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