Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my DS see his grandad

99 replies

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:15

This is a bit of a weird one (well at least i think it is)

Its not so much if IABU as i don't have much of a clue what to think at the minute but is my DP being unreasonable for not letting our DS see his grandad (DPs dad) anymore

It all happened today. I went shopping this afternoon and DP was looking after our 11 month old. He took him for a walk and then they went to our local pub and met up with grandad for a little while. No issues with this, its a family friendly village pub and we know nearly everyone that goes there really well.

Well anyway when i got back from shopping DP was livid and was saying how he was never going to let his dad see DS anymore etc etc

DP said he went to go to the loo so he gave DS to grandad while he went, he says when he came back and grandad had DS held up close to his face and he was trying to stick his tongue in DS's mouth. he said he didnt say anything but took DS back quickly and then grandad acted all sheepish and left soon after.

As a bit of history DP brother has previously accused his dad of sexual abuse when he was a kid (DP and his brother are both in their 40s and the accusation was only made about 5 years ago so years after event). DPs brother is abit of a compulsive liar and has other problems so we have never really know what to belive, DP said his dad had never abused him but he wouldn't put it past him to have done something to his bro.

Even prior to this incident I have never let DP's dad look after DS on his own, he has asked several times but we didn't feel comfortable letting him look after DS. DP and his dad didn't have a good relationship when DP was growing up and he used to hit DPs mum (now deceased) and if i am honest i do find him wierd. We have however let him see DS in our supervision and he seems to dote on him.

Now DP is saying that his dad can never see DS again. I said to DP if he was sure it wasn't just a grandad being silly (pulling faces) with a baby and he thinks not.

I just don't know what to think. No harm has been done to DS so i'm almost inclined to give grandad the benefit of the doubt and keep a very close eye on him in the future, he only sees DS in our presence anyway, but DP is adament he will never see him again.

OP posts:
FunnysInTheGarden · 30/04/2011 22:17

YANBU, and if you do allow DG to see him again you should keep a very close eye on them.

topknob · 30/04/2011 22:17

Leave it to your dp...he knows his dad xxx

worraliberty · 30/04/2011 22:18

Sounds a bit odd to me

If it was anything inappropriate I'm sure he wouldn't have done it in public

honeybehappy · 30/04/2011 22:19

I would let your DP decide, he obviously knows his dad better than you do and he must believe something happened to his brother.

AppleyEverAfter · 30/04/2011 22:21

Bloody hell! Did this go on in front of other people? Cos if it did, maybe it was just pulling faces?

IMissSleep · 30/04/2011 22:21

It says alot that your DP is the one saying he doesn't want him seeing him, he must be right. I'd keep him away.

Selks · 30/04/2011 22:22

I think you need to go with your DP's wishes on this one...it's his father after all and he has his own history with him. That he says that he wouldn't be surprised if abuse had taken place in the past speaks volumes.
YANBU

hairylights · 30/04/2011 22:23

He wouldn't put it past his dad to have sexually abused his brother but has left his dc with him unsupervised, and his DB has alleged sexual abuse?

I wouldn't leave any child any where near anyone I thought might abuse them !!!

He caught his dad trying to stick his tongue in his 11 month old ds mouth (im a pub) but didn't say anything?

Your DP sounds really odd and very restrained to me Confused. sounds like an incredibly fucked up family

Original poster
Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:25

thanks for all the comments so far.

For info, it was in a public place but there is two rooms in our village pub and a local and they happened to be the only ones in the back room at the time so altho it was a public place so anyone could have walked in at any time it wasn't 'in public' as such cus there was no one else about

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 22:27

I think if you are unprepared to ever leave them alone together, even for 5 minutes to go to the loo, it's completely unworkable to have a relationship with him and it's also not of any value to DS or DP - only DP's Dad and if DP believes his brother and is now worried about his DS I'd go with it tbh. It's not as though DS is old enough to know he's not seeing his Grandad anymore and it's better to put a stop to it now than when he is old enough.

hairylights · 30/04/2011 22:28

I'd be having very serious words and never letting him
Around any children unsupervised again. Was any legal action taken when your bil made the allegation?

RJRabbit · 30/04/2011 22:28

Trust your DP's gut instincts on this - he grew up with the man.

honeybehappy · 30/04/2011 22:28

but why didnt your DP ask him what the fuck he was doing?

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 22:29

There is a suspicion that this man has sexually abused a child before and your dp believed he may have. No way would I let this man have contact with my dc. Parents dont necessarily have to abuse all the siblings you know.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 22:29

Is he absolutely sure that his dad wasnt just blowing raspberries into the child face?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 22:30

Hairy - he left him for 2 minutes to go to the loo, in a pub - it's not like he asked him to babysit. Clearly it didn't work out very well, but I don't think he deliberately put his son in harms way. I don't think DP sound odd, but he does sound restrained - but maybe it was leave or hit him and as he had his baby with him, leaving really was his best option wasn't it. It's not as though he's brushing it off, he's said his Dad will never see him again.

worraliberty · 30/04/2011 22:32

That's what I was thinking squeaky

bristolcities · 30/04/2011 22:32

It's really telling that you DP thinks his dad is capable of child abuse, no one says that about there parent with out good cause. Most of us would be disgusted if someone suggested it about our parents. I don't think it's fucked up that your DP didn't say anything, it's quite often only until after an event we can rationalise it and work out just how weird it was. I'm not sure I would right FIL off because of the tongue incident but would be more inclined to do so because of the feelings from your DP and the previous accusations.

Having said that it's really hard to know how much what you BIL has said has clouded the way your DP interpreted the situation.

Southcoastsarah · 30/04/2011 22:36

i would imagine its most likely a misunderstanding along the line

Original poster
Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:37

thanks chipping for those comments, when i came back DP really was mad was was going to go round and kill his dad but he calmed down then became really upset that he felt he hadn't protected DS from harm and then upset 'that why couldn't he come from a normal family'. Its heartbreaking for him really, he's a brilliant dad

as further info, DPs dad is old, well he's in his 70s but he's old for his age, not like 70 year olds are these says, and he doesn't really have anyone else nearby (we live in the same village) so i do kind of worry that we'll cut him off and then one day hear he's been lying dead in his house undiscovered for x number of weeks

OP posts:
hairylights · 30/04/2011 22:39

Sorry chipping but I speak as I find. Personally if I knew someone who had allegedly abused my sibling, and "wouldn't put it past him" I would not let any child alone with them . Not for one second.

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 22:40

I dont get it. Your dp's brother says he was abused. So what that he didnt say anything till years later? THis and the fact your dp wasnt abused has no bearing on whether the abuse took place or not. No wonder your dp's brother is screwed up.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 22:43

If the brother is known to be a compulsive liar with "other problems" then its very fair to say there is a good chance that it isnt true though.

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 22:45

Or maybe his problems are caused by being abused. OP's dp clearly has his suspicions or would have been happy to have his father babysat and would never have suspected anything underhand occuring in this case.

Original poster
Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:48

rainbowinthesky> the thing is cus he didn't say anything till years later there is no proof its just his word against his dads and cus loads of other stuff had gone it could be said it was him trying to get back at his dad.

The issue is we don't know if he's screwed up cus he was abused or if he's screwed up anyway and saying these things cus he's abused.

Anyway like i said above they are abit of a fucked up family but DP is a brilliant father so maybe we should just concentrate on our own little family??

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread