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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP wants me to travel 300 miles around 10 days after I give birth...[long]

113 replies

DirtyBit · 06/05/2011 14:44

He can feck right off.

For as long as I can remember the plan has been that his family will come up to see the baby, this is how it works isn't it? Nobody expects a new mother to travel across the country so they can see the baby.

Especially with the likelihood that I will be having a c-section.

I'm having our baby 2 weeks early due to GD, we'll find out the exact date next week. Last week he started saying he wanted to go down at the end of the month (1st anniversary of his dad's death - can understand but still!) but he would go on his own if I wasn't up to it...not really fair on me if I am recovering from a c-section/difficult birth, but I would have said ok as I know he found it very hard last year. Now all of a sudden it's "but I'll be wanting to take the baby, the whole point is that my family can meet her"...erm no...my 10 day old baby will need to be with me, not at the other end of the country for 4 days. Apparently I can just express milk it will be fine Hmm

He's being such an arse, apparently, even though this has been the plan all along, his brother probably can't get time off work to drive his mum up (she won't drive on motorways Hmm) blah blah blah none of his family will get to see her until August. He won't take a day off to go down another weekend because he's not got much holiday to use (why the fuck has he taken so many days off midweek to do nothing so far this year then?!) and it's not fair, he never sees his family and when he does want to he can't.
I've been suggesting to him for months that he take time off and we'll go down but he hasn't wanted to. We could have gone over easter or royal wedding weekend and he decided he wanted to for easter then changed his mind last minute.

So now I'm being unreasonable.

I had previously said that I didn't want his whole family - mum, brother, sister, aunt, nan & grandad to be up straight away, but said today if it's a choice between them coming up the week after or not seeing the baby until August I'd rather they came up the week after.

He's said "FINE but your family aren't coming over while mine are here if they do I'll turn them away at the door" I told him to stop being such an arse and I would make it clear to my family that that would be his family's time to spend with the baby.

I even said to him why don't they come up on the 21st (probably a couple of days after birth) so that he is with them on the anniversary, but no, his half brother wanted it to be all 3 brothers & his mum at the end of the month. I may be being incredibly selfish, but my opinion is that our baby's needs as well as mine come first in this case.

He's also having a massive strop over the fact that my mum invited us to her birthday party on the afternoon of the 29th months ago and we agreed, before he decided he wanted to go down south that weekend, and that if I'm up to it I will be going for a few hours. Apparently there is no difference between me going half an hour up the road or 4+ hours to the other end of the country. And he won't come and pick the baby up after a few hours if I wanted to stay for a while. Fine by me.

He seems to think that I'm of the impression that my family comes first, as I see them a lot more than he sees his, but my family live in the same area whereas his live at the other end of the country. He decided to move up here, and now he's saying I'm unreasonable beacsue I won't move down there for a year. I've said no chance, I'm at Uni ("you could transfer"), I don't want to move across the country with a newborn, and he was so desperate to get away, why would that make me want to move there?

ARGH I'm just so fed up of how he acts when we have an argument, he's so arsey about everything. And the way he talks about my family when he's annoyed really pisses me off, "your mum's loaded, she can afford it, mine can't" yet he's happy to accept all the help she's given us (money, car, baby things". He's really rude about it all.

He's such a wanker sometimes Angry

I honestly think I'm being reasonable but please correct me if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/05/2011 14:48

you are being perfectly reasonable

if this is indicative of the future then you're going to be complaining a lot about him before you leave

hopefully he grows the fuck up after the birth

ENormaSnob · 06/05/2011 14:48

Yadnbu

he sounds like a stupid, selfish arse IMO

KaraStarbuckThrace · 06/05/2011 14:48

'He can feck right off.'

TBH you really didn't need the rest of your post. The above covers it. You could be having the most calm, spit-the-baby-out-and-hope-someone-catches-it type birth and you would still not want to travel 100 miles when baby is only 10 days old.

YANBU. He is BVVVVVU and a twunt.

CoffeeDodger · 06/05/2011 14:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speakercorner · 06/05/2011 14:50

No YADNBU - as you already know. Sometimes men do seem to lose the plot when their partners are pregnant. Just stay calm and carry on.

squeakytoy · 06/05/2011 14:51

Why doesnt he drive down for his mum, pick her up, and bring her back. Or why cant she get on a train? As a mum herself, she ought to appreciate the logistics in travelling with a newborn and be sympathetic towards you.

fartingfran · 06/05/2011 14:51

Your situation has a lot of similarities with mine so you have my sympathy. YANBU, travelling at all with a 10 day old baby and a C-section wound would be daft, let alone hundreds of miles.

