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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need URGENT advice !!

81 replies

NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 01:51

Is anybody around at the moment, really need someone to help me decided how to act on a really urgent situation.

Have name changed for privacy reasons to those involved.

Have a close friend with SERIOUS PND depression at the moment and have been trying to help / support her over the last few weeks. She often days that she hates her DS because she wanted a girl, thinks he is ugly because he has a birthmark, hates his red hair because he looks like his dad etc.

Things have got worse and worse and most days when I go round the baby is alone upstairs and crying. She isn't feeding him regularly or changing him and as a result he has terrible nappy rash at the minute. She says she can't bear to hold him.

I am helping out as much as I can and go to see her at least 3-4 times a day to make sure baby is sorted, he also has been coming to sleep at mine once a week (will be increasing to 2 nights) as she has started drinking pretty heavilly at night and dosn't always wake up for the baby's night feeds.

Anyway am currently chatting to her on MSN and she has just admitted to me that a) she got really angry the other day and smacked the baby (15 weeks old) and b) she has seriously thought about killing him and herself !!

I don't think she will honestly do something like that but like I said it's really bad at the moment and I don't want to dis-regard what seems like a plea for help.

Am talking to her now still, what the hell do I do / say!!

I feel awful but wondering if I should get SS involved?
She would know it was me and it would destroy our friendship but i'm so worried about her DS.

OP posts:
thumbbunny · 26/04/2011 01:56

YES!! you cannot leave this situation to get worse, phone the SS ASAP, FGS, and they can help her.
They aren't necessarily going to try and remove her DS, they will probably suggest she has parenting classes or needs 24/7 supervision with her baby (I know someone this happened to) but you need to involve the authorities immediately.

Is is too late for her to come around to yours/you to go over to hers? Just asking because it sounds absolutely desperate and you need to keep her safe until you can get the SS involved.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 26/04/2011 01:57

Have you thought about contacting NSPCC? According to their website you can talk things through anonymously and they may be able to give you guidance and advice. Their number is 0808 800 5000.

This must be very difficult for you. I hope you manage to find someone to support you. It sounds as though you are doing a great job in trying to support your friend.

MichaelaS · 26/04/2011 01:59

yes yes yes get some help. SS or go to a GP or phone NHS direct or anything.

There are mother and baby units where mothers with severe PND can go with their baby and be supported whilst making sure they are both safe. The default option is NOT to take the baby away.

She might not be happy about it in the next couple of months but will thank you for it when her PND is supported and resolved and she has a healthy son at the end of it. good luck!

Original poster
NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 01:59

I can't go round no, I have my own little one's in bed or I would be there in a shot!

I am keeping her chatting however so hopefully try and calm her abit, make her feel a bit more positive. She will not come to mine, she hasn't left the house since baby was born (not even into the garden)

Do I tell her that I am phoning SS and explain why, they can help her etc?
I don't want to destroy the friendship if I can help it as I really am all she has got.

OP posts:
quiddity · 26/04/2011 02:01

You sound like a wonderful friend but you can't cope with this all by herself.
Does your friend have any family or other support?
And yes, you should call SS. When she's better she will be grateful that you did.

Original poster
NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 02:01

It's time like this that I want to murder her fucking boyfriend who thought it would be a good idea to walk out on her and his newborn son (when he was 4 days old) because being a dad didn't suit him after all.

OP posts:
quiddity · 26/04/2011 02:01

oops--all by yourself.

Original poster
NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 02:05

She has no other family or friends no.

She moved to this town to live with her boyfriend (all her family are 200 miles away) and has only been here for 5 months so knows no-one really. I only know her as was friends with her boyfriend and we became friends.

I really want to help her but don't know what more to do.
She is on anti-depresents but feels they are not working. She has sleeping tablets for insomnia but can't take them as the baby obviously needs night feeds. She has a long history of mental illness.

I have just sent a text to my mum to see if she will sit with my children for a while, friend has just asked if I will have baby overnight - she is pretty drunk from what I can tell and can't cope as he is crying.

If not will have to wake them up and take them with me to pick baby up, I couldn't leave him there when she has asked me to take him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 02:11

Micheal - Do you happen to know if the mother and baby units are still an option with her older child (7 years). This sounds ideal for her and am looking into how to apply for it etc. but they never mention other children when discussing it.

OP posts:
thumbbunny · 26/04/2011 02:12

Do NOT tell her you are phoning SS before you phone them. Once you have spoken to them, it's up to you if you want to warn her that they will be paying a visit - but if you tell her before, and she is really mentally unstable, it might precipitate a crisis of the sort you are trying to avoid.

I hope that you can find a way to go and fetch the baby but if you can bring her back with you as well, I would. She sounds utterly desperate and I wouldn't leave her on her own under those circs - but make sure that she understands that she won't need to tend to the baby, you will help with him, you just want her where you can look after her as well.

I can't even articulate the bad things I want to happen to her "boyfriend".

thumbbunny · 26/04/2011 02:13

God, how is the older child coping??!

HerHighnessTheWestCoastLotus · 26/04/2011 02:14

It's dreadful that you're in this situation where you feel responsible for your friend's baby's safety and well-being, as well as your friend. You're obviously not looking for praise but may I just say how much I admire you for the support you're giving your friend, that's truly above and beyond.

