Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am worried what's going to happen to MIL

87 replies

Ishani · 25/04/2011 21:58

She divorced her 2nd husband as DH and I moved house about 8 years ago and as she could chose to live anywhere really she followed us. Not on our doorstep but near by.
She bought what she could in a good area but with limited funds and as house prices haven't increased at all in the 8 years (it's quite a unique property) now we are looking to move she is wanting to follow and basically looking to DH to solve her accommodation problems for her.
So far it's been suggested she moves in with us Hmm
DH takes out an additional mortgage to increase her buying power
We build her something as a granny flat type arrangement

My suggestion that she sells up and rent from her not unsubstantial pension was met with she cannot afford it and yet any other single person would be expected to manage on £1000 a month without any government top ups, so I don't understand why it's out of the question for her.

AIBU to think basically she's not our dependent and since nobody has asked her to relocate with us if she cannot afford to move then she shouldn't ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 22:43

I think she does need sheltered housing personally because of the future and her health isn't going to get better.
Sorry I am drip feeding but basically she hates the assisted living place she's in because of the noise and the other people can be bullies, bossing her around etc. And she doesn't like the £2,000 a year service charge which come with these places, but that seems unavoidable.

But she's got to sell her place, no easy feat by any means, we've actually got to decide where we are going and there would be murder if we said one place and then after 6 months of renting decide we don't like it - hence I don't want the responsibility - I feel if you want to move then move but leave us out of the equation.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 22:44

I think you need to tell her that you won't be buying any where just yet as you are trying places on for size, and it would be better to wait until you are settled before she considers moving specially as she won't rent which is what you appear to be going to do.

chocolatehobnobs · 25/04/2011 23:07

Hi Ishani, annoying as she sounds she is not unreasonable for wanting to follow her only son 400 miles, but you could plan for her to move after you've been settled a year and have a chance to research places for her. The question will be if she sells her current place and gives up M&S / holidays can she afford a sheltered accomodation flat that you would live in aged 70. If the answer is no they're all crap holes then you may be guilt tripped into helping financially in order for DH not to feel guilty for her not living with you.

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 23:16

The problem is she doesn't see why she should give up her holidays/M&S food. We cannot subsidize her or rather I'm not prepared to when she has a perfectly good home which she chose to buy, the irony is we are moving to where she came from in the first place.
I don't mind that she wants to follow us so much as she seems to want us to fund it.

The title should be can I leave MIL to it since I don't want another dependent really, is that awful ?

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 25/04/2011 23:17

I work with older people and am constantly amazed that just as their parents reach the age when they are getting infirm and need help, some people move hundreds of miles away.
Yes she does sound annoying in wanting you to sort this out for her but I can also see that having her son 400 miles away when she's 70 and alone would be something she wouldn't like. and yes, I know we shouldn't look to our kids to look after us but a big part of me thinks come on, she's done her bit, now she just wants to live close to her son.....not so weird.
I think you just need to agree a 'line' with your DH, eg, "there won't be room for you with us but we will help you find something you can afford". Simple as that; she will need to accept her financial limits, as do we all.

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 23:21

I'm not choosing to uproot myself and children and start all over again, this is not ideal for me either.
She didn't do her bit, never has which makes it harder to be understanding if i'm really honest.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 25/04/2011 23:26

Of course you should not be funding her! Tell your dh to sort it and stop giving you sleepless nights over it! She needs to pay for herself

sb6699 · 25/04/2011 23:28

sleepingsowell has hit the nail on the head!

400 miles is a long way to travel just for a visit but she is reaching a fair age so think what would happen if there was an emergency.

I live the same distance from my family (but my parents arent of the same age and I have siblings), but recently there was a medical situation with my father and it was awful being so far away.

Its fine to not want her to live with you - but your DH does have some responsibility for her wellbeing and you need to acknowledge that.