Could you subtly bypass him and talk to his mum, maybe go for the symoathy vote? That'll probably be seen as a big no no but I reckon it could be an option if you get on with her.

nijinsky · 06/05/2011 14:52

How upsetting. You are going to have to stick to your guns. Tough if he doesn't like it. He needs to get his priorities sorted out. Let him away with it at this stage in your life and he will think he can get away with anything. You, as a new mother, take priority over relatives in this situation.

thelittlefriend · 06/05/2011 14:52

YADNBU

He sounds like he doesn't really have any idea what it's going to be like when the baby arrives and pretty selfish Sad

GypsyMoth · 06/05/2011 14:53

i am Shock that men like this exist!!??

JeremyKylesPetProject · 06/05/2011 14:53

Would he be willing to undertake that journey after having major surgery, caring for a tiny baby, extreme tiredness and practically no sleep? If so YABU.

MerylStrop · 06/05/2011 14:53

How old are you? How long have you been together? Is like this all the time or has he transformed into an utter arse now the enormity of parenthood is looming? Might you be better off not together?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2011 14:55

How old is he and how long have you been together? Was he very lose to his father?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2011 14:55

Gah! close, not lose

DirtyBit · 06/05/2011 14:56

I'm glad I've not just been deluding myself.

I know he is finding it hard being so far from his family but it was his decision.

Don't worry I won't be caving in to the pressure.

I don't really think talking to his mum would make much difference, she's lovely but his family just don't think the same way that I do.

I would talk to my mum but she would rip his head off which probably wouldn't help Grin

OP posts:
netbook · 06/05/2011 14:56

Isn't the maximum time a new born is allowed in a car seat about 2 hours a day? See if you can find an official website that states this and then tell him to fuck off!

He's being a twat btw!

faverolles · 06/05/2011 14:56

Yanbu at all!
Does he really think you'll be up to a long trip 10 days after having a baby? (with or without a cs)
Tell him you will not be travelling anywhere until you feel up to it. If his family want to see the baby, they should be the ones making the effort. Your efforts should be put into relaxing and getting to know your new baby.
And tell him not to assume that you'll be expressing. It can be very tricky and unrewarding.
He sounds like a twat. Has he Amy idea what life will be like with a newborn?

MadamDeathstare · 06/05/2011 14:56

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Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/05/2011 14:57

YANBU, he is being ridiculous.

I had a section just over 5 weeks ago, and BFing has gone well (second baby so I know what I'm doing). I might consider taking a long trip away in the next couple of weeks, but I wouldn't do it unless absolutely necessary.
I have healed up really quickly this time, after my section with DS1 at 10 days postnatal I couldn't even carry him up the stairs.

They come to you - end of story.

I must ask - presumably this behaving like an arsehole is a new thing? Otherwise why did you decide to have a baby with him?

MadamDeathstare · 06/05/2011 14:58

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saffy85 · 06/05/2011 14:58

YANBU. Your DickheadPartner is being, well, a dickhead. And a selfish deluded one at that.

He needs to grow the fuck up ASAP because he can not go on acting this way once he's a dad. Your baby is not a posession to be shared out equally amongst everyone, so everyone "gets a turn" as it were. It just doesn't work out that way.

As for thinking he can take a tiny newborn away from it's mum for a few days he's having a bubble. Even if you weren't planning to BF it still isn't really doable. Shock at anyone suggesting it, let alone assuming you'd be ok with it!

foreverondiet · 06/05/2011 14:58

YANBU - assume from major concerns about your health, it would not be good for the baby either as its not safe for newborn to be in car seat for more than one hour at a time....

QuintessentialPains · 06/05/2011 14:58

oh dear. You are going to have some struggle with this grown up manchild. He is already resenting not being center of attention isnt he?

You have done what he has wanted for so long, and now that you assert yourself and says "actually, NO", he shows his true colours.

FakePlasticTrees · 06/05/2011 14:58

Well, that's not going to work is it? You aren't going to be fit to sit in the car for a long period only 10 days after a major operation. You aren't going to be able to sit a 10 day old baby in a car seat for more than 2 hours, so it's going to be an even longer journey. And it's highly unlikely you'll be able to express enough milk so soon into feeding your child.

Tell him you need to spend the first 6 weeks recovering from a major operation. (You're not allowed to drive for a reason) If he loves you, he'll spend all his free time for the first 6 weeks helping you recover and when he's at work, being grateful your family will care for the woman he loves while he's not there to do it for you.

Oh, and if he says he'll turn your family away at the door, call his bluff, no way he'd actually do that. (Unless he really is that much of an arse, in which case, you really should be thinking about your long term future without him)

MadamDeathstare · 06/05/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.