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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a bit of a pash with DP in front of our kids?

108 replies

washnomore · 23/04/2011 11:27

We're fairly affectionate when we're not throttling each other and we'll quite often have an impromptu snog/grope in passing. It's fine to do this, right? Sometimes DP gets his hands everywhere and I sort of worry that it's wrong to expose the DC to it. Don't know really - it's not like we're shagging on the kitchen table or anything but we wouldn't be so overt in front of friends for example. Thoughts?

OP posts:
forwantofabetter1 · 23/04/2011 11:34

Sounds similar to our house.
I think its perfectly normal, ok and healthy for the children to see this. I grew up in a house with a lot of public displays of affection for instance my Dad rarely passed my Mum without smacking her arse playfully or giving her a kiss and would often tell us kids how lovely our Mum was and that he fancied her to bits. It always made me feel really secure and happy especially as so many of my friends parents seemed to be constantly on the brink of divorce!

atswimtwolengths · 23/04/2011 11:35

I don't think you should do more than hug or kiss on the cheek when children are around. Why do you think they want to see their dad groping their mum?

You say you wouldn't be as overt in front of friends, who presumably are adults, yet you are in front of children. How can you justify that?

Oh and if you are rowing then making up, it's not a good example of how to live, either, IMO.

dreamingofromance · 23/04/2011 11:35

No. I actually HATE snogging.

atswimtwolengths · 23/04/2011 11:35

The OP's husband saying his wife is gorgeous is one thing, forwant, it's another thing if he's groping her.

dittany · 23/04/2011 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairylights · 23/04/2011 11:37

A kiss and cuddle is fine but sexual groping is a BIG no no. Kids really don't want to see that.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 23/04/2011 11:40

I think there's a world of possibilities in between a hug/kiss on the cheek and full on groping though.

I grew up in a house where my parents only pecked each other on the cheek. And it was miserable, cold and made me feel like physical affection was something to be ashamed of.

DH's parents kiss, cuddle, stroke, smooch, dance, playfully smack each other on the bottom, make the odd suggestive comment etc and their house is full of love and happiness.

I think if you're stifling a natural inclination towards somebody you love then that gives a harsher unspoken message than a quick cuddle and a kiss as a break from the washing up.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 23/04/2011 11:41

If YABU then so am I and we're just the same. Only without the throttling bit, we're like this all the time and don't fight much. I hadn't really thought about it until now.

I think the ' in front of friends' thing is a bit different though - goes for a lot of things. Wouldn't use the loo in front of a friend or bathe with them or wipe their bums or sleep in the same bed, carry them, get dressed in front of them, etc, all of which you probably do at some stage with DCs. The relationship is a much more physically intimate one.

I'm not sure if it's reasonable or not but I don't think we'll stop doing it.

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 23/04/2011 11:41

I was responding to atswim btw. My point being that you can be physically affectionate beyond a peck on the cheek and a hug without it being sexual.

dittany · 23/04/2011 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IslaValargeone · 23/04/2011 11:44

We are affectionate in front if dc, with the odd bum cheek pinch thrown in, but not gropey or full on snoggy.

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 11:44

Hmm. Seem IABU on balance. I know what you mean about security forwant. My parents were like this, playful and jokey but very affectionate. It made me happy.

atswim, don't you think it's important for kids to see how adults disagree and fall out but then resolve things? I've tended to think it's important that they see both ends of an argument.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 23/04/2011 11:45

No to groping, yes to a kiss.

Salmotrutta · 23/04/2011 11:47

Hmm - I remember getting very embarassed around 12-13 or so when I saw Dad cuddling Mum, grabbing her to sit on his knee or playfully smacking her bum. I think it was more about my age though and being mortified by the though that my parents might still "do it" if that makes sense?

I doubt if that's very helpful OP Grin

atswimtwolengths · 23/04/2011 11:48

I do think that, washnomore, but I don't think kids like there to be high drama all the time, if that's what it is.

Kissing, hugging, etc is not only fine, it's great within a family. But sexual displays, no. It's just not appropriate.

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 11:48

Ok, to clarify. "In front of kids" means a nearly 4 year old and a baby who might be in another room, or busily playing or something. We don't sit them down and make them watch or anything! If he catches us the eldest takes great delight in separating us and demanding "everybody cuddles". Groping means an arse-squeeze or a bum-slap or a (playful rather than sexual) boob-grope.

OP posts:
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 23/04/2011 11:49

dittany - usually bums Blush and general hugging, back stroking, knee-pit tickling, etc. We often lay on the sofa with our head on each other's torso, or in the crook of the arm, on the floor in between the others' legs etc.... kiss as we pass each other, stroking the backs of each others' necks, hair, and so on. Very occasionally there may be a chest or boob grope, but we wouldn't set out to do that on purpose in front of DC.

forwantofabetter1 · 23/04/2011 11:50

By groping (not the greatest of words) I would interpret a bit of a squeeze /pat/pinch on the backside or even maybe the odd boob squeeze !
None of which I wouldnt do infront of friends either may I add. Would also lie together sunbathing but thats usually interupted by one of the boys shouting "Family Pile ON!!!"

TottWriter · 23/04/2011 11:50

When your DC are old enough to tell you to get a room, maybe tone it down unless you want hounding. Until then, what's the harm? All they are learning is that Mummy and Daddy love each other and are affectionate to each other. IMO, that's a healthy thing.

Personally, I'd feel uncomfortable snogging lots in front of the DC, but then my parents divorced and I didn't grow up around it. Hugs and kisses were there, but only in their parent to child form.

dittany · 23/04/2011 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
washnomore · 23/04/2011 11:51

The throttling each other thing was a joke (evidently a failed one) - there isn't regular "high drama". But nor do we hide disagreements, unless they're going to be particularly heated.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 23/04/2011 11:52

:o at " Family pile on" I think that's lovely!

cryhavoc · 23/04/2011 11:52

We're both quite tactile, lots of cuddles and kisses. DD is only 3 though, so we rarely manage a cuddle without her running up demanding to join us in a 'family cuddle'. So then she is lifted up and covered in kisses.

I don't think there's anything the matter with it unless the child feels uncomfortable.

dittany · 23/04/2011 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingofromance · 23/04/2011 11:56

Ew, we are affectionate but there is a line