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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DS see his grandad

99 replies

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:15

This is a bit of a weird one (well at least i think it is)

Its not so much if IABU as i don't have much of a clue what to think at the minute but is my DP being unreasonable for not letting our DS see his grandad (DPs dad) anymore

It all happened today. I went shopping this afternoon and DP was looking after our 11 month old. He took him for a walk and then they went to our local pub and met up with grandad for a little while. No issues with this, its a family friendly village pub and we know nearly everyone that goes there really well.

Well anyway when i got back from shopping DP was livid and was saying how he was never going to let his dad see DS anymore etc etc

DP said he went to go to the loo so he gave DS to grandad while he went, he says when he came back and grandad had DS held up close to his face and he was trying to stick his tongue in DS's mouth. he said he didnt say anything but took DS back quickly and then grandad acted all sheepish and left soon after.

As a bit of history DP brother has previously accused his dad of sexual abuse when he was a kid (DP and his brother are both in their 40s and the accusation was only made about 5 years ago so years after event). DPs brother is abit of a compulsive liar and has other problems so we have never really know what to belive, DP said his dad had never abused him but he wouldn't put it past him to have done something to his bro.

Even prior to this incident I have never let DP's dad look after DS on his own, he has asked several times but we didn't feel comfortable letting him look after DS. DP and his dad didn't have a good relationship when DP was growing up and he used to hit DPs mum (now deceased) and if i am honest i do find him wierd. We have however let him see DS in our supervision and he seems to dote on him.

Now DP is saying that his dad can never see DS again. I said to DP if he was sure it wasn't just a grandad being silly (pulling faces) with a baby and he thinks not.

I just don't know what to think. No harm has been done to DS so i'm almost inclined to give grandad the benefit of the doubt and keep a very close eye on him in the future, he only sees DS in our presence anyway, but DP is adament he will never see him again.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 22:51

I would say just dont leave the baby with his grandad unsupervised at any time. Dont stop him from seeing the child, as you have no proof that any abuse has ever taken place.

hairylights · 30/04/2011 22:52

The very experienced social worker that did my child protection training stated that people alleging sexual abuse should always be believed as it's extremely rarely made up. The damage can be immense ...
could your bils issues actually be as a result if childhood abuse?

takethisonehereforastart · 30/04/2011 22:53

I'd let your DH trust his instincts.

Most people wouldn't consider that a parent was capable of abuse unless they had a good reason to think it. If your DH "wouldn't put it past him" then he must have a reason why he feels that way that goes deeper than believing a brother who lies a lot.

But if the brother is a compulsive liar with "other problems" it wouldn't be entirely surprising if those problems arose because of abuse would it?

And lots of abuse victims don't speak out until years afterwards for various reasons and it shouldn't be taken as a sign that they are lying.

Abusers are clever and some of them take their chances where they find them.

Your duty is to protect your son and if he has given you or your DH a moment of doubt then you need to be very, very certain that you can trust him before you let him near your son, even with you or your DH in the room with him.

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 22:55

It's not uncommon at all for abuse not to come out until years later. WHat proof is there ever? It's always one persons word against another.
THere must be a good reason why the dp believes it could have happened and why the grandfather has never been allowed to babysit.
If I had been wrongly accused and wasnt allowed to babysit my granddc and then this happened I would be making a huge fuss.

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 22:56

I agree hairlylights - very rare for this to be made up. The grandfather may well have been very manipulative all these years to ensure the brother would never be believed.

Original poster

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 22:59

hairylights> unfortunately that something that only two people will ever know as both say the other is a liar but we just have to concentrate on our boy as if there's even a chance something would happen to him i wouldn't chance it.

OP posts:

hairylights · 30/04/2011 23:01

There you have your answer then ie don't let him around your son! Concentrate on your own little family is best.

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 23:02

There must be a reason why you havent let him babysit. He's clearly a bastard and I wouldnt be letting him near my kids.

Notsohotanymore · 30/04/2011 23:03

DP said his dad had never abused him but he wouldn't put it past him to have done something to his bro.

If your dp thinks this then what does he remember to back this statement up? For him to say he is capable of such then you really need to ask him why he thinks this way...it is not a normal thing to say.

Please keep your ds away from him until your dp comes clean about past and if anything does turn out to be true,he needs to be reported.

As a mum,follow your own instincts

Original poster

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 23:14

Notsohotanymore> DP has told me in the past (even before his brother alleged sexual abuse) that his dad used to like to wrestle with them as kids and he hated it becuase when they were wrestling he could feel his dads erection (sick i know).

I would no way let him even see my baby but sometimes i just consider other peoples feelings too much (as in DPs dad) and am thinking well he's old now and would hate to let him die alone and what is he going to do to hurt DS, but then the other side of my head is saying well he deserves to die sad and alone for what he's done to others.

