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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to thunk this is rather inconsiderate

98 replies

Thistledew · 28/04/2011 13:43

DSis, who is in her 50s, sent me a text at about 11am today to say she was on her way over to visit our dad, and could I let him and my mum know.

Not a problem so far, but ...

I don't live with my parents.
She had not made any prior arangement with them.
Dad is elderly, and gets quite stressed at unexpected guests arriving when he has not had time to prepare.
Mum is often away at work so may not have been able to be there to help dad with food etc for guests.
DSis still has not given an eta.
She texted me a few moments ago to ask for directions for a route that I never drive so can't advise her on, but which will be the last hour and a half of the journey.

At what point does this go from being her flighty personality, to actually quite rude?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 28/04/2011 13:45

Why did she not ring your parents herself??

HalfPastWine · 28/04/2011 13:45

Oh I know people like that and it really pisses me off. Why doesn't she just make arrangements with your mum directly instead of going through you. Very rude.

Original poster

Thistledew · 28/04/2011 13:45

think even. Bloody phone

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 28/04/2011 13:48

why didnt she just ring your parents herself, or ask them for directions?

Original poster

Thistledew · 28/04/2011 13:50

I have no idea squeaky. She has their number. The only possible reason is that my mum was a bit sharp with her when she suggested it would be a good idea for her to visit on the day my dad was due to go to hospital for a minor op.

OP posts:

HarrietSchulenberg · 28/04/2011 13:50

Text back and tell her you're in the cinema so can't make the arrangements. Remind her of your parents' phone number, tell her to buy a map from a service station, and tell her to sort it out herself.

worraliberty · 28/04/2011 13:50

Why is she considered a 'guest' if she's family?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 28/04/2011 13:50

She sounds more like 15 than 50 FGS

Send her a text - tell her to pull over and call them herself. Tell her to find a petrol station and buy a map!

chocadoodle · 28/04/2011 13:52

Very inconsiderate. Tell her you're busy and she needs to make her own arrangements. Or just ignore her texts and make out you'd left your phone outside/in car/off/whatever. You're not her PA.

Also, don't worry about your Dad. Your sister is hardly a proper guest and I'm sure she can sort out some food.

HeidiKat · 28/04/2011 13:59

I second the idea of ignoring the texts, if she decided to go for a visit of her own accord then surely she is a big enough girl to sort the details out herself, you are not her messenger girl or satnav.

Original poster

Thistledew · 28/04/2011 14:18

I will help out as much as she asks because it is the best way of ensuring that she arrives at least approximately when she said, my dad will fret as little as possible and he will enjoy her visit as much as possible. She only visits once a year, if that. And lives too far away for dad to visit her - it is painful for him to sit in a car for too long.

In his day (he is in his late 80s), any guest had to be welcomed properly, and treated lavish meals.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 09:22

An update, having spoken to my mum.

DSis arrived at theirs at 3.30pm. She did not bother to call to say when they were arriving or to check it was ok. She also failed to answer her phone when my mum tried to call her.

When DSis and her husband arrived mum was out food shopping. Dad was having a sleep, so they let them selves in and sat on the edge of his bed to wake him up.

They decided to make some tea whilst he got up, so proceeded to make three different pots of tea and used about half a dozen mugs, all of which they left scattered around the kitchen, because they decided they didn't like the types of tea my parents have.

They stayed for dinner. DSis offered to help cook, which my mum accepted. She then said she had to do something and disappeared off until diner had been cooked. She then created a fuss that mum had cooked a vegetarian meal. Fortunately (?) mum found some sausages in the freezer from my last visit so DSis decided to cook those (whilst the lovely veggie meal went cold).

At 9pm they asked my parents if they could find them a b&b to stay in. My parents live in a very rural area where there are few b&bs, and even less likely to be ones with spaces on a bank holiday weekend.

Mum gave up her bed for them and made one up for herself in her sewing room. For some reason she felt really uncomfortable that they were staying so locked her door. In the middle of the night she was woken by someone trying to get in. Next morning DSis husband claimed he had got lost after going to the toilet. It is not a big house. You go left to go into the room they were staying in and right to the sewing room.

They left the next day but at no time did they ask dad about his recent operation, or how he was doing after a fall he had. Their only conversation was to talk about what they had been doing or planned to do or to read aloud (to my atheist parents) from the bible!

AIBU to think that this has ceased to be my DSis being the carefree spirit she likes to see herself as and is actually rude and inconsiderate?

OP posts:

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 09:23

Sorry, epic rant.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 01/05/2011 09:24

YANBU. Your sister is a selfish prat.

Dolcegusto · 01/05/2011 09:28

Yanbu. Your dsis is selfish and rude.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2011 09:31

Your sister is a twat

They raised her though so they could have told her.

At least they won't see he'd again for another year.

DontGoCurly · 01/05/2011 09:39

Carefree spirit?

What the actual fuck, she is a rude selfish asshat and none of you should be enabling her like you are.

fartingfran · 01/05/2011 09:39

Oh YA so NBU, she sounds like a real horror.

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMonster · 01/05/2011 09:44

Why do you think your BIL tried to get into the room that your mum was sleeping in?

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 09:47

I really don't want her to pull a stunt like that again.

It would be great if she wants to visit and makes proper arrangements with my parents in advance, but it is not fair on them just to turn up.

Mum did tell her before they left that she had been inconsiderate and not to do it again, but I don't know whether I should say something as well. I would like to keep out of it as really it is nothing to do with me, but I think the business of her texting me was that she was trying to circumvent reaching an agreement with my mum (not her mum- dad's second marriage- we are really half sisters).

I really don't want her to think she can cut mum out of the arrangements again by deciding to visit when mum is away teaching for a couple of days. Dad would not cope.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 09:50

Who knows why he was trying to get in the room? It is not a house you can get lost in. They have been there several times before and had been around the house for hours in daylight.

OP posts:

ragged · 01/05/2011 09:50

I suspect the BIL just didn't see it as necessary to keep track of which room was which...

I'd be bawling her out if she was my sis. I was raised by wannabe Hippies to think highly of Free Spirits & be critical of uptight stuck in their ways people, but your parents are elderly and not going to change their ways, not her place to try to change them, anyway. What a total lack of respect!!

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 09:57

Most probably there was nothing sinister in his intent, but don't most people take care not to wander into their hosts' bedrooms at night? It is a really odd lack of respect for personal boundaries whichever way you look at it.

OP posts:

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