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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD (2) and a dog question please ...

80 replies

doley · 13/05/2011 01:06

I think I might be being unreasonable here ?

We went to visit a very good friend of mine for coffee ,she has a gorgeous Dachshund and I have a gorgeous 2 year old Grin

The visit kicked off with her dog barking and barking ,and BARKING !
DD was terrified and screamed ,and screamed and SCREAMED !

This went on for a while till my friend suggested that all her dog needed was for me to greet him properly and he would then settle on the sofa .

So ,I did a big hello ,rubbed his tummy, the whole works ... showed DD the LOVELY DOG and he continued to yap at us .

It was difficult ,DD kept clinging to my leg ,dog kept sniffing round her ~she started screaming again and so on ...

I think at this point her dog should have either been put in the garden or behind a closed door( for a bit) to cool down .

I think I might be being unreasonable because he is a treasured member of her family ,he is a lovely dog he lives there and as his owner she didn't see the need .

But,it was just for a short visit ,a quick coffee and a chance to have a quick catch up .

Nobody could hear themselves think ,let alone speak !

I promise I will take advice Grin

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 13/05/2011 01:15

I'd have put the dog outside, on the grounds that neither child or dog was having a particularly nice time in each others company.

LordOfTheFlies · 13/05/2011 01:22

Personally I think YANBU. My 8 yo DD doesn't like dogs and I've posted in Behaviour.
Your DD is 2
The dog is naturally protecting his property and said hello but once he's seen you are no threat he should be sent to another room.
I personally don't like dogs on sofas ( but am prepared for other people to counter this)
I believe in the pack/pecking order ie adults,child then dog but again I know others won't.
When I'm working on visits NHS I always ask for the dogs to be put in another room,after I've said hello to it
MOST IMPORTANT your friend should have seen how upset your DD was and out of courtesy put the dog in another room-we are having a long slog with DD and I could think of few things worse.She can meet the dog gradually and get to know each other instead a forced meeting.

Vallhala · 13/05/2011 01:24

YABU. Maybe the dog wouldn't have continued to bark had your child not continued to scream? As in, "DD kept clinging to my leg ,dog kept sniffing round her ~she started screaming again..."

A dog cannot bark and sniff at the same time. If he was sniffing he wasn't barking yet your daughter screamed merely because he sniffed at her? Good grief!

Certainly there will be no opportunity to learn if the dog is isolated from visitors.... and besides, YOU were the visitor, it's HIS home... why should he be removed from a part of his own house?

Original poster
doley · 13/05/2011 01:37

lord yes,it was a first meeting for both dog and my DD .

Vallhala she is only just 2 ,so him sniffing was very intimidating for her .
He probably needed /wanted a proper greeting from her too ,I just don't know how she would have managed it at only 2 .

I do see the bit about it being his home ,I am wondering what my friend was thinking/hoping would happen ?Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
doley · 13/05/2011 01:39

Plus,the sniffing was manic . I think ? at her height I would have been scared too .

Seems silly ,he is a lovely ,cozy sausage dog ~I didn't think it would kick off like did TBH .

OP posts:
LordOfTheFlies · 13/05/2011 01:40

Valhalla I've read lots of your posts and I mega respect your opinion but surely if the girl was so upset there is no point in antagonising the situation.If the dog is barking so much you have to read the situation and step in- I repeatedly told my DD that her screaming would upset a dog but they don't always understand.
If the situation took a turn for the worse and the dog snapped there would be blame and recrimination all round, but I still say :respect the dog,you are in his house,its his job to protect but once the intros are done the dog should settle down-if that is in another room then so be it.

7to25 · 13/05/2011 01:51

The dog needs to be shown that it at the bottom of the pecking order in the "pack". Putting it in another room isolates him from the pack and is seen as punishment. Maybe reintroduce him to your daughter in a few minutes when she is settled on your knee and he has stopped barking. If this doesn't work, then out of the room again with the dog. Dogs are not humans and are happier knowing where they stand with the pack leader/ owner

Vallhala · 13/05/2011 02:01

The pack theory has been largely discredited for many years now, 7to25. This isn't about the dog "knowing his place" but about one who doesn't appear to have been socialised, a hysterical child and whether the situation should continue ad infinitum by banishing the dog to another room.

