Am worried what's going to happen to MIL

[Ishani]

She divorced her 2nd husband as DH and I moved house about 8 years ago and as she could chose to live anywhere really she followed us. Not on our doorstep but near by.
She bought what she could in a good area but with limited funds and as house prices haven't increased at all in the 8 years (it's quite a unique property) now we are looking to move she is wanting to follow and basically looking to DH to solve her accommodation problems for her.
So far it's been suggested she moves in with us
DH takes out an additional mortgage to increase her buying power
We build her something as a granny flat type arrangement

My suggestion that she sells up and rent from her not unsubstantial pension was met with she cannot afford it and yet any other single person would be expected to manage on £1000 a month without any government top ups, so I don't understand why it's out of the question for her.

AIBU to think basically she's not our dependent and since nobody has asked her to relocate with us if she cannot afford to move then she shouldn't ?

Birdsgottafly - Do I remember correctly are you a SW ? Is there not support for those with no family close by ?

It really doesn't matter where we move to within the area we are going to, it's cheaper up north where she is and we're moving somewhere down south the maths isn't going to work. Not and maintain her current standard of living, perfect example a week or so ago she announced she needed to cut back, she wouldn't buy easter eggs for the children, fine, so she buys them sweets they don't like and an outfit each instead of £1 chocolate egg.
I know it's none of my business but how do you work with logic like that, I don't have the inclination to deal with her like a 5th child.
And DH simply will not be able to travel 400 miles to sit in a hospital it just isn't going to happen. She's always ill, in her head if not her body.

She hasn't got friends anywhere zikes unfortunately, 2 marriages failed and no mates at the age of 70, what does that say about a person :(

At some point though her health will genuinely deteriorate, and in all honesty, if he doesn't go running to sit at her bedside and she dies, the guilt will be dreadful.

I do think you have to think ahead to that sort of eventuality.

Everyone has to die zikes, the trouble is she's been dying for 10 years, the boy who cried wolf and all that.

you sound like you've really had enough op.
im sorry you have to put up with this.

I don't want to forward our new address if I'm honest, I wish she'd find some friends, get married again, move to Australia, some hope.

God I dread getting old. Really, really dread it. I know you don't get on with her and you don't like her, but,
"DH simply will not be able to travel 400 miles to sit in a hospital it just isn't going to happen. She's always ill, in her head if not her body."
"Everyone has to die zikes, the trouble is she's been dying for 10 years, the boy who cried wolf and all that."
really? Of course I haven't had to spend time with her and I'm sure she's a nightmare and all that, but I really, really hope I have better relationships with my son's wives should they choose to marry!

I think the other suggestions of moving first then finding her a place that isn't living with you are good ones. And dare I say it, a little compassion, she sounds insecure and terrified that she's going to be left on her own...

As for social work, I know from experience, there is very very little help, especially for those that can just about manage on their own. I met with an old friend who is in SW the other day and she said that the situation now was dire, and that they really have very little in terms of budget to offer anyone anything.

Do you honestly believe that if your MIL is hospitalised, that your DH wont be at her bedside?

Of course he will, he is her only son - shame on him if he isnt.

Your posts are becoming increasingly callous.

You are basically saying that you would rather your MIL was left in the hands of home-helps whom she doesnt know than have her close by and if it was left to you she wouldnt even have a forwarding address.

I know all about difficult MIL's having one myself but I sincerely hope that when my MIL reaches an age where she needs some support, I will have more compassion when considering her needs.

You need to tread carefully here for the sake of your marriage, if something does happen to your MIL and you have made it difficult for her live close by you may find your DH needs someone to blame.

why is getting old a get out clause for being a bloody annoying git!
Why hasn't the MIL got the hint yet?
If she behaved appropriately then i am sure the OP wouldn't feel so annoyed.
It is a 2 way street you know.
If you haven't been a decent person, or can not respect other people have lives and that you don't come first every sodding time then why are you suprised that no one wants you living with them or near them!
IMHO i would be ok with any one of my very demanding relatives moving closer to me in their older years, and have had one stay for a period of 6 months last year. < it was hell>
However i have a life of my own, and not one to pander.
I plan to pop on a one way plane to switzerland before i start to become a drain.

SW have to help out when a person has no family to help - for whatever reason. SW have a duty to care, family don't. That's the reality.

IME what SW can or will do depends on a few things:

• what the person themselves wants / admits they need help with
• the individual SW
• at what stage of the financial year the application for assistance occurs
• what services are available locally (inc. navigating what's available through various private / nonprofit / gov't organisations)
• what the person or their family are willing to pay for

I've been there and SW can assist with befriending type services e.g. getting someone into daytime activities (prioritising / queue jumping if necessary) as well as what you'd consider actual SW-type services e.g. care / respite etc.

To suggest that SW can't or won't help and that it's the family's duty is wrong, and could scare people who don't have family to rely on. It's for each family to decide what they can genuinely offer in the long term and SW to step in when needed, not the other way around.

Ishani - yes your MIL could deteriorate but that's not inevitable, she may be one of those people who are struck down while seemingly well. Who knows, and it's not something you can plan for now with so much uncertainty about new businesses / locations etc.

I can understand your desire to shield your husband from this as much as possible but it sounds like you've done all you can and she'll need to hear the official party line from him. Possibly several times.

I hope things go well for you.

DH won't believe that she is ill unless a Dr calls him to say she has days to live, we've had the I am dying phone calls that many times.

She will have home help types where ever she is I am not wiping her bum.

Thanks owlmaster that is good to know.

