DP wants me to travel 300 miles around 10 days after I give birth...[long]

[DirtyBit]

He can feck right off.

For as long as I can remember the plan has been that his family will come up to see the baby, this is how it works isn't it? Nobody expects a new mother to travel across the country so they can see the baby.

Especially with the likelihood that I will be having a c-section.

I'm having our baby 2 weeks early due to GD, we'll find out the exact date next week. Last week he started saying he wanted to go down at the end of the month (1st anniversary of his dad's death - can understand but still!) but he would go on his own if I wasn't up to it...not really fair on me if I am recovering from a c-section/difficult birth, but I would have said ok as I know he found it very hard last year. Now all of a sudden it's "but I'll be wanting to take the baby, the whole point is that my family can meet her"...erm no...my 10 day old baby will need to be with me, not at the other end of the country for 4 days. Apparently I can just express milk it will be fine

He's being such an arse, apparently, even though this has been the plan all along, his brother probably can't get time off work to drive his mum up (she won't drive on motorways ) blah blah blah none of his family will get to see her until August. He won't take a day off to go down another weekend because he's not got much holiday to use (why the fuck has he taken so many days off midweek to do nothing so far this year then?!) and it's not fair, he never sees his family and when he does want to he can't.
I've been suggesting to him for months that he take time off and we'll go down but he hasn't wanted to. We could have gone over easter or royal wedding weekend and he decided he wanted to for easter then changed his mind last minute.

So now I'm being unreasonable.

I had previously said that I didn't want his whole family - mum, brother, sister, aunt, nan & grandad to be up straight away, but said today if it's a choice between them coming up the week after or not seeing the baby until August I'd rather they came up the week after.

He's said "FINE but your family aren't coming over while mine are here if they do I'll turn them away at the door" I told him to stop being such an arse and I would make it clear to my family that that would be his family's time to spend with the baby.

I even said to him why don't they come up on the 21st (probably a couple of days after birth) so that he is with them on the anniversary, but no, his half brother wanted it to be all 3 brothers & his mum at the end of the month. I may be being incredibly selfish, but my opinion is that our baby's needs as well as mine come first in this case.

He's also having a massive strop over the fact that my mum invited us to her birthday party on the afternoon of the 29th months ago and we agreed, before he decided he wanted to go down south that weekend, and that if I'm up to it I will be going for a few hours. Apparently there is no difference between me going half an hour up the road or 4+ hours to the other end of the country. And he won't come and pick the baby up after a few hours if I wanted to stay for a while. Fine by me.

He seems to think that I'm of the impression that my family comes first, as I see them a lot more than he sees his, but my family live in the same area whereas his live at the other end of the country. He decided to move up here, and now he's saying I'm unreasonable beacsue I won't move down there for a year. I've said no chance, I'm at Uni ("you could transfer"), I don't want to move across the country with a newborn, and he was so desperate to get away, why would that make me want to move there?

ARGH I'm just so fed up of how he acts when we have an argument, he's so arsey about everything. And the way he talks about my family when he's annoyed really pisses me off, "your mum's loaded, she can afford it, mine can't" yet he's happy to accept all the help she's given us (money, car, baby things". He's really rude about it all.

He's such a wanker sometimes

I honestly think I'm being reasonable but please correct me if I'm wrong.

YANBU, and not even taking into account the c-section wound, I couldn't have sat in the car that long 10 days after the op. I was having to change the two huge maternity pads in my knickers every half an hour.

My DH got into a bit of a sulk about his mum not getting to see DD straight away (similar to you she lives several hours away and doesn't drive) but I reminded him that I was in no fit state to travel and if she was that desperate she could always get a train. Needless to say she managed to wait until we visited a couple of months later.

DirtyBit - to put his expectations in perspective (to him) you may not even be out of hospital 10 days after the birth. There is no guarantee that won't happen with you - not wanting to scare you or anything! But if you have gestational diabetes and have a c-section you will probably be in hospital for 3 days at least and if your baby has problems regulating its sugar by itself it could be a lot longer.

And a technical point in your OP - no way on this earth will you be able to express an extra 4 days of milk in the ten days between giving birth and the "trip". Your milk doesn't even come through until day 3 or 4 and it takes time to build up. Plus you have to establish breast feeding which could take weeks.

He is being more than a little naive, selfish and ridiculous. His focus should be on you and your baby. What Hecate said basically. I hope this is a blip by him otherwise there are going to be real problems once the baby arrives.

DirtyBit - I was just about to second MadamDeathstare's advice, I think you watched the same programme DP and I did last night - was it a lady with triplets? DP switched the channel and curled up on the sofa with his head hidden until it went away. It took several minutes to persuade him to let me have the programme back on for the end.

I'd show him this thread, he's being completely bonkers;

• the whole newborn in car seat for that long issue
• you travelling post MAJOR abdominal surgery, even if birth is vaginal you'll still be sore, have stitches etc
• expressing enough milk in first 10 days for a weekend? a) best to leave expressing until bf is established b) loads of women can't express, my Mum never managed a drop but fed me for 18 months from the source

He's going to have a massive shock when the baby arrives.

