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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this child to stay away and/or tell his parents why

86 replies

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 19:46

not sure where to put this so decides here for quick response.

Our neighbour's 7 year old son has taken to calling on our 4 year old ds to play. I don't allow him out in the street yet so the kid normally just climbs over the wall and plays away in the garden. I felt he was a little old to be playing with ds but they seemed to play well and ds liked the company. The boy seems a bit of a loaner and I felt sorry for him. I am normally in the garden with them but over last few days have allowed them to play in the playroom. The parents never really speak or come looking for him though I do make him go ask their permission before he comes into our house.

So tonight they were playing away when I heard my ds shout no and start crying. He ran through to us shaking and very upset and the boy ran out the patio doors and jumped over the wall back to his house. Ds has told us the boy asked if he could kiss him in his bum. He knew it was bad and said he shouted at him no and ran to us which all
Fits in to what I heard.

Ds is a very honest little boy and has never came out with anything like that before and was so upset by it. We have asked him in varying ways what was said and his story is consistent every time.

If it was my ds who had said that I would
Want to know so I could help him understand these things are inappropriate but I just don't know if I should approach the parents considering in 7 years they have not as much as smiled at us.
If he comes back should I just say ds was upset last time he was here so we think he should go find kids of his own age to
Play with? Im just worried if he does this to
Another little girl/boy and I knew he had said it
To ds.

What to do?? Excuse the typing am
On my phone

OP posts:

bustersmummy · 01/05/2011 20:27

I wouldn't phone SS BTW to be clear, I would phone the NSPCC and ask their advice on how to handle the situation as I've never ever had anything like this happen with any of my DC's

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 20:29

worraliberty - I was thinking that too.

GeekLove · 01/05/2011 20:29

I'm not sure about telling the parents given what other information the OP has given. I would be tempted to call NSPCC first as there is the danger that if SS do get involved for whatever reason then the OPs family could be outer if they have contacted them first.

wotnochocs · 01/05/2011 20:33

NSPCC/SS FFS!!!!!
Bum and willy obsession is normal! at this age!
Have you read last week's thread about the effect on families when people call in SS without good cause?

Cathpot · 01/05/2011 20:35

Could you talk to the boy about it and see what he has to say for himself, if you are non confronational about it you might be able to gauge if if was just fairly normal obsessed with bums childhood stage or something else going on?

bustersmummy · 01/05/2011 20:35

There's a difference between NSPCC and SS though ?

Or am I

LadyThumb · 01/05/2011 20:37

I would wait and see if the boy comes back again. If he does, I would ask him what he said or what happened and see what he says. My bet is that he won't come back.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 20:43

Ladythumb that's what we have decided to do.
Ds is a sensitive child when he knows something is wrong so i do believe what he has told us. If the boy comes back I am just going to say "ds was very upset when you left so quickly what happened?". Then I am going to say "I think it would be better if you played with your brothers or children your own age". Right or wrong I have to protect my child and I don't want him thinking it's ok to say things like that or
To behave the way the boy often behaves in our
Home.

OP posts:

cath476 · 01/05/2011 20:43

Chandon, trifle and wotnochocs - I thought I was going loopy for a minute there. I would be more bothered that the parents don't seem to care where he is tbh. But, if you are uncomfortable with him in your home, then you have every right to not allow him in.
As a Mum of three boys, I would say that bottom talk is not unusual and this could have been said more like "kiss my butt" (Bart Simpson style)

Kirk1 · 01/05/2011 20:45

yes there's a difference between NSPCC and SS. If you tell SS they MUST by law, investigate. If you tell the NSPCC, you can remain anonymous and so can the other boy and his family. The situation does ring alarm bells with me though, I'd be inclined to ring the NSPCC at the very least.

theghostofposhlymanor · 01/05/2011 20:45

I don't understand why your DS was so upset? I have a nearly 4 year old girl, and if anyone asked her if they could kiss her bum she would laugh and say No! and Yuck! And basically think it was a joke.

My DD plays with the 6 year old from our road, I don't know her parents that well apart from to say hello and make small talk with, but the girls get on like a house on fire so I'm happy for her to come and play with DD.

I think there's a lot of overreaction on this thread too.

Nancy66 · 01/05/2011 20:45

Jesus christ what an over-reaction.

7 year old boys are obsessed with bums, willies, farts and poo....sounds perfectly normal to me.

NSPCC and social services. Get a fucking grip.

cath476 · 01/05/2011 20:45

Broodymomma, if the boy does come back, if it was me I would tell him he couldn't play (if that's what you want to do) but I would also tell him why. I would repeat what he said to ds and explain how it made ds feel and why it is inappropriate and will not be tolerated in your house.

bubblecoral · 01/05/2011 20:46

My boys have a fascination with bums, wee, poo, willies, toilet habits etc, but kissing bums would never come into it. It just wouldn't. The kissing bit is what makes it strange for me. Why would it occur to a child to want to kiss another child's bum? All the children I know that have a bum obsession would think that was disgusting and would react in the same way as if you had just asked them to eat poo. It is not normal for an average 7yo to want to kiss a 4yo's bum.