OP posts:

hairylights · 30/04/2011 23:24

morph2 in that case, although he may not realise it, your DP was sexually abused.

If his dad got an erection while wrestling with his boys we can safely assume
he is a sexual sredator and a danger to children. The safety of children is far far more important than him not dying alone.

Notsohotanymore · 30/04/2011 23:25

And thats putting it kindly.Maybe your dp and his brother need councelling.Nothing can be done unless they both speak out about what the truth of their past is.

Op even the nicest people in the world would kill to protect their children.I know I would.If it is true,you need to get the sick perv locked up.

hairylights · 30/04/2011 23:26

Based on this information, your poor bil for not being believed :( no wonder he is screwed up.

Notsohotanymore · 30/04/2011 23:27

And I am so glad you have never left your little one with him.Please ask your dp to get help.

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 23:28

OP, my father will die a sad lonely old man and is currenly late 70s. I havent spoken or seen him in nearly 20 years. He has never seen his grandchildren. I have no sympathy or compassion for him at all. Some people dont deserve it. Abuse accusation aside would you still be seeing him if his wife were alive still and being beaten?

bubblecoral · 30/04/2011 23:36

Your DP had to endure feeling his Father's erection during playtime, and your BIL has accused his own Dad of abuse, and you feel sorry for this man!?

That goes beyond being compassionate, it's just ridiculous ignorance.

You need to support whatever your dp wants to do and keep your child away from this man. He sounds vile.

I know if might be hard for you to believe that your FIL is capable of such things, you know him as an old man, but this stuff does happen. It happens a lot. Perhaps it would help you to do a little research into the subject so you realise just how common this sort of abuse really is, and then you may be better able to fully believe and support your dp.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 23:41

Morph - in your situation I would stop seeing him (I would have stopped the minute my DH said that about the wrestling (or never would have started if he told you before DS came along). Frankly it would make me sick to think of this man seeing/holding/touching my son, knowing he could possibly be getting an erection over it.

I wouldn't hesitate to keep DS away from him now.

Does your DP intend to keep visiting him without DS?

If not I would call one of the companies that does the monitoring of the elderly/vulnerable and get them to go around and see him, they can provide him with a beeper to alert them if he needs help. Give them your contact details for emergencies and leave him to get on with it.

He made choices in his life - you have to make yours.

Original poster

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 23:41

thats for all the comments, they are really all of use in helping me decide what to think, cus i really don't know and want to consider everything that people might think of.

Rainbowinthesky>> i would be happy with what you say (well i wouldn't be happy but i would consider it the best course of action) but we live in the same village. So i'm not sure if its better to totalling cut him off as us say, in which case we could be walking up the shops one say and see him and he starts talking to DS, confusing for DS if he don't know him, or we just see him limited so DS know who he is but don't really have close relationship.

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 23:44

But put aside the abuse, the guy used to his wife and the only reason he isnt doing this now is she's dead. Do you really want your son to be around him at all? I know I wouldnt.

hairylights · 30/04/2011 23:45

Not sure you are getting it morph

This man has sexually abused both his sons and is devious and sneaky.

He is therefore a danger to young boys and should be locked up.

You need to cut all ties and eliminate all contact between him and your son.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 23:47

DS is only 11 months. You have a long time to go before you need to worry about explaining who he is to DS, if ever. DS will simply see him as some old man at the shop. He might go into a carehome/die/move before DS is of an age where an explanation is necessary.

Never lie to DS. If he asks about his Grandparents (a very very long way off) you can just tell him that you don't see his Grandfather because he's not a very nice man, that he was horrible to Daddy and Uncle when they were boys and so you don't visit him. This will get you through a few years and if FIL is ageing as you say he is, it may be all you need.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 23:49

Having read your later posts about the wrestling, then I take back my previous posts that gave him the benefit of the doubt. :(

He does sound like he is some sort of paedophile, and yes, I would keep my child well away from him.

Notsohotanymore · 30/04/2011 23:49

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs Why the hec should the op do anything for this man? He needs locking up not personal care ffs.

Original poster

Morph2 · 30/04/2011 23:51

hand on heart given the choice i really don't want him around my boy, (even before today and that why he's never had him unsupervised) but i'm still not 100% about not letting him see see him but i know i'm gonna get that phone call and what do i say !!!!!!!!!!

I know i'm being a wuss but its just not a nice thing to say to someone sorry you can't see you grandson cus you'd a paedo. DP got upset cus he 'just wanted to come from a normal family' and i guess i want the same for my boy.

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 23:53

You sound a little naive about all this. Really, someone like this deserves nothing, no matter how old, ill or lonely they might be. As I said earlier, he is a bastard that deserves to be alone otherwise you are condoning at teh very least domestic abuse.

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