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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this child to stay away and/or tell his parents why

86 replies

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 19:46

not sure where to put this so decides here for quick response.

Our neighbour's 7 year old son has taken to calling on our 4 year old ds to play. I don't allow him out in the street yet so the kid normally just climbs over the wall and plays away in the garden. I felt he was a little old to be playing with ds but they seemed to play well and ds liked the company. The boy seems a bit of a loaner and I felt sorry for him. I am normally in the garden with them but over last few days have allowed them to play in the playroom. The parents never really speak or come looking for him though I do make him go ask their permission before he comes into our house.

So tonight they were playing away when I heard my ds shout no and start crying. He ran through to us shaking and very upset and the boy ran out the patio doors and jumped over the wall back to his house. Ds has told us the boy asked if he could kiss him in his bum. He knew it was bad and said he shouted at him no and ran to us which all
Fits in to what I heard.

Ds is a very honest little boy and has never came out with anything like that before and was so upset by it. We have asked him in varying ways what was said and his story is consistent every time.

If it was my ds who had said that I would
Want to know so I could help him understand these things are inappropriate but I just don't know if I should approach the parents considering in 7 years they have not as much as smiled at us.
If he comes back should I just say ds was upset last time he was here so we think he should go find kids of his own age to
Play with? Im just worried if he does this to
Another little girl/boy and I knew he had said it
To ds.

What to do?? Excuse the typing am
On my phone

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 01/05/2011 19:48

I would tell his parents.

worraliberty · 01/05/2011 19:49

I'd tell the parents. If this had happened at school, the parents (and possibly SS) would have been informed.

blueeyedmonster · 01/05/2011 19:49

I would tell his parents and not allow him indoors again at the least.

diabolo · 01/05/2011 19:51

He wouldn't be playing with my DS again. Tell the parents, if it continues to worry you, perhaps consider escalating to SS or NSPCC - it is not normal 7 yo behaviour.

hairylights · 01/05/2011 19:52

Sounds upsetting.

Little boys and girls do say that kind of thing - my neices were forever 'flashing' their bums and looking down my top shouting 'boobies' when they were smaller - but seven does seem perhaps a little big for that kind of thing.

I think you should say something to the parents. Perhaps don't make a massive issue of it - just a a quiet word to the parents, and no more to your little boy (the more you fuss, the more he'll be worried about it).

Zooo · 01/05/2011 19:52

I would tell his parents but remembering that this boy is only 7. Perhaps, if you do allow him over again, you could supervise the play.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 19:53

That's exactly how I feel. Though I
Am angry for my ds Im also concerned for the little boy. Dh thinks
We should leave well alone but keep the child away from ds.
I just feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

OP posts:

ttalloo · 01/05/2011 19:54

I would tell his parents, OP, and not allow him anywhere near my DS, if I were you. I'd also get a higher garden wall.

Depending on how his parents react, I'd consider contacting SS or the NSPCC as diabolo suggests.

Are you OK, by the way, OP? This must have been a terrible shock for you.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 20:02

I'm ok just upset for my ds. He is only 4 and I have never seen him so upset. My dh has been saying for days he did not like the boy coming round as he felt there was something strange about him and all I done was have a go at him for being horrible about a child I should have listened.

I know kids do say these things but my child has know for a longtime that his bits are covered up for a reason and that nobody should ever touch him there and likewise he should not be touching anyone else there either. I had a bad experience as a child so it's kind of brought that back and though it's nowhere like what happened to me it's just horrified me my child was in such a situation.

OP posts:

Shallishanti · 01/05/2011 20:03

it's difficult to tell from what your ds said whether this is normal toilet humour type behaviour (=normal, nothing to worry about) or something more worrying. If your ds had been enjoying playing with this boy, I'd be inclined to allow him to come back but under discreet supervision, then perhaps you can tell more what is going on. Perhaps you walk him home one time so you have a chance to establish some contact with his parents?

Mamaz0n · 01/05/2011 20:07

you need to tell the parents and let them know that you will be contacting SS.

FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 20:10

Knock on the parents door and say that as you know your son has often been in my house and has been playing with my four year old, well today he asked my four year old if he could kiss his bum, my son is very upset and we feel this is really not appropriate and would appreciate you telling your son not to come over anymore. Besides that the age gap is really too vast.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 20:14

Ds said that they were playing with his train set when the boy just asked him "can I kiss you in the bum" when ds screamed no and ran out I jumped up and seen the lad run out the kitchen and jump over the wall. I asked what they had been talking about before he said it and he said nothing they were just playing trains.

It's hard to walk him home he is right next door the parents come in and out every day but heads down not acknowledging anyone they have always been like that. They have a sign on their door saying "don't ring our bell unless you have been invited". Says it all! Their house backs onto ours so the son jumps from his garden into ours.