"you have made it difficult for her live close by you may find your DH needs someone to blame."

I'm not making anything difficult for her, she is the stubborn one.

I think it's reasonable to for the MIL to want to live near her only son. What isn't reasonable is her refusal to entertain practical solutions to how this can be achieved.

MIL has a pension of £1000 pm and assets of £80k (assume flat sells for £55k net). Let's assume she lives to be 90 (20 years). That's still £4k a year (before interest- we'll assume inflation and interest are equal) she can use to subsidise her £1000 pm, so that now has £1,333 pcm. If she can rent somewhere for £450pm, she still has £900 to live on. That is do-able surely? I know I've lived on less after mortgage as a single person.

If the OP was a millionaire, I'd say "don't be so tight" but she says they're not in a position to assist financially. Why should the OP's children go without holidays so that granny can have them?

sb6699, that was a very unfair and nasty comment.

If the MIL is so desperate to move she will do what she needs to, and that is use her money to find her own house/flat.
But clearly, she is just seeing an opportunity to wedge herself in exactly where she wants nice a tight until her dying days, i am sure she is somewhat upset that her son will be moving away.
But i don't think she is acting at all like the distressed old woman with no resources.
She wants everything on her terms and that is it.
If she really wanted to be near them, she would just get on and do it.

Sorry, what was unfair and nasty?

I have already said that I think the MIL can/should support her own move and completely understand why the OP would not want her to live with them.

Unfortunately the OP is making it perfectly clear that she dislikes her MIL (fair enough), and it seems that she is seeing her purely as a pita rather than her dh's mum and her dc's grandmother.

OP, I apologise if I have offended you - it was not my intention.

for suggesting that the OP is deliberatly not helping and hindering the relationship between her DH and his mother, when it is apparent that he holds a simliar view about her anyway.

If the DH wouldn't go to see his DM in hospital unless an actual doctor phoned him, then that tells me his mother is more than a little bit of a pita.

She does daft things like discharge herself against medical advice and then "collapses" in debenhams, when the ambulance takes her into hospital she stays there until DH arrives and then demands he takes her home, so he did to her house, que cats bum face.
I know what would be the ideal solution for her but what she doesn't seem to realise is if DH and I spilt up it isn't me that leaves the house, I paid for it fgs.

How far away are you moving?

If she can't afford to move then she just has to stay where she is.

Your title is a bit missing leading. I thought you cared about your MIL by saying you're worried about her, however, from reading your threads I don't think you like her at all.

your relationship shouldn't be put under strain because she is being a selfish, unreasonable old woman.
Has she always been this way?
It is weird she is putting her own wants infront of her DS's family needs to stay as a unit.

maybe op is just worried about the possible outcome of having to live with her!
I don't think thats something we can judge op on.

Are there problems between you and DH? It might explain why you are feeling resentful towards her - another problem on top of others that you are dealing with.

Does your DH spend time with her - it sounds like she is desperately seeking attention.

At her age it is difficult to keep up friendships - some will be becoming increasingly immobile, suffering illnesses/dementia and wont be able to socialise.

It sounds like you really need to have discussion with her about her taking responsibility for herself - if you really cant afford to help with housing tell her and explain her ONLY option is to rent and that while you and DH will visit her that you are busy working/raising a family and that you would feel better if she would actively seek to broaden her social circle as you cant spend as much time with her as she would like.

There are lots of things that she could be doing that are not part of her sheltered accommodation if she still feels too "young" to be socialising there.

My 78 yo GM has a better social life than me! She goes to a tea dance during the week, bingo on a friday and pensioners social club on a Saturday night.

I appreciate she is difficult but please try to be kind, she sounds desperate and lonely.

The title is misleading to a point, I am worried about what'll happen to her because I am not having her live with me and she won't do what is necessary to live nearby but independently.
I've had some good advice on here so am not going to go over the same old again and again.
She's always put her needs above even DH's as a child, I won't bore you but she wasn't a good mother or even an adequate one, blames DH for everything that has gone wrong in her life by being born at all, keeps in touch with his ex wife (of over 15 years) who she believes would have been a better DIL, not interested in having children, so right up her street I am sure.

No DH doesn't want to know, I am sure that's why she's seeking attention because it's the same with children isn't it when they are naughty (or ill) they get attention when they are good they probably don't get as much, what can you do I don't want a 5th child I have enough on my plate.

"My 78 yo GM has a better social life than me! She goes to a tea dance during the week, bingo on a friday and pensioners social club on a Saturday night"

She wouldn't entertain anything like that, she's far too intellectual lol

Ishani, if she was mine I'd be tempted to move 4000 miles away, never mind 400.

I agree that she shouldn't move at all until you are finally settled and I think you and DH need to make it very clear that at this stage you are testing areas out and might not settle in the first place that you move to.

I also think you need to talk to your DH about this properly. It's nice that you are trying to reduce the pressure on him, but this is his mother. You need to agree between the two of you what you are prepared to do and accept and then present that to his mum.

She has resources, so I don't think she should be expecting to use yours. Be prepared for her to offer to buy a house with you. In your position I would say a definite no. I think she will drive you mad.

I can understand her wanting to live near her son, but old age does not give someone the right to be manipulative and demand all their own way.

I think it will be better for your DH long term if she is not too far away, because she will need support if her health gets worse. As she gets older that is more likely to happen. But, I don't think it is in your best interests to have her on your doorstep or to be at her beck and call.

Perhaps if you are not there to pander to her every whim, she might make the effort with her neighbours and start forming some friendships.

Good luck OP.