To tell this child to stay away and/or tell his parents why

[Broodymomma]

not sure where to put this so decides here for quick response.

Our neighbour's 7 year old son has taken to calling on our 4 year old ds to play. I don't allow him out in the street yet so the kid normally just climbs over the wall and plays away in the garden. I felt he was a little old to be playing with ds but they seemed to play well and ds liked the company. The boy seems a bit of a loaner and I felt sorry for him. I am normally in the garden with them but over last few days have allowed them to play in the playroom. The parents never really speak or come looking for him though I do make him go ask their permission before he comes into our house.

So tonight they were playing away when I heard my ds shout no and start crying. He ran through to us shaking and very upset and the boy ran out the patio doors and jumped over the wall back to his house. Ds has told us the boy asked if he could kiss him in his bum. He knew it was bad and said he shouted at him no and ran to us which all
Fits in to what I heard.

Ds is a very honest little boy and has never came out with anything like that before and was so upset by it. We have asked him in varying ways what was said and his story is consistent every time.

If it was my ds who had said that I would
Want to know so I could help him understand these things are inappropriate but I just don't know if I should approach the parents considering in 7 years they have not as much as smiled at us.
If he comes back should I just say ds was upset last time he was here so we think he should go find kids of his own age to
Play with? Im just worried if he does this to
Another little girl/boy and I knew he had said it
To ds.

What to do?? Excuse the typing am
On my phone

But some obviously wouldn't. four year olds are nothing if not unpredictable. You can't write it off as nothing simply because your four year old wouldn't do that. I'm not saying that the op should go in guns blazing but she should certainly be aware at least.

We took visitors to see the Mannekin pis in Brussels today. (statue of small boy peeing). My 7 yo dd made loads of comments about drinking his pi-pi and what if he did chocolate pi-pi etc over lunch. I guess that could sound awful taken out of context but was entirely innocent.

HairyBeaver- I think that might well be the most likely explanation.In fact I wonder if it was the OPs child that said it!

your ds is very upset..your dh has been saying for a while he isnt comfortable with this boy coming around..what more is there for you to consider? put your family 1st, you are your son's protector. Dont allow this boy over to play. Tell the parents if you feel you must but given they dont seem friendly or appear to care where their son is playing, I dont think you can guarantee a welcoming reception for your news.

You should absolutly tell the child's parents about the incident. How they receive the information is not within your control but they need to be made aware. I would not let the boy around - period. Your son has expressed that he is uncomfortable - enough said in my book.

Look, you don't need to have the kid over to play if you don't want to. It is your house, you make the decision.

But I think you are perhaps overreacting to the bum thing. The kids of that age that I know like to talk about bums and willies and poo and say all sorts of stupid shit for a reaction.

I am also guilty of saying someone can 'Kiss My Butt' in DS's hearing so it is more than likely something like that.

I don't know if the OP is over-reacting or not. There are two possibilities: either the boy was talking silly bum bum, wee wee stuff (although at 7 I think they start to know when it is and isn't appropriate), or he was suggesting something because he has experienced it. Whatever happened it upset your son and has made you and your DH feel uncomfortable. I don't think I would raise it directly with the parents without knowing more about the family because you know nothing about the boy's life at home and what the consequences could be for him. In your shoes I would find out a little more about the child's parents, I would ring the NSPCC or social services for advice or possibly speak to a trusted teacher and find out what the school would do in these circumstances; I think it would be regarded as a safeguarding issue and possibly be reported. I would then give myself 24-48 hours to think through the options based on a little more knowledge.

To add OP, I wouldn't discuss this unease with neighbours or friends, it will get out and back to the parents and if you are totally wrong you will dig yourself the most enormous hole but it is potentially serious - I think.

I read the beginning of this thread on Sunday, but didn't post.
The only odd reaction on it IMO has been the completely over reaction of the OP's son.
Thinking back to dd (who is now 7) at 4 she would at most have, as others have said, giggled like a loon and run round repeating it.

If you turn this whole scenario on its head, just to play devil's advocate for a second......If it had been your child talking bums, and the other child had run screaming, visibly upset and traumatised...what would you be thinking then?????? Because I know what I'd be thinking.

Cheeky, it is likely that the different reactions are just about who happens to be answering on a particular thread. Ime Mumsnetters divide pretty sharply on a number of issues, so it's pot luck who you get on any particular thread.

I think your later posts make sense, OP; the parents should be told gently that the boy is doing this and upsetting your 4yo. But I wouldn't jump to conclusions about anything underlying: dd had a very similar experience (but involving force), turned out later the other girl had Aspergers and didn't understand about boundaries. Nothing sinister about the way she was parented, and dd got over it fine once we explained the reasons for the other child's strange behaviour.

Sorry bucharest but what exactly are you suggesting in your post?

As it turned out on talking to ds the next day the boy had asked him twice to kiss in his bum. Ds said no then the second time screamed no at him. At that point the boy ran out and ds ran through to us. He was crying because he thought he had upset him and he now didn't have a friend to play with. At the time we only tried to establish what had happened and I did not realise he was crying because the boy had legged it.

As it happens the child has not been back and we have not seen him out in the street or anything. We have decided to
Not tell the parents for the reasons I have said before. Thanks for the advice everyone.