to think that actually, this is a form of financial abuse?

[prettymuchapixiegirl]

My friend is married and has 3 children, aged 9, 3 and a newborn baby. She hasn't worked since she had the 3 year old.

Her DH works full time, in a minimum wage job, and so they qualify for housing benefit, a small amount of council tax benefit, the usual tax credits and of course Child benefit.

Her DH says that, as he works and she doesn't, all the money is his, and everything is paid into one account, for which only he has access. He gives her a (small) amount each week for food shopping and if she needs money for anything else, such as taking the 2 youngest to toddler group, she has to ask him for money. Sometimes he says yes, sometimes no. He also logs all mileage on their car and checks when she's been out somewhere that she has only done the mileage she should have done and hasn't been anywhere else "wasting petrol".

She asked me my opinion and I said that in my opinion they are a family unit and as such all money coming into their house is theirs. Not his. And especially not money given to them by the state, for the children. He has earnt his wages, fair enough (although IMO they're not his and his alone) but the benefits are for the whole family. I wouldn't say that the children go without, but they have bags of handmedown clothes from me and from other people, and they don't get to do a lot of things such as have days out or even go to soft play or anything like that. My friend has no idea how much money they have in the bank as her husband won't tell her.

I have suggested to her that she sets up a bank account of her own and contacts tax credits and child benefit to get them paid into that account, although I'm unsure about whether they'd do that without her husband's agreement too. She would get a job but obviously she has a newborn baby and also she hasn't got any qualifications so chances are she would end up in a minimum wage job and pay all her wages on childcare. Her husband works shifts so she can't take an evening or weekend job, and she feels totally stuck.

It is more normal for child benefit to be paid to the mother

I don't think it's financial abuse as I'm not sure that exists, what it is is control and it is abusive

I wonder why she allows it

all monies should be a in a joint account that they have equal access to - and for one partner to log mileage to check where people go is ridiculous IMO and far from normal

Obviously he is controlling her, and the easiest way is to withhold her access to any finances.

She needs to be more assertive with him, and tell him she wants much more money per week off him.

Child tax credits are meant to be paid to the main carer as should child benefit, personally think that her husband wants and has to much control.

It's weird, controlling and has a hint of domestic 'issues' (not violence, but emotional stuff).

It's deinately utterly unfair.

She needs to do as you suggest and get her own account.

This isn't right.

Ah, I was right about financial abuse existing then. That link's very interesting and there are quite a few things that ring true about her husband's behaviour.

He's a controlling prick, but if she's not happy to go along with it the remedy is in her hands - and her hands only.

You've said your eminently sensible piece, but if you want to stay friends I suggest you don't refer to this topic again and only discuss it if she raises it.

If your friend allowed access to on the net? If so, point her in the direction of this site?

This is a very clear case of financial abuse. Can I direct anyone who hasn't heard of it to [[http://www.welshwomensaid.org/whatis/financial.html
this]] women's aid web page.

This is very much financial abuse.

Are there other forms of abuse going on?

If he is this controlling over money and her whereabouts then I cant imagine he is a good husband in other ways.

izzywhizzy, it can't be easy to just get up and leave him if she's got three children, including one newborn, and NO access to money. What can she do and where can she go really?

I'm not sure if there are any other forms of abuse really. I know he has threatened her in the past that if they split up he will take the children away from her and she'll never see them again, which of course is emotional abuse. He isn't violent but does sulk and wants everything his way. He is a really tiny man, very meek and mild and quietly spoken, it's surprising to hear what he's like behind closed doors really

That is definitely financial abuse. He sounds like a nightmare and she (and their children) would be better off without him. She should contact Women's Aid and work on a plan to get out of his vile control.

She needs to contact Women's Aid. If he is only not violent because she obeys him at all times then he is dangerous and needs to be got away from.

Seriously she would be better off in a homeless hostel than there.

Help her to make leaving plans now, like opening her own bank account, photocopying important docs like passports and birth certificates.

What borderslass said. Child tax credits and child benefit is supposed to be paid into the mothers account - doesn't she even have access to that? If not she should get it switched over into her own account. If he won't let her even do that then she should seriously review her relationship (to put it mildly!)

Doesn't matter what the correct term for it is, it's bloody HORRIBLE

Poor woman. I agree with what someone said above - about her getting the child benefit and Family tax credit paid to her bank account.

Are you able to suggest stuff like this to her? Would she be receptive? Otherwise you may have to have the "I was talking to a friend the other day and she told me how controlling her husband is ..." sort of conversation.

Of course it is financial abuse. The modern equivalent of 'keeping her barefoot and pregnant'. As others have said, she needs to set up her own bank account and get Child Benefit directed into it. This sort of situation is what CB was set up for, the recognition that the working men of that day held their wages as their own and that this was leading to wifes and children going seriously without. I don't know about tax credits etc, I'm sure others on here do though.

"He is a really tiny man, very meek and mild and quietly spoken, it's surprising to hear what he's like behind closed doors really"
Didn't surprise me at all. My grandfather was 5'2", and my grandmother worked every hour she could, salted her wages into her own account until she had enough to leave him. And advised me never to consider a small man "as they've all got a chip on their shoulder".

I have always found the smaller the man, the bigger the complex and petty behaviour.

prettymuchapixiegirl ultimately, only your friend can decide what she's prepared to tolerate in her marriage.

Personally, newborn or no newborn, I'd give the asshole an ultimatum, and if he didn't come across he'd be out on his ear or I'd been in a refuge/with family/friends if I wasn't on remand for murder.

Lack of height doesn't seem to have adversely affected high achievers such as Bernie Ecclestone, Tom Cruise, Danny de Vito etc, but as your friend's DH (for Dick Head) is a low earner I suspect that he behaves like a potentate at home to compensate for feelings of inadequacy

STG - it's not violence - it is abuse but there is no evidence (so far) or violence.

*of

Can I just stand up for small men, try replacing the word small for black and see how stupid you sound.

OP your friend sounds like she needs very much to escape from the economic prison her DH has locked her in. This isn't about tightness it's about control.