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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this child to stay away and/or tell his parents why

86 replies

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 19:46

not sure where to put this so decides here for quick response.

Our neighbour's 7 year old son has taken to calling on our 4 year old ds to play. I don't allow him out in the street yet so the kid normally just climbs over the wall and plays away in the garden. I felt he was a little old to be playing with ds but they seemed to play well and ds liked the company. The boy seems a bit of a loaner and I felt sorry for him. I am normally in the garden with them but over last few days have allowed them to play in the playroom. The parents never really speak or come looking for him though I do make him go ask their permission before he comes into our house.

So tonight they were playing away when I heard my ds shout no and start crying. He ran through to us shaking and very upset and the boy ran out the patio doors and jumped over the wall back to his house. Ds has told us the boy asked if he could kiss him in his bum. He knew it was bad and said he shouted at him no and ran to us which all
Fits in to what I heard.

Ds is a very honest little boy and has never came out with anything like that before and was so upset by it. We have asked him in varying ways what was said and his story is consistent every time.

If it was my ds who had said that I would
Want to know so I could help him understand these things are inappropriate but I just don't know if I should approach the parents considering in 7 years they have not as much as smiled at us.
If he comes back should I just say ds was upset last time he was here so we think he should go find kids of his own age to
Play with? Im just worried if he does this to
Another little girl/boy and I knew he had said it
To ds.

What to do?? Excuse the typing am
On my phone

OP posts:

Southcoastsarah · 01/05/2011 21:07

id ring nspcc and ask advice

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 21:10

Broody - you sound reasonable to me. I know that second children are so different to first ones - they do come out with more "knowing" stuff and sometimes you just aren't ready for your younger child to hear all that. I think I'd take a view about whether he generally treats your son nicely, genuinely plays with him or whether on balance it's just not worth it.

I would be annoyed with the parents - If my DCs were going to play round other people's houses, I'd make sure I went round to check it was OK with the parents, and also to check on the safety of my DS.

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 21:11

I'm feeling a bit sorry for the kid, I have to say.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 21:13

Nancy I think if you check back you will see i never said I did
Not like him and that I too felt sorry for him that's why I have taken him in day after day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 21:15

Thanks Jamie I will do that with a clearer head tomorrow. Was just upsetting to see ds so upset.

OP posts:

heksie · 01/05/2011 21:16

Keep calm, sleep on it and if it's any consolation my ds is 7 and all he talks about is bums, bottoms, breaking wind and burping. Every now and then he comes out with an inappropriate comment and I just calmly explain why it's not a good thing to say and why.

herbietea · 01/05/2011 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nancy66 · 01/05/2011 21:17

ok, was your DH that didn't like him.
Your DS will get over it for god's sake...

There really is absolutely no justification for ringing the NSPCC

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 21:19

Heksi if you were this lads parent would you want me to tell you what had happened so you could explain to them it's inappropriate? My worry is if this wee lad does go and say something like that at shook and the parents don't know he is saying it then it could be taken a lot further.

OP posts:

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 21:20

I can relate to being shocked by older children's talk though, it was like this when I sent my lovely innocent 4 year old to school, and she came back talking about 'strangling people' (in a super fun killing game, they also played zombies) and knowing rude words within a few weeks. I seriously thought about taking her out of school.

However, it is totally up to you who you want your child to play with, and a seven year old with an older brother may well play games and say things you consider inappropriate (or worse), so it is a judgement call if you don't want him coming around all the time.

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 21:21

No probs . I myself find it a bit hard to have any child in my house when you don't feel at least 80% positive about them and the situation - and it's harder when you have to disentangle your own feelings from the feelings of your DC, and what they are getting out of it.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 21:23

Nancy I never said I was going to ring anyone I simply asked advice from other parents if they would want to know what their child had said. I never once mentioned i was going to involve any form of child services. I am well aware my son was over it 10 minutes later my concern is that the little boy said something that if it was my son I would want to know about.

OP posts:

echt · 01/05/2011 21:24

If I was the boy's parent, I'd want to know, although they don't sound very promising, do they?

The fact that the OP's child was distressed is sufficient.

Am also at the suggestion that the OP's child overreacted. What, precisely is the correct reaction to such a suggestion from a child 3 years older,and, presumably 3 years bigger than himself?

razzlebathbone · 01/05/2011 21:25

OP you say that 'my child has know for a longtime that his bits are covered up for a reason and that nobody should ever touch him there and likewise he should not be touching anyone else there either. I had a bad experience as a child so it's kind of brought that back'.

