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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need URGENT advice !!

81 replies

NeedAdviceASAP · 26/04/2011 01:51

Is anybody around at the moment, really need someone to help me decided how to act on a really urgent situation.

Have name changed for privacy reasons to those involved.

Have a close friend with SERIOUS PND depression at the moment and have been trying to help / support her over the last few weeks. She often days that she hates her DS because she wanted a girl, thinks he is ugly because he has a birthmark, hates his red hair because he looks like his dad etc.

Things have got worse and worse and most days when I go round the baby is alone upstairs and crying. She isn't feeding him regularly or changing him and as a result he has terrible nappy rash at the minute. She says she can't bear to hold him.

I am helping out as much as I can and go to see her at least 3-4 times a day to make sure baby is sorted, he also has been coming to sleep at mine once a week (will be increasing to 2 nights) as she has started drinking pretty heavilly at night and dosn't always wake up for the baby's night feeds.

Anyway am currently chatting to her on MSN and she has just admitted to me that a) she got really angry the other day and smacked the baby (15 weeks old) and b) she has seriously thought about killing him and herself !!

I don't think she will honestly do something like that but like I said it's really bad at the moment and I don't want to dis-regard what seems like a plea for help.

Am talking to her now still, what the hell do I do / say!!

I feel awful but wondering if I should get SS involved?
She would know it was me and it would destroy our friendship but i'm so worried about her DS.

OP posts:
Piggyleroux · 26/04/2011 07:26

You sound like a lovely friend. Best of luck.

TheMonster · 26/04/2011 07:34

I had serious PND and I can inderstand how your friend is feeling. I wish someone had called SS and got me some help at the time.
As piggy says, you sound like a lovely friend. She will thank you one day for your concern and help.

onceamai · 26/04/2011 07:35

Hopefully her GP will be open in 30 minutes and you can get her straight there with a full explanation. The GP should refer to on duty pshych and to HV, who arrangement appropriate involvement of SS. The psychiatric assesssment should determine what is required very quickly. If you cannot get her seen this morning I would cut straight to the chase and dial 999 and request a psychiatric ambulance. They will assess her for at least 30 - 45 minutes and decide what the next best steps are. This is likely to be the fastest way of getting her referred to a psychiatric mental health unit which sounds as though it is what she needs.

Good luck OP and well done for stepping in but I think you need to escalate this in the next hour, not least because you have your own children who need to be your priority whilst at the same time being able to reassure yourself that you have done everything possible for your firend and to minimise risk to her and the baby (and also the older child if he happens to be around).

Anushka11 · 26/04/2011 07:52

Sorry, too late for night time advice now.
However, if your friend is this bad, she needs appropriate support. Social services is not the right point, I think, if you are willing to take care of baby. She needs a mental health team assessment, and urgently. They can then admit/ refer her to mother and baby unit, by force (section) if required, if there is a serious risk of self harm.

You access them via GP- that is, you will have to report you concerns to her GP and requesst an urgent home visit, as there is serious risk of self harm/ suicide. Up-play it for what you can to make sure the visit happens (I work for NHS- they won't visit young person unless VERY good reason). Or take her, if she will go (quicker)- make double appointment! Be present in either case, so she can't down-play.
Health visitor is also a promissing approach- I would contact both with great urgency, as mental health team is not always the fastest to move, at least in this area.
Midwife may help, but she is really out of the immediate postnatal phase, so may not, or A+E if all else fails.
And contact her family- this is serious enough for someone to drop everything and come to stay, work or not!!

The older child will not be allowed in M+B unit, I think, but it seems his father would step up, anyway. You would not want an older child there anyway, trust me- psychiatric wards, incl M+B units, are not pleasant places to be for children.

Anushka11 · 26/04/2011 07:55

Xpost with onceamai!

Longtalljosie · 26/04/2011 08:08

Morning ASAP - how awful.

If it were me I would

a) Frogmarch her to the doctors and insist on going in with her, and insist on her telling the doctor the unvarnished truth. This may result in the doctor calling social services but the advantage of that would be it would be the doctor, rather than you, in the firing line. I say that not to be a wuss but because your friendship is important to her and she needs you. That way, hopefully, she'll get SS support and still have you as a friend.

b) Call her mother myself. 200 miles is nothing - if it was my DD I'd fly around the world if she was going through all that, in a heartbeat. Hopefully her nown mother will feel the same.

Longtalljosie · 26/04/2011 08:09

nown = own. Really should preview Blush

IMissSleep · 26/04/2011 08:10

How sad :(

Poor little baby, and I feel for your friend. She needs urgent help, you can not be with her 24/7 - who knows what will happen.

You really need to act fast with this, call SS, her GP. Tell SS everything, about her state of mind, the smacking :( and the fact she's drinking. You're being a fantastic friend, good on you. I hope little man is ok, breaks my heart to read this. Please act quickly, this little boy deserves more. And she needs help.