Definitely ask the Dr about it 'but the Dr said no' is such a good argument

Kill him.

He's being a twunt.

If he's like this now you're going to have two children on your hands after the birth.

Time to buy him a toy from the new baby? Maybe a large teddy that he can strap into passenger seat when he makes his solo journey to visit his folks?

If there was a competiton for biggest plonker he'd be a shoo-in to win.

He is being unreasonable but he is not being an arse or a twat or anything similar. For the record I also think that you are being unreasonable and incredibly insensitive to what he is going through. No wonder he is reacting so badly if you can't support him at this time.

The first anniversary of the death of a loved one is incredibly difficult and I think that if he needs to be with his family then he should be but I really don't think he should take the baby. If you do need extra support during that time then can't you ask your Mum to come and stay.

I think he is looking at the baby as a comfort blanket in a way in that life goes on and gives hope. He wants this security to hold on to at this difficult time but he hasn't really taken into account how very difficult new borns can be let alone when a whole family are grieving. Does he really believe he's going to want to getting up every 2-3 hours during the night and day to feed and how would everyone else feel about this when sleep is such a release from the pain for a brief few hours.

There is nothing wrong with him resenting your family. If you speak to bereaved people there is often someone they will resent even if they feel bad about it and know it's wrong. It is a perfectly natural part of the grieving process and again I think you really need to find out about these things and support him rather than slagging him off.

You seem to think that being pregnant and having a c-section wins in the who's worse off game of top trumps but believe me it doesn't.

You may think he's a twat and an arse but from this post that's all you deserve.

OP, I was in hospital for four days after I had my little girl, because of the length of time my waters were broken. It was a complicated birth but not really for me, if that makes sense, I was up, feeling fine and walking around chatting to the midwives three hours after a thirty-five hour labour but my DD was in SCBU for the first day and then she needed IV antibiotics and close montoring for the next three days.

Then, she needed to be taken back and forward for follow up tests and the like. If I'd tried to say, 'I can't bring her because we're going 300 miles away' there'd have been outrage, and rightly so.

And I had a text book pregnancy - there was no predicting the prolonged membrane rupture and the fact that she was born with the cord round her neck twice, so she couldn't breathe.

I'm not saying that any if that will happen to you but the possibility is why most people plan nothing at all in those first few weeks.

BTW, if you don't end up needing the section, have you considered that first babies are often late and 10 days after your due date you could still be pregnant?

Hope he comes round soon!!

TheVisitor - did you press a button and say that into a small microphone nearby?

MintyMoo it was that programme, he's watched quite a lot of One Born Every Minute as well.

If he doesn't change his tune I will kill him.

Morticia - the OP has said several times that she understands why her partner is behaving like this, and she's not suggesting that her issues trump his.

BUT, lets break this down - this is a young woman having a tricky first pregnancy and facing major surgery. She doesn't need to be fighting with her partner over daft trips.

It's unfortunate that the date of the anniversary is when it is, but what is she supposed to do about that? Cross her legs?? She's going to have that baby when the Doctors schedule the section and her partner is about the first, truest, possibly toughest lesson of parenthood: It's not about him anymore.

He's got the right to grieve, yes, but not to be an arse about it, and demanding she travels in that condition, saying her will take her newborn away for four days and threatening to ban her family from the house IS being an arse. I'd be pissed off with him as well.

OP - ask him this: would his father have wanted him to put you and his newborn grandson through all that pain and trouble for his sake? Or would he have wanted his son to be the best partner and father he could be?

*about to learn...

Can't type today.

Ginnybag I think you got it exactly right there.

Morticia, If the situation had been any different, if I hadn't just had a baby, or even if I was heavily pregnant I would have done everything I could to make that anniversary what he needed it to be, whether that be travelling so far or not.

However, I don't have a choice in the matter, I don't get to decide when to have our baby, the consultant will decide that, and it will have to be before the anniversary, for health reasons.

He knows that it's not my fault and I'm not being intentionally difficult, which is why I am 'slagging him off' now, he shouldn't be acting like it's something I have done to spite him, as if I have any control over it. So yes, he is being an arse to make me feel as though I'm doing something wrong.

Sparkle, how did you guess?

Well, I am going to be vaguely nice about him because he is young - probably none of his friends have become Dads. When I was 21 I had no idea about the aftermath of childbirth. I had no idea about lochia or that breastfeeding could be so hard to establish or that my body would be quite so sore.

You need to explain all of this to him and if need be get him to speak to your consultant/GP/midwife to explain to him what a really crap idea it is.

As a previous poster has all ready pointed out he needs to stop thinking that this a "my family v your family" type situation as the reality is that you and the new baby will be his new family. He needs to put you and the baby first - sometimes just telling someone this calmly can be the lightbulb moment that they need.

