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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want another child but not ....

79 replies

firsttimemum77 · 25/04/2011 00:06

I'm 33 with one DC who will be 4 this year. Due to having grown up with parents who had it all one minute and in dire financial problems the next and spending my late teens trying to help them sort their problems (have 3 brothers but they never bothered) I am now a very controlling, I would say, individual when it comes to money, savings and taking no risks. I would hate to have to struggle iykwim.

We are quite okay and our joint income is around £70k. We don't live near any family, so rely 100% on a private day nursery and our DC will be going to private school - solely because they offer after school care on premises and holiday clubs during school holidays, also on premises. Neither me or DH can go p/t as our jobs don't allow it.

So aibu to really want another child but not want to risk 'struggling' if that makes sense. I am so up in the air about this. I want another child, I want to be able to give my DC a sibling and complete my family, but am shit scared of the financial implications I.e one child at private school, the other at private nursery and eventually both at private schools.

We have a really small mortgage ATM but are looking to move, as the area we live in is not so nice. We bought our house when we got married 13 years ago and didn't think about the area, schools or even having children when we bought it. Just wanted to get away from the il's (another story!!) and bought literally the first house we saw! So mortgage likely to go up when we move due to house prices 13 years on!

I would really appreciate some honest views. Am I just being over cautious! Thinking about too many what ifs???

Urrgghh! I don't know what I'm trying to ask! I also had a really difficult pregnancy, birth and PND which was contributed by the fact I had no family around to help. My parents are great but live a distance and also both work and I don't expect them to help!

Do I just need to be slapped into reality!?

OP posts:
Pheebe · 25/04/2011 10:16

I think you need to decide in your heart if you want another child. Decide that, only that. If the answer is yes then look at how you can make it work. There will inevitably be compromises but its then a case of deciding priorities.

Could your current house accomodate four people? If you stay where you are for now can you stretch to two lots of private fees? Would you be prepared to compromise elsewhere to keep them in private education (holidays, nice car etc)? Is there any chance of getting a bursary for one or both of them?

If you move can you get them into a decent state school and make alternative afterschool arrangements? Freeing up the school fees might allow you to do things as a family you might not otherwise be able to do - travel, educational trips, out of school classes for the kids. It might actually enhance your family time.

Ishani · 25/04/2011 10:19

Yes of course i'm making these figures up, the ones in the middle benefit most from private education is all I am suggesting, if you have a child genius then it probably is a waste of money but I know plenty of surprised parents who both have good degrees and jobs with average children.

hairylights · 25/04/2011 10:27

Good grief that's a strange statement - lifeline for 70% of children? source?

OP. The reason I though it was a wind up was that you have an incredibly privelidged life compared to others, on your joint salary, and to be honest, it seems a bit of a futile dilemma.

What you spend your hard earned cash on is up to you, but I think it's silly to continue with private schooling if you really do want another child.

lynehamrose · 25/04/2011 10:33

Well if these 'surprised 'parents with degrees and good jobs have children who can't cope in a typical state school, then I suggest those children aren't 'average', I would think they are below. Most children do fine

Op - you are over thinking it all, relax and remember you are not your parents.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 25/04/2011 10:45

Certainly, it's responsible to think through finances before TTC. But the catch is that none of us can be 100% confident of our financial situation 10 years from now, or even a year from now. You and/or your DP could be made redundant or become too ill to work... your house could be detroyed by an act of terrorism not covered by your home insurance... your investments could be wiped out by an unforseen market meltdown... etc. So really, the decision to TTC with its 18years+ of financial commitment is unavoidably a leap of faith....

Ishani · 25/04/2011 10:48

There's coping and then there's thriving isn't there ?

lynehamrose · 25/04/2011 11:06

Absolutely. But im not of the persuasion that most children need to be in fee paying schools to thrive

jojowest · 25/04/2011 11:17

whats the point of having yet another kid stuck in nursery for up to 12 hours a day

seriously, why bother?

lynehamrose · 25/04/2011 11:28

Yawn its jojo the bored housewife again

hairylights · 25/04/2011 11:32

Ffs jojo

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:37

Jojo hasnt put it very well but I can kind of see that it is a bit pointless to have 2 children in very expensive schools/nurseries just so the OP can work, so that she can afford the fees, so she can work, to pay the fees........

By reassessing what is important in terms of money, career, housing and of course children then perhaps the OP could find a way around it that doesnt involve working all hours to pay for care just so she can work all hours!

BaldricksTurnip · 25/04/2011 11:39

My point is that having gone to various different types of school, including private school, I don't see any real educational benefit of elitist schooling systems. The decision to send you children to such a rarified environment has little benefit educationally and IMO is more of a social decision ie you don't want your kids mixing with the common horde. This is an unrealistic way to bring up children as in what other place in the adult world will they only mix with one kind of person from one kind of background? Also, the argument of 'bright kids will do well wherever they go' is negated by saying the opposite which is that if that's the case then why bother to send 'average' kids to elitist schools? Ultimately children will flourish in any environment given the right encouragement and support.

