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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider taking DS, getting on a train and just leaving. Feel totally at the end of my tether with DH

90 replies

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:15

I'm sat here sobbing and feel so pissed off and upset.

We have a 7 month old DS. I'm on maternity leave and due back at work 4 days a wk towards end of June. I spend all day, every day with DS. We have no family/friends near to help. I don't mind, I love him to bits it's my job for the time being. I can fill the weekdays fine. But DH is just not around at the weekends and I'm sick of it. Tonight, we agreed he'd be home for bed and bath. He then called me from the pub and said he was leaving in 5 mins, which got him home just as I was putting DS down. He's out from lunch time tomorrow and out from Sunday lunch time too. Saturday and Sunday he's out playing at music gigs which he gets paid to do. However, it's not his full time day job and we don't need the money from the music gigs. What I really need is for him to be at home Fri night and at the weekends so that we can spend some time together and he can spend some time with DS. I find the weekends so lonely because the people I meet during the week are spending time with their other halves over the wkend and so they're not around. It's just me and DS and the days are so so long

The assumption is that he doesn't have change his life at all now we have a child and can continue to do what he wants when he wants. We had a massive argument tonight (I admit I got really frustrated and shouted at him) and he says I'm being unreasonable and my tone of voice is unacceptable. I know I shouldn't have shouted but, frankly, I'm so sick of the situation.

I'm so tempted to just put DS in his sling and get on a train to where my parents are but it feels like there is no going back from that. AIBU?

Sorry for length and for being slightly ranty. I'm just so upset about the whole thing at the moment.

OP posts:

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:33

If you have the finances and the support from parents then why not just take a couple of days out? Your LO is far far too young to be upset or affected by what is basically, a trip to see the GPs for a couple of days and it might give you the space you need to breathe. Hopefully give your H a chance to reevaluate things also.

Original poster

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:34

I know what you mean FurKnickers. It's patronising as hell. I literally feel my bloody boil.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 13/05/2011 21:34

It's a shame your DS isn't a little older or I'd suggest going to your parents on your own tomorrow - and stay there until he rings you and begs you to come home - should take less than 48 hours!!

You say all that to him and he says you are unreasonable and he doesn't like your tone of voice - I'd be altering his tone - he'd be squeeking!!

See if he says anything to redeem himself later/in the morning. If not, wait until he goes out, pack some stuff and go to your parents. Leave him a note to say you have gone away to consider your relationship.

... it's not game playing, you need to do exactly that. You need to work out what you want, what you will accept and what you expect from him - OR to decide if you no longer want to be with him. Take the time to think about it all properly because it's not something you can do again and again.

He is being a complete and utter twat - he's living his life as though he is still a single bloke without kids. He needs to grow up or fuck off tbh.

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2011 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

norwegianwood · 13/05/2011 21:34

Ok first I definitely don't think YABU.
Your DH needs to step up to his responsibilites a bit more. Doesn't he actually want to spend time with you and your DS?

I second the idea of getting away for a few days would do you the world of good.

As an aside (and most definitely not to solve the problem), have you actually asked your friends if they are around at the weekend?
The reason I ask is because its amazing how many people are in your situation (I am because DH works weekends) but it took me ages to even ask if any of my new friends were free (I was worried to ask, didn't want to encroach on their family time/feel sorry for me etc), yet once I did it turned out there were quite a few of us who had DH who worked at the weekend so we would get together.

Hope you find a solution. I really feel you.

The mean side of me would suggest that you go off for the weekend at short notice and leave DS with DH

maxpower · 13/05/2011 21:35

OP, YADNBU, but is leaving going to solve the problem? What outcome do you want? He's a complete twunt for his comments about your tone of voice, but it does sound like you need to talk about this. Can you make some time for the 2 of you to discuss how you feel and what you need from each other?

FWIW when my DD was 6/7mo, I reached breaking point in terms of doing all the hw & childcare and DH wanting to go out with his mates all day to watch the 6 nations. IME it seems quite normal for mums (esp 1st time mums) to lose it about now and need their DH to step up, realise their lives are not unaffected by the arrival of their child and that you need their support, so they are going to have to start pulling their weight on the parenting & home front.

IIWY I'd also make some plans for you to go out at the weekend/evening with friends and leave your DS with DH.

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olivetti · 13/05/2011 21:36

I'm not sure I would leave him, though, unless there are wider issues - is he generally loving? From talking to a lot of my friends, a lot of husbands seem tquite thoughtless/slow to adapt to babies. I don't think many men have the first clue what motherhood takes out of you.

