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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so cross about this?

103 replies

mckenzie · 22/04/2011 09:50

DS (9) has always had his hair cut fairly short (ie, no 3 all over or maybe No3 with no 2 at the sides). I've been saying for the last few years how I'd really like him to grow it a bit longer, see how it looks.

DH has been nagging me for ages to get his hair cut but DS and I (and I mean it, DS has genuinely told me that he likes it longer) have 1) not had the time during these holidays and 2) liked it a bit longer.

I have though made an appt for DS for next week with my friend who is a barber to help us decide on a style to aim for and to trim it up.

(if you're still with me, thank you!)

DH has taken the children out for breakfast this morning and I just called to ask him to pick something up for me and guess what? They are not having breakfast, they are in the barbers and DS now has a No 2 Sad.

I know it's only hair but I'm sad that DS, who was looking great with slightly longer hair is now going to look like an urchin again and I'm cross that DH would do that, knowing full well that i really really didn't want it done.

So come on, am I completely over reacting? I know it's just hair but..... {sad] Sad

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 23/04/2011 11:40

does your son like it?

id let it go now tbh, but id tell your DH that in future its up to your boy to decide how he wants his hair, and he should respect that.

Blu · 23/04/2011 11:43

yes, hair grows, but at 9 a boy is old enough to have quite strong views on his own hair, which should have been respected, and if he's being bullied / co-erced / eccouraged to do things that Dad knows Mum doesn't like on a boys trick behind her back / then whjile his hait will grow, his relationship with his dad will not. Or not in a way that shows equal respect for the women in the family.

Tell your DH not to be such a macho competitive arse by tuning his child's hair into a battleground of the sexes - all it does is make him look like he has something to prove.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 11:47

Vicar - would you really just let it go now? For me it's not about the hair, it's about the fact that he went behind her back to do it when he knew she didn't want it done and neither did his son. He said he was taking them out to breakfast and instead (or at least as well) he took him to the barbers to get done what he wanted done. It was a big 'fuck you' to both his wife and his son, what's more, it was a big 'fuck you' to his sons Mum. Where is the respect? That is what I'd be angry about (the hair as well but that's secondary as it will grow again).

ThatVikRinA22 · 23/04/2011 13:00

like i said, i would make it very clear that its up to their DS how he wants his hair, but yes, i would say my piece and let it go - whats the alternative? stew for a few weeks? not speak? stay angry? stick the hair back on? i agree that the lads dad was out of order, its up to the DS how he wants his hair.

but really - how far do you go to make the point?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/04/2011 13:33

ALL boys with hair that short look like little thugs. They may be delightful children, but they look like thugs.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 13:38

Well as I said, for me it's not about the hair so much, that will grow. I would want some understanding of the fact that I expect the person I am in a relationship with to respect me - not lie to me and go behind my back - not to just think 'fuck you, I want x so I'll do x' - I would want him to show me that he understand why I am hurt and angry. I really feel this affects the trust in a relationship. He knew what she wanted, they had talked about it - he just went and did what suited him behind her back, what else would he do without any care for her feelings?

(I am well aware it was just a haircut, but to me, this is about a LOT more than that).

thefurryone · 23/04/2011 13:59

Well Chipping if I was the DS in this instance I'd be totally confused about why my parents were fighting about my hair when I didn't think it was a particularly big deal. If they carried on fighting about it for weeks I'd get quite upset and wonder exactly what I'd done wrong and start to feel really bad about what I'd done to cause such bad feeling in my home. Is that the outcome you'd like to see in this situation? I just ask because it's the one you're encouraging.

You seem to be projecting a lot of your own issues on to this unnecessarily as the OP in her original post doesn't even appear to be quite as upset as you about this.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 14:18

thefurryone - what a lot of rubbish. Are you incapable of having a discussion with your other half without it involving your children? If they don't get this sorted out their DC will see The Man of the House over ruling The Woman of the House because HIS wish is paramount - is that what you would like to see, because that's what you are encouraging.

Feck off. I don't have any 'issues' other than the fact that I think he's treat her like shit on his shoe - just because she didn't write it doesn't mean that she either didn't think it or shouldn't have it pointed out to her.

exoticfruits · 23/04/2011 14:29

A breath of fresh air, the furryone. DS wasn't bothered about his hair-if it was me I would be totally bewildered about 2 (supposedly sensible)adults fighting to see who is boss!!! The only one who matters is DS who isn't bothered!

