DP wants me to travel 300 miles around 10 days after I give birth...[long]

[DirtyBit]

He can feck right off.

For as long as I can remember the plan has been that his family will come up to see the baby, this is how it works isn't it? Nobody expects a new mother to travel across the country so they can see the baby.

Especially with the likelihood that I will be having a c-section.

I'm having our baby 2 weeks early due to GD, we'll find out the exact date next week. Last week he started saying he wanted to go down at the end of the month (1st anniversary of his dad's death - can understand but still!) but he would go on his own if I wasn't up to it...not really fair on me if I am recovering from a c-section/difficult birth, but I would have said ok as I know he found it very hard last year. Now all of a sudden it's "but I'll be wanting to take the baby, the whole point is that my family can meet her"...erm no...my 10 day old baby will need to be with me, not at the other end of the country for 4 days. Apparently I can just express milk it will be fine

He's being such an arse, apparently, even though this has been the plan all along, his brother probably can't get time off work to drive his mum up (she won't drive on motorways ) blah blah blah none of his family will get to see her until August. He won't take a day off to go down another weekend because he's not got much holiday to use (why the fuck has he taken so many days off midweek to do nothing so far this year then?!) and it's not fair, he never sees his family and when he does want to he can't.
I've been suggesting to him for months that he take time off and we'll go down but he hasn't wanted to. We could have gone over easter or royal wedding weekend and he decided he wanted to for easter then changed his mind last minute.

So now I'm being unreasonable.

I had previously said that I didn't want his whole family - mum, brother, sister, aunt, nan & grandad to be up straight away, but said today if it's a choice between them coming up the week after or not seeing the baby until August I'd rather they came up the week after.

He's said "FINE but your family aren't coming over while mine are here if they do I'll turn them away at the door" I told him to stop being such an arse and I would make it clear to my family that that would be his family's time to spend with the baby.

I even said to him why don't they come up on the 21st (probably a couple of days after birth) so that he is with them on the anniversary, but no, his half brother wanted it to be all 3 brothers & his mum at the end of the month. I may be being incredibly selfish, but my opinion is that our baby's needs as well as mine come first in this case.

He's also having a massive strop over the fact that my mum invited us to her birthday party on the afternoon of the 29th months ago and we agreed, before he decided he wanted to go down south that weekend, and that if I'm up to it I will be going for a few hours. Apparently there is no difference between me going half an hour up the road or 4+ hours to the other end of the country. And he won't come and pick the baby up after a few hours if I wanted to stay for a while. Fine by me.

He seems to think that I'm of the impression that my family comes first, as I see them a lot more than he sees his, but my family live in the same area whereas his live at the other end of the country. He decided to move up here, and now he's saying I'm unreasonable beacsue I won't move down there for a year. I've said no chance, I'm at Uni ("you could transfer"), I don't want to move across the country with a newborn, and he was so desperate to get away, why would that make me want to move there?

ARGH I'm just so fed up of how he acts when we have an argument, he's so arsey about everything. And the way he talks about my family when he's annoyed really pisses me off, "your mum's loaded, she can afford it, mine can't" yet he's happy to accept all the help she's given us (money, car, baby things". He's really rude about it all.

He's such a wanker sometimes

I honestly think I'm being reasonable but please correct me if I'm wrong.

I've only read the first half of your OP (don't have time to read 3+ pages of replies yet, but will read in full later) - and I fully sympathise with you, OP.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick, and you've made further posts to clarify things, I'm sorry if I've misunderstood.

However - good grief, your poor DP lost his dad a year ago and quite frankly, you don't seem to have much idea of what that's like. People grieve in very different ways, and for different periods of time, and 1 year really is not a very long time at all. Has it occurred to you that all the midweek time off work might have been necessary for him to deal with his grief? Please believe me, I'm not trying to upset you but I have lost both my parents in the past few years and it is utterly, utterly shit. The pressure I was under from my mum, a year after my dad's death, to mark the anniversary in the way she wanted to was absolutely unbearable. It sounds as though your DP could be facing something similar from his family.

I completely agree that you should not travel anywhere immediately after the C-section, and of course your DP should not take the baby without you anyway but he is probably saying this because he is trying to make sense of how his family fits together now his dad is no longer there, and he probably isn't thinking straight.

I have a FIL who won't travel anywhere - didn't visit either of our DCs after they were born, so I do sympathise.

It's not nice to have this sort of stress when you are at the end of a pregnancy but please try to see it from your DP's point of view, and say "No" nicely, don't make a huge deal out of it. After all, he's not going to snatch the baby out of your arms and drive off with it, nor is he going to force you into the car at gunpoint, so really you hold all the cards here and you know that you and the baby actually won't be going to visit his family until you are ready.

