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AIBU?

to want to move to a smaller house, even if it means 2 of my dc have to share a room ?

128 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 17:41

Am i ?? Dd1 thinks I am.

Basically, I live in a 4 bed house owned by a housing association. It is in a nice enough area and the house is huge as is the garden, but I struggle alot with the upkeep of it as something always needs doing.

I'm a single mum, and I work 22 hours a week and so never seem to have the time or money to make the house anything other than livable.

I have today been to see a 3 bed house that is up for exchange. It is on a newer, nicer estate than mine, and would need less upkeep as it has upvc frames, smaller garden, rooms etc, but my eldest dd is creating havoc, saying she will not share a room with his sister. There is only 2 years age difference between them, but they are quite different in character.

I have already said that they can have the larger of the double rooms and I will make sure it is done out in a style they both like, but dd1 in particular is having non of it.

I think it would be good for us though. We originally moved into this house with xp, and he now lives in a flat within spitting distance and likes to know my business. This would put just enough distance between us that the kids could still see him when they liked, but that he wasn't on my doorstep.

So, aibu ??

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Firawla · 25/04/2011 20:10

I can understand why your dd would think yabu, as it may come across like you are putting your feelings about housework above your dc feelings of not wanting to share. If you are in the 4 bed now they probably would not really understand why there is a real need to move, so naturally at those ages they will find it unfair. It would be easier for them if they always shared a room, than having to go from having their own space into sharing when they are already used to the privacy.
I don't think I would do it myself, unless the financial reasons are so strong as in you actually can't afford the one you have now. The housework thing I don't think is much of a reason

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 20:39

Well without me saying a word, dd1 appears to have already started to come round. She just came and sat next to me armed with the Ikea book, and pointed out things that she'd quite like in her half of the room.

I think she might have just realised how much closer she would be to quite a few of her friends and the park in which they normally hang out.

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EllenJane1 · 25/04/2011 20:45

Thank God for that! You've got to love Ikea.

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Dozer · 25/04/2011 20:50

That sounds hopeful!

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Triggles · 25/04/2011 20:55

So glad that she's coming around. She and her sister will probably have a blast making their half of the room "their own."

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EllenJane1 · 25/04/2011 20:57

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MrsSchadenfreude · 25/04/2011 21:04

I've been here long enough to remember the "Let's get Nutty a new house" thread about 100 years ago, when you were desperate for this 4 bed house.

If you're only working 22 hours a week, that should give you enough time to do the garden and housework. But really, your DDs at least should be helping with some of the housework - hoovering, dusting, washing up etc, and keeping their rooms tidy (or you just shut the door on the mess and let them get on with it). Would it help more if they did more around the house? I know it wouldn't help with a cheaper rent, but how about an ultimatum - either you help more or we move?

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Triggles · 25/04/2011 21:12

As you were. Back to the house discussion. LOL

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moomaa · 25/04/2011 21:41

I know it sounds odd but can I suggest bunk beds? I shared with my sister until I was an adult and we had decent sized bunk beds and it made it a lot less stressful as when we were on our beds there was no one else 'in your face'.

We both had shelves fixed to the wall near our beds for alarm clocks, knick knacks and a small, low watt lamp that the other was not allowed to touch. We were allowed our lamps on whenever we wanted and because it was a bunk it meant it didn't light up the other ones bed too much if they were trying to sleep.

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 21:42

Ohhh who were you then Mrs S ??

I was so glad when we got this house, and it should have been our dream house, but then me and xp split and things have gone downhill since.

Everytime i try and decorate it uncovers how badly built the house is, and it just all seems never ending. I have been here for 7 years and still have no stair carpet, because I still haven't figured out what to do with the botch job of the hall, stairs and landing they left me with.

Any jobs that xp did do before the split were also botched, and me and my mum have spent hours trying our best to patch things up, and I am just sick of it tbh.

