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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

looked at DP's phone...mistake!

82 replies

cherrypez · 05/05/2011 17:44

Ok so I know I was totally unreasonable reading his texts, not wanting justification in that.
When I read his texts he was saying to his friend how 'fit' some girl at work is. Not great. I went off to work and sent him a shitty text saying I hoped the fit girl would be at work today. Very mature I know lol. Anyway, what I want to know is how others would react to this? Harmless lad talk or something to make a big issue out of?

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/05/2011 17:45

I would personally say harmless lad talk.

pingu2209 · 05/05/2011 17:47

I would be increadibly upset. I would say to him that if he read my texts where I was commenting on how attractive a guy was that I would see nearly everyday, he would not like it either. Say it was disrespectful.

Animation · 05/05/2011 17:47

Yes, you did right to knock it back and get it off your chest!

CareyFakes · 05/05/2011 17:48

Harmless lad talk, I also wouldn't of text him either. You're in the wrong for nosey on his phone.

CinnabarRed · 05/05/2011 17:49

Maybe she really is fit? Runs marathons and such?

But assuming he meant the term colloqially rather than literally I would still say harmless.

Chloe55 · 05/05/2011 17:50

Depends on the context of it really. Did he mention she was fit as his mate is single and he might try and set them up? Could it be that his mate asked if she was fit so he just replied she was? If he just sent a text to his mate saying phoar there's a really fit lass at work then it's a bit inappropriate but prob still not worth a huge argument about. You do realise that he will turn this back on you now for checking his phone, don't you? What made you decide to check it in the first place?

Sn0wflake · 05/05/2011 17:51

You shouldn't have sent a shitty text. You should have had a grown up conversation with him or said nothing at all. I doubt it is anything other than boys talk as he would keep his mouth shut if there was anything shifty going on.

Having said that if my husband was sending texts like that to his mates I would think it very out of character and be very alarmed because he's just not like that (but in 8 years I have never read his texts). So what I am saying is the context is everything.

Is he a bit of a lad? is his humour like that? how long have you been together and how serious a relationship is it?

yama · 05/05/2011 17:51

Not harmless lad talk.

Disrespectful to both you and the woman (unless she is under 18) at his work.

Not something I'd expect from my dh, my brothers or my Dad.

bigbuttons · 05/05/2011 17:51

It isn't that he thinks she's fit that's bad, that's allowed. It's that he wants her to be at work, that would ring some alarm bells. Watch your back op.

yama · 05/05/2011 17:53

To clarify - I meant the person he texted about should be referred to as a woman rather than a girl.

StewieGriffinsMom · 05/05/2011 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CinnabarRed · 05/05/2011 17:54

Where does the OP say that her DP wants this person to be at work? All it says is that he expressed the view, to a friend in a private text, that she was fit.

takethisonehereforastart · 05/05/2011 17:54

I'd be annoyed and I think I'd probably do the same thing you have, make a sarky comment or message and then let it go.

It's a bit like that advert with Peter Kaye, where his wife askes him who else he finds attractive because she won't mind, expecting someone famous but then he says "Julie at work" and his wife is upset then because it's someone he knows and sees all the time.

My DH fancies Dannii Minogue and I don't care, but if he said "Julie at work" I'd be pee-d off about it too. I wouldn't think there's anything else in it but a bit of banter, and I know DH didn't go blind when he married me, so he is going to notice other women. But it would still annoy me a bit. What did you DP say in reply to your text?

QuintessentialPains · 05/05/2011 17:55

I thought "fit" these days referred to sexy not actual fitness.

CinnabarRed · 05/05/2011 17:55

It was the OP who said she hoped the fit girl would be at work, in her snitty text to her DP.

Original poster

cherrypez · 05/05/2011 17:55

lol Chloe, he did indeed turn it back on me for checking his phone, and you were totally right about the motive... his mate is single and it was said in the context of 'you will like the new girl she's fit'. The reason I check his phone evry so often is that he had a, lets say, text flirtation with someone at work when I was heavily pregnant with our first and we split for a while so the trust has nrver quite returned. I must point out that he didnt actually cheat. But feeling like a whale and knowing your partner is having text sex with some young thing doesnt do much for the self confidence.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 05/05/2011 17:55

Yes, it does Quint. I was being light-hearted!

peppapighastakenovermylife · 05/05/2011 17:56

I texted my friend in work the other day that our new colleague was fit [shame]. It really means absolutely nothing other than the fact he is gorgeous! Huge difference between recognisiing someone is attractive and wanting to do anything about it!

Original poster

cherrypez · 05/05/2011 17:58

been together 5 years, 2 kids together, and he said, I quote, 'reading my phone? nice. was just letting * know as he said someone told him she's fit and it was the first time I'd seen her.'

OP posts:

Animation · 05/05/2011 18:00

Glad you cleared that up with him and set your mind at rest.

howdoyoueatyours · 05/05/2011 18:00

I wouldn't like it but it would be more the realisation that I had married a "phwoar look at the tits on that" type than anything else.

Did he text back?

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2011 18:08

As he has past form I think yanbu.

Original poster

cherrypez · 05/05/2011 18:08

yeh howdoyoueatyours he moaned that I read his phone and said he was just letting his (single)friend know as he had asked what she was like

OP posts:

spidookly · 05/05/2011 18:08

I would be pissed off to find out I was with the kind of loser who indulges in sexist "lads talk". "Fit" is a dog whistle word - if you want to avoid men who treat women as sexual objects and never mature beyond the age of 16, weeding out the ones who make comments about "girls" being "fit" is a good way to go.

spidookly · 05/05/2011 18:11

Text sex = cheating

He did actually do something.

He sounds vile.

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