Having said that - she is not coping, and you can't be there 24/7. Please find out who her GP is and go in tomorrow and demand to speak with her/him and lay the situation out. She needs help. Your support is not enough. I am not saying you're not doing enough - I don't know what more you could do beyond the above. I'm saying this situation has gone beyond what a friend can deal with.

If you can't speak with the GP, I'm afraid it's social services. It is not safe for this mum and baby to remain by themselves and unsupervised. I think you know that.

You have my deepest admiration for what you've done so far, no you have to take the next step and get her professional help.

IcedT · 26/04/2011 02:15

Are you still talking to your friend?

HerHighnessTheWestCoastLotus · 26/04/2011 02:15

now is what I meant

verlainechasedrimbauds · 26/04/2011 02:16

NSPCC line is 24 hours, so you should be able to speak to someone there?

GKlimt · 26/04/2011 02:21

This is an EMERGENCY and you need to help your friend NOW.

Please phone 999 right NOW and explain your concerns ie depressed mother threatening to kill her baby.

Original poster
NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 02:23

Yes still talking to her.

There is no way she will come with me to my house. I have been pleading with her for weeks, offering for her to come and live here for a while until she gets settled, medication kicks in etc.

She sits at home all day staring at the front door in case her boyfriend comes back, she thinks he will walk back in at any moment and all will be ok again and she won't leave the house in case she misses him when he comes.

I have spoken to him also (she dosn't know) and he is NOT coming back, he has a new partner already (havn't told her this obviously)

My mum is on her way over to mine (thank god) and I will go and pick the little one up. I am up most nights so will keep her chatting when I get back anyway and make sure she knows I am here if she wants to pop over but I can't force her to leave the house.

She is such a mess it breaks my heart, she has lost so much weight, and she was slim in the first place!

Bunny - Older child is coping mostly because he isn't there much, his father is wonderful thankfully and has split custody. He spends 3 days with mum and 4 days with dad each week. On the 3 days with mum I spend most if not all day with them as she gets him to feed/change baby and that dosn't feel right to me as he is so young. All in all really he is doing well and the baby that is more of an issue. She is still affectionate with her older child etc.

I really feel like she blames the baby for her partner leaving in some ways.

Anyway mum just turned up so off to pick baby up, will update when I get back!

Thanks everyone !!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 02:25

Siobhan - 999 is a bit extreme don't you think?? She is not THREATENING to kill her baby, she said she had THOUGHT about it. There was no indication as to wether that was last night, last week or right at this minute.

OP posts:
IcedT · 26/04/2011 02:25

Please don't leave your friend by herself.

HerHighnessTheWestCoastLotus · 26/04/2011 02:27

I'm sorry but I don't think Siobhan is wrong. This is a real emergency, for everyone involved :(

IcedT · 26/04/2011 02:28

With the baby safe with you she may harm herself especially as she's been drinking.

QwertyQueen · 26/04/2011 02:33

you really are a wonderful friend but this is a lot to take on...
I also worry what she will do when you are gone, but what would the emergency services do?
Does the ex have no desire to see his child at all?
Does he know what danger the baby is in?
Maybe she should put him up for adoption?

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 26/04/2011 02:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 03:03

Right back now with little one.

ICED - I have no choice but to leave her alone, I am a single mum of 4 children myself and I have just got my 62 year old mother out of bed to sit with them whist I go and collect the baby. She will not come with me, I have tried. I can't be at her house all the time sadly.

The baby is safe with me, emergency services will do nothing as someone else said, this is a medical issue that needs treating.

QWERTY - The boyfriend has no desire to see his son no, he expected being a dad to be easy and after 4 days decided he wasn't cut out for it. He knows that friend is struggling not much more but he couldn't care less and claimed 'the thing might not even be mine for all I know'. There is a big issue with the child being a red-head (to both parents), neither of them are red-heads and I think this has put doubt in the boyfriend's mind. Friend's sister and mother however are BOTH red-heads so dosn't take a genuis to work it out.

I don't think adoption is the way to go Qwerty, with all due respect do you think that any mother who suffers with PND should give their child up for adoption?

Many mothers have PND and many of them have disturbing thoughts such as killing themselves and the child. Most keep it to themselves and the thoughts go away with time. Most mothers also NEVER act of these thoughts. PND is an illness that needs treatment and can get better, once her medication is right she could be a different person within a few weeks.

She is a good mother (or was) and really wanted this baby so I have no doubt that she will recover 100% from this and go on to have a happy live with her baby.

Anyway like I said baby is here now, I am about to go back on msn and chat to friend some more also. We have agreed to go back to the docs in the morning and speak about changing or increasing meds and also I will be calling her health visitor and have agreed we will speak to her together about the problems and see if we can look into the mother and baby units.

Off to put wee man to bed now.

OP posts:
GKlimt · 26/04/2011 03:20

not sure if you are still awake/talking to your friend.

You asked 'Need URGENT advice!!' - and this is still my advice call 999. I imagine that you haven't been in this situation before.

Extreme circumstances require extreme action

SSD won't help your friend tonight. This is a mental health issue.

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