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fedupwithdeployment · 25/04/2011 21:57

We are in a slightly different situation - we are about to upsize, but despite that I am going to put the DSs in the same room. They are v happy with this...only 4 and 6 though, and v excited about the new bunk bed I have just bought. We will then have the luxury of a spare room so won't have musical beds every time the GPs visit.

It must be a lot more difficult for you. Good luck - sounds as though things are on the right track for you.

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CarGirl · 25/04/2011 22:04

I think you need to move to stop having your ex breathing down your neck. From my hazy memories of your posts about him he gives me the creeps! If life is so bad sharing a bedroom dd1 could always move in with her dad for a while...........

Def give them the choice over which bedroom to share though.

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compo · 25/04/2011 22:07

I agree with you Nutty
it's your decision for your finances and your mental health
I'd go for it!

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expatinscotland · 25/04/2011 23:28

I think it will do you all the world of good to be out of the place so full of your ex and all his crap memories . A fresh start is sometimes just the thing.

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higgle · 26/04/2011 09:47

I've just seen another thread on here where the general concensus is that it is quite OK for a couple to have 5 children in a two bedroomed flat and no eye-brows should be raised about the poor children having to sleep together. On here the general view is the other way - that it is important for the girls to have their own rooms - strange. All in all I think it will be right for you to move to the 3 bedroomed house. As I mentioned before you may only have 4 years of room sharing on a regular basis anyway.

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WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 26/04/2011 12:51

I think you misunderstood that entire thread, actually.

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higgle · 26/04/2011 13:05

And maybe you did!

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WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 26/04/2011 13:11

No.

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PumpkinBones · 26/04/2011 13:47

I was also thinking the same thing of that other thread - what exactly did I misunderstand?

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WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 26/04/2011 13:51

Well it really is rather simple, but if you need it breaking down for you, its that there is no right answer that everyone needs or doesn't need their own bedroom, but that the only correct answer for ones family is the one that works for that family. It may be that you need to have one bedroom per child, it may be that you can have 3 or 4 in one room. It may be that you can't have what you could really do with but do your best and muddle through.

And that people who insist your children are poor deprived souls because they share a bedroom are nobbers who are overly interested in what others do.

Clear enough?

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higgle · 26/04/2011 14:30

Without wanting to get into a debate about it I felt the questioning of my undertanding was a little impolite.

To expand - on this thread there have been many posts with adult people saying they found the experience of either sharing themselves or of having their children share as being negative. They suggest that sharing is to be avoided if possible. On the other thread I noticed that most of the posts were about the personal choice of the parents, and that there were few if any posts that it would probably not be something the children would be very happy about. My point being that on Mumsnet it is odd how on one thread you get one sort of view and on another about something similar you get another, as in lots of discussion about hair removal from one point of view on Style and Beauty, and something rather different on Feminism.

I have no view one way or another, my mother happily shared with her 2 sisters, I have always had my own room. My only point in this discussion is that children grow up and leave home so quickly it is probably only a fairly short term situation in any event.

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WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 26/04/2011 14:37

You said that there was a consensus on each thread that was opposing. Clearly there is no consensus on either thread.

And its not odd in the slightest when you consider there are hundreds of thousands of posters. Of course there is never any over-riding consensus.

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pingu2209 · 26/04/2011 15:26

Why can't the youngest two share and leave the eldest a bedroom of her own?

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EllenJane1 · 26/04/2011 15:36

Because the oldest 2 are girls and a similar age and the youngest is a much younger boy.

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MilaMae · 26/04/2011 15:50

I posted on the other thread as I thought 5 kids in a 2 bed flat wasn't exactly a great decision(I use the word decision as said family were already in it when they decided to produce no 5).

However I think a 3 bed house with 3 kids is completely different and there are other important issues to consider so I'd go for it and tell them you're doing it in their best interests.

Obviously sticking it out in the bigger house which you will get used to eventually would be preferable but if it's having an impact on your mental health then that must come first.

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