I hadn't even thought about being discharged by the miwife! So much to consider, I wish someone would actually sit down and tell me all this, they haven't seemed to bother giving me any info, I've had to find it all out by myself.

AFAIR it is suggested that if you want to establish BF, you shouldn't pump or supplement for 6 weeks to allow you and the baby to get to grips with feeding before you introduce a teat. Something about confusing the baby. May or may not be true but certainly something to tell him consider.

It can also take 3-4 days for your milk to come in - sometimes longer after a section as you haven't had the hormones produced at birth - so you'll not have been properly feeding even for a week before he wants to take baby away. Definitely not enough time to feed hourly and pump and store enough milk for him being away - even if you weren't desperately trying to sleep between feeds anyway!

And how's be going to get it there when it only lasts for 24 hours after pumping? Even if he froze it, it'd be defrosted by the time he got there so he'd have to be back within 24 hours for some more - it's not pasteurised you know!!!

He's really not thought this through...

"I wish someone would actually sit down and tell me all this, they haven't seemed to bother giving me any info, I've had to find it all out by myself."

That's what MN is for

Haha I know Blathers, I'd be absolutely clueless without MN.

MrsMoppet I understand what you're saying, and I did try and be gentle about it and explain my reasoning, but he wasn't having any of it.
He didn't see his dad that often, kept in touch by phone and visited him a few times a year, but I know it did affect him massively when he died, especially as he was having to organise everything and inform everyone from 300 miles away. I think he's being like this because it's getting closer to the anniversary date, I know he's been dreading it for months and hoping the baby wasn't born then etc.

His tantrum just wound me up, it was just like he didn't get that I wasn't trying to be awkward or spiteful.

Janey Mack - tell him to feck off and grow up! There is no way you are going to be comfortable in someone elses house with a newbaby who needs to be fed every 2-3 hours, a C-section that is still only healing, leaky boobs, and hormones all over the shop. And don't put up with all his relatives staying with you, except maybe his mother. That's absolute madness. You will feel that you have to entertain and cook for them even if they say otherwise. Let them visit for the day but no longer. If they want to spend time I would say when the baby is 2-3 months old and things have settled down. If your DP or his family give you grief over this then they are being incredibly selfish.
Gosh I feel so cross about your DP's behaviour .

How about you kick him in the balls three times a day for the next five days then ask him to go run a marathon, then he might get an inkling of how you might be feeling after your c-section, oh and give his nipples a good hard twist after each kick in the balls for good measure.

Me thinks he will then change his mind.

BTW - I live 2.5 hours from my family. When DSs were born my family and friends travelled up for the day to see them.

Good grief DirtyBit I read your op, but really didn't need to read past your title.

I was going through this my DH as his mom, sister and niece are coming out west to visit and he told them they could stay with us in our two bedroom condo... DH, NB (the baby will be about 2 weeks old) and me would sleep on the floor of DD's room, while MIL and SIL was in our bed and niece on couch. After much difficulty in bringing up the conversation, I finally just said no, it wasn't going to happen. He even told them they could use our car as I wouldn't likely be doing anything the week they were here... ya, like I'm going to stay cooped up for a week with a NB and toddler while they all galavant around. Anyhow, he did come around, after much explaining how completely disruptive it could potentially be... example being what if I did have to have a C-section or PND or colic baby.

If I were you, I'd sit him down, give him a hug and tell him that you know this is hard and that you love him very, very much and will do everything in your power to make it easier for him but that you simply cannot travel that far with a brand new baby and that you also cannot let him take the baby away from you when it is so small. Use some of the issues we've highlighted for you (section scar/healing/midwives/expressing/milk lasting etc) to illustrate your point but give them in a calm manner.

Give him some time to take it all in and then ask him what he'd like to do for his Dad on the anniversary. Maybe find a photo and get a new frame and put it up in your house somewhere or (but beware MN wrath on this one) light one of thise Chinese lanterns and send it up with a message to his Dad on? Maybe attend a Church service nearby if he believes? Could the baby have a middle name that means something to his Dad maybe?

He's obviously struggling and not thinking too clearly but you and the baby have to come first for a little while. It's hard but it's the way things have to be.

Good luck to the three of you. I hope things go smoothly for you all.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/1526517.stm I hope this helps

Thanks for your advice Blathers, I think this evening when we're both a bit calmer, we'll have to have chat about it and sort it out properly. It's impossible once it's turned into a row.

And thank you everyone else for your support and stories, I'm off to read up on current guidelines for carseat usage now so I know for when we do go down next.

YANBU. At all. Whoever pointed out that you need to spend 6 weeks in recovery has it right. No way you should be shunting around up and down the country. Even if you weren't having a c-section.

