To have had enough of DH doing exactly as pleases all the time, bugger anyone else

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

Self-explanatory title really.

DH and I have 3 children, aged 12, 6 and almost 2. The 2 year old is at the age where he is into everything and needs to be watched most of the time. DH spent all day yesterday making a shed-type construction in the garden to store his stuff in (he had yesterday off work as well as today). It isn't an essential and he literally got up, got dressed, and spent the day in the garden, leaving me to do everything for the kids, housework, cook meals, etc. I never have the option of getting up, sorting myself out and then going out somewhere or doing something that I need/want to do that doesn't involve the kids.

Again this morning he was up, dressed himself, leaving me to sort out the younger children (obviously DC1 sorts themself out). I did breakfasts, cleaned the kitchen, did washing, hung washing out, sorted clothes out for DC2, dressed DC3, tidied, made beds etc. In this time he just sat in the garden. After him sitting there all morning I asked him to feed DC3 his lunch and was genuinely put out that he should have to do this. I then had to nip up the shop and said to DH I was leaving the 2 youngest with him. I was gone 10 minutes. When I got back they were in the garden and DH was asleep on the bench and the youngest was covered in mud and had been playing with tiny bits of gravel that he could easily have put in his mouth. DH didn't see the problem at all. I then had to sit outside and look after DC3 as DH just carried on sleeping.

If ever I do anything or have to go anywhere, DH just puts his needs first. If I go to the gym at the weekend (gone for a maximum of 1 hour), DH will just be laying on the sofa whilst DC3 trashes the place or gets lots of cereal out of the kitchen cupboards or whatever. He will stick DC3 in the playpen and go off and have soak in the bath, or will go off upstairs and play his guitar. He seems to think that as long as he's in the vicinity he doesn't have to watch the children. He also won't do anything for them. If he puts the youngest 2 to bed he won't bath them or make sure they've done their teeth, he literally just puts them in bed and then thinks he's worked really hard. He won't interact with any of the children and doesn't seem to enjoy their company, all he is interested in is what he wants to.

I am getting very fed up with it all; I try to talk to him but he just pulls faces like a child and says "whatever". I am getting to the stage now where I am just going to permanently be "off" with him and start striking and not doing anything for him or in the house, just look after the children. He sees the children as my job, and if he looks after them it's as if he's choosing to do me a favour. He thinks he can just pick and choose when he wants to be a father.

I'm going to have to do something about it Cargirl....

I don't think passive-aggressive games, going on strike, nagging are going to work on this type of man.

You need to give him an ultimatum -- shape up or ship out.

BUT -- you have to mean it. It doesn't sound like you feel that way yet.

Please, don't settle for this kind of life -- for you or your children. It must be obvious to them that Dad can't be bothered to be a dad anymore, and that's a really horrible feeling to grow up with.

Oh OP I really feel for you. His behaviour is beyond awful and he needs the bigest kick up the arse you can muster. Unfortunately I have friends with partners like this. It seems that some people just really struggle with the fact that once you have children you life changes forever, and unfortunately as women are usually the primary caregivers, the men can easily start to live like a child free teenager again given the chance.

I'm very lucky as my DH is great, but even then I need to remind him to do things alot of the time, like making sure DS's teeth are cleaned, or his hands washed before eating. a couple of weeks ago he looked after DS for the whole day pretty much alone as I felt ill. When we undressed him for his bath that night we realised that his (only wet!) nappy hadn't been changed since the morning!!! He'd just forgotten, though if DS had had a poo he would have changed it as soon as he smelt it. So even the really good ones need a nudge, but that's all they should need. DH wouldn't dream (or dare) to behave like your DH.

Friends have tried to shift the balance a bit by giving their partners specific roles or duties that they have to fulfil, ie every sunday dad gets up, makes breakfast and takes the kids to the park. Or they do the bath every night.

The suggestion about writing the list is a good one. Then it's in black and white and facts are harder to argue against. There is no respect there at the moment and this needs to change asap. But you need to stay calm, factual, and be totally honest with him about how this will essentially ruin your relationship if things don't change.

