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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to thunk this is rather inconsiderate

98 replies

Thistledew · 28/04/2011 13:43

DSis, who is in her 50s, sent me a text at about 11am today to say she was on her way over to visit our dad, and could I let him and my mum know.

Not a problem so far, but ...

I don't live with my parents.
She had not made any prior arangement with them.
Dad is elderly, and gets quite stressed at unexpected guests arriving when he has not had time to prepare.
Mum is often away at work so may not have been able to be there to help dad with food etc for guests.
DSis still has not given an eta.
She texted me a few moments ago to ask for directions for a route that I never drive so can't advise her on, but which will be the last hour and a half of the journey.

At what point does this go from being her flighty personality, to actually quite rude?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 10:58

I did tell mum that they were on the way but DSis did not tell me their eta and did not phone mum to tell her. It was 11 when she contacted me and 3.30 when they arrived.

Of course mum didn't have to get the sausages out or give up her bed, but she is of the mindset that you try to accommodate your guests as best you can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:00

Diddl- as I said above, DSis is my half sister. My mum is not her mum and married our father when DSis was already in her 20s.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2011 11:01

So they knew she would be visiting, it wasn´t unexpected.

"Didn´t give their eta"

Well, if it´s a 6hr journey & it was known what time they set off, someone could have estimated!

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:10

Personally, if I was making such a long journey, I would have checked in advance with the people I was visiting whether it would be convenient for me to visit and that they didn't have other plans.

DSis was obviously en route when she contacted me, so I do think it was unreasonable of her not to say how far away she was or when they were arriving.

This is why I asked whether IABU. I am prepared to take it on board if other people would really not bother making prior arrangements in these circs.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:12

Mofo- even though my DSis is not her daughter?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/05/2011 11:15

"Diddl- as I said above, DSis is my half sister. My mum is not her mum and married our father when DSis was already in her 20s"

I missed that.

So, neither of you like her & how dare she visit her father without permission/running it all past you two first?

Poor woman.

Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:15

X-post.

No. We have both encouraged her to visit. Dad loves to see her. Just not in a way that causes maximum disruption and upset.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2011 11:16

"We have both encouraged her to visit."

That´s big of you both.

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:18

She didn't need my permission. I don't live there. But I think it would be courteous for her to have checked with my mum and dad that it was ok. They would not have said no unless for very good reason. I would not turn up without giving prior notice, even though it was the house I grew up in.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2011 11:21

If she knows that they are going to be there, I can´t really see the big deal of her just turning up to see her own father tbh.

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/05/2011 11:26

"I really don't want her to think she can cut mum out of the arrangements again by deciding to visit when mum is away teaching for a couple of days. Dad would not cope."

Well, tbh, I think that that might be the best thing to do.

Your father wouldn´t have to "cope" with anything, & your mother wouldn´t have to get stressed & bitch to you.

TiggyD · 01/05/2011 11:27

YANBU.

Not a very nice guest.

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:28

I am really shocked at the attitudes on here!

So many people seem to think that it's fine then to make a long car journey to visit people without checking with them first??? - That elderly people with frail health are up to visitors? That they don't have other visitors? And then be fussy about food and drink, not help out and expect to stay over without this having been arranged beforehand?????

Of course it's good for Thistledew's Dsis to visit her father and stepmum, but in what world do you lot live that she just does this off the top of her head without letting people know her plans properly in advance? - Which would have made the whole visit go much better?

I visit my family, who live at a distance from me. We get on well, but I would not dream of just rolling up like this. Ok, so Thistledew's Mum had a bit of a moan afterwards - well I for one don't blame her.

I can only assume that some people are bringing their own agendas to this.

Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:29

She didn't know they would be there. She didn't ask.

Mofo. I accept she does things differently. There is different and there is downright rude. I thought it crossed the line, but decided to canvass opinions on this thread to see if anyone would give me a good reason why I was wrong.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:30

diddl "Your father wouldn´t have to "cope" with anything,"

Obviously not.
Other than worrying when they would arrive, what would he give them to eat and drink, would they be expecting to stay?????? - They showed no signs of looking after themselves in a reasonable manner.
Hmm

Original poster
Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:31

Thanks CB. Glad I am not being wholly the wicked half-sister.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2011 11:32

But I thought your Dad recently had a fall & an operation?

Why would they be out?

She offered to stay in a B&B, your mum should have said yes to this.

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:34

Thistledew "Dad is elderly, and gets quite stressed at unexpected guests arriving when he has not had time to prepare."

  • BluddyMoFo???? Does this bit not matter then?
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