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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at someone phoning ss on me

432 replies

AuntiePickleBottom · 18/04/2011 20:58

i have no idea whom has, i think i am a good mum.

the social worker was lovely, and i am glad they did come even if this was a malicious phone call.

but i am so paroniod that someone is watching me now, i can belive someone would phone the ss on me

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntiePickleBottom · 19/04/2011 18:39

sw came back today, and she gave me the reasons why.

apparently i leave my children alone in the house for long periods of time and when i am home i contantly shouting at the kids.

She has closed the case, and will be sending me the report.

i asked her why didn't she say that yesterday, and she did say she needed to speak to my partner 1st ( i also invited my mil down who has the children when i am in work)

just glad it's over now

OP posts:
tallulahxhunny · 19/04/2011 18:41

not being funny but she only called out yesterday so how does she know that you dont?

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2011 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 19/04/2011 18:41

ok,glad you got answers,they will send report on to you
so forge on,try dont dwell on the who and why (easier said than done) but dont let this hang over you either

heliumballoons · 19/04/2011 18:42

I think the fact you got the LO's out of the pool to answer the door yesterday when you were there boded well for you then.

Glad its sorted.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2011 18:43

no dont contact solicitor or seek complainant.too acrimonious and foi they wont tell you anyway.ever

dont get caught up in who/what/why suspecting everyone,it is toxic and time consuming

just get on with your life,day by day

worraliberty · 19/04/2011 18:49

Try and find out who and have a solicitor send them a letter telling them to desist with any untrue, malicious accusations immediately

What's the point? They'll never find out who did it for certain and even if they did, how do you know they were being malicious?

For all we know it might have been genuine concern.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 19/04/2011 18:49

I think that's good advice from scottishmummy . You know you are a good mum and as both parts of the 'accusation' are conclusively groundless (you know if you leave your children alone, and you know you do speak loudly because of your deafness) you know it's not a question of your judgement iykwim.

It will be hard not to question who it was but I think to rise above the meanness and malice of this person is the only thing you can do right now. Of course, if you find out for sure who it was you may want to take a different tack.

vintageteacups · 19/04/2011 18:50

could it be about the swimming pool? Would someone have seen you with the kids in the pool and thought there was no adult with them?

Or if they playing on a trampoline with no net etc?

It could be something very simple that they were just following up.

Or whether there's a parent at school who has heard the wrong story about something from a school child and then complained to ss?

Very odd for her not to tell you why the compaint was made as if were something you could explain, I'm sure you're within your right to do so?

vintageteacups · 19/04/2011 18:52

Sorry - just read the above post explaining what it was about.

Glad it's sorted now Smile

matekiddleton · 19/04/2011 18:56

Op, I think scottishmummy gives good advice and she sounds as if she knows what she is talking about. Poor you. You know the truth. Smile

princessparty · 19/04/2011 19:02

hatti 'I can assure you that getting the message that there were no concerns about one child was such a relief.'

..to you.But think what harm your unfounded allegations have most likely done to those parents and their family...

NestaFiesta · 19/04/2011 19:06

Glad it's sorted OP.

However, as other posters have said, a witchunt is pointless. For one thing, if anonymity was removed, people would be too scared to report genuine absue and concern and this could put genuine victims at risk.

On the other hand, I have been in the uncomfortable position of reporting serious concerns to SS. Sadly, my concerns turned out to be worse than I feared.

HattiFattner · 19/04/2011 19:21

princessparty, so I should have ignored the fact that a 7 year old tried to anally probe another child? ANd that the child had been caught on more than one occasion grabbing the private parts of other children? ANd rubbing his genitals against adults legs? And groping the breasts of adult women and jiggling them?

I don't give a rats arse about the family in this situation - the needs of the child must come first. Like I said, its not my business to investigate WHY the child is acting in this way - the allegations were not unfounded, the child had been witnessed in each of these acts. I passed on our observations, and allowed them to determine what was going on.

Spero · 19/04/2011 19:25

I am glad it is sorted out op.

Fwiw I think it is really, really bad advice to say refuse to let SW in and make their job as difficult as possible. By doing that you run a serious risk of upgrading any concerns from possibly minor to probably major

princessparty · 19/04/2011 19:26

Well they obviously were unfounded if SS investigated and found nothing.I don't personally think 7 yos trying to poke each others arse is unusual

SardineQueen · 19/04/2011 19:30

This is I think the problem that exists, highlighted well in Hatti's last post:

"I don't give a rats arse about the family in this situation"

I think that not giving a rats arse, and the families knowing and sometimes being told that people don't give a rats arse, makes it very difficult for families in this position. It can put them off getting involved with the "authorities" in any way, shape or form again, which is a negative outcome for the children in the family. There are people on these boards who will not seek help for various problems (which are not impacting the children) as they fear what will happen. It doesn't need to be that way and I think it's a terrible shame that it so often is.

HattiFattner · 19/04/2011 19:35

Princessparty - they found a valid reason. a medical condition that effects social functioning. Child was 10 days away from confirmed diagnosis, hence no concerns - paeds report was already on file.

Spero · 19/04/2011 19:37

I understood Hatti to be saying that she isn't going to spend time agonising over how the family's feelings might be hurt if she is wrong when she has serious grounds to be worried about a child. And I absolutely agree with her. Seven yr olds poking each other's bottoms might be harmless fun, could be really disturbing evidence about what is being done to them/what they are witnessing at home.

I am glad there are people who are prepared to be brave and stand up for children who are vulnerable and defenceless. Most children who are hurt and abused are hurt and abused by their parents.

HattiFattner · 19/04/2011 19:39

SArdine, the alternative is to leave a powerless child in a potentially abusive situation. Whose needs are best served by ignoring an abusive situation?

SardineQueen · 19/04/2011 19:46

I never said that anyone should ignore anything.

However there are families on the receiving end of all of this, families which the children are a part of, and the things that they are accused of are not always true. I think that not "giving a rats arse" about the families in this situation can cause problems for the families, and is not a terribly helpful approach.

SardineQueen · 19/04/2011 19:48

There can be repurcussions to reports even when families are given the all clear, people do realise that, don't they? And maybe there would be less of those repurcussions if families weren't left in no doubt that the "authorities" don't give a "rats arse" about them.

new2cm · 19/04/2011 19:56

DillyDaydreaming - I was going to say something similar, although I am not a health visitor.

HattiFattner · 19/04/2011 20:10

sardine, I have lots of families whose parenting do not agree with. Believe me that i thought very carefully and deliberately about reporting both cases.

SO while I facetiously say I don't give a rats arse, actually I do care...very deeply about the children in my care. If I believe that a child is in danger - whether from emotional, sexual abuse or from neglect, I believe that every adult should objectively view the facts and make an informed decision....not hold back from reporting abuse of a child on the basis of what it may or may not do to a family.

The flip side is, of course, that people might think twice about abusing their children if they knew people were more likely to report the abuse.

The second case I mentioned....there is a whole street who have ignored whats going on for fear of upsetting the family. Once the can was opened, the case has ballooned and people came forward. But they knew something was going on...yet no-one said anything. There are now 4 children involved. NO ONE SAID ANYTHING.

Birdsgottafly · 19/04/2011 20:10

It is very dangerous to call for anyone who makes a complaint to SS to be charged if there is no action taken against the childs family. SS cannot have 'a window' into everyone's home and rely on the public to report what they think may be abuse. It would put children and babies at greater risk. In every high profile child death case (and of course others) there has been complaints made of abuse by the public which did not bring charges.

People fear and dislike SS enough as it is, they do not see them in the same light as say the police (keeping everyone safe).

As i said in my earlier post i would rather be questioned than a child slip through the net.

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