DP wants me to travel 300 miles around 10 days after I give birth...[long]

[DirtyBit]

He can feck right off.

For as long as I can remember the plan has been that his family will come up to see the baby, this is how it works isn't it? Nobody expects a new mother to travel across the country so they can see the baby.

Especially with the likelihood that I will be having a c-section.

I'm having our baby 2 weeks early due to GD, we'll find out the exact date next week. Last week he started saying he wanted to go down at the end of the month (1st anniversary of his dad's death - can understand but still!) but he would go on his own if I wasn't up to it...not really fair on me if I am recovering from a c-section/difficult birth, but I would have said ok as I know he found it very hard last year. Now all of a sudden it's "but I'll be wanting to take the baby, the whole point is that my family can meet her"...erm no...my 10 day old baby will need to be with me, not at the other end of the country for 4 days. Apparently I can just express milk it will be fine

He's being such an arse, apparently, even though this has been the plan all along, his brother probably can't get time off work to drive his mum up (she won't drive on motorways ) blah blah blah none of his family will get to see her until August. He won't take a day off to go down another weekend because he's not got much holiday to use (why the fuck has he taken so many days off midweek to do nothing so far this year then?!) and it's not fair, he never sees his family and when he does want to he can't.
I've been suggesting to him for months that he take time off and we'll go down but he hasn't wanted to. We could have gone over easter or royal wedding weekend and he decided he wanted to for easter then changed his mind last minute.

So now I'm being unreasonable.

I had previously said that I didn't want his whole family - mum, brother, sister, aunt, nan & grandad to be up straight away, but said today if it's a choice between them coming up the week after or not seeing the baby until August I'd rather they came up the week after.

He's said "FINE but your family aren't coming over while mine are here if they do I'll turn them away at the door" I told him to stop being such an arse and I would make it clear to my family that that would be his family's time to spend with the baby.

I even said to him why don't they come up on the 21st (probably a couple of days after birth) so that he is with them on the anniversary, but no, his half brother wanted it to be all 3 brothers & his mum at the end of the month. I may be being incredibly selfish, but my opinion is that our baby's needs as well as mine come first in this case.

He's also having a massive strop over the fact that my mum invited us to her birthday party on the afternoon of the 29th months ago and we agreed, before he decided he wanted to go down south that weekend, and that if I'm up to it I will be going for a few hours. Apparently there is no difference between me going half an hour up the road or 4+ hours to the other end of the country. And he won't come and pick the baby up after a few hours if I wanted to stay for a while. Fine by me.

He seems to think that I'm of the impression that my family comes first, as I see them a lot more than he sees his, but my family live in the same area whereas his live at the other end of the country. He decided to move up here, and now he's saying I'm unreasonable beacsue I won't move down there for a year. I've said no chance, I'm at Uni ("you could transfer"), I don't want to move across the country with a newborn, and he was so desperate to get away, why would that make me want to move there?

ARGH I'm just so fed up of how he acts when we have an argument, he's so arsey about everything. And the way he talks about my family when he's annoyed really pisses me off, "your mum's loaded, she can afford it, mine can't" yet he's happy to accept all the help she's given us (money, car, baby things". He's really rude about it all.

He's such a wanker sometimes

I honestly think I'm being reasonable but please correct me if I'm wrong.

He is being a total arse.

I have had 3 trouble free births and even after the lsat one (3 pushes and out! ) I would not have felt up to traviling that far 10 days pp.
That aside a newborn shold not be in a car seat for long at all!

You seem to have a great sence of perspective.
I hope you manage to keep it throgh hormones and tiredness >>unlike me!

I was still in hospital 10 days after giving birth, what an arse! Sorry to say it but if he is like this before you have the baby, I hate to think what he'll be like afterwards.

I'm almost 20, he's 21 in a few weeks, so quite young, and we've been together for about a year and half, it was around our first anniversary that we found out I was pregnant.

He's not usually like this, I think he's just stressed and so everything he gets wound up about seems a lot worse, I know I wouldn't have been able to cope with this whole pregnancy if I'd lived at the other end of the country to my mum, so I understand it's hard for him.

I just wish he would think rationally about it, because I know when he does he'll see it's completely ridiculous, he just loses the ability to stop and consider all the options once he's got annoyed about something.

I think it will be a lot better once the baby is here and everything has settled down, and we establish a routine and regular visits to see his family, it;s just all up in the air at the moment and he doesn't have anybody to support him through it all, they're all too far. We've had a very stressful few weeks and I know he's trying to keep it all inside so it's just building up.

WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM??? This is one of those social status/guy things 'I want everything to go my way and I can't cope that having the baby isn't about me' isn't it? Of course you and your preferences come first. That's just the way it is with babies, sorry guys.

Having a new baby is lovely. However it is only lovely if you are sensible and caring to yourself and your baby about about the realities of the situation:

C-section is major abdominal surgery. Developments in minimising scarring and painkillers etc may have made it seem straightforward but it is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY - they will cut through all your muscle layers, and you will have an OPEN WOUND THROUGH TO YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS that takes much longer than 10 days to heal.

Even if you have the world's quickest and straightforward labour your pelvis will be about 6 inches wider than it was before, your ligaments will be over-stretched from the hormones and you'll have swelling, bruising and probably grazing that makes sitting down PAINFUL and walking DIFFICULT.

You will have large swollen boobs that may well be sore or get blockages, you will not have slept for more than 1-2 hours at a time and have very little time to eat a decent meal or even wash properly. You will very likely be feeling emotional and overwhelmed.

You will need to change your baby's nappy and entire outfit probably every hour or two with feeding/pooing going on.

Perhaps you should keep telling him this????

Or just say: My decision is no to your suggestion. Next time, when it's you giving birth, you may make the decisions and I will do whatever you say.