Oh, and his Mum is going to have to learn how to use the train/bus as she is a grown up and cannot expect people to ferry her around all the time.

She is also a mother and might well be horrified that her son has come up with this crack pot idea in the first place. Unless she is completely heartless I cannot imagine anyone thinking it is a good idea to remove a newborn baby from its mother for 4 days.

I don't think either of mine had been discharged from the midwife 10 days after my sections! DD definitely wasn't. She was almost 3 weeks before they stopped coming to see us partially because of my Pre Eclampsia and partially because she was slow to gain weight. IF you've been poorly then I should think they'll want to check you for longer too. They definitely won't be impressed if baby is at the other end of the country when they need to come a do thier checks!

Even if sitting in a car for that long after a section would be comfortable or wise!

My family live a 3 hour drive away and they all came to us, both times.

I hope he comes to his sense soon Op.

a 4 hour jorney with a new born will take a lot longer as you will need to stop every 1 for a feed, nappy change and winding. At this stage a feed can take 1/2 - 1 hour. This might all need to explained to him.

TheCrackFox - you weren't the only one...!

I did, however, fall asleep on the second third night in hospital and inadvertently let DD feed on and off all she wanted for eight hours - my God, what a different baby she was after that.

I'm assuming the midwives checked on me, but I looked at the clock once and it was 12.30 am - when I looked again it was nearly nine!!

I would just add here - OP, I get the impression this is your first baby? (If I'm wrong, sorry, though this may still apply a bit.) One thing he may not be aware of is that breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park for a lot of women - it can take time, persistence and a heck of a lot of practice to get established, and if you're a first-time BF-er you're going to need the time and space to get going with it. This means that not only would taking the baby away with him for 4 days interrupt that and possibly make it harder for both of you to get back into the swing of it, there's a reasonable chance that expressing enough milk for 4 days just isn't going to be possible - I know a lot of women who've never really got to grips with pumping, and if you're getting the hang of BF-ing for the first time that needs to be your focus. Who says you're going to have the time or the energy to be mucking around with a pump, especially if BF-ing is challenging for you (I hope it's not, but have to be realistic, it's a possibility)? If so, once you're finished a feed, the last thing you're going to want to do is stick something else on your boobs and milk yourself, especially if you're sore.

I think the fact that you can't travel and the baby can't be away from you mean the only option left is for them to come to you. (Maybe some reading or a documentary about breastfeeding might help him understand why it's just not feasible?)

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I hope your CS goes smoothly and is as pain-free for you as these things can be.

I would absolutely tell him where to go. It is understandable that he wants to see his family on the anniversary, but he can't. He needs to grow up, and quickly.

FWIW I had a C-section (planned as yours is) with my first last year. The CS was absolutely fine, no complications, my recovery was as smooth as they come ( I even has disolvable stitches!) and there is no way in hell I would have done that journey. Absolutely none. Changing positions was sore, but if I stayed in the same position for too long I would hurt even more when I moved. At 10 days I was still bleeding a lot.

If you have stitches, isn't that around the time they'd be wanting to take them out?

Him taking the baby without you would absolutely destroy any chance of you being able to breastfeed I think. I didn't anyway (shoot me now) but for me, my milk didn't even come in until day 3-4, so your feeding will barely be established by the time he wants to take the baby. You will absolutely not be able to express enough milk for an additional 4 days in that time, and surely introducing a bottle for every feed at that stage would really reduce the chances of you being able to continue?

At 10 days post section I was still lounging around the house wearing loose clothing and leaking everywhere. I don't think it's fair to expect you to be totally surrounded with people who you aren't going to be entirely comfortable with at that stage. TBH I wouldn't be letting the in laws come to stay either. By all means visit, but you will need your privacy and space. They need to stay in a hotel.

Good point on being discharged by the midwife - we weren't discharged until 14 days post birth due to some stubborn jaundice.

I agree with thecrackfox
I had a bad labour, ended up with over 30 stitches and a cathether as it messed up my fanjo so much, i couldnt get out of bed properly for 3 weeks, once i was up i was fine, but stupidly I decided I wanted to visit my brother in Devon as my other family had visited him that week and dh was away with work so I drove when ds was a month old the 4.5 hour journey took 7 hours with nappy changes, feeds, traffic and having to get the baby out of seat so it didnt damage his spine, on top of that my pelvic floor was shattered and felt like i was going to piss myself for the duration

When i got there I could hardly walk and struggled so much i had to stay longer than expected for my body to sort itself out, when i got back home after 7 hour journey I ended up back at the hospital with complications due to having pressure on the scar for so long, 9 months on i've only just stopped having pain all due to my stupidity of a long car journey.

He sounds mad, he cant take your baby away from you for 4 days, you cant go just after having baby, if he wants his family to see baby they need to visit or he needs to think about getting Skype. He should go to visit family alone if its important to him, but imo his baby and you should come first