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to want to move to a smaller house, even if it means 2 of my dc have to share a room ?

128 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 17:41

Am i ?? Dd1 thinks I am.

Basically, I live in a 4 bed house owned by a housing association. It is in a nice enough area and the house is huge as is the garden, but I struggle alot with the upkeep of it as something always needs doing.

I'm a single mum, and I work 22 hours a week and so never seem to have the time or money to make the house anything other than livable.

I have today been to see a 3 bed house that is up for exchange. It is on a newer, nicer estate than mine, and would need less upkeep as it has upvc frames, smaller garden, rooms etc, but my eldest dd is creating havoc, saying she will not share a room with his sister. There is only 2 years age difference between them, but they are quite different in character.

I have already said that they can have the larger of the double rooms and I will make sure it is done out in a style they both like, but dd1 in particular is having non of it.

I think it would be good for us though. We originally moved into this house with xp, and he now lives in a flat within spitting distance and likes to know my business. This would put just enough distance between us that the kids could still see him when they liked, but that he wasn't on my doorstep.

So, aibu ??

OP posts:
TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 17:42

Sorry, shoud say, I have 8yr old ds too, hence the need for dd1&2 to share. They are 13&11.

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GypsyMoth · 25/04/2011 17:48

yanbu ...(i'm currently bidding for 4 bed from a 3 bed)

do you get the cash incentive for down sizing?

BugsnBites · 25/04/2011 17:50

You're the adult, you make the call. Obviously all possible should be done to have DDs enjoy the new home - decor, etc. Does she have a particularly good reason to want to avoid sharing with DD2? Do they hate each other? Do you suspect that they would if they lived in the same room?

Is this a place you'd see yourself living after the children have moved out?

hairylights · 25/04/2011 17:51

Yabu. If you work 22 hours you have plenty of time.

How old are your children and what do they do to contribute to housework?

If you can provide a room each you should. What will happen when they are teens (if they aren't already) and need their space/privacy?

hairylights · 25/04/2011 17:55

Ah. Just seen your post on their ages. At those ages I'd say no don't make them share.

Is it more about you getting away from your ex?

Do your kids:

Wash up and put away
Put laundry in baskets when dirty?
Fold and put away own clean clothes?

Have a rota for cleaning bathroom/stairs/hallway?

This is all stuff I and my siblings did by the time
we were 11 and is stuff which they need to learn about.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 17:55

No we don't get any cash incentive (i wish lol)

My dd's don't particularly get on no, but I think that is their age tbh. Dd1 has got used to having her own space and I can see why she'd be reluctant to give this up, but this house would be so much more managable financially and in every other way for me.

I could see myself staying there for a decnt amount of time after they'd left yes.

It is opposite a lovely park too.

The dd's have shared before btw but when they were alot smaller. They were 4.6 and 6.6 when we moved here, and they shared for a bit again while we decorated andn then went into their own rooms.

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 17:57

No they don't do hardley anything around the house.

Financially for a single person this house is a money pit, it needs so many things doing.

The other house needs nothing doing at all and the rent is cheaper.

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hairylights · 25/04/2011 17:59

If it needs stuff done then the HA should do it, surely?

If they don't get on well now it's likely to get worse sharing as teenagers.

MumInBeds · 25/04/2011 18:00

Could you sleep on a fold out sofa bed in the living room so they could keep their own rooms?

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 18:00

They should hairy but they don't. It has taken me 7years to get them to put a new bath in.

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BugsnBites · 25/04/2011 18:01

YANBU, of course, but if they really don't get on then it may be more trouble than it's worth!

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 18:01

Fold out sofa not realy practical.

Maybe I should just wait until i have taken them to see the house and then see what dd thinks as she did this once before, but then liked the house when we saw it, but it fell through.

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lynehamrose · 25/04/2011 18:02

Could you up your hours as your children are all at school , and pay someone to some of the maintenance? It seems a bit daft to move house and make your children share when tbh you have a fair amount of time, more than many parents. I think your children will make life hell for you if forced to share

YellowDinosaur · 25/04/2011 18:04

YANBU. However I think it may well work out much more stressful to move if your dds are really against it - them arguing all the time will make life a bit of a mare. Is there a way round this in the new house? For eg is there a living room that you could use as a bedroom if you have 2 reception rooms? Then they could have one room each still.