Is it possible that you have, for a 'long time', so firmly emphasised your horror and distress about touching bits that the first time he hears a - probably innocent - remark about someone wanting to do such a thing that he has become utterly distraught and terrified? Perhaps your DS has picked up on your own distressing experience more than you think from the way you have talked to him?

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 21:27

X post - the problem here, as I see it, is that the parents have given you no indication that they care where he is or what he's doing. If my child did or said anything while at a friend's house that the parents were upset about, yes, I'd want to know. And if I was worried enough about something (in my case, the bum thing isn't something I'd worry about on it's own) then I'd mention it to my friends.

Maybe the answer is that you need to open up some kind of conversation with the parents in general. Don't know how to do that - maybe someone else will have ideas

Rollergirl1 · 01/05/2011 21:30

I am quite surprised by the people that are saying the OP is over-reacting. As someone else says if it was a 4 yr old girl would you be saying the same things?

I get that toilet humour and bums and willies are funny to kids from a certain age. But I think all things considered it seems a bit odd.

The key things are: the OP's son was obviously upset. I don't think that a 4yr "over-reacts". They just react. And he was upset. And this boy upset him. Why are people so quick to deny him his feelings?

The other thing is the boys parents behaviour. It is pretty strange that they know that their son is spending a great deal of time round the OP's house yet they have not directly spoken to the OP about it and the OP feels awkward talking to them when she sees them.

I think you should definitely sleep on it for a few days and see if he comes back. Don't jump into anything. But I would be quite concerned. Do you know anyone else that knows the family or the boy? Do you know anyone at the school that he goes to?

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 21:33

Razzle that did cross my mind tonight yes.
I don't think I have been overly pushy about it with him just always made it clear that those are his private parts.
Don't get me wrong he is no prude and he sees us naked half the time he just knows nobody should touch him there and he shouldn't anyone else.
Same way he knows not to go with strangers and what to do if he gets lost etc. But yes it did occur to me that perhaps he has picked up on how seriously I mean what I say! That's a separate issue I need to look at. Perhaps he did over-react to what was said but the issue remains I think the wee lad should know by 7 it's not something you say.

OP posts:

Fontsnob · 01/05/2011 21:36

I think what I find unusual is that he said kiss him IN his bum. I don't think telling the OP to ring NSPCC is an over reaction, the OP is asking for advice, NSPCC are more qualified to give it than most of us are.

echt · 01/05/2011 21:37

And while I'm here, there was a suggestion earlier that you speak to the boy about what he said. I would not do this. This is for his parents to do. Obviously, because he ran away you couldn't do it at the time, when it would have been OK.

Should you tell them, and I would, if they get shirty they'll jump on you for questioning the boy.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 21:43

Good point echt I don't want to scare him. Looking back perhaps the reaction he got was enough for him to realise he has upset someone by saying that and he won't again. Just dont like to think he could
Potentially say it to someone else and it being taken further by parents etc if he does not understand why it's wrong. But hey I'm
Not his parent all I can do is bring up my own child
To know right from wrong. I did wonder if there was a book or
Something that explains what i am trying to say that I could read them. Dh is adamant he stops playing here. Bit bloody awkward with
Him being right next door.

OP posts:

razzlebathbone · 01/05/2011 21:51

You've made me think here OP. My daughter is just coming up for 4 and I've never mentioned anything about bums/bits/touching etc to her. Is it something I should have done? Do other people? It's just never occurred to me and now I feel like I've been remiss.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 01/05/2011 22:00

I was just thinking that, razzle. DD is 3 and I've never broached the subject. I'm not sure she'd really understand.

Am slightly concerned that people are accusing the 4yo of overreacting though. If it upset him that much then that's reason to do something, even if its just to keep this other lad away.

worraliberty · 01/05/2011 22:03

I do think it was a bit of an overreaction still.

That's why I wondered if there was anything else that had gone on to make the OP's son so scared/upset?

Really, many 4yr olds would just say "Yuck! I'm telling on you"....that sort of thing.

Rollergirl1 · 01/05/2011 22:06

Razzle: My DD has just turned 5 and I have never talked to her about that kind of stuff either. I really honestly can't imagine having a conversation with her to tell/warn her about "bad people that might want to touch her somewhere". Why would you worry a 4/5 yr old about something like that when in all probability it is unlikely to happen? Having said that I know for a fact that if someone did touch DD somewhere like that, she would find it inherently wrong, without me telling her it was.

HairyBeaver · 01/05/2011 22:24

Maybe the boys mum always tells her DH to "kiss my arse" or someone else I his family and got it confused when telling your son to "kiss your arse"?

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