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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am worried what's going to happen to MIL

87 replies

Ishani · 25/04/2011 21:58

She divorced her 2nd husband as DH and I moved house about 8 years ago and as she could chose to live anywhere really she followed us. Not on our doorstep but near by.
She bought what she could in a good area but with limited funds and as house prices haven't increased at all in the 8 years (it's quite a unique property) now we are looking to move she is wanting to follow and basically looking to DH to solve her accommodation problems for her.
So far it's been suggested she moves in with us Hmm
DH takes out an additional mortgage to increase her buying power
We build her something as a granny flat type arrangement

My suggestion that she sells up and rent from her not unsubstantial pension was met with she cannot afford it and yet any other single person would be expected to manage on £1000 a month without any government top ups, so I don't understand why it's out of the question for her.

AIBU to think basically she's not our dependent and since nobody has asked her to relocate with us if she cannot afford to move then she shouldn't ?

OP posts:
parakeet · 25/04/2011 22:03

Why can't she just buy a similarly priced property to her current one in the new area?

"It's been suggested" - by her or your husband?

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:05

Because basically there aren't any in her very limited price range.
It's been suggested by her DH is keeping out of it [rolls eyes]
We get verging on hysterical phone calls every few days with new "solutions" of all which the jist is that her housing is our problem as we want to move.

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 25/04/2011 22:06

YANBU to not want her to be dependant on you, and it sounds like she is dependant on you.

What does your dh think? How old is she?

I think I would have to say no to any sort of financial help and no to her living with you, even in a Granny annexe.

After that, it's up to her what she does and where she lives.

Northernlurker · 25/04/2011 22:07

Why must she follow you? How far away do you want to move?

MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2011 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:10

She's 70 but an old 70, nothing physically wrong with her but a hypochondriac.
She visits now and again but you'd hardly say she was here all the time.
DH is the only child so I suppose she wants to be near him but I cannot see how it's going to be possible.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:12

She's in an assisted living place now, (hence why it's not increased in value those places don't keep up with the housing market typically), which I think is absolutely the best place for her, she could live another 30 years and complete independence isn't ideal in your dotage is it.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/04/2011 22:13

She's scared and I can understand it.
It doesn't make it your problem, but I thing it would be kind if you could come up with a workable solution.
What will happen if she does become ill in a few years' time?

ignatz · 25/04/2011 22:13

Your husband can't keep out of it, she's his mum! Tell him not to pass the buck to you and to be a grown-up Wink

MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2011 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2011 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:17

She's not coming on an extended visit I nearly throttled her at Christmas.

I know he can't keep out of it, but equally I feel like I have enough on my plate with the children, pets and work I am not prepared to run around after her.
My mother would never do this to us so I can't really get my head around her looking to him to sort of take the place of her husband in being responsible for her housing needs. Especially since she isn't exactly on her uppers.

OP posts:
risingstar · 25/04/2011 22:18

in my experience, if she is already in sheltered accomodation, there will be a whole army of biddys telling her that it is outrageous that she is being abandoned by dh.

how far are you moving?

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:19

400 miles

OP posts:
Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:20

She doesn't like the other old biddy's doesn't see that she is an old biddy Wink

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 22:26

Have you looked at all the options available to her within the new area you are moving to? How much to rent etc., She obviously needs a form of sheltered accomodation.

She cannot live with you as you would not be able to give her the care that she needed, it would be ridiculous to even suggest that she moves in with you.

bubblecoral · 25/04/2011 22:30

When she phones in hysterics about the situation, does she speak to you or dh?

I would pass the phone over if she's talking to you and force dh to deal with it. Or, when you are dealing witth Estate Agents in your new area, get them to send details of the sort of thing she could afford. Then maybe get the brochures of a couple of sheltered housing places in the area and offer to look at them with her when it's convenient. Present them as the only options. Would she be entitled to any state help?

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:31

Half the trouble is FabbyChic, I don't know where I want to live, I'm researching schools and locations etc as we speak.
I suggested she sold her current place and found somewhere for £450 to rent a one bedroomed place which was met with no way I cannot afford it, what she means is she cannot afford it and shop at M&S/go on holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:34

The woman has £25k in cash savings I hope she wouldn't have the cheek to apply for state help.
A right move search suggests basically what she can afford is a garage or a flat above a shop, not practical.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:35

I could force DH to deal with it of course, i'm reading this out to him but I guess he's only going to say what I am saying here which will not go down well.

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 25/04/2011 22:35

Sounds like you just have to spell it out to her that you won't be helping her financially. Try to stop seeing it as your problem. It isn't your problem. Especially if you don't even know where you're going yet.

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 22:36

Does she not need sheltered housing?

parakeet · 25/04/2011 22:36

If you're moving 400 miles away I can understand why she wants to follow you. You're her only family.

I am certainly not, however, trying to guilt-trip you into accepting her unreasonable suggestions. From now on, whenever you get one of these phone-calls, why not reply saying "I think you need to discuss it with [your husband]."

Assuming, of course, he is in total agreement with you about the unacceptability of her suggestions.