Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want another child but not ....

79 replies

firsttimemum77 · 25/04/2011 00:06

I'm 33 with one DC who will be 4 this year. Due to having grown up with parents who had it all one minute and in dire financial problems the next and spending my late teens trying to help them sort their problems (have 3 brothers but they never bothered) I am now a very controlling, I would say, individual when it comes to money, savings and taking no risks. I would hate to have to struggle iykwim.

We are quite okay and our joint income is around £70k. We don't live near any family, so rely 100% on a private day nursery and our DC will be going to private school - solely because they offer after school care on premises and holiday clubs during school holidays, also on premises. Neither me or DH can go p/t as our jobs don't allow it.

So aibu to really want another child but not want to risk 'struggling' if that makes sense. I am so up in the air about this. I want another child, I want to be able to give my DC a sibling and complete my family, but am shit scared of the financial implications I.e one child at private school, the other at private nursery and eventually both at private schools.

We have a really small mortgage ATM but are looking to move, as the area we live in is not so nice. We bought our house when we got married 13 years ago and didn't think about the area, schools or even having children when we bought it. Just wanted to get away from the il's (another story!!) and bought literally the first house we saw! So mortgage likely to go up when we move due to house prices 13 years on!

I would really appreciate some honest views. Am I just being over cautious! Thinking about too many what ifs???

Urrgghh! I don't know what I'm trying to ask! I also had a really difficult pregnancy, birth and PND which was contributed by the fact I had no family around to help. My parents are great but live a distance and also both work and I don't expect them to help!

Do I just need to be slapped into reality!?

OP posts:
hairylights · 25/04/2011 00:08

Yabu. Is it a wind up?

Original poster
firsttimemum77 · 25/04/2011 00:10

No - not a wind up!

OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimemum77 · 25/04/2011 00:10

But if you think it's a wind up, maybe I am just over thinking this and need to slap myself!

OP posts:
HalfPastWine · 25/04/2011 00:13

YANBU. I can understand you not wanting to struggle financially since you've been through it before however no one knows what is going to happen in the future.

Original poster
firsttimemum77 · 25/04/2011 00:19

Halfpastwine - I do keep telling myself that and I don't want to regret not having a second child either. We planned our DC to the tee, honestly and due to my controlling financial nature, only went on to have her when we were financially stable. We have been house hunting for 2 years and nothing we like has come up and those we have, have been snapped up! I'm thinking if we have another child we will end up not moving, and if we don't have another child I'll end up regretting :-(

OP posts:
hickerydickerydock · 25/04/2011 00:23

First, I think it's natural to think about these things, and I'm very similar to you in my thinking I have two DSC but am very hesitant to have my own unless I'm sure that DP and I are financially stable (to my standards not DP's). Have you thought about moving to an area with good state schools so you can forgo the cost of private education?

I do think YABU though to let money dictate your happiness though it sounds like you have been very effected by your parents financial problems, don't let past events dictate your life.

PonceyMcPonce · 25/04/2011 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HalfPastWine · 25/04/2011 00:24

Which are you likely to regret more, not having a child or not moving house?

You say the area you live in is not so nice. Area's reputations change, it could be the most desirable area to live in by the time your next child is 5.

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 00:32

I think anyone on £70,000 who sends their children to private junior school is mad, to be honest. It's a good income, but you would be far, far better off moving to a really good area where they have great schools.

Private secondary education is a lot more expensive than junior education and you will struggle to put two children through. If one of you lost your job, the expense would be horrific.

Why not move house and put your money into your home rather than into education? Your child/ren could still get a great education and have the benefits of a nicer area.

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 00:33

More likely to go downhill than uphill though, realistically, HalfPastWine.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 00:37

'I.e one child at private school, the other at private nursery and eventually both at private schools'

I find this an odd consideration in deciding whether to have another child or not.

If hairy's not right then you're overthinking it completely.

Thinking having another child has nothing to do with worrying about funding them when they're at school.

Well, not to me anyway.

Why would it enter your head?

GnomeDePlume · 25/04/2011 00:40

I agree with atswimtwolengths. When DCs are at state school your income will allow you to afford a lot of 'extras' (music lessons, extra tutoring, whatever) with the security of knowing that if it all goes horribly wrong that the school is paid for as of right.

anonymosity · 25/04/2011 01:12

I do understand OP. I think if you really want two children, you will. And if you want to send them both to private nursery / schools then you will also do that, too and work hard to keep them there and maybe cut back on some luxury or other in order to accommodate it.

The fact is, things do change sometimes unexpectedly and you could find yourselves struggling whether you have a second or not and then you could dig yourselves out of that. Its not entirely within your control sometimes.

nulliusxinxverbax · 25/04/2011 01:14

You are sending your child to private school, just because it has after school clubs on site? There are state schools that have after school clubs on site.

