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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DS see his grandad

99 replies

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:15

This is a bit of a weird one (well at least i think it is)

Its not so much if IABU as i don't have much of a clue what to think at the minute but is my DP being unreasonable for not letting our DS see his grandad (DPs dad) anymore

It all happened today. I went shopping this afternoon and DP was looking after our 11 month old. He took him for a walk and then they went to our local pub and met up with grandad for a little while. No issues with this, its a family friendly village pub and we know nearly everyone that goes there really well.

Well anyway when i got back from shopping DP was livid and was saying how he was never going to let his dad see DS anymore etc etc

DP said he went to go to the loo so he gave DS to grandad while he went, he says when he came back and grandad had DS held up close to his face and he was trying to stick his tongue in DS's mouth. he said he didnt say anything but took DS back quickly and then grandad acted all sheepish and left soon after.

As a bit of history DP brother has previously accused his dad of sexual abuse when he was a kid (DP and his brother are both in their 40s and the accusation was only made about 5 years ago so years after event). DPs brother is abit of a compulsive liar and has other problems so we have never really know what to belive, DP said his dad had never abused him but he wouldn't put it past him to have done something to his bro.

Even prior to this incident I have never let DP's dad look after DS on his own, he has asked several times but we didn't feel comfortable letting him look after DS. DP and his dad didn't have a good relationship when DP was growing up and he used to hit DPs mum (now deceased) and if i am honest i do find him wierd. We have however let him see DS in our supervision and he seems to dote on him.

Now DP is saying that his dad can never see DS again. I said to DP if he was sure it wasn't just a grandad being silly (pulling faces) with a baby and he thinks not.

I just don't know what to think. No harm has been done to DS so i'm almost inclined to give grandad the benefit of the doubt and keep a very close eye on him in the future, he only sees DS in our presence anyway, but DP is adament he will never see him again.

OP posts:

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:36

For sure Morph2.It just makes my blood boil,that these people get away with it...and what can you loose.Good luck xxxx

Original poster

Morph2 · 01/05/2011 00:37

thanks for comments hairy lights, the thing is with this situation i can actually see myself advising myself which is why it gets so annoying it should be so obvious but in real life it ain't ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:37

sorry for spelling,need to sleep !

hairylights · 01/05/2011 00:37

He's abused both sons and now been found trying to put his tongue in his grandsons mouth, during a fleeting two minute opportunity in a pub. That makes him a clear and present danger to children.

hairylights · 01/05/2011 00:38

Good luck morph.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:38

Wind up/troll - what's the difference?

Why should I back off?

Hairy, I don't know what your background is (re abuse) and I'm sorry if this thread has hit a nerve. As far as I can remember we usually rub along OK on here, I have nothing against you whatsoever, I just think it's shit when someone posts on here with something they are worried about and because it's frustrating or whatever to someone they call windup/troll.

hairylights · 01/05/2011 00:41

Not hit a nerve at all. Bit of a naff comment that.

And accusing me of calling someone else a troll when I haven't is why I'd like you to back off, please.

Original poster

Morph2 · 01/05/2011 00:41

sorry if ppl thk its i wind up, honestly not. i just wanted opinions just its a touchy subject and it can't talk to my RL ppl about it

OP posts:

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:42

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs I know it cant hurt them,but hardly a nice thought is it? He has done wrong in the past and poss still trying to now with the little boy.He needs to be punished.

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:45

Child abuse needs to stop.Full stop.

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:47

Morph2 Forget the wind up troll thing.Its not important.Just be strong and try to get help for your dp and his bro. xxxx

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:48

Hairy for god sake. It was YOU who said that we didn't know what your background was re abuse I was merely acknowledging your point. Secondly you though it could be a wind up wind up = troll.

NotSo - it would be great if he could be locked up, away from all kids. But it's not going to happen is it. The have one man who says he was abused by his father but can't prove it (has a history with his father and is unreliable etc) and one man who says his father would have an errection when he play wrestled with him and he thinks he saw his dad trying to put his tongue into the babies mouth. It's not going to get him locked up :(

Frankly, I'm not sure I'd be stopping DP going around there and filling him in as he wants to!

Original poster

Morph2 · 01/05/2011 00:51

thanks all, from your postings i am at least not reasoning that we are in the wrong so can give us a few months months and then we sort out that sad loser, he will never ever hurt my baby boy

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:53

Morph - why do you need a few more months

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:56

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs - I know but to do nothing seems wrong too.I feel so strongly about ca. If a child can not trust their parents,what chance have they got?Really sad.

Original poster

Morph2 · 01/05/2011 01:05

thanks for everyones comments. I am thinking i woul like to make a complaint to police. Will see how it all pans out. Hopefully i have nothing to lose by making a complaint

OP posts:

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 01:09

You are doing the right thing.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 01:13

So how what pans out though? Nothing will 'pan out' unless your or DP take some action.

You can't make a complaint to the police, it would need to be your DP.

DP will lose his father (I would imagine) if he makes a complaint (frankly I wouldn't see it as a loss but he might), this really does need to come from him.

GnomeDePlume · 01/05/2011 01:25

Morph2 your DS does come from a normal family because you and your DP are normal.

So far as your DP's father is concerned dont apologise or explain. Trust your DP's judgement he wont have reached it lightly. Possibly he has has suspicions for years.

pineapple70 · 01/05/2011 08:08

Morph, you said: "DP has told me in the past (even before his brother alleged sexual abuse) that his dad used to like to wrestle with them as kids and he hated it becuase when they were wrestling he could feel his dads erection (sick i know). "

This, as someone else pointed out, is abuse - he (DP) may not want to accept himself as the victim of child abuse, but he is.

Try not to measure expectations for contact with DP's family by your, probably very different expectations of what family should be (IYSWIM).

If your FIL took the opportunity to try something in the extremely short time available, it is not safe for DC to have contact with him. People with these tendencies do not all act on them. Those who are prepared to act on them as soon as any opportunity presents itself, as this man obviously is, are amoral, manipulative and extremely dangerous.

Many children do not see their relatives for a host of very good reasons. Your DC will not have suffered as a result of what you have described, but you can't risk anything else happening ever again.

Let him die sad and lonely - or you could all go to the police - DP and BIL. They (police) may well already know of him. They may search his house - who knows what might happen.

HappyCamelThrowsConfetti · 01/05/2011 08:51

I have worries along these lines with my dad. History of abuse etc. We decided there would always be two of us so no danger of DC being unsupervised with him.

diddl · 01/05/2011 10:07

TBH, I don´t really understand why you see this man at all, let alone get into a position where he is left alone with your son.

What happened with your husband I would have thought was enough reason to be extremely wary, if not to stop contact, and that´s apart from anything that may have happened to his brother.

diddl · 01/05/2011 10:09

I also think that your husband´s reaction to what he saw is telling.

If my Dad had my baby boy up to his face, my thought wouldn´t be that he was trying to stick his tongue down his throat-unless that is what I actually saw iyswim.

Bottleofbeer · 01/05/2011 11:16

You've not let him babysit before, that's your gut instinct telling you something. Taken with everything else - listen to it. I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation.

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