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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to thunk this is rather inconsiderate

98 replies

Thistledew · 28/04/2011 13:43

DSis, who is in her 50s, sent me a text at about 11am today to say she was on her way over to visit our dad, and could I let him and my mum know.

Not a problem so far, but ...

I don't live with my parents.
She had not made any prior arangement with them.
Dad is elderly, and gets quite stressed at unexpected guests arriving when he has not had time to prepare.
Mum is often away at work so may not have been able to be there to help dad with food etc for guests.
DSis still has not given an eta.
She texted me a few moments ago to ask for directions for a route that I never drive so can't advise her on, but which will be the last hour and a half of the journey.

At what point does this go from being her flighty personality, to actually quite rude?

OP posts:

TheBolter · 01/05/2011 11:34

Thistledew, you are being picked on here, I suspect you may have hit a nerve somewhere along the line!

Your sister sounds barking, overbearing and rude. Your mother had every right to be upset and speak to you about it.

Of course the visit affects you and your mother... a) it is to your mother's house and b) you are being expected to play the go-between.

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:35

Ah but some people have decided that they know better what really happened you see......

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:35

Dad has got to the stage when he finds it difficult to cope with change of routine. If there is something unusual planned he will spend a couple of days checking and re checking what day and time things are planned for. He doesn't have any access to transport apart from my mum driving him so worries about having enough food in the house unless he knows exactly who will be expecting what meals when.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:39

I am related to DSis- we share a father!

I wish it was exaggerated and that I don't have to work out the best way to approach making sure it doesn't happen again. I might repost in relationships later. RL is about to intrude.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:45

So glad that you have decided that, Bluddy, as you know all about it.

diddl · 01/05/2011 11:45

Her father wouldn´t have to cope-I´m sure his daughter would be more than capable of looking after him & her if she stayed for a couple of days.

She could bring all food necessary, & stay elsewhere if need be.

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:46

Sorry, I'm in a snippy mood today!

SueSylvesterforPM · 01/05/2011 11:47

I think you need to comment on how your dad may get distressed, may make her think twice?

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:47

diddl "Her father wouldn´t have to cope-I´m sure his daughter would be more than capable of looking after him & her if she stayed for a couple of days.

She could bring all food necessary, & stay elsewhere if need be."

So why was there no evidence of this on this occasion then? - I'm not saying it's impossible, but it would need to be arranged beforehand, surely? - Especially for accommodation etc, as it sounds like local options for that are limited.

Inertia · 01/05/2011 11:50

Thistledew, I think you're getting some harsh responses here. There is absolutely no reason why your sister could not make arrangements with your parents beforehand about visiting. If they'd been local and just popped round then that's a different issue, no trouble to tell them sorry it's not convenient and rearrange. But turning up unannounced and expecting to be fed, put up and waited on is appallingly rude.

And your mum did tell your sister that she was uncomfortable with her behaviour, so she is not conspiring behind your sisters back.

BluddyMoFo · 01/05/2011 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/05/2011 11:51

I suppose no evidence as step mother was there who would have food in & doesn´t get stressed.

I´m not saying that she wasn´t inconsiderate, but there does seem to be some odd dynamic going on & OPs mother seems to have done things-willingly(?) and then bitched about about it.

I agree if stepsister goes whem OPs mum isn´t there, it might be wise to tell her that catering will be up to her & to bring what she needs.

diddl · 01/05/2011 11:52

"And your mum did tell your sister that she was uncomfortable with her behaviour,"

Good grief, I missed that as well

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 11:54

That is true to a point, but it is the reason that he would get really upset if she turned up unexpectedly when mum was out for the day.

Also, he has an appointment soon at the hospital to have stitches out. It would really upset him if she had turned up whilst he was stuck at the hospital all day. Also not fair on my mum to have to look after guests and care for my dad to that degree.

I would have been really pleased if DSis had spent the visit finding out where things are kept in the house, learning dad's routines, and finding out where the local shops are, all things that would mean that she could genuinely come to look after him. Dad does not generally need care at the moment, apart from his recent fall and operation, but he is going to need this more in the not so didyant future But she obviously was not interested and did not care about making more work for mum

OP posts:

ClenchedBottom · 01/05/2011 11:56

Bluddy - I'm also only going on what it written there, we're obviously just picking up very different bits! (Thanks for therapy though )

diddl - I'm surprised that you think the stepmum wouldn't get stressed in this situation!

I'm still struggling to get my head around how it's ok to just turn up at someone's house in these circs, even if it is your dad. Especially if it's your dad. actually, and he's been ill etc. We're not talking about just popping in for a cup of tea, that would be utterly different.

Kewcumber · 01/05/2011 11:58

I am flummoxed as to anyone thinking that this is reaosnablebeahviour and that you have turned into the wicked step sister by your mum and you discussing it. We discuss each other all teh time in our family and sometimes even have a bitch. And we are a close family.

I can;t think of any situation in which it is acceptable to turn up at even a close relatives house without checking first especially when you are expecing to be fed it seems and haven't either arranged in advance to stay or having sorted out a B&B first. Adding an 84 yr old with a minor op that day into the mix and I think your sister behaved totally rudely and whether your mother or you might have handled it better doesn't take away the fact that it was all precipitated by her behaviour.

However I think you should stay out of it and your mum and dad should deal with it.

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 12:23

I am worried about her doing this again.

I have a half-brother as well (full sibling to DSis) who is very reasonable and sensible. Do you think it would be better for me to speak to him and to ask him to try to get throughout to DSis and persuade her not to do it again? Or should I keep out of it completely.

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 01/05/2011 12:30

Stay out of it they are grown ups let them sort it out themselves.

Next time ignore the texts and as someone earlier said you must have been out, battery was dead etc etc so could not read the messages until the next day. Shame !

diddl · 01/05/2011 12:33

How well do your mum & stepsister get on?

Does your stepsister even feel that should be learning about your Dad´s routines or that she could ask?

From her pov, if everytime she wants to see her dad she has to speak to your mum, it must feel like asking permission.

Does she ever speak directly to him?

Why does she only visit once a year?

Original poster

Thistledew · 01/05/2011 12:40

Relations between mum and DSis are cordial.

DSis does speak directly to dad when she calls, but as he gets confused about dates and events, mum does all that sort of planning.

OP posts:

diddl · 01/05/2011 12:46

So, although she can chat with her dad, anything else has to go through your mum.

Which must be a strain for both by the sounds of things-and probably why she decided to just turn up.

And phoned you because she knew that you would tell them.

I don´t think her turning up unexpectedly is that odd if she was prepared for them not to be there, & didn´t expect to be fed (perhaps other than a snack) & stay over if they were.

Original poster

Thistledew · 25/05/2011 18:53

An update.

DSis has sent me an email. I can't really work out her intention as it is just her telling me how horrible my mother was and how she (mum) has obviously twisted and misunderstood everything that DSis said and did. DSis hopes that she (mum) will "get over it".

Part of me wants to defend my mum and say that she had reason to be upset and angry with DSis, but the sensible part is wondering if DSis is spoiling for a fight with me too, and that for the sake of family relations I have to bite my tongue and not engage.

Any advice?

OP posts:

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