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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

looked at DP's phone...mistake!

82 replies

cherrypez · 05/05/2011 17:44

Ok so I know I was totally unreasonable reading his texts, not wanting justification in that.
When I read his texts he was saying to his friend how 'fit' some girl at work is. Not great. I went off to work and sent him a shitty text saying I hoped the fit girl would be at work today. Very mature I know lol. Anyway, what I want to know is how others would react to this? Harmless lad talk or something to make a big issue out of?

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrypez · 05/05/2011 19:05

vintage thats pretty much what happened, so am I being silly to care?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 05/05/2011 19:08

Cherry - the thing is do you believe him? That's the crux isn't it. If you believe him then what he's done is a big fat nothing - if he's eyeing her up it's a big fat something!

unsurevalentine · 05/05/2011 19:10

I was just saying.

I kind of disagree with you cutting in - if you make a mistake in a relationship and your partner forgives you can you then be expected to be ok with being suspected for the rest of your life?

ChippingIn · 05/05/2011 19:18

Yes, you should expect to be 'suspected' - at least for quite some time until you prove you are worthy of their trust.

Animation · 05/05/2011 19:19

Unsurealentine.

Yes, you're going to be suspected if you talk to your mate about the new "fit" girl at work.

She should be concerned.

MixedClassBaby · 05/05/2011 19:21

Hardhatonamission Thu 05-May-11 18:58:10
Throw a wobbler about it. A Lad at works missus did what you did and now they're engaged. He did only propose to shut her up though, but still, you'll at least get a ring on your finger!

Wow, that's the way to go! Deal with your lack of trust by losing your temper and shut your mouth in return for a scrap of gold. That's the kind of relationship all us birds dream of eh?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/05/2011 19:24

Jennytailia Thu 05-May-11 18:30:32
Harmless, your just jel though, it's natural.

innit though hun

spidookly · 05/05/2011 19:52

Only scumbags use the word "fit" to mean someone they want to copulate with. But if you're happy to have oiks making remarks about your person then that's really up to you.

Original poster
cherrypez · 05/05/2011 20:46

Thankyou to everybody who took the time to answer, much appreciated x

OP posts:
gawdblimey · 05/05/2011 21:52

oh ffs

some people will only be happy when they have knocked every quirky, comical, unpc phrase out of the language and we are all automatons and stepford persons

ledkr · 05/05/2011 22:06

i checked my now dh phone yrs ago and there was indeed some ladish banter sent on a night out to another male friend, i was really upset but couldnt confront him cos shouldnt have read his phone,i brought it up months later when drunk and it was very explainable.I have never read his texts since.

Timeforanap · 05/05/2011 22:08

I would totally check DH's phone if I wanted to. I have no reason to suspect him at all, but I do think DPs have the right to access all areas...that's what being in a relationship is all about. And I would NOT be happy if I saw a text like that, although it does seem innocent enough, so YANBU.

mayorquimby · 05/05/2011 22:12

"that's what being in a relationship is all about"

For you.That's what's being in a relationship is all about for you.
For me it's about being with someone who'd respect my privacy. I couldn't be with someone who'd check my phone.
It's all subjective

Xales · 05/05/2011 22:17

I look at men (and women) all the time. With the warmer weather there are some very nice torsos on display (and some not so nice ones).

Some of them are very fit and I think pwhoar very nice......

There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong if I was sitting with a mate outside a cafe and nudged her and said pwhoar look at that.

It doesn't mean I care for the person I am seeing any less or that I would cheat on them. It is simple appreciation of something attractive.

I think you have over reacted although with the background it is more understandable.

If it is based on what has happened in your past you have to decide if you are going to forgive and forget in which case you have to and move on or not. I don't see how you can stay with something and be worried every time an attractive other walks past.

Timeforanap · 05/05/2011 22:27

mayorquimby I don't, in actual fact, "check" DH's 'phone, couldn't be bothered. But it is my right to do so IF I wanted to. I wouldn't like it if he wanted to check mine, but if he felt he needed to I would let him, because I love him and his security is more important to me than my privacy.

spidookly · 05/05/2011 22:33

It's your "right" to do it?