I'm far from fond of other peoples' small children, which colours my opinion, but if I were in the owner's position, far from being expected to remove my own dog from my (and his) own sitting room I'd require the hysterical child to be removed until SHE calmed down.

olderyetwider · 13/05/2011 02:02

Valhalla, do you really think that it was the fault of a two year old child that a dog kept barking at her? What would you do, just allow the dog to decide who can come in, and who can't, given that 'it's HIS home'?

What utter tosh!

LordOfTheFlies · 13/05/2011 02:05

So you've not renewed your subscrition to Cesar Milans fan club Valhalla washes mouth out with soapGrin

bananasinpjamas · 13/05/2011 02:09

I'm really impressed with the attitude the OP showed here, but maybe it might be a good idea to get your DD to try not to scream and look boring so the dog doesn't misinterpret this fear with trying to initiate play! . Maybe that will come when she is a little bit older, but I would give it a go. The kennel club do a great 'Safe and Sound' website for little kids, its got some great games and videos that you might be able to show her to help her understand. Personally I think understanding dog behaviour should be on the NC and be taught in PHSE/Misc lessons.

Like I said, YANBU but you would be U not teach your daughter the above tactic (tree and stone!). It might take a couple of years for your daughter to understand, but well done for handling the situation the way you did by not making a big deal of the situation!

Original poster
doley · 13/05/2011 02:31

Thanks all :)

Vallhala I suspect it was the mere sight of my DD that was making him over excited .
It was quite sad,through her tears she was trying to say hello like a big girl ,unfortunately it was too overwhelming .

My DD was not misbehaving ,just scared .
I don't think removing her would have done very much?but I do see your point if you suspect the dog has not been socialized ?

The dog is just 3 ,I don't know if that has any bearing at all Confused

bananas ~Thank you:) I will look in to that ,as I can't guarantee this will be a one off . (with her showing that fear today )

OP posts:
Rillyrillygoodlooking · 13/05/2011 02:40

Blimey, my DD who is nearly two would have been the same as well. She is not very happy when dogs are around, especially too near her. She tends to whimper and cling really tight to me.
My friend who has quite a big dog, will put the dog in her bedroom if we come round as Both DS and DD get a bit frightened around dogs. Especially DS now as he was completely bowled over by a big dog on the beach (no-one's fault.)

I personally think that the dog should have been taken away if your DD was so upset. Even if your DD had been taken away, she may have got scared again when reintroduced to the dog.

My opinion may be coloured though, as I don't think particularly highly of dogs and a human comes first.

saffy85 · 13/05/2011 05:53

YANBU think it would have been better to put the dog in another room for a few minutes just so OP could calm her daughter down, wipe her tears and give her lots of reassuring cuddles. Sounds like she was very frightened bless her. Could easily have brought the dog back in when both of them were calmer and they may have the best of friends from then on.

kirrinIsland · 13/05/2011 06:11

It sounds like your DD was genuinely frightened, as many are at that age. Sure, she needs to be introduced to dogs and can learn that they are not to be feared but in doesn't sound like this particular dog was going to help with that - I'd have put it in another room. I had an excitable dog ( though a bit bigger than a dachshund) and a friend who's 7 year old son is quite nervous around dogs. We use to tell him to completely ignore the big dog, pretend she wasn't there, and she would get bored and leave him alone. But he was old enough to understand this and put it into practice. When he was younger, the dog was given a chance to say hello but if she didn't calm down she was banished :)

RoyalWelsh · 13/05/2011 06:35

Speaking fromthe point of view of a dog owner, I would have been mortified if that was my dog. I'm nowhere near as experienced as some of the other posters with dogs on here, but I work on the premise that I know my dog better than anyone else, like parents know their children better than anyone else. I'm not saying my dog is like my child although she kind of is I'm just saying she's mine so I know her better.