Etalb · 25/04/2011 11:41

URBU re the schooling! Our income is nearly three times yours and we would be tight if we sent our two DC to private school! Plus save to send the baby too! It would mean budgeting and scrimping on absolutely everything - if u r a the kind to worry about money then I don't think you could do anything worse! Move to a good catchment area instead!

worraliberty · 25/04/2011 11:42

Jojo I was going to say a similar thing.

6hrs (average school day) does not sound that long to an adult, but to a child it really is. Then to have to stay on longer or deal with before and after school clubs is fair enough (imo) if it's absolutely necessary, but for a child to have to be away from their parents on an every day basis for such a long amount of time when it's not particularly necessary just seems a bit extreme.

Maybe it's time to strike a better balance between wanting children and wanting so much money?

Pheebe · 25/04/2011 11:46

Ultimately children will flourish in any environment given the right encouragement and support.

Very very true

AllTheYoungDoods · 25/04/2011 11:46

Etalb You're on £210k and you can't send 2 kids to private school? No judgement, but really, why not? Do you have a mortgage like the national debt?

lynehamrose · 25/04/2011 11:47

Perhaps the op and her husband really enjoy their work. Perhaps they are in really valuable jobs. Perhaps their child is absolutely fine and thriving in nursery. Parents tend to know best whether their own kids are happy. Just a thought

Ishani · 25/04/2011 12:03

Interestingly we are on 2/3 of the OP's salary and have three in private education, you save beforehand, space them out and budget.
We also run two cars and have at least one foreign holiday a year.
Some people must have holes in their pockets.

Giselle99 · 25/04/2011 12:57

As no two people have exactly the same background/current circumstances/finances/emotional resources etc, only the OP and her partner/husband can decide if the benefits of another child outweigh their anxieties. And I don't buy the "children are better off with siblings" argument - I have siblings and would have been a million times happier in childhood, adolescence and even now in adulthood had I been an only child, preferably with no father as mine was a ghastly bully who preferred one sibling to all the other "also-rans". Of course although I would have been happier and less fucked up in the head had that been the case, I'm sure I'd constantly be wishing I had siblings and a father... It's natural to miss what you didn't/don't have.

BikeRunSki · 25/04/2011 20:28

Hecate I know exactly where you and your 34 rolls of toilet roll are coming from.

onceamai · 26/04/2011 07:50

I get where Hecate is coming from but not where ETALB is coming from or for that matter Ishani.

porcamiseria · 26/04/2011 08:30

I am slapping you into reality!!!!! you are very secure financially, so have another!!!

porcamiseria · 26/04/2011 08:32

I do think you sound a bit obsessed with $£$£$ though, despite your upbringing its not the b all and end all

but I dont think you will change your view on that.

Original poster
firsttimemum77 · 26/04/2011 09:13

Thank you all for your responses. There's a lot of food for thought there. I am really shocked that preps in some areas are so expensive. I'm sure there's really expensive ones around here too but I haven't looked. The private prep my DC will be starting this September is £2500 per term, so the monthly cost is near abouts the same as we currently pay for her nursery.

Like I said in my OP we chose the school solely for the wrap around care it provides - obviously we won't have to use the holiday clubs etc every holiday, but knowing it's available to us is really important for us.

Someone said something about how hard/tiring it is for children at nursery / before after school clubs. My DC absolutely loves nursery and has learnt so much since being there. She had been off over the Easter bank hol and is off with me today and tomorrow but has constantly been asking me when she is going back to nursery! So I know she enjoys it and so you won't be able to upset me or make me feel guilty about that.

Another poster said she earn 3 x what DH and I do and couldn't afford to send her 2 children to private. Our outgoings (currently) are tiny. Our mortgage is only £330pm (bought house in 1999 just before prices went up) so had a very small mortgage to start with and are now enjoying the low interest rates. And like i said before private school fees seem to differ hugely based on areas.

The Borough I live in is very very popular for it's schools and due to this buying a house in a catchment area, unless you buy it ontop of the school, will not guarantee you a place - seriously, people miss out by 0.1 of a mile. Our current catchment primary does not have a before and after school
Club. I know my DC and know she will do well at either state or private so the reason to choose private was not 'because I want my child to go private'. In fact we have been offered a state school (I applied as back up) and I have accepted whilst I investigate alternative childcare etc. However, it seems a nanny/CM will cost near enough the prep school fee anyway - so makes more sense to send to the prep.

Someone else mentioned savings. Yes, we are lucky that we have savings behind us (due to my finance controlling nature) a substantial amount that I say, by own reckoning is more than we need for a rainy day! And once we sell our current house we will have enough equity in here and enough for a good deposit in savings to not have to take out a crippling mortgage.

Having read everyones responses and thoughts and having some of my own before I posted and after reading I just want to say thank you for giving me so much to think about and for slapping me into reality. I do have to let go of the past and move forward. I am not my parents!

After having spoken to DH we have decided to go for it and what will be will be ...

OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimemum77 · 26/04/2011 09:18

Ishani - how many years gap between your children?
Trust me we dont have holes in our pockets, I save save save and due toy past am able to put away my salary in savings each month and we live on DH's. I know that's a very fortunate position, but because I am so scared of what happened with my parents might happen to us I like to see the ££££ in savings and feel 'secure'. I know I have to let go of this and i a
trying, hence posting on AIBU.

OP posts: