Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my DS see his grandad

99 replies

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:15

This is a bit of a weird one (well at least i think it is)

Its not so much if IABU as i don't have much of a clue what to think at the minute but is my DP being unreasonable for not letting our DS see his grandad (DPs dad) anymore

It all happened today. I went shopping this afternoon and DP was looking after our 11 month old. He took him for a walk and then they went to our local pub and met up with grandad for a little while. No issues with this, its a family friendly village pub and we know nearly everyone that goes there really well.

Well anyway when i got back from shopping DP was livid and was saying how he was never going to let his dad see DS anymore etc etc

DP said he went to go to the loo so he gave DS to grandad while he went, he says when he came back and grandad had DS held up close to his face and he was trying to stick his tongue in DS's mouth. he said he didnt say anything but took DS back quickly and then grandad acted all sheepish and left soon after.

As a bit of history DP brother has previously accused his dad of sexual abuse when he was a kid (DP and his brother are both in their 40s and the accusation was only made about 5 years ago so years after event). DPs brother is abit of a compulsive liar and has other problems so we have never really know what to belive, DP said his dad had never abused him but he wouldn't put it past him to have done something to his bro.

Even prior to this incident I have never let DP's dad look after DS on his own, he has asked several times but we didn't feel comfortable letting him look after DS. DP and his dad didn't have a good relationship when DP was growing up and he used to hit DPs mum (now deceased) and if i am honest i do find him wierd. We have however let him see DS in our supervision and he seems to dote on him.

Now DP is saying that his dad can never see DS again. I said to DP if he was sure it wasn't just a grandad being silly (pulling faces) with a baby and he thinks not.

I just don't know what to think. No harm has been done to DS so i'm almost inclined to give grandad the benefit of the doubt and keep a very close eye on him in the future, he only sees DS in our presence anyway, but DP is adament he will never see him again.

OP posts:
hairylights · 30/04/2011 23:57

I feel a bit exasperated now morph

What is more important to you?

Eliminating the risk of him sexually abusing your son?

Or allowing him to see your DS and quite possibly sexually abuse him, just so that a vile sexual abuser of children isn't lonely?

Bit of a no brained really.

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:00

Am starting to wonder if this is a wind up.
If I thought for 1 min he had touched my dc,then the only thing I would be worried about is going to prison for putting a knife through his heart,and I am not joking.WTF are you worried about what to say to him? GET THE FACTS FRIM DP AND BIL AND REPORT HIM.

hairylights · 01/05/2011 00:02

Yes instated to wonder if it was a wind up :( sick if it is and sick if it's not.

rainbowinthesky · 01/05/2011 00:03

The trouble is OP you are posting late at night about a terribly emotive subject that has affected lots of mumsnetters in real life and you're typing your musings about how difficult it is as he's such a nice guy and you dont want to be mean when anyone affected by such issues just wants to scream at the computer.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:03

NotSoHot - simply to stop Morph from worrying if there is a man laying dead in a house. No need for the FFS.

What do you say... 'I have never felt comfortable leaving DS in your care. I know too much about DP & Uncles's childhood to trust you. The episode in the pub confirms I was right. DP does not want you near his son & neither do I. I will get DP to phone you' then get DP to phone him and let him know where he stands (if he will visit or not and if there are any practical things that need sorting). DP has been sweeping this under the carpet for many years - he may need to cope with it by still seeing him, but without DS. I would suggest he gets some counselling too - he needs to get it all out.

Original poster
Morph2 · 01/05/2011 00:04

thanks all you are really just confirming what i am thinking (and confirming i ain't being totally being mean for thinking it!!)

2000% he will never ever be in a position to ever touch my boy. My DP don't want to see him, well he does want to go round and fill him in but i will try and stop that, he ain't worth it.

I know he will never ever get any where near my son but i was thinking from the point of view in the future should i say 'whats grandad' or just hope he dies before he waves to my baby

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 01/05/2011 00:04

But that's the point, why worry about him being dead? I wouldnt.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:06

Bloody hell. Do you both not quite understand the MN rules about reporting a post if you think someone is a troll. If you can't be arsed doing that fine, just don't post... but for fuck sake, there is no need to accuse someone of lying just because it's not a situation you would find yourself in - not everyone finds life so easy/black & white.