Poochinski · 13/05/2011 21:37

I've just read this to my DH and even he says that your fella is being a tool. YADNBU.

winnybella · 13/05/2011 21:37

YANBU at all. You are taking care of ds 90% of time. It is a job, and bloody hard one at that. You both became parents so both of you have to readjust your lives. Perhaps going to your parents for a few days would make him reflect a bit on his attitude and you could think calmly about what exactly you need him to do.

I live in Paris-come . We'll get drunk on the bank of Seine together and moan about dps/dhs.

BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 21:37

I know the feeling at the moment. Any days off DH has he either wants to a)play golf b)do things for his mother.
Family days we just do not have- ever.

Olivetti · 13/05/2011 21:39

Bimbo, Honeybee - day trip to Paris to see winnybella!

Original poster

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:40

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I haven't actually asked that many friends if they're free at weekends as I just assumed they want to spend time with their OHs then but maybe not. Maybe they're in my situation in which case we can keep each other company.

If I had a car I could take to my parents (instead of DH's 35 year old wreck which he won't let me replace) then I would have got in it tonight. I think I have hesitated because of the hassle of the train journey with DS but really it's not such a big deal.

OP posts:

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:43

I'm aware I am repeating myself (blame the ) but please do try to get away for a few days. Even just a weekend. It will do you the world of good. I suspect you don't really want to leave him for good but are at a bit of a boiling point. When I personally get to the point I feel like a trapped animal looking for the nearest exit but of course when you have DCs asleep upstairs you have nowhere to go! (Unlike the "lucky" OH's who can have their golf or their pints after work with the "boys"). You would be well within your rights to jump on a train and have a nice relaxing couple of days with your parents and your DS. Let him realise how miserable a dark empty home without his wife and little boys giggles is.

Original poster

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:44

Def day trip in Paris!!

DH is generally loving, yes. He is a good person and is clever and funny and kind. But he can also be thoughtless, arrogant and selfish. It's like he's living 7 months behind me and hasn't got his head round the fact that we have a son and he needs to come first, not the desire to go to the pub or play non essential music gigs for money that we're not really really in need of.

OP posts:

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:45

You would be FINE on the train. Just organise a seperate bag you keep with you that has what he will need in it and stuff your luggage out of sight. Don't forget Virgin trains sell mini bottles of wine hee hee

Original poster

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:49

I really don't need to take that much stuff as my Mum can borrow a buggy and a travel cot for us to use. It will only take 2.5 hrs to get up North.

I don't think I do want to leave him but, my God, if I was a violent person I wouldn't be tempted to hit him over the head right now. Like you say, you can't just run away when you have children. If I didn't have DS then I would just get on a flight and disappear for a few days.

OP posts:

norwegianwood · 13/05/2011 21:51

Honeybee Definitely start asking people if they are around at the weekend. You will be amazed how many people have OHs that work at the weekend. It took me 4years to pluck up the courage and I can't believe how many weekends I spent on my own when so many other mums were too!

Def a day trip to Paris (without DS) would do you the world of good - fuck it - I'll come with you, I need it desperately

Olivetti · 13/05/2011 21:52

It's a man's world, for sure. I didn't realise that until I had a baby! How naive I was.

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:52

You can disappear! Tell him you are at the end of your tether, he is NOT providing you the practical and emotional support you need and deserve and so you, and your little boy, are off for a few days. He's a big boy he can microwave himself some of those chips that come in microwave boxes hehe. (Not being blase just trying to cheer you up ). Get yourself away and enjoy a lovely break.

Original poster

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:53

Norwegianwood - you are right and I should ask other people if they want to meet at weekends. And I will do. I just didn't want people to feel sorry for me or to intrude on their family time because I know how precious that is.

Paris without the kids?! Let's do it!! .

Not crying any longer - thanks for the kindness.

OP posts:

Olivetti · 13/05/2011 21:53

I'm from the North as well - I went up on my own with DD on the train a few weeks ago, was fine. They love looking out the window/sleeping from the motion.

Original poster

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 21:54

Yep, I'm going to ring my Mum tomorrow and get on the phone to Virgin trains.

OP posts:

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 13/05/2011 21:56

You will be OK. It is tough in the baby stages and perhaps, given what you have said, he is struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is now a daddy. Not making excuses for him at ALL. I do think a small break may be very beneficial for you both. You can get together all the things you want to say and when you get back you can insist he deals with the issues. Once you are better rested and have had some perspective you may find that you can talk this out a lot better than when you are boiling with anger and want to smack him over the head with a frying pan shout at him.

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 13/05/2011 21:57

Tell him to man up to his responsibilities. Go to your parents and sod him.

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