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To Wonder About MIL wearing black for our wedding?

93 replies

gogo678 · 02/05/2011 10:30

Marrying DP in 3 weeks time (eee).
MIL has taken ages to find outfit. has chosen black suit with tiny cream dots on, patent black shoes and a patent black handbag.
AIBU to wonder what she's saying?
History is that in the last year we have had some issues with her over her taking over house and dd when she visits. DP has had words with PILS about house stuff. She is also very jealous of my mum who sees dd a lot more regularly.
I thought it was all sorted and we were getting back on track with them until I found out this...
Normally I'd say black to a wedding fine but don't most people accessorise with colour rather than more black?!

OP posts:

exexpat · 02/05/2011 10:34

My mother wore black and white to my wedding - no 'issues', it was just a good style, and black is meant to be 'slimming'. Unless she says something to hint that it's a protest, I think you are probably over-thinking this.


Hassled · 02/05/2011 10:36

I think you might be reading too much into it.


Sn0wflake · 02/05/2011 10:41

It's nothing probably. My mother wore black with blue sequins because it was slimming.

Why is she seeing less of her granddaughter than your mother?


meditrina · 02/05/2011 10:44

I really don't like funereal outfits at weddings and am generally against black. And I do agree that for mother of the groom to wear black is likely to be seen, especially by older guests, as significant.

But for the sake of your sanity you have to ignore this and rise above it. Not everyone will think like that, and it's far better to make a conscious decision that it is just her choice and unimportant. And give her a huge corsage, and stand a little bridesmaid in front of her in the photographs.


FollowMe · 02/05/2011 10:44

It sounds nice. Blk with polka dots is quite different to plain black!
I think you are Reading way too much into it


Knackeredmother · 02/05/2011 10:45

My mum wore black and looked amazing. However, it was a winter castle wedding and the bridesmaids were in black.
I don't think she would be 'sending a message' by her choice of outfit.


gogo678 · 02/05/2011 10:46

They all live quite far away. My mum drives and is willing to come to stay for 24-48 hours. She doesn't drive and won't leave FIL on his own.
Also I am very close to my mum and so things like dp being away for work for a few nights or, recently, on his stag do I ask my mum to come down and keep us company.
I don't ask her because getting her here would involve long long drives to various train stations to pick her up (she won't change trains and there is no direct route) and being on my own with her wouldn't be much fun tb totally and utterly h.
Probably am over thinking it. I also wondered though if other people at the wedding would notice and think about it so that maybe she'd be exposing herself to more scrutiny than she'd like?

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gogo678 · 02/05/2011 10:47

Exactly meditrina - put so much better than I have as well.

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nethunsreject · 02/05/2011 10:47

The black is fine.

The other stuff is an issue, but the black is fine, honest!


TidyDancer · 02/05/2011 10:49

Well, it could be her making a point, but you could (and this is probably more likely) be making too much of it. Either way, confronting her, or digging at her over it will achieve nothing, and you don't want increased bad feeling in the run up to the wedding.

I do think you could be making more of an effort with her though. How old is she?


ignatz · 02/05/2011 10:50

My stepsister wore skull-and-crossbone print accessorised with a dagger pendant to our parents' wedding!

Think you might be being over-sensitive


blindmelon · 02/05/2011 10:51

Um, I have a lovely black polka dot dress that I've worn to the last 3 weddings I've been to. I think you're reading too much into it. Now if she was wearing white... Grin


gogo678 · 02/05/2011 10:53

She is 58. I tried very hard in the first few month's of dd being here but it just got so difficult and complicated that I have withdrawn a bit and now communicate via dp mostly.
I also think it is dp's responsibility to manage his own family relationships tbh.

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gogo678 · 02/05/2011 10:54

Think I may be being over sensitive - I am ttc and obsessed with symptom spotting so you never know may be hormone related .
It was discovering the black shoes and bag that got me thiong more than the suit itself iyswim.

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BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 02/05/2011 10:55

I wore black and cream to a wedding once. my own! and am still happily wed to DH.

i think your opinion of her choice of outfit is being clouded by the other issues, and for the sake of sanity, 3 weeks time is not enough to address those.

try to stop thinking of her and enjoy your day Smile


sausagesandmarmelade · 02/05/2011 10:55

She's not wearing plain black tho....she's wearing black with cream dots.

I'm going to a wedding myself this week...and am wearing a black silk dress (which has pink detailing on the top) and a tailored pink jacket over it....teemed with black fascinator, black silk shoes and black clutch.

I think black is no longer an etiquette faux pas now...and more and more people are incorporating it.

I'm sure she will look fine.


sausagesandmarmelade · 02/05/2011 10:57

I've also seen black bridesmaid dresses now....with cream detailing on the top. They look really chic (but I admit, not what I would have chosen).


FabbyChic · 02/05/2011 10:57

Black is classy if I was going to a wedding I would wear black with black accessories because I look good in black.

I think you are overthinking it.


gogo678 · 02/05/2011 10:59

I will then return to obsessing about my hairpins and my pregnancy symptoms and leave her alone! Thanks all.

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TidyDancer · 02/05/2011 10:59

Yes, it should be (mainly) his responsibility, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything. If you have a few days free, inviting MIL wouldn't be that hard would it? And picking her up from a train station isn't a huge imposition really, even if it is quite far away. If she's anything like my mum (similar age) then she'll be nervous about changing trains, rather than trying to be awkward or precious.

Your MIL is seeing you invite your mum all the time and she never gets an invite. Is it any wonder your relationship with her is not the best and that she hogs your DD when you are with her? I'm not saying the woman is an angel, it seems from what you've said that there has been a history there, but if you want to improve things (hopefully you do?), it won't hurt to make an effort.


Icoulddoitbetter · 02/05/2011 11:03

Her outfit sounds lovely, if I'm honest. Sometimes older people go all out to wear colour at weddings and it really doesn't look that great. My mum wore navy to my wedding and looked great, but then my bridesmaids wore black so obviously I'm not sensitive about it!

You other problems are a separate matter I feel. Make sure she's got a nice bight buttonhole and it'll be fine. Have a lovely wedding Smile


Salmotrutta · 02/05/2011 11:04

It does seem to be different nowadays but total unrelieved black would not be my choice. Better to have some other colour included like the suggestions above.
But you say there are cream polka dots so maybe you are being oversensitive?

I actually thought Posh's outfit was total black at the RW until someone pointed out that it was midnight blue Blush - still didn't like it though.


gogo678 · 02/05/2011 11:06

Maybe you are right TidyDancer. I would fine spending whole days with her just us two very difficult though.
When I did ask her when dd was 10 weeks old and I had to do a KIT day for work (trying to keep balance equal between her and my mum back in the day) it got really messy with arrangements and in the end it was dh who put his foot down and said I couldn't drive that much in one day and work. Dd does sleep a bit now though so a bit easier. I will keep your post in my mind.

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gogo678 · 02/05/2011 11:08

Apparently they are really really tiny polka dots.
Should I be doing her a buttonhole??? I am only doing buttonholes for groom, best man, ushers and dads currently.
Wasn't going to do anything for mums with flowers (except give them each a centrepiece post wedding).

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PoppetOne · 02/05/2011 11:08

I understand how you feel but I would ignore it. See what other reactions she gets but I would rise above it and enjoy your day.

SIL wore long, strapless, cream dress to our wedding which I didn't think anything of until everyone mentioned it the day after! Apparently, staff at the wedding venue were in a flap as they thought she was the bride and had turned up early! Lol!

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