I feel sick! I don't want him back to play and neither does dh I did feel he was a little old to start with anyway and pretty destructive has already smashed a window in ds playhouse but that's just kids but this has just left too bad a taste in my mouth.

I do feel I should say to the parents what happened just so they are
AwAre but just feel they won't be receptive and feel sick at what to say.

OP posts:

bubblecoral · 01/05/2011 20:15

The last thing I would do would be to tell the parents. One of them could be abusing him. They could well not be too, but him bieng punished for letting someone know is not a risk I'd want to take. I think you should ring the NSPCC for advice on what to do about the other boy, and keep him away from your child, even if they advise you to keep an eye on him. Your priority is your own child.

Chandon · 01/05/2011 20:16

contacting SS? really?

I think it is a bit odd, but actually my DS (8) would say things like that, anything with bottoms makes him laugh and the ideally of "kissing" a bum would be a great joke to him.

The thing that is odd is that:

the parents have never talked to you. It is not normal to let a child play at someone's house if you don't know them I think
It's odd that it made your DC cry, so I wonder if something else happened. If someone would asky my DS2 (5) to kiss his bum he would laugh or say "no" (or say "yes"...help me), probably "no", but not cry about it IYSWIM????

It's all a bit odd, but I would not call SS!

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 20:17

Thanks fabbychic I think that sounds ok. I just keep imagining how I would be if someone came to my door and said that. Mind you if my son was going to someones house I would e making sure I had met the parents and I was happy with the house he was going into an the family. He has been here practically all weekend they have never looked for him once.

OP posts:

bustersmummy · 01/05/2011 20:18

I would ring NSPCC for advice.

icooksocks · 01/05/2011 20:18

The age gap of the two children shouldn't worry you, my dd (6) plays with the neighbours kids who are 8,9 and 10 on a regular basis, and the 10 year old isnearly always round here (also a girl) out of school hours. We live in a small village so they all get on well.
What worries me is why a 7 year old would know about such things, and therefore I would tread very carefully before going to speak to parents. If (and bear in mind its a huge if) there is anything untoward going on the poor little lad might suffer more. I don't really know what the acceptable ettiquette is, especially there is a large chance it's something he's overheard that he shouldn't have done.

Teachermumof3 · 01/05/2011 20:19

I would go round there now and talk to the parents. Explain what's happened and say that your four year old is extremely upset. I would also make it very clear that you can't be expected to have their child round to play whenever he feels like it (how often do they have your DS round to play?). What would happen if he'd let himself in to your house and hurt himself; would they consider you to be responsible?

I'd put trellis all around the top of the fence I think!

Please do talk to them today. Now-don't wait.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 20:19

Crossed posts chandon. Ds just knew it was a bad thing he was being asked and he was uncomfortable. I asked if he had touched him anywhere and he said no but didn't like what he asked him.

OP posts:

Trifle · 01/05/2011 20:23

Social Services???
NSPCC ???
Talk about over reaction.
My ds is 9 and his best friend lives up the road who is 5. They play well together and the age gap doesnt seem weird, inappropriate, odd etc as some have said.
My ds was about 5 or 6 and in situations where willies, bums etc became very funny and touching or looking were par for the course. I certainly didnt feel it necessary to rope in social services.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 20:24

My ds has never been in their house. I don't know them and ds has only just turned 4. It only started when their son started sitting on our wall watching us when we played in the garden. That was about 6 weeks ago. The next thing he wAs asking to come in and I said he could if it was ok with his parents. Then ds wanted to show home the playroom so once again I made him ask permission. I have always found the parents weird and felt sorry for the boy. I give him drinks and food and he is here every day after school and all the time if we are in. The parents just won't speak even if I try. Which is why I am concerned about approaching them.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 01/05/2011 20:25

For your child to react like that OP, are you sure it was just 'out of the blue'?

I mean to scream at him and then run to you crying and being visibly upset like that, seems like an over reaction?

I know all kids are different but I would have expected something more along the lines of "Yuck, that's disgusting!...Muuuuuum!" and then him leaving the playroom to tell you.

Chandon · 01/05/2011 20:25

Oh Trifle, I am so glad I am not the only one thinking like this.

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 20:25

I am very torn about this. On it's own, the bum kissing thing doesn't alarm me that much - it's in the realms of normal experimentation (I have 2 sons and at one time or another they have both been bum-obsessed). Really good that your DS was so forceful in asserting himself, though.

OTOH, the fact that the parents aren't apparently very interested in what their son is doing is a bit worrying, and might flag up the fact that something's not "quite right! in the home, for want of a better phrase, and that, therefore the son's actions are part of something more worrying.

I think I'd let the child play again, IF your son wants to, but only in view, then take it from there.

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