I can totally understand him wanting to be with his family on the anniversary of his dad's death - it's been two and a half years since my stepdad died and I still won't be separated from my sisters on that day. However, I know that might have to be different this year as I'll have just had a baby myself! If his family want some time together at that time, could he maybe go to them overnight so he's with them on the day, then bring his mum back with him for a couple of days, so that she's not on her own but you're not overwhelmed?

OP, my dh put me under huge pressure to drive to germany from the uk 14 days after my baby was born. I did. We're not together anymore. I agree with your first sentence.

I feel for you, OP. And for your dp, though he is being ridiculous. Having a first baby is really hard for many relationships, and a major bereavement Will Not Help. My dp had a series of bereavements just before I gave birth, and got very low, and I have to say we had a horrendous time in those early months. We were both just struggling to survive, both depressed, and equally guilty of not supporting each other. We came through and rebuilt our relationship, but it was REALLY tough.

Your dp is being very naive about what having a newborn is like, but I must say I was a bit concerned that you might be too. One of your posts seemed to suggest you think things will be ok once the baby is here and things settle down. Things won't settle down - for ages and ages! Having a baby is like lobbing a hand grenade in your life, and any relationship difficulties get worse, not better.

I'm not saying this to scare you, and I don't want to sound mean about calling you naive (we're all naive before we become mothers; I was about a thousand years older than you, and knew nothing!). But this is your first taste of how hard it can be to reframe your relationship around the birth of a first child. Absolutely you must not go along with his crazy plan, but talk to him, deadly seriously but very constructively, about how you two will work together as mutually supportive co-parents and partners, how you will try to look after each other when you're both exhausted and don't have enough hours in the day.

Very best of luck.

is this his first baby? is he very young and immature? it seems so. I have no idea what planet he is on expecting a new mother in recovery with a new baby and a serious operation scar to travel anywhere at 10 days. at 10 days you will be dealing with lots of all consuming things and on a very steep baby learning curve. you might be struggling with breast feeding, getting your milk more established, baby weight gain and be struggling to get even minimum sleep with a very wakeful baby who could even wake hourly - and all with you probably still in some degree of discomfort moving about.

to put it in perspective i was very fit before and throughout my pregnancy but still spent 4 days in hospital on strong drugs after my c-section. the for the next 3 days i couldn't even push my baby in it's buggy and had to have help from DH getting up the stairs. infact it took about 6 weeks to recover from the operation.

he is being very selfish and just thinking of his own needs and that of his relatives. he has to put this selfishness to one side and accept you and your baby are more important right now. he has to bend over backwards to meet what ever needs you have. you need time, support and stillness to bond with baby - his reckless behaviour could easily spoil these important first important weeks.

stand firm and think about your needs. refuse to go. refuse to let baby go as baby will 100% need you. tell him to go on his own and arrange to have your mum with you.

maybe even show him this post

I just want to say that I am smiling at the HUUUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE shock your DP is going to get when the baby does come. All plans he will have will be thrown up in the air and fall around him. If he has to suffer sleep depravation (sp), vomit all over him, pooey nappies, crying baby the last thing he will be thinking of is a huge drive like that. And I suspect he will change his mind about bringing baby away on his own!

Have I got this right? He's suggested taking your newborn baby away from you for FOUR DAYS????

His age (well, his immaturity, more so) is probably playing a huge part in this, but I'm afraid he is being an almightly dick over this. Don't go, don't even enter into a debate with him over it, and certainly don't discuss him taking your baby away for four days (FFS, how much of a fucking idiot is he?!). His family see you on your terms.

hes not necessarily a bad guy,he is however daft.as a brush.
the rigid planning and to do list,is single guy thinking.he hasnt got his head in the arent zone.the zone of no sleep and roller coaster emotions

op,best wishes when baby arrives.and you put yourself and baby first
get a few more telly programmes about birth on.internet video about cs
and do get staff on side if you feeel you need back up

longer term you and he need to accept a baby inevitably throws both your families together.and whether or not they are each other kind of people,they need to be cordial as your all linked family now.linked by the baby

Update:
His family are coming up here at some point, probably a couple of weeks after.

I suspect he has had time to think about it and realised that it was, in fact a ridiculous suggestion.

I know we are both in for a huge shock when baby arrives, but I supposed it's the kind of thing you can never really prepare for until it's happened, no matter how much you think you know.

I've only read the OP, but I assume this is your first dc? I think he has got no idea what is going to hit you when your dc is born.

"Apparently I can just express milk it will be fine" See if he still thinks this once the baby is born! Though actually he sounds like the type who may just leave the parenting all to you , so he may find it all a breeze...

much more sensible
good luck when baby arrives

Sorry just read your previous post - x posted!