Brew
IMissSleep · 26/04/2011 08:12

Also contact her HV. And yes call her mum. She needs support and professional help. What a sad situation. Please let us know what you are going to do

cjel · 26/04/2011 08:22

I wish you all the best. you are doing fantastic, well donexxx

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 08:25

Chipping- they would look to place the baby within the family, so i would say to the OP to contact the family so that they are alerted and on their way. Once you have gone to see the GP he will alert SS, they have to do this were there are any CP concerns. Because the baby isn't in immediate danger due to the OP being involved i would say that it is reasonable to wait for the family to be filled in on what is occuring. A MH crisis team should be contacted (this does not always happen) by the GP. You cannot keep SS out of it because someone; GP, HV etc will contact them.

This situation cannot be ignored, it does not sound as though she will not recover on her own and the baby is already being neglected. The other childs dad needs to be informed, SS will question him as part of their investigation. The more prepared everyone is the smoother this will go.

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 08:30

Just to say if you overplay the suicide risk she will be sectioned. I would speak to her family. The ideal solution, at first would be for her to receive treatment at home whilst someone stays with her. Only if she refuses this then she may need to be sectioned.

thumbbunny · 26/04/2011 08:32

I doubt the SS would move to remove the baby at this stage. It depends on the individual circumstances of course, but the person I know that was sent for parenting classes and needed 24/7 supervision was under SS because the friends she was staying with called them, when one of them found the baby lying on her back in the bath, with just her nose above water, and the mum was downstairs. The baby could easily have died at that point, hence the friends calling SS - but they still didn't remove the baby from its mother. The mother also had alcohol issues but I don't know about PND, don't think so. She was just irresponsible (hence the parenting classes).

IMissSleep · 26/04/2011 08:33

If she won't leave the house, maybe call her GP and get them to come out? Not sure how it all works tbh but if you stress to them your concerns surely they won't ignore it?

thumbbunny · 26/04/2011 08:34

Agree though that her family should definitely be contacted and told the situation.

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 08:34

Sorry for the typos, leaving for work soon.

JiminyCricket · 26/04/2011 08:36

GP can make an urgent referral to mental health services - there are mother and baby units if necessary - this is really serious and you should alert services yourself, they will not over-react, but they will make sure baby and mum are safe while she gets through this - PND is very common and they understand -please make whoever you contact aware of the suicide/threat risk. I would ring her GP/her HV/local mental health team for immediate advice.

GypsyMoth · 26/04/2011 08:38

perhaps the older childs dad can take him/her for longer? how far away does he live if she's moved 200 miles near you? shared care over 200 must be difficult!

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 08:40

The crisis team will come out and visit her at home, the GP may come out. From an SS and MH point of view both she and the child are at risk, they will seek to minimise risk. How things will pan out depends on your friend, so you have little control over that. The fact that you have 4 children would not block you from having the baby, it depends on what your friend says. She may react in a way that you would not expect. SS will be happy for a relative to be there in the childrens home to minimise disrupton.

OP do your best to get a family member there. Speak to all close members of the family, the SS will involve them in their investigation anyway.

Xenia · 26/04/2011 09:18

Is there any way you could tell her family not the authorities? if my daugher had this issue I woudl want the baby here not in local council care with SS crawling all over the family and we could easily take care of it. Could you not call her mother or sister?

sb6699 · 26/04/2011 09:26

Just wanted to say I have walked in your shoes recently and everything turned out fine.

DH's friend and his partner had a baby at Christmas and the mother would take nothing to do with him and had threatened to harm both herself and the baby.

Her DP eventually called the emergency GP and she had a crisis team sent to her and was hospitalised with post-partum psychosis.

SS were called, I think by the hospital, and when she was discharged they were quite happy with the knowledge that her DP was around during the day and the baby spent nights with me (her DP worked night shift). I would say that they insisted she had someone with her 24/7 when the baby was there.

Her meds kicked in really quickly and she is doing well now.

Hope this helps and your friend gets the help she needs.

Btw, my dd is a redhead but neither me or DH are!

welshbyrd · 26/04/2011 09:27

Gosh! what a terrible situation OP

I think all the right advice has been given

Just wanted to add what a fantastic friend you are OP, the babys mum is a very lucky lady having you there for her

I really hope things starting moving more positively today, and your concerns for both mum and baby are addressed, so both start getting the help they need

I also would like to kick the father is the bollocks too

Please keep us posted, whenever you have time, im worried, and feel terribly sad for them both, would like to know they are both safe

welshbyrd · 26/04/2011 09:29

Again I also think her family need to be aware of the situation

Jemma1111 · 26/04/2011 09:30

Good luck Op, you really are a true friend and you are doing the right thing to step in. As others have said your friend will be grateful and thankful of your help one day.

knittedbreast · 26/04/2011 09:43

you sound like an amazing friend. You are already taking her to the doctors and staying with her to explain the situation. I would see how things go with uped/changed meds and daily visits from the hv before you start thinking about ss.

many mothers have awful thoughts, it dousnt mean they are going to do anything you dont want to start going the way of the thought police!

just make it clear how you can help as you have your own family too and requet daily mh/hv visits for your friend. id only consider ss as a very last resort and it dousnt seem like you are there yet.

good luck :)

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