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AIBU?

to want to move to a smaller house, even if it means 2 of my dc have to share a room ?

128 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 17:41

Am i ?? Dd1 thinks I am.

Basically, I live in a 4 bed house owned by a housing association. It is in a nice enough area and the house is huge as is the garden, but I struggle alot with the upkeep of it as something always needs doing.

I'm a single mum, and I work 22 hours a week and so never seem to have the time or money to make the house anything other than livable.

I have today been to see a 3 bed house that is up for exchange. It is on a newer, nicer estate than mine, and would need less upkeep as it has upvc frames, smaller garden, rooms etc, but my eldest dd is creating havoc, saying she will not share a room with his sister. There is only 2 years age difference between them, but they are quite different in character.

I have already said that they can have the larger of the double rooms and I will make sure it is done out in a style they both like, but dd1 in particular is having non of it.

I think it would be good for us though. We originally moved into this house with xp, and he now lives in a flat within spitting distance and likes to know my business. This would put just enough distance between us that the kids could still see him when they liked, but that he wasn't on my doorstep.

So, aibu ??

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BlueFergie · 26/04/2011 15:59

I honestly can't believe that so many posters think a 13 year olds desire not to share a room should be the overriding consideration in this situation.
She is 13 years old of course she does not want to share. But guess what the current living situation is causing her mother financial and personal stress and there is no reason for this to continue just because a teenager wants some personal space.

YANBOU OP and as for the suggestion that you sleep on a sofa bed in order for the kids to have their own room? Words fail me.

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 27/04/2011 18:29

Mini update - The couple haven't yet quite decided if they want my house or not but have promised to let me know asap, and have a guess who is being all impatient about finding out ?? Yep dd1 lol, she txt me from school today to ask me if they had decided yet because 'but i want to move mum'.

Kids eh !, I will never understand them.

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CarGirl · 27/04/2011 19:33

Fingers crossed Nutty!

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 06/05/2011 12:39

Another mini update : I am still waiting for a final decision from the couple
The woman came to look again on Wed night, and brought with her, her dad, brother and her two boys, who all liked it.
Apparently her partner is 100% sure he wants it but she can't decide.

She is supposed to be letting me now for sure over the weekend, but said it will more than likely be a yes.

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lessthanperfect · 06/05/2011 13:26

Yabu. I think that children - those ages especially - need their own room and privacy.

If your DC's are happy with your current house then you should put them first and try staying in the same house. However, if things do start to become out of hand and stressing, then you should definitely consider moving.

If your DC's don't want to move but you think that it is very important and that you don't have any other suitable options, then you should tell them why you have to leave. If they are serious in wanting staying then they will probably offer to help keep the house tidy, wash the dishes, do some gardening, etc.

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lessthanperfect · 06/05/2011 13:33

Yabu. It is very important for DC's to have their own rooms and privacy - at those ages especially.

If your children really want to stay then you should stay. However, if things start to get really out of hand and stressing, then you should tell them that you are definitely considering moving and also telling them why.

If they are serious about wanting to stay at this house then they will probably offer to do more house work, gardening, washing, etc.

I understand that this won't bring more money in but you will have more time on your hands to sort things out/work. :)

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working9while5 · 06/05/2011 13:42

I had to share with my sister in a tiny room for my entire teens. Yeah, sure, it was miserable but.. not to put too fine a point on it, so TF what? And sorry to those who share this as an "insight" but unless there was GBH or incest or something heinous happening, the normal trials and tribulations of room sharing with a sibling are really not something worth sharing. As for moving schools being "damaging" , seriously? Kids are very resilient. I agree with with EllenJane1. It is not a democracy. If you are struggling financially in your current house, just move. And don't do anything ridiculous like sleep on a sofa bed so that your kids can not share a room, my word! Sharing a room will not kill them, y'know.. and it's best for older kids not to get the idea that your needs are secondary to theirs. Time to live in the real world.