Sorry he has really wound me up!

If you're having a CS, you will be wearing those bandages to prevent DVT as you won't be so mobile as usual. Sitting in a car for 4 hours is very, very unreasonable. Your H will be putting your health/life at risk if he gets his way.

{I realise I am laying it on a lot bit thick, but you get the picture.....}

If his family is really keen on the new born, they will come down to see you.

10 days after the baby is born, the midwives wont even have discharged you!

I will make it clear he is NOT like this all the time, no way, I wouldn't be with him if he was and I definately wouldn't be having his baby. He is a genuinely lovely person.

I know he'll see sense soon enough, just wish he would have thought it through properly before getting wound up about it.

I appreciate all your anger on my behalf, I really just needed to rant!

Aren't you his support though? You should be talking to each other about strategies for getting through this and supporting each other. Has he been to antenatal/parentcraft classes with you?

Be under no illusions, having a baby is a huge change for your relationship. You will naturally be focusing on the baby initially, especially if you are breastfeeding it really is all-consuming.
He needs to be totally signed up to helping you, and of course you will want your Mum around to help you if she is able to.

I hope he is ready to do 100% of the domestic duties for a few weeks until you are feeling better?

Bring it up at a mw appointment with him present.
Let her shoot him down in flames!!

if it is important for the grand parents and extended family to see a baby, then it logically follows that it is far, far, far more important for the mother to see and be with her own baby.

And as for his ideas about expressing,, words fail me.

I travelled 230 miles and 4 hours in the car 5 days after delivery BUT I had a very normal very quick delivery and a very easy baby, and it was not my first baby

I would definately say you can not do this after a c section, he is being a knob. I would do as Hampster suggested take him to your next antenatal appointment and ask her to tell your dp exactly why this is not a good idea

Well he saw a c-section on tv last night and was horrified, I just don't think he's connected that to what is potentially going to be happening to me.

He knows he'll be running around after me for the 2 weeks he has off work, and that it's going to take me around 6 weeks to fully recover, I honestly just think he hasn't put that together with the travelling situation and realised that the two are incompatible.

Once he thinks about it properly, he'll realise that he was being a twat and it wouldn't be as easy as he thinks it os on the surface.

He's been so keen to learn everything and find out everything that he needs to do with the baby, just not read up about the actual birth process and what that will do to my body.

I think a big part of the problem is right here.

your family
his family

when in reality - you are a family. you have relatives. all the relatives are equal. both mothers are equal to each other, all siblings are equal to each other etc etc

but your family unit is you, him and the baby.

As long as you are seeing this struggle between His Family and Your Family, you'll never BE a family yourselves.

forgot to say I was absolutely knackered after the journey

I agree with Hampsters - take him to the midwife. Your DH is most likely just not listening to you, but will prob listen to someone else (based on bitter experience with my DH.

DH forced me onto a transatlantic flight with DS1 at 7 weeks. When everyone around our seats flocked to see the baby, I let rip loudly in no uncertain terms how cruel I thought DH was

Hecate I think you're right.

It's just so difficult when his side of the family and mine are so different, with regards to personality as well as location.

They've never met and probably wouldn't get along which I think is why we both don't see each other's family as our own.

I hope that will change as we spend more time with them but I don't know that it will.

It would be a lot easier without the distance.

Ask your doctor to talk to him.

OMG no no no you can't do it, it's beyond ridiculous! 10 days after my cs I was back in hospital with an infection. At 10 days after the birth, especially with a first, especially with a cs, you'll still be getting visits daily, or every other day from the MW or HV if they have handed over. You will still be being monitored closely, that is you and the baby to make sure you are recovering ok. You will be in no fit state to travel that far even if everything has gone well. The very idea that you can express enough milk 10 days post birth to keep the baby going for 4 days is completely laughable. It's just not physically possible!

Show him this thread!

FWIW I don't think that it's that unusual for men to turn into idiots around babies and birth. I hope he snaps out of it soon though!

In situations such as this where dh is being a complete arse and he needs TELLING I just trot out "Oh I had a chat with the GP about travelling ( or whatever) and they have point blank said I mustn't travel so far after a section, apparently it's something to do with blood clots, yes I know it's SUCH a shame, I was SO looking forward to it, will you tell your family or will I? Actually darling, you had better ring as I am SO upset I am not sure I'll be able to hold it together, be a dear and ring them quick and arrange something else - couple of weeks after the baby's delivered should be good........."

The number of times I use 'I've had a chat with the GP' it's surprising my dh hasn't smelled a fish yet...........

YANBU, he's got no idea!

However I do think even the most involved DP/H will ostrich a bit about the birth process and aftermath. They have this wonderful idea that it'll all be fine, you'll pop the baby out and go back to normal. DH was very when I informed him lochia can last for 6 weeks, 2 weeks post-birth and I think he's starting to believe me.

He needs to do a bit more reading, possibly on here, about the birth process and immediate postnatal period.

Hmmm, when we see the consultant at the hospital on Tuesday, I might make a point of asking about all the aspects of recovery time, from tidying to travelling. Then he can't get arsey because THE DOCTOR SAID....

I fell quite sorry for him - he's going to have SUCH a shock!

heehee he sounds a bit like my dh tbh. full of stupid ricidulous ideas that make sense only in HIS head. what normally happens is that we argue about the stupidity of said issue and he thinks he is right. give it a few days of not mentioning it and he has suddenly either spoken to someone else who told him he's being an arse or he's reaslied himself. then he pretends that he was joking all along or that said stupid idea was in fact my idea or that i misunderstood him in the first place and am unreasonable to be soo cross at him
to give him his due this happened frequently when we younger (20ish) and now 35ish he only does it occassionaly. have to bite my lip sometimes not to laugh at him when he does it!