To have had enough of DH doing exactly as pleases all the time, bugger anyone else

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

Self-explanatory title really.

DH and I have 3 children, aged 12, 6 and almost 2. The 2 year old is at the age where he is into everything and needs to be watched most of the time. DH spent all day yesterday making a shed-type construction in the garden to store his stuff in (he had yesterday off work as well as today). It isn't an essential and he literally got up, got dressed, and spent the day in the garden, leaving me to do everything for the kids, housework, cook meals, etc. I never have the option of getting up, sorting myself out and then going out somewhere or doing something that I need/want to do that doesn't involve the kids.

Again this morning he was up, dressed himself, leaving me to sort out the younger children (obviously DC1 sorts themself out). I did breakfasts, cleaned the kitchen, did washing, hung washing out, sorted clothes out for DC2, dressed DC3, tidied, made beds etc. In this time he just sat in the garden. After him sitting there all morning I asked him to feed DC3 his lunch and was genuinely put out that he should have to do this. I then had to nip up the shop and said to DH I was leaving the 2 youngest with him. I was gone 10 minutes. When I got back they were in the garden and DH was asleep on the bench and the youngest was covered in mud and had been playing with tiny bits of gravel that he could easily have put in his mouth. DH didn't see the problem at all. I then had to sit outside and look after DC3 as DH just carried on sleeping.

If ever I do anything or have to go anywhere, DH just puts his needs first. If I go to the gym at the weekend (gone for a maximum of 1 hour), DH will just be laying on the sofa whilst DC3 trashes the place or gets lots of cereal out of the kitchen cupboards or whatever. He will stick DC3 in the playpen and go off and have soak in the bath, or will go off upstairs and play his guitar. He seems to think that as long as he's in the vicinity he doesn't have to watch the children. He also won't do anything for them. If he puts the youngest 2 to bed he won't bath them or make sure they've done their teeth, he literally just puts them in bed and then thinks he's worked really hard. He won't interact with any of the children and doesn't seem to enjoy their company, all he is interested in is what he wants to.

I am getting very fed up with it all; I try to talk to him but he just pulls faces like a child and says "whatever". I am getting to the stage now where I am just going to permanently be "off" with him and start striking and not doing anything for him or in the house, just look after the children. He sees the children as my job, and if he looks after them it's as if he's choosing to do me a favour. He thinks he can just pick and choose when he wants to be a father.

Perhaps you should point out that you'd be better off as a single parent as that way you would get every other weekend off and not have to clear up after his parenting.

Is it a dealbreaker for you? If it is then you need to tell him so.

I don't think it's a dealbreaker right now, Cargirl,but I think it could be if it continues.

You mean you have gone out, come back and the children have not been fed and the baby has dried on poo on the bum and one of them has fallen down the stairs? Or has he been like it while you are in, making you feel like you can't trust him to care for them?

Because leaving it all to you while you are around is idle. If you are saying that should you go out and leave him alone with them, he would neglect them to the extent of failing to feed them, failing to keep them safe from harm and failing to take care of their personal care needs, then that is no loling matter. At all.

My Ex was like that, that's why he's my EX.

He was great with DS and with DD to begin with, but it almost seemed like he felt, i've done this once and now I can't be bothered with DD ie taking to the park, reading bedtime stories, giving her quality play time.

I could see ( although it did take me a while) that his own self importance and happiness far outweighed the DC's or mine!!

I wish you luck Frazzled

I'd "break" the tv, I think.

I think DH is marginally better than yours - he probably would feed DS, because DS is vocal enough to demand food - and he would sort him out loo-wise, but do as little as possible.
Last time I went out for a couple of hours, I left DS nappyless (he's still not quite potty-trained) and DH KNEW that, he was in the room watching while DS chose which pants to wear and DH gave his opinion on the colour. But he had done SFA towards making sure that DS didn't wee on the floor, so of course he did.
DH's contribution was to take his wet clothes off him and let him sit on the potty (bit late for that, mate) but he made no effort to find or clean up the wet patch on the rug. Thank goodness I came home shortly afterwards (5mins) so the patch was still damp enough to find, or it would have stunk the place out!

Don't do the whole "lol" after your comments about his crappness. It's not funny that you can't trust him to do the basics. If I were you I'd still go out knowing these things. The dc arent going to come to any real harm and possibly, over time, he might improve. At least that way you get some freedom.

