish that men take six months to adjust my husbnd was bathing our daughter and doing feeds on his own the week i got out of hospital. He was also looking after on his own for full days after 2 weeks as he and my mum took turns to look after her whilst I was at uni. There isnt anything weird about that its how normal dads behave.

YANBU no wonder you shout! "Tone of voice"? Seriously? He shouldn't be patronising you like that. He probably thinks he's being all calm and sensible "ooh HoneyBee is being all shouty look how calm I am!" I know this coz sometimes when my DP is yelling at me I go into uber calm mode, just to wind him up more.

Could you go away for a little break to your parents'? Or somewhere else? Sounds like you need to get away. Don't have to stay away for long.

I know how you feel except with my DP it was motorbikes. Every bloody weekend. Either fixing the bloody things or going down the Ace for god knows how long. I actually walked out on him a couple of times. Not just coz of the motorbikes other stuff too.

Honeybee, I think you're right and the summer holidays should help alot if your DH spends every day with DS when you're back at work. It will hopefully instil in him that DS is his 'job' as well as yours - at the moment clearly, because you're on leave, he has mentally closed DS off as completely your job.

I recommend writing a letter to your DH. I did this once when I felt that DH was just not listening to me about a big issue. It worked brilliantly. DH was actually quite shocked and worried to get a letter, I think he thought it was ending it all between us!!!

I think for you, a letter would disempower your DH from being able to divert you by his objections to your 'tone of voice' () It would give you the power because he has no excuse to not engage with your views, if they're written.

YANBU and I can sympathise. I used to find the weekends very difficult whent the DC were tiny and workaholic DH worked 47 weekends and I felt so lonely in the park on my own with the dc. He will adapt a bit eventually and things will be fine. Go to your parents for a long weekend now and again for a bit of company. I started going to church on Sundays just to get out and meet a few mums in creche. The DC are 16 and 12 now - he's still a workaholic but he is around more at weekends - just working on the continent Mon-Fri.

Coming to this late but I'm not sure you going off for a few days is necessarily the answer - he'll probably just enjoy even more time doing his usual stuff, without you 'nagging' (I don't think your post suggests you nag, btw, but a lot of people sadly use this as an excuse to listen to what you are asking).

My suggestion would be to find yourself some evening commitments, even if it's just getting out for a swim or to the gym. Then, explain to your DH that you need to start sharing the load and in future he will need to look after DS one or two nights a week (including a weekend one) so that you can do whatever you've booked. Explain that it needs to be quid pro quo - one night for him, another for you. Once he starts to get the picture of what it's like to be stuck in with a baby on his own every Friday night, he might start to see things differently.