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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a bit of a pash with DP in front of our kids?

108 replies

washnomore · 23/04/2011 11:27

We're fairly affectionate when we're not throttling each other and we'll quite often have an impromptu snog/grope in passing. It's fine to do this, right? Sometimes DP gets his hands everywhere and I sort of worry that it's wrong to expose the DC to it. Don't know really - it's not like we're shagging on the kitchen table or anything but we wouldn't be so overt in front of friends for example. Thoughts?

OP posts:
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 23/04/2011 11:58

Not exactly, dittany. I'm not married, and we both enjoy touching one another in an affectionate and occasionally mildly sexual way when we are relaxing at home. Who squeezes who and where is fairly random. Instigation of touch is approx a 50/50 split, and the enjoyment is mutual. The atmosphere here is generally relaxed and happy.

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 11:59

I recall my dad squeezing my mum's boobs once in a while. We all "Eeeeeeeeeeew!"ed at them but it was always in a comedy/playful/affectionate context rather than a sexual one and involved my mum flicking him away with a tea towel or something and it never felt awkward. I didn't grow up thinking it was OK for that sort of thing to happen in other situations.

OP posts:
dittany · 23/04/2011 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 12:05

Honestly dittany, it wasn't a thing. In fact it still happens now and they're nearly 60! I think the Eeeeew! comes because that's an expected part of the joke, IYSWIM? Probably not ...

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 23/04/2011 12:07

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MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 23/04/2011 12:08

I remember being shocked when I went away with a friends' family to see her Mum and Dad holding hands on the beach. I had never seen Mums and Dads do that before. I don't think I've ever seen DP's parents touch each other either.

Yet in our relationship, we do a lot of touching, and are happy with that. We did not set out to have a 'lots of touch' policy when we became parents, I've not thought about it much until now. We kiss and we hug a lot, and DD sees us doing so as part of family life. I do not want to change that.

dittany · 23/04/2011 12:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 12:14

I just wondered if this is how it is in other people's family lives. Did I think it was U? Possibly - there's a line, which everyone draws for themselves, and maybe my line is miles away from yours but it's still there. I feel confident about what I wouldn't do in front of the DC. Some of what I feel is OK, you think is wrong. I was just interested in the discussion. I don't feel warped or abused or damaged in any way. I hope my DC won't either. But if nobody else ever snogs the father of their children then I'll probably stop doing it.

OP posts:
ItsCHEEKYTime · 23/04/2011 12:15

awww i find it cute, me and DH are like that :)

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 12:16

dittany "You've grown up thinking it's OK to do it in front of children though haven't you?

What do you think your "Ewwwwww" was about if it wasn't discomfort? And why was your mum flicking him away?"

Can you explain a bit more about what you were getting at with this post? I'm not spoiling for a fight or anything, really, but I'm interested if you're drawing conclusions about the state of my parents' relationship and its effects on me.

OP posts:
onagar · 23/04/2011 12:19

Half the world lives/sleeps in one room and until relatively recently that would have been all of the world.

dreamingofromance · 23/04/2011 12:20

Im confused about this breast squeezing.

dittany · 23/04/2011 12:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingofromance · 23/04/2011 12:22

Is it like a "honk honk" kind of squeeze?
I would see that as an invasion of personal space and as a little disrespectful to women. I mean, would you cup his balls in front of the kids?

GitAwfMayLend · 23/04/2011 12:26

Me and DP kiss and cuddle, but I would draw the line at boob groping tbh. DD is a teenager and would be scandalised.

lol at 'a bit of a pash'. Is the OP PG Wodehouse Grin

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 23/04/2011 12:27

Actually I sometimes do a pretend 'honk honk' squeeze on HIM, from behind, for my own amusement.....there is absolutely nothing to honk!

He never does that to me. The only time breasts are generally involved is when we're having a nice kiss and DD happens to walk in - as I said we wouldn't set out to do that in front of a DC. But the rest is OK for us.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 23/04/2011 12:28

It depends largely on whether or not you see breast groping as definitively indicative of some kind of malaise or ownership or terrible thing or whatever it is that's hinted at by your Sad face further up thread.

My nieces say 'ewwwwwwww' when dh says I love you. I'm sure they don't think it's 'wrong', they're being disgusted that really ancient 30yr olds still have feelings beyond 'ooh scrabble'. I playfully flick at him with a tea towel when he tickles me or jokes that we should sod the washing up and go on a bike ride. It's playful. DD laughs when we do it. Or when dh flicks me with a towel when I tease him about how he stacks plates.

I think you can read all sorts of things into all sorts of behaviour but you're only ever guessing/projecting at best.

And dh doesn't grope my breasts as I don't like it. FIL does it to MIL occasionally though and she laughs and hugs him and tells him she loves him. Or she swats him away with a laugh or she pats his bottom or she chases him round the house. They just respond to each other in the ways they feel appropriate at that time. In this there are no 'rules' so to speak. Beyond the obvious. There are things we probably all agree on that fall into the definitely inappropriate around children or anybody else for that matter.

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 12:30

"How does it benefit children to see their mother's breasts being groped by their father?"

It doesn't. But everything I do in my life is not done to benefit my kids. If something disadvantaged or damaged them then of course I wouldn't do it. But I don't actively choose to do only things which has a benefit for them.

This boob-squeeze is hard to describe. I can really understand the disrespectful undertones which some are identifying, but there is no disrespect in the situation I describe. I cannot think of an example of a man who has more respect for a woman than my dad does for my mum. He adores and cherishes her. He's absolutely not possessive, abusive, domineering, aggressive, disrespectful or any of things which the action of a boob-sqeeze could suggest. It's a simple, playful gesture of affection.

OP posts:
dreamingofromance · 23/04/2011 12:31

As an A cup, I cant imagine a boob squeeze. I shall continue to imagine a "honk honk"

QuintEggSentialPaints · 23/04/2011 12:43

It is unreasonable in that it is teaching your children that a womans body, especially her breasts is a free for all. Not a lesson I would teach neither young boys, nor girls.

I am surprised you dont see this.

I have no problems with hugs, kisses, strokes and affection, but not explicit sexual undertones. That I find rather seedy.

I just have to ask, is your children watching the groping part of the thrill? If so, alarm bells.

FrumpyPumpy · 23/04/2011 12:44

But it's not just boob groping, chest groping was mentioned. If both are doing it then is that not different?

dittany · 23/04/2011 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 23/04/2011 12:47

I don't see my breasts as sexual at all (hence not groping in any situation). But do you automatically say the same if a woman pats her husband's bottom? Is that sexual? Is that saying a man's body is a free for all? I like dh's forearms. I stroke them sometimes, without thought most of the time. I'm not using him or assuming he's a piece of meat. I'm being physically affectionate. I think FIL just likes MIL's breasts. I don't find it seedy at all.

I wouldn't do it as I said, but I'm not sure I can go as far as to say it's unreasonable/inappropriate with any certainty.

EllenJane1 · 23/04/2011 12:51

Some very repressed people on this thread! DH and I have a kid and a cuddle and maybe a bottom slap (both of us), but we'd probably leave boob gropes for the bedroom. But that is just how it is for us. You do what you are comfortable with, OP. I'm really pleased for you that you still have a pash for your DH. [busmile]

QuintEggSentialPaints · 23/04/2011 12:53

Turtles, if you go into your local newsagent and look at the selection of mags, you hardly see womens forearms or ankles on display, but breasts, so I think your view upon your own breasts as non-sexual is not a view that is shared by most, not in this culture at least.

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