Hec, I dont' really leave them with him unless it's the evening when the baby is in bed. The 6 year old and 12 year old are of course old enough to do things for themself if he's being useless.

Those things have only happened when I've been home. No one's fallen down the stairs, I just notice the stairgate has been left open by DH and shut it myself. But he never thinks to give them lunch or to change DS's nappy. DD1 has some friends round today so I had 6 children to get lunch for including my own and he wouldn't help at all, just lay in the garden.

Well you need to tell him that if he doesn't change then the love you feel for him is going to continue to erode.

I would tell him calmly, ask him for suggestions as to how to improve the situation and then tell him you won't nag about it but if their is no change then you are not going maintain the status quo.

have been separated from my husband now for 2 years- behaviour like this was the main one. I now have 2 children to look after instead of 3 & life is so much easier.

He laid in the garden whilst you looked after 6 children and made them lunch. I dont care who says I am living in a near perfect world but there is no way my dh would do this. It's piss poor behaviour. I hope you didnt make him lunch.

CarGirl - it would be a deal breaker for me! I'd sooner be a single parent than deal with that on a daily basis. I would tell him that this is it, the end of the road - that you have had enough of his childlike attitude to life and it stops now or he moves out.

It doesn't sound like he parents with you, or like he cares about you or the children.... what are you getting out of this relationship?

Oh, here's one thing I do - if I notice DH hasn't done something he should have (e.g. in your case, shut the stairgate) - even if I'm standing right by it, I won't do it myself - I shout at him to come and do it. He sometimes does it with good grace, sometimes swears about it, sometimes swears AT me about it but he mostly does it.

In today's scenario, I would have sent all the children out to play in the garden while I made lunch. And in the one where you came home and he continued to sleep in the garden, leaving you to watch your DC3, I think handing DC3 the hose would have been a perfect riposte. And yes, that is what I would have done - DS knows perfectly well what to do with a hose

Sorry the first bit was to cargirl, the rest to Frazzled.

Make a list, detailing every single thing you have done during the day. Present it to him. Compare it with his day. Ask him to justify what's fair about the division of labour.

Rainbow, no I definitely didn't make him lunch

He doesn't have to think about their needs though, does he? Cos you do it all.

That's your problem.

If you look in the mirror, you'll probably see the word MUG written on your forehead.

It's down to you to change it. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you want change, then make it happen. Give him a choice. If doing nothing means more to him than you do, then you've lost nothing, have you? at the moment, he probably thinks you're moaning. Nagging. Blowing hot air. All talk. Whatever.

Make him see you mean business.

Unless you don't, of course. In which case, I don't really see how you can change things.

I have said to him several times in the past month that if things don't improve then I'll take the children and leave. He says that he will leave if I dont' stop trying to get him to do things when he's relaxing

Oh, and tell him that you are losing respect for him,due to his behaviour.

And that you cannot be physically attracted to a man who treats you like a servant and won't pull his weight.

If he doesn't care about either of those things, then I think you've got a problem.

He's sounding more and more like a prick.

hecate is right. Nagging him isnt going to make any changes and things will just continue. You have to really mean it.

frazzled my ex used to be like this. I do actually know quite a few men like this [and also one mother].
When it comes down to it you have the choice of
A/ do everything yourself. Children do need to be cared for to an acceptable standard, therefore going on strike is not an option. However you can refuse to do things specifically for him. This is what I used to do. It didn't actually bother me, and I am the one who has the closest relationship with the children as a result.
B/ Give him an ultimatum, he either changes or you split up. Of course you have to go through with this. As another poster said, life as a single parent can actually be easier sometimes.
Good luck OP.

X-post.

I think you should say "fine. Go. If all you care about is relaxing and you are happy to see me running myself ragged and you don't care if I NEVER get to relax, then go. Because you clearly don't give a shit about me."

Thing is, either he cares or he doesn't. If he's being a lazy sod but he loves you, then he'll change. If he would really leave you rather than change nappies and make a few meals then oh my god what are you doing wasting your life with this man?

So you've made empty threats.

Then you need to tell him that you both need time to relax and he needs to parent properly when you are not around OR are busy OR you both at home together.

Stop nagging, you need to explain and then follow through - ask him to leave and issue divorce proceedings.

You are letting him treat you awfully.

BTW thanks everyone for the replies. :-)

Are you actually going to do something about it or wait until you snap?