Otherwise I would be tempted to get them all together and explain that you understand why they (dd1) do not want to do this and ask what the others think. If they don't want to move I would be explaining that you are finding the upkeep too much but a compromise could be that they help out around the house more so it is not such a headache for you. Have prepared a list of jobs that need to be done and ask them to choose which ones they will take responsibility for. If they all want the same jobs then make a rota (obviously the 8 year old shouldn't be expected to do as much as dd1). Give them say a month or 6 weeks to show that they will stick to this. Tell them that if they stick to this for this time them you will stay put. If they don't then you will move. Emphasise that you are making it their choice and that if they choose not to help out they will have forced your hand.

Then if they really want to stay they will pull their finger out won't they and if they don't help then they can hardly say you're not being fair. If not suggesting massive of chores by they way - just stuff that takes about 30 mins a day / a couple fo hours a week. WHich I think is reasonable for children that age anyway (a bit less for the younger one). I think this teaches them responsibility and how to look after themselves which a good life lessons.

Could this work?

fedupofnamechanging · 25/04/2011 18:05

Can you partition the biggest bedroom so they have some space of their own?

Failing that would you consider using the living room as a bed sitting room for yourself, so the 2 girls could each have a bedroom?

Just because your ex wants to know your business, it doesn't mean you have to tell him.

For me this would hinge on whether the two girls would get along or fight continuously. if they really clash, then you might not be improving your life by moving.

I have 2 sons sharing a room (ages 11 and 9). They do fight sometimes and ideally I'd like them to have their own space, but for the most part they get along quite well and accept sharing as a fact of life. Do you think your DDs will get to that stage of acceptance?

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 18:06

I can't up my hours no. Have only just recently gone back to work after being treated for depression so my gp has actually advised that I drop my hours, although i'm not going to as I can't afford too.

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YellowDinosaur · 25/04/2011 18:06

sorry for typos and cross posts (see a bed in living room not an option). Keyboard on a delay for some reason so difficult to check typos without it taking several hours for each post!

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 18:08

I think you should take the girls to see it, you also need to sit them down and tell them that it would be better all around if you moved due to the financial drain the bigger house is.

It would also be a new start for you too.

If you feel it is for the best for all of you, then it is something you should do.

MegBusset · 25/04/2011 18:08

I shared a room with my sister til I was 16, and even though we got on, the lack of space/privacy was miserable.

Can you hang on til the oldest is 18 and ready to move out/go to uni?

TortoiseVEasterBunny · 25/04/2011 18:08

Does it have a dining room that you could use as another bedroom?
I am desperate to find a 4 bed house exchange as I am in a 3 bed with 4 dc.

I sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge as DS1 and DS2 didn't get on in a shared room.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 18:09

That is an option yellowdinosaur.

Tbh i have already compromised, as I actually wanted to move areas, only about 10 miles away, but dd1 was adamant she didn't want to change schools, and so I stuck to looking for something closer to where we are now.

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TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/04/2011 18:09

Got to dish up dinner now, but will check back later.

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YellowDinosaur · 25/04/2011 18:14

I you have 2 reception rooms another option would be to let your dds have a bedroom and reception room between them. That they both sleep together but that they would each have one of the rooms as their space that they can decorate as they choose and that they can have as their own space during the day. So they will have to sleep together but that they will have their own privacy and space during the day. Let dd1 choose which is 'hers' to give her some control (which may help as her disagreeing with everything almost on principle may be about this either as a response to the divorce or just normal 13 year old awkwardness). When they get older if they get on better they may well enjoy having their own living room to share to pend time with their friends.

I don't know much about housing association stuff but if you downsize from a 4 bed to a 3 bed would that make it more difficult for you to apply to go back to a 4 bed if this move proved a nightmare? If dds argued so much they made it miserable for you and your ds for eg? If so then this needs even more careful consideration - if you couldnt' go back

hairylights · 25/04/2011 18:15

Sorry but staying in the area so that your DC don't have to change schools isn't a compromise, it's good parenting and doing what is right and putting your DC first.

That kind of upheaval can be very damaging for teens/preteens.

Bluebell99 · 25/04/2011 18:16

I had to share a room with my sister until I left home at 18 and it was miserable.

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