DISCLAIMER: I also think MIL has to acknowledge that the move might mean giving up holidays and M&S food.

sleepingsowell · 25/04/2011 23:29

agree there's no reason you should be funding her - all the more reason to employ the good old 'broken record' technique "we will help you find something you can afford'......you can't magic up somewhere to live if she refuses to pay a reasonable amount or refuses to compromise......

Original poster
Ishani · 25/04/2011 23:35

I would have her live with us if it wasn't for the fact that she doesn't respect privacy and boundary's. We gave her a spare key in case we got locked out for example and she uses it if she wants to come round and i'm at the shops or something, i came home on day and caught her having a sandwich at the breakfast bar, she's lucky I didn't beat her over the head with a french stick thinking she was a burglar.

You know when you have a feeling something isn't going to end well :(

OP posts:
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 25/04/2011 23:50

It sounds like she's having some sort of crisis...she's at a turning point which you quite rightly dont' want to pay for.

The only thing I can suggest is that you remain calm and clear...tell her that you wont be helping her financially and you wont behaving her livewith you but that you will visit regularly.

Icelollycraving · 26/04/2011 02:02

I do feel sorry for her. Her only family want to move 400 miles away although she moved to be near them?? That is how she sees it IMO. I don't have any big ideas but perhaps a little empathy is required. You need to forget about the holiday/m&s food thing & her savings as they are no more your business than your money is her right to dip in to iyswim.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 03:53

Why is this being made into your problem op?
Talk to your DH about what you as a family are willing to do to help her ( if anything) and then put the ball in her court.
It may be that you can only help her find a place SHE can pay for once you are settled, but you shouldn't be having to sort this out by yourself, she isn't your mum.
If she is too hysterical or unreasonable to listen to your solutions or advice then leave her to it, sounds like she is already in the best place tbh.
It is a shame for her to be so far away etc once you move, but why does she ( or anyone for that matter ) assume that expecting your relatives or DC to stay within a 10 mile radius is perfectly fine.
My mother would never try to guilt us and restrict where we wanted to or had to live, and i aim to be the same in that respect when my DC is older.

NoelEdmondshair · 26/04/2011 03:56

Some compassion wouldn't go amiss, OP.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 04:02

If she keeps saying she can not afford this, that etc, ask her what she is expecting, then if her only solution is to move in with you tell her, sorry, not enough space, we can not afford that either etc.
She shouldn't be doing this to you, its not right.

MadamDeathstare · 26/04/2011 04:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bigleaf · 26/04/2011 04:35

Did she buy her current flat for cash?

How much does she have in total savings if you include the sale proceeds from that?

Sorry to be nosey, but have no idea where you live so could be £200k or could be £40k.

(There is a point to this info btw)

owlmaster · 26/04/2011 04:46

Realistically, wherever (theoretically) MIL moves to, she may not set up a new circle of friends. If she moves to another sheltered housing complex, why would she get on with the new neighbours any better than she does now with her current neighbours? Similarly if she tries lunch clubs / pensioner day centres or whatever's available in the new area, there's no reason to think it'll go any better than it did after the last move. In fact the OP is likely to find that MIL doesn't even try (much?) to set up a new social circle.

One good thing is that MIL is being clear about what she wants, there's no misundersanding, she wants her son to look after her both financially and emotionally. So the OP and her husband know what they are taking on, or not, by facilitating the move.

None of us know the relationship history of the OP, her husband and his mum. So the natural thing to do is to think about our own family situations. It seems to me that this is clouding the advice given: OP / husband have a duty of care etc etc. Well maybe that duty of care is to not uproot someone when the outcome is uncertain. As others have said, what if this isn't the final move for OP's family? What if the MIL finds she in fact misses the company and security of sheltered housing (let's face it, she wouldn't be the first person to enjoy a moan but in fact appreciate some aspects of the arrangement.)

OP - I think you have to trust your gut on this one. You don't need to justify your position to us. The advice to get your position clear with your husband and let him have the conversations with his mum seems spot on to me, whatever that decision is.