My dog gets very excited when somebody first comes inthe house, but I know from experience that if we ignore her for a while she will get bored and calm down. Maybe thats what your friend was hoping to happen? That said, if my dog continued to misbehave their would be consequences and would be banished for a short period of time until she got the picture.

RoseC · 13/05/2011 06:46

I would also have removed the dog for a short while. The difference is that the dog is perfectly fine to be left to calm down in another room but, at two, your DD is not. An older child could have been told to play outside unsupervised maybe.

I second the idea of reintroducing them gradually with help from the Kennel Club website. I was bitten as a child and consequently scared of dogs but my cousin, who had a gorgeous and very docile sheepdog, gradually introduced me to him and I loved him dearly. I hope it goes well.

PinkIsMyFavouriteCrayon · 13/05/2011 07:19

YANBU, I once rejected a potential childminder because she did not feel it necessary to remove her barking dog when we were trying to interview her.
I love dogs (I have two) and DD is well used to them, but I was not comfortable leaving her with a yappy little dog that jumped on the sofa, barked in DD's face and wouldn't back off. Owners need to realise a compromise needs to be reached. I have a stairgate on my living room door, so people who are not keen on dogs don't have to be in the room with them (although they are very gentle and no bother!), but my dogs don't feel so left out, they can see everything and aren't locked away out of sight.

CFAW · 13/05/2011 07:34

I always put my dog in the kitchen when we have visitors, he can get over excited and jump on all men that talk to him. So unless they request to meet him, then he stays out the way.

Avantia · 13/05/2011 07:35

YANBU - I would have removed the dog to elsewhere - yesd it is his home but he doesn't rule the roost - alternative put your DD in the garden ? Hmm I think not.

Yes dogs should be socialised and children should be introduced to dogs , I(have a dog myself,) but socailising it with a child that is clearly distraught in this situation is not the best option. There's a time and a place for socailising dogs and this wasn't it.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/05/2011 07:40

I have a yapper. He gets put outside or upstairs if he doesnt stop being daft.

He LOVES kids but he gets excited and can go on and on which makes conversation difficult

So he gets removed and when he has calmed down he comes back in again.

We have been doing this for a while and he has improved a lot.

i cannot understand why anone would want their dog to cause a fuss everytime someone popped in. Its very annoying.

YANBU

Surpised at the dachshund though. They are ususally quietly suspicious in my experience Grin

Goblinchild · 13/05/2011 07:55

' if I were in the owner's position, far from being expected to remove my own dog from my (and his) own sitting room I'd require the hysterical child to be removed until SHE calmed down.'

Yup, that's what I'd have done. I'd have gone home.
Not in a flounce, just that the situation was unworkable.

HubbaHubbaBubba · 13/05/2011 08:03

I have two DDs who are 2 and just 4 - both, but particularly the older one, are terrified of dogs, regardless of size. We've tried various approaches (patting nice, old, slow dogs; making understanding noises; making 'don't be ridiculous' noises; telling her not to scream or run etc etc) but it makes v. little difference. My friend who has a dog puts her dog in the garden while I apologise profusely. I imagine I would be cross if she persisted in shoving the dog in my DD's face, however much I feel sad that my DDs aren't in love with her gorgeous dog.

winnybella · 13/05/2011 08:06

Some dogs are just yappy. My mum has one and it barks at everything. Whn we visited with dcs last summer, she would bark whenever she saw them for the first few days. Then she got to know them and calmed down.

I see your pov, OP, but at the same time I think putting the dog away would create problems for the future- hopefully after few more visits your D and the dog will get used to each other?

Huge generalisation here, but ime dachshunds can be quite pita fierce Grin

Callisto · 13/05/2011 08:11

Well I can't stand yappy dogs so the daschund would have been elsewhere just for that. However, I can't stand screaming children either so would have encouraged you to remove your child.