Confused

I would be extremely displeased if DH felt he could snoop around in my e-mails and stuff, and that it was his RIGHT (a legal right? a moral right? a right derived from what?)

If we were going through some big trauma related to trust and he asked me, I would let him look. I have nothing to hide from him. But I still value my privacy and would HATE him to just go looking through my personal communications.

If he did it behind my back I would consider that a massive breach of trust.

Even though I know his default password and he leaves his e-mail/facebook open on my laptop all the time I NEVER look at it.

nijinsky · 05/05/2011 22:34

Spidookly "I would be pissed off to find out I was with the kind of loser who indulges in sexist "lads talk". "Fit" is a dog whistle word - if you want to avoid men who treat women as sexual objects and never mature beyond the age of 16, weeding out the ones who make comments about "girls" being "fit" is a good way to go."

Couldn't have put it better myself. Its chavvy. Or at least a mark of a man who is a bit of a sheep and unable to think for himself properly.

Timeforanap · 05/05/2011 22:39

Well, I'm not in this position just trying to empathise, but...yes, to put it bluntly I do think that a person with whom I shared intimate access to my body should let me read their texts if I felt I needed to. I would ask rather than snoop.

But I reeaaallly don't want to read all DH's boring work texts! Just thinking about if I did feel insecure for any reason.

spidookly · 05/05/2011 22:48

"I do think that a person with whom I shared intimate access to my body should let me read their texts if I felt I needed to."

That's not at all the same as saying you have a right to check their phone.

Expecting that someone who loves you would let you check if you asked is entirely different from thinking you have a right to check if you choose to do so.

Timeforanap · 05/05/2011 22:57

Mmm, finding it hard to explain...I would expect someone who loved me would let me check if I asked, but if it really came down to brass tacks I would think I had a right to check, IYSWIM.

The point is, OP did feel the need to check and I think it was understandable and not unreasonable.

For heavens' sake, the sanctity of texts is less important than a DP's feelings.

spidookly · 05/05/2011 23:07

"For heavens' sake, the sanctity of texts is less important than a DP's feelings."

Well that depends entirely on the feelings, doesn't it?

There are plenty of extremely unpleasant feelings that might lead someone to feel they needed to read their partner's texts.

And I think my feelings about the sanctity of my personal communications are at least as important as DH's about his need to read them.

Timeforanap · 05/05/2011 23:25

There are plenty of extremely unpleasant feelings that might lead someone to feel they needed to read their partner's texts.

Right, I see your point, I think. Sad

ilovesooty · 05/05/2011 23:44

*"that's what being in a relationship is all about"

For you.That's what's being in a relationship is all about for you.
For me it's about being with someone who'd respect my privacy. I couldn't be with someone who'd check my phone.
It's all subjective*

I agree.

mayorquimby · 05/05/2011 23:55

"For heavens' sake, the sanctity of texts is less important than a DP's feelings."

Well no I'd say that's an over-simplification and it only assumes that one side of the discussion (the person wanting to check) has feelings.
I couldn't be with someone who felt they had a right to go through my phone because of the way such a relationship would make me feel. It's not to do with 'the sanctity of the texts', it's to do with my right to privacy and to discuss things with friends that I deem to be private.
You could easily use your tactic to switch it "for heavens sake, you're right to be nosey is less important than a dp's feelings/right to privacy"

Timeforanap · 06/05/2011 00:11

I agree with you about friends' privacy, I would not share other peoples' personal stuff.

To reiterate, I don't want to read DH's texts. I mentioned this thread to him and he started telling me about all the texts he's had recently just to be annoying, I had to beg him to stop.

I just think, if someone is upset and or worried about their DP's texts/emails/whatever then their DP should be willing to share their stuff in order to reassure their loved one.

I seem to remember DH and I standing in front of a large number of our friends and relations promising something along the lines of "...all that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you". To me, that includes texts, IF the issue came up.

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