Nancy66 · 01/05/2011 20:51

bubblecoral - my stepson is 7 and i've listened to endless talk between him and his mates about eating poo, smelling farts, drinking wee etc...

wotnochocs · 01/05/2011 20:52

Has he got a baby sibling by any chance ?

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 20:53

Broodymamma - I've had my dinner now and a little think. I do think that maybe you are overly worrying that this is a sign this boy was trying to abuse your son.

The fact that the boy likes to play with your son, who is younger may just suggest he's maybe a bit socially immature, or that he simply likes your son's toys! He is only 7.

I understand you are worried - this is completely new to you and you've had bad experiences yourself. I don't remember being similarly worried myself at times.

Of course if your son no longer wants to play with this boy, that's fine. It's sounds also, like you are uneasy about more than this incident - can you explain more about that, and also what your DH is concerned about generally about the boy.

wotnochocs · 01/05/2011 20:54

or baby cousins.I'm thinking babies bottoms are so kissable.he might have seen his mum /aunt do it

JamieAgain · 01/05/2011 20:55

bubblecoral - I have to agree with Nancy66. Kissing willies would alarm me more.

Zooo · 01/05/2011 20:55

He ran away because he was scared of your DCs reaction. He possibly has siblings and has seen this sort of thing before (it's the sort of thing we say!).

If you're concerned speak to his family or just supervise the play. See how he is with your DC. I think it's an over reaction to call SS tbh.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 20:56

Don't get me wrong ds is a typical 4 year old who finds bums
Poo and pumps hilarious which is why it makes me so uncomfortable that he was so upset by what the boy had said. As a parent I would want to
Know if my son was asking other children if he could
Kiss in their bum as it is not appropriate talk and
Children have to learn that. Im not saying ss should
Be told I'm asking should the parents? Children at some age have to learn what is appropriate and what is not and at just 4 my child knew another person should not ask to kiss inside his bum. There is a big difference between bum poo and pump jokes that ds finds hilarious than what has been said tonight.

OP posts:

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 20:56

I think putting two 'disgusting' things together (kissing and bums) is exactly the type of thing that seven year olds do say, my two girls would find this hilarious and chant exactly this, with me trying to get them to shut up. Unfortunately, kissing, bums, and girl's bits are all very funny in this house (aged 5 and 7), although they do know that it's not appropriate to say those things out of the house, or to other children (but I wouldn't put it past them). It doesn't sound overly 'knowing' to me, children aren't thinking of the technicalities when they say this stuff, just putting together all the rude words they know.

I would not report anything whatsoever unless I had a lot more to go on than this (and I feel quite sad that if one of my girls did make a poo poo/wee wee/girl's bits remark we could be reported). However, if you feel reserved about the boy anyway, then now might be the time to stop him playing over as he's a bit older.

ItsCHEEKYTime · 01/05/2011 21:04

Last week a thread was posted similar to this except it was 2 little girls.

Everyone was saying go to NSPCC keep your little girl away from her, she could be getting abused at home etc etc....

But only a small majority on this thread is saying call NSPCC one poster even said 'isnt that taking it too far?'
But on the other thread members were shouting at the OP to ring NSPCC or SS!!

IS it because of the difference in sex matters? Cos it shouldnt. He must have heard it from somewhere - hes only 7, cant see him on the internet searching for porn sites can you?

Call NSPCC see what they say - IIRC the last thread the parents were advised to contact local childrens services. Dont know what happened then because it was taken down.......i think.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 01/05/2011 21:04

Sorry crossed posts again. The boy has an older
Brother that's it. He just seems a lonely boy if I'm honest and very destructive. I can't put my finger on what it is perhaps it's that his way of play is obviously different to ds being older an ds has learnt things like "how to kill" people etc!! I just seen it that boys are boys but have never known dh not to take to anyone let alone a child.
I think it's more the parents that put him off and the fact they don't acknowledge I basically mind their child
All day. That's not his fault though and as long as ds was happy so was I. I have never seen ds react like that before though not to that extent and it just worried me. Putting my sensible head on I know nothing awful happened but I do feel he has to be told you can't say things like that and he shouldn't let peole say it to him. Perhaps it's just touched a very raw nerve for me
And I am being over protective of normal boy behaviour but I still don't like it

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 01/05/2011 21:05

i wouldn't say a thing - i think your son over-reacted and, so, you did too - possibly because you had already decided that you didn't like the kid

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