Why not just send your child to state school? In all honesty, is this more about having someone else looking after your child most the time? And if you cant go part time, what are your plans when baby comes along?

Im afraid you cant control everything, especially where children are concerned.

Morloth · 25/04/2011 01:29

YANBU, we have two DCs now and to be honest I would quite like to have a third.

But we can provide very well indeed for our two, not intending to use private schools ATM but if it we changed our minds, it is totally doable. We can afford a house big enough for two, but possibly not for 3 in the area we live in (which is very nice). We can afford a lot of things with 2 children that we would not be able to with 3, we have a fantastic lifestyle right now and would like to keep it.

It is a hard decision to make, because my head and my heart are at war. We also need to look to future and how we are going to fund ourselves in retirement etc. Kids cost money, it is that simple really.

DS1 was an only for his first 6 years because we wanted to ensure that we were financially stable before having another, DS2 is one of the best decisions we ever made. Not just for us but for DS1.

dunnoh · 25/04/2011 01:36

Have you thought about moving to an area with a good comp / grammer school? I personally went to one of the worst comps in the country and have ended up working for some of the (so called) worlds best companies. Being educated privately is great, but there is a hell of lot of snobbishness from people who didn't get private education out there. What Im trying to say is that unless its Eton/Winchester/Rugby/Charterhouse etc I cant see the point in crippling yourself.

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 04:16

What about hiring a nanny?

Then you get the childcare you need without the concern of finding 2 sets of fees.

berries · 25/04/2011 07:44

Tbh I don't think it's possible on that salary. By the time the children get to secondary then school fees will be 1.5 - 2k per month (I have 2 at private school). I'm not sure prep school is much cheaper either. Then there's all the extras.

gkys · 25/04/2011 07:55

hire a nanny / au pair and send them to a state school?

southmum · 25/04/2011 07:58

yabu

dont send them to a private school and dont move

pretty straightforward really.

MarioandLuigi · 25/04/2011 08:13

I agree that you will struggle to maintain the lifestyle you already have with two children, especially if your mortgage will be increasing.

Icelollycraving · 25/04/2011 08:14

Yanbu. If you moved to a different area,would you be able to be a sahm so you could let them go to a local school. Overthinking it isn't a bad thing at all,shows you are not leaving things to chance.
Sounds like you are just trying to do the very best for your family.

LisasCat · 25/04/2011 08:15

I agree with the posters advising against private education, at least for prep level. I work in a prep school, and can honestly say I don't think families should even consider starting on this conveyor belt unless they have a household income of well over 100k, and 150k for 2 children. The fees will continue to rise by more than the rate of inflation, the extras will accumulate, the children will be offered more expensive trips....it soons spirals out of control for families who were already feeling the impact when they sent their 4 year old to pre-prep. As someone mentioned, the after school and holiday clubs are available through state schools, and my advice to anyone considering private education who even has to ask 'how much?' is to find a good state school, and spend the money on extra curricular activities and childcare to fill the holidays.

Sorry to sound negative, I know you're only trying to do the best for your child, but I've seen too many families get themselves into real difficulty for a private education, some earning more than your 70k, and I genuinely do not think that the education we offer is worth what we charge for it, unless for a family for whom money really is no object. All the components that make it better can be bought separately as extra-curricular activities for far less, and increase a child's social circle.

perrinelli · 25/04/2011 08:17

I don't think YABU exactly but I think you could potentially be making a mistake if you hold off because of financial consideration.

You never know what is going to happen in life - you could stick at one DC then one of you could lose your job/have ill health (sorry to be depressing!) and be in a tough situation anyway. If you lost what you have you might find yourself feeling that what's really important are the people around you and regretting that you hadn't 'completed' your family (your words!)

I do think that parents think through whether they can provide for the children they plan at a basic level (like when thinking about number 3, 4, 5, 6 etc!) but objectively you are obviously in quite a stable position and 2 children is by no means excessive!

I second the suggestion to consider moving to be close to a good state secondary. Remember some state secondary schools can sometimes provide a better education than some private ones - or you could always hope your DCs are geniuses and can get scholarships/bursaries!

What you about your DH/DP? His feelings need to come into it too - there could be trouble ahead if he's keen and could feel resentful in future at the point that the window of opportunity will have passed.

Ultimately you have said yourself that you would like to give your DC a sibling and to complete your family. I hope it's not just a cliche but I really think that people don't generally regret having a child once they are there and are far more likely to regret NOT having one!

I can see as well why you'd be anxious if your first pregnancy was different and don't want to dismiss that concern without knowing all the details but presumably all the issues were relatively short term, and being prepared for them potentially occurring again would really help the second time.

Finally - (and this is tongue in cheek) - if you are very into financial planning/considering the future, think about when you are old and need looking after, there's safety in numbers!

hairylights · 25/04/2011 08:17

What southmum said