Blu · 23/04/2011 15:21

Did your DH KNOW that you and DS were planning to try a longer style?
Did your DH know you had the appt for next week?

If yes to both he was defintiely out of order. If not, you needed to have mentioned it to him, since he had been talking about the haircut.

I assume that you are NOT actually arguing about it in front of DS?

Original poster
mckenzie · 23/04/2011 17:01

the latest. Yes DH did know I was planning a longer style and that DS was happy with that, even if it wasn't actually his idea.
And yes he did know I had made appointments for both DS and DD for after the bank holiday weekend.

But, I am moving on. Although I agree that DH and I need to discuss the underlying issues I am not going to let it spoil the weekend or anything else for that matter. How upset can a mother get about her son's hair? I can't let DS see that I really really don't like it as he might then feel as if it's a reflection on how I feel about him and of course it isn't.

As it happens, DH and I are with Relate at the moment and I think this will be a topic for discussion at our next meeting.

Thanks again for all your posts.

OP posts:
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 23/04/2011 17:09

My 2 yo DS has beautiful long blond hair. DH wants it cut just because DS gets mistaken for a girl by strangers. I take it as a compliment.

If DH went behind my back and got DS' hair cut I'd kill him so YANBU.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/04/2011 17:25

So the OP asked if DS liked his hair long he said yes
Dad has asked DS if he wants his hair cut he said yes.

You ask him again and he says that he doesn't mind long or short.

Congrats to the both of you. You have already trapped your DS in the middle.

CheerfulYank · 23/04/2011 17:31

No, narkypuffin , they don't. My son's hair kicks up all over the place in curls and cowlicks when we let it grow and it's very untidy. I think it's odd to use gel and style a small child's hair, so we simply cut it off. In the summer we go shorter because it's very humid and hot where we live. He does not look like a thug; he looks like a lovely, sweet little boy with short hair. Which he is.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/04/2011 17:34

If it is cut with a razor it looks horrible. It just does.

CheerfulYank · 23/04/2011 17:37

It's cut very short all over with clippers.

cat64 · 23/04/2011 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

exoticfruits · 23/04/2011 18:28

Absolutely everything is irrelevant except DS who is 9 yrs old and should have his own opinion about his own hair.

Blu · 23/04/2011 18:30

Well done for managing your reaction - Relate sounds a very good place to air this, as an example of family dynamic.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/04/2011 22:05

Are you going to Relate because your H is already being a selfish bullying prick about various stuff, by any chance? Everything you have posted suggests a man who is determined to be the boss of the household and prepared to use underhand methods to make sure that he gets his own way, never mind how you or indeed your DC feel about it.

cat64 · 24/04/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/04/2011 00:11

Cat64: did you miss the bit about the OP and her DS wanting the DS hair longer, and it being only the H who was insisting that the hair should be cut? And that the H had been bleating about it for some time prior to him deciding to take matters into his own hands by lying to the OP - and the DS - about where he was taking the DS?

exoticfruits · 25/04/2011 07:17

If they have been making as much fuss at home as on here I expect that the DS is heartily sick of the subject! No one really knows what he thinks-I expect he is scared to say if both feel so strongly about his hair. Probably when he is a teenager he will chooose something they both hate and make it fair!!

kaid100 · 25/04/2011 07:40

I'm sort of in two minds about this one. When I read the part where you said "DH has been nagging me for ages to get [DC] hair cut..." my immediate thought was "Well why doesn't DH take him to the barbers instead if it bothers him so much?". Later I read that actually he did exactly that and you hated the result. There is clearly a difference in the hair you think looks nice and the hair he does. You started to like the look of longer hair and he doesn't, hence the nagging. Why not ask DS how he would like his hair, within reason?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 08:05

exoticfruits - do keep up. It is not about the hair.

Cat64 - and the bit where he knew they already had an appointment to get his hair cut?

McKenzie - I'm glad you are already going to relate, but frankly it's no suprise. I can't imagine not having issues with a man who treats me the way your DH treats you.

Kaid - do you not think, that regardless of what he thinks about his DS's hair he was wrong to just take him when he knew that his wife and his DS were trying out a new style, had an appointment booked and he lied about where he was taking him so he could get it done behind her back?

It is NOT about the hair

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