Good luck

Frazzled I thought this was about me. My H (no D!) is the same. Right now he is "out" dont know where and dont care cos the DCs and I are having a nice time without him. He was trying to butter me up earlier for a "bit of fun" later and I told him to clear off. I'm recovering from a virus so I'm tired most of the time. I've been up since 7, done a load of jobs before he decided to get up at 10.30 as the kids were making noise outside and woke him up - poor baby.
When I went to the hairdressers on Tuesday he took the 3 kids to his mum's "as she wanted to see them".
There is a dent in the settee where he lies and his argument as to why he wont help with bath bed etc is "cos he was at work all day". Well I work 3 days and have just started as an agent for home sales too.
It is fast becoming a dealbreaker with us too but my DC's see it and they know from their friends etc that this isnt normal for dads not to do anything. My DS is almost 3 and does more tidying etc than that waste of space.
Once he spat his dummy and wouldnt come to Ireland with us. He thought I would drive around the block and come back for him. I didnt and had a lovely time without him and, better than that, showed him up to my family. The best part was when I came back 1st thing his mum said was "You told him you didnt want him to come thats why he didnt!" I replied that I had told him to suit himself which he had done and I wasnt about to beg a 37 yr old man if he didnt want to go! She soon shut up.

I am sorry for rambling on but my stance is to carry on around him as if he isnt there. My H gets a bit jealous when he hears we are going out and he isnt included. Oh and dont do anything for him - no laundry no food etc. If he doesnt want to be part of your family dont treat him like he is. He doesnt deserve it!

It really is isn't it. Most parents have days when they struggle to muster any enthusiasm for routine task but to never want to do anything for or with your spouse or dc is just tragic

what happycamper said. there is no reason for you to run round after him, he can cook his own food, wash his own clothes, etc. You've got enough to do. Who the hell does he think he is, to treat you like a servant?

I am speechless. He sounds incredibly selfish, lazy and childish. What sort of relationship does he have with his children? It cannot be terrific if he is this 'hands off'. he takes no responsibility for them. I cannot believe he is incapable of taking care of their needs in your absence. Is he a man or a school boy?

As for your marriage, well...it sounds very lonely and like hard work for you . The fact he says 'well at least I don't do X, Y and Z like Dave down the road' is pathetic and quite worrying. Some men beat their wives. Doe that mean you should be grateful he doesn't hit you?

I also cannot believe he rolls his eyes and says 'whatever' when you try to have an adult conversation with him about the share of childcare and housework in your home? Unbelievable.

I feel angry on your behalf, OP.

OP, you said he's only been like this for 12-18 months, and your youngest is 2. Did anything 'big' happen during the early months?

I had one like that except he showed his resentment very actively, taking out his frustrations on the children. If I went out I would return to a clean and neat house, children fed, etc., but everyone sitting very silently on the couch staring at the tv looking grim and shaken. He did housework as if he was a human tornado, with everyone clearing out of his way as fast as they could. I felt I could never leave them alone with him. There was cursing and yelling and slapping going on in my absence. He is now my ex and good riddance.

You are dealing with a more passive side of the same coin. Your H clearly resents everything in his life that signifies adulthood and responsibility and the whole "whatever" business, the 'shed for my stuff' and guitar thing is beyond pathetic for a grown man to be indulging in. But it is also a signal that he has checked out of your family life and also out of his relationship with you, or is in serious danger of doing this. I agree it's time to end the empty threats. Whether you opt for insisting on a trial separation or insist that the two of you go to Relate or some other counselling is up to you to choose, but empty threats will get you nowhere -- try to vent in another way.

I wonder since this is a fairly new phenomenon if your H has taken up smoking pot or something of that nature? Or if there's something else going on in his life that is more appealing than taking care of his children and nurturing his relationship with you.

gah x post

i had one like this and had 4 dcs and a full time job.I was a drudge with no life of my own,he repayed me by cheating on me.Dont do it

with my new and improved dh i just get on and do what i want to do (within reason) i am fair but have realised the mistakes i made before which was to do it all myself thus not allowing dh1 to work it out for himself.
dd2 10wks has a few special needs and regular meds,it has been hard not to do it all myself but i resisted and dh is as capable as me of caring for her leaving me free to enjoy some time to myself or with the other dcs or even to sleep.it will be easier for me to go back to work and she would be well looked after if i died or became ill.