Original poster
Ishani · 26/04/2011 08:35

She bought her current place with the proceeds of her divorce so she has £25k in cash and the flat would be worth about £60 on a good day, but here lies another issue £85k would be more than enough to buy something but she won't spend it and I do see her point, if she spent it she would have nothing for repairs, she likes things nicely decorated and of course she wants some treats (although you'd think a grand a month for one person to live on after bills would be treats enough wouldn't you).

Her current place is ideal for her but she doesn't consider herself to be a pensioner, they are too old for her to be friends with, not interesting enough etc.
She won't make any effort at all with our family, when she comes at Christmas she brings a book, eats all our food, hogs the remote control and offers a running commentary of our life "oh poor daddy is he making tea for mummy again" all that nonsense. I want to stab myself with a teaspoon after an hour of it. What she'd like is for the children and I to disappear altogether leaving her and her son if we're being completely honest.
We aren't in a position to help emotionally or financially and really the sooner she realizes that the better, but as you say it's not for me to be telling her that.

OP posts:
CatPower · 26/04/2011 08:52

Have you spelled this out to DH in crystal clear terms? As much of a nightmare as this might be for you, your husband might be seeing it as a "battle" between you and your MIL, meaning he's putting his fingers in his ears and pretending it isn't happening.

The only other thing I can think of is if, after you and DH have had a discussion about it (and he realises you cannot finance her/have her move in when you move) you get together with MIL, present a united front and make it clear her plans cannot happen. Offer help and assistance with finding a new place for her (as a token gesture if nothing else), but say you and DH have your DC's to be thinking about, and you also need to think about their financial futures as well.

She needs to understand that your DH cannot be a Mummy's boy forever. He has a wife and children now, and needs to put you all first.

OTTMummA · 26/04/2011 08:58

goodness op, i am suprised you haven't gone bonkers.
She will just keep badgering on about this until your DH puts his 2 pence worth in on a conversation with her.
She won't listen to anything you say, and she will try to guilt her DS into doing what she wants.
It is not on.
Your DH needs to phone her today, and tell her exactly what you can and can not do, and lay out what she will need to do in order to achieve moving ie, selling and using her savings for her OWN home.

Original poster
Ishani · 26/04/2011 09:00

I thought I had, I'm painting him in a bad light here the truth is I've tried to keep this away from him because he's running a business and trying to get to grips with a new job so I am shouldering all the family moving stuff to let him get on with financing it all.

I do feel sorry for her please don't get me wrong but she can't keep following us around the country can she, she's even trying to influence where we move it, where suits her best grrrrr

OP posts:
Original poster
Ishani · 26/04/2011 09:02

You watch it'll end up her and DH in a 5 bed detached and me and the DC's will be in the retirement flat !

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2011 09:10

Firstly you have to speak to your DH about this. Then you have to decide on wether you are happy for her to move close to you. Until you decide where that is you cannot look for solutions because you will not know the figures involved. Can she rent out were she lives? there is usually a waiting list for the type of housing that you have described. You and DH could tell her that you will help to sort out her housing once you have moved. She needs to be told that it is up to you where you live. If she wants to follow that is her decision, she will need to start to take into account; hospitals and doctors etc in the area she chooses to live. There is no way you can avoid having this conversation with your DH and her especially as he is an only child. This situation isn't that uncommon.

zikes · 26/04/2011 09:14

I do think you should help her plan to move nearish you when you're settled, as if she gets ill, your dh is going to have to charge 400 miles to sit in hospitals. This could happen a lot, especially if she's feeling/being bullied in her current set-up with the added isolation of you guys being so far away.

Your dh does have a responsibility to her. But if you're thinking of moving to where she moved from, she probably has friends there already so would be less dependent on you & him for company.

Perhaps she doesn't have to move exactly where you are, when you go, but within an hour or so's drive might be more affordable, surely?