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:07

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs Sorry for the ffs! rainbowinthesky said it right,just want to scream at the computer.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:11

Rainbow this is Morphs 'terribly emotive issue' as well. If people can't be helpful/constructive then they should just fuck off tbh.

Morph - as I said in my post before (you might have missed it as we cross posted) you have a good 2 years before your DS asks if he has a grandad - if you bump into him at the local shop, DS will just think he's 'some old man' and if he says anything about being his Grandad it wont mean anything to your DS for a very long time - worry about that if it ever happens.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:13

NotSoHot - it's OK :) I wasn't saying it to be nice to him (I'd hang the old fucker from the rafters with one of his own ties if it were me) but simply to stop Morph from worrying about him laying dead in his house and then if she wasn't worrying about that she might be more confident in cutting the ties totally.

rainbowinthesky · 01/05/2011 00:14

I guess it depends what you mean by helpful and constructive advice. Just because I dont agree with you doesnt mean I should just fuck off. Nice.

Original poster
Morph2 · 01/05/2011 00:15

ahhhhh its hard. i'm honestly not a troll and for you guys reading this the answer is so easy (thats why i ask you're opinion cus u are not involved)

OP posts:
hairylights · 01/05/2011 00:17

Take exception to that, sorry. Am exasperated that any mother would genuinely not see this man for what he is after he has sexually abused his own sons.

rainbowinthesky · 01/05/2011 00:17

Good luck, morph is whatever you decide to do. Smile
Gonna leave this thread now before it becomes something else.

Original poster
Morph2 · 01/05/2011 00:19

thanks all,

hairy lights> you have never been there and hope u never r

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:24

Rainbow - did you call Morph a troll? NO - then I wasn't talking about you was I? I was talking TO you, not ABOUT you. Significant difference.

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:26

I have to say though,if this does turn out to be abuse,I feel you are not coming across as though you are going to report him.I am not qualified or trained to say what the procedure is but surely its worth a try?

I also feel it is unfair if you do not report him,to other people.I dont want some sicko looking at my dc at the pool or park etc.You know who he is,so can protect your family.

Maybe your dp has not opened up to you about his past,and so you dont have much to go off.But from what you have said so far,it dosent look too good.

I really hope you choose to avoid contact with him,but regardless of that,remember the reason you are doing so as I feel you are allowing it to go over your head and just concentrating on contact. The problem could be that he is a peado.In which case,surely you feel a duty to deal with? (report)

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:28

Hairy - exasperated is one thing, but calling someone a troll is quite another. You have no reason to believe Morph is a troll and a cursory check would show you that she posts frequently.

Notsohotanymore · 01/05/2011 00:30

Also agree with hairy.Any loving mother would know what to do.Im also leaving this thread too for same reason as rainbow.

hairylights · 01/05/2011 00:31

You don't actually know that morph.
You have no idea what my experiences of sexual abuse are, personally, for the people around me, or professionally, nor my knowledge of "sudden" adult memories of sexual abuse in childhood.

But let's not have a bun fight.

I do feel for you and I see that your husband has been in denial which I totally understand.

I also know that sexual abusers do not want to be found out and can be very manipulative in doing their best to minimise the damage their behaviour does to their victims, and how their manipulation can include trying to make others feel
Sorry for poor old them.

I do honestly think that it's pretty much a no brainer, hence
my frustration.

Original poster
Morph2 · 01/05/2011 00:32

DP's bro did already try to report him and the thing is becuase there was no actual evidence there is just his word against his dads. suppose we we could report him and its another nail in his coffin!

OP posts:
hairylights · 01/05/2011 00:32

I didn't call anyone a troll. Show me where I said that.

I said I felt so exasperated that I wondered if it was a
Wind up.

Back off.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:33

NotSoHotAnymore - I can see why Morp & her DP would find it very hard to report him at this stage of his life, especially as it happened so many years ago and DB is hardly a reliable witness :(

He is an old man, he's not going to be looking after other peoples children and if the worst he does is look at fully dressed kids out in public, it's really not going to be doing any harm is it? It would be different if he had access to other children.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 01/05/2011 00:34

IF he does have any access to other children then of course I would expect Morph & her DP to report him and do whatever they can to protect any children - I had kind of assumed that went without saying!