I think you should start with small things like more gym trips and let him learn to look after his childrenmore an more untill its common place.

show him this thread

he's actually not that unusual....many,many threads on here in the sae vein

you wont change him
he wont change

this is him..

notahappycamper-i like your style,wish id thought of that,i only did it once he had left-he told me i was boring-i took 3 dcs travelling the world alone for 3 months a month after he left-me boring?

Sounds like he still thinks he's 14. Tell you what though, a person will only treat you like this IF you allow it. I refuse to be treated like a doormat, therefore I get treated well. I'd tell him to get fucked.

he gets away with it because he knows youll do it

go away for a few days

OK - well everytime his arse hits a seat ask him to do something, let him leave. You will either be happier or you can work on your relationship while he grows up somewhere else for a bit. You can't carry on like this, he doesn't give a shit about you right now.

Hmmmm, well it's been a bit of a strained 3 days, to say the least.

He's helped out a little bit but only when asked/prompted and he huffs constantly when he's doing things. He has also continued to bugger off and do whatever he wants, when he wants. For example I cooked tea tonight, he moaned because it wasn't cooked how he wanted it cooked, ate his with a sullen look on his face, threw a handful of plates in the dishwasher and then off he goes to walk the dog. He seems to be walking the dog 3 or more times a day, presumably to get out of doing things as dog walk time always coincides with things like tidying up after tea, or the little ones' bathtimes.

Yesterday we went to visit some family members and he just lay there and fell asleep in the garden, again leaving me to look after the kids. When we ate, he just sorted himself out and left me to sort the younger children out. He also kept slagging me off in front of family members, sort of taking the pee out of me but in a nasty way and when I tackled him on it he said "Oh she's so defensive isn't she?". This afternoon a friend of mine visited who has a DD the same age as my DD2, and I said to DH that perhaps he could watch the baby whilst I chatted with my friend and the girls played. He acted all dejected and when she arrived he wouldn't talk to her. he tried putting the baby in the playpen and going off to do his own thing but I pulled him up on it and he made a big thing of taking the baby out in the car and saying "We're not wanted here".

Grrrrrrrrrr

Hmm - grumpy, snappy, huffy, detaching, buggering off to do as he pleases ... walking the dog a lot. Any chance he's having an affair?

'Helped out a little bit' - it's not bloody 'helping' it's called parenting and doing your share of the shit that needs doing. GIT.

What do you want to do about it?

3 pages of posts and no-one's explicitly mentioned feminism yet - why not?

Although reading about OP's husband makes me feel like feminism never happened. Really really really depressing.

Does your husband agree that you have equal responsibility for parenting the children?

Does your husband agree that you have equal rights to leisure time away from childcare responsibilities?

From what you say it sounds like you've got vastly different ideas on these two points. Your choices essentially are a) to thrash these out to a conclusion which is either a closer agreement on the above, or one of you leaving, or b) to put up with a situation which for you IMO is hugely unrewarding, unbalanced and unfair.

I am not the type to shout 'leave him' on here. I really don't. I believe marriages should be worked on. However I am struggling to understand why the hell you are with this man.
A partner is someone who makes your life better, easier, more enjoyable. I don't see him doing this for you. I am a SAHM. I actively look froward to the weekends because they are so much more enjoyable with two parents around. My kids do too. They love having their Dad at home. Do your kids even notice if he is there? Is there not way more tension in the house when he is around?
If this were me, I would be telling him that this is make or break. I would say that he either comes to counselling to work out these issues or he leaves. You have tried talking to you and he just ignores you so counselling seems to be the best option. If he refuses to do that then he is not serious about you or your relationship.
I wonder though as someone said above, if this is a more recent development, is there someone else involved because he certainly seems to be checking out of your family life?

DOes he have any good points?
Any real reason to stay with him?

OP my H was exactly the same, which is why he is now my EXH.

I got to the point where I realised that, hard as it might be, being a lone parent to 3DCs had to be easier than staying in a marriage with 4DCs.

It doesn't sound like he likes you very much tbh. He knows it makes you unhappy and doesn't care.

You might as well divorce him. It doesn't sound like he interacts with his children at all anyway. You do all the childcare as it is, if you were divorced at least you wouldn't have to 'childcare' him as well. That's how I would put it to him.

I think he needs the riot act read to him.
He needs to pull his socks up or leave.