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Reality · 06/05/2011 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

working9while5 · 06/05/2011 13:51

My BIL to be had 7 in his family. In a 3 bed house, there was mum and dad in one room, then a room for the 2 girls and one for the 5 boys. When the mum's mum died, her father came to live with them for a period of time while he was downsizing. The parents slept in with the 2 girls.

That is overcrowding. 2 kids of the same gender in one room? Not a chance.

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lessthanperfect · 08/05/2011 13:48

Yes! I agree with you Reality, it was a bit ridiculous! Sorry!

I do know plenty of people that share who are perfectly comfortable however, I know some children who have quite a hard time if they prefer to be alone.

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 08/05/2011 17:27

Well the verdict is in, and it's a yes

Apparently the move could happen in as little as 4 weeks

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frgaaah · 08/05/2011 17:31

I'm not sure you're going to get much sympathy here by stating that you work 22 hours, but hey ho.

You're the adult, it's YOUR decision. Consider their wellbeing, sure, and let them know that. But their wellbeing also entails having a mum who doesn't feel put upon, where there are boundaries between parental decisions and children throwing tantrums, their long term financial stability (I assume it will be cheaper althought I can't recall where it said that in the OP, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong in that assumption) etc.

And the ages of your children are more than old enough to be taking a significant share of the housework. If they aren't, and most of the work falls to you, it's time to fix that issue too.

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CarGirl · 08/05/2011 17:43

FAb news nutcracker I really hope that moving further away from your ex helps things all around.

Great stuff!

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alittlebitshy · 08/05/2011 17:43

fragaah - did you not see the part where the OP states WHY she works 22 hours? Bearing in mind her fragility emotionally, i would have thought that anything to help matters - be it financially or otherwise would be welcome!!

Yay at the verdict (only just come to the thread and feel a bit at wading in after the event buy hey ho!). I am glad dd1 is so eager after all.

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fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2011 17:45

glad you got the answer you wanted. Hope all goes well with your move.

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expatinscotland · 08/05/2011 17:48

Wow! Nutty, this sounds great. A fresh start. :)

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Tortoise · 08/05/2011 17:51

Thats great. Hope all goes well with the move.

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diddl · 08/05/2011 18:00

Well tbh if you can´t afford the house that you are in, then you can´t & that´s it, isn´t it?

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 08/05/2011 18:14

Thank's all

Dd1 is all for the move now, and the other two dc don't seem fussed either way really. I think they are looking forward to the fresh start too though tbh.

Ds thinks it is fab that we will have carpet on the stairs, as we've never had any in the 7years we've been here lol.

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 08/05/2011 18:15

Oh and I didn't expect sympathy for saying I work 22 hours btw. I know a hell of alot of people work more than that, and I plan to increase my hours once my mental health allows

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Yellowstone · 08/05/2011 18:26

OP haven't read the thread just wanted to say that I have three boys sharing one room and three girls sharing another. The boys have always been fine and the girls (much) more quarrelsome but they know it's how it has to be. There are two others tucked away in a tiny room and they're ok too.

We do all love the little house and where it is though and no-one wants to move.

They have to do homework out of their rooms because there's no room anywhere for a desk, but they've managed (though I do feel bad about that, especially when it's exam time of year).

Before I get criticized, our circumstances changed well after no. 8 was born and there was no option but to downsize (we used to own two adjacent houses and sold one).

Hope the move goes well, it definitely sounds for the best.

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TrillianAstra · 08/05/2011 18:31

Whether the move happens or not I think is is very important that a 13, 11 and 8 yr old help around the house, whether it is a big house or a small house.

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Andrewofgg · 08/05/2011 18:47

Don't make them share. Live with the burden. They grow up soon enough. You want a separate bedroom, why shouldn't they?

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 08/05/2011 18:48

Thank's yellow, that sounds really positive.

Trillian, I completely agree with you, and I will be making sure that they all do their fair share.

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expatinscotland · 08/05/2011 18:54

'Don't make them share. Live with the burden. They grow up soon enough. You want a separate bedroom, why shouldn't they?'

She's an adult. When they want their own bedroom, they can move out when they're adults and get a job, and get their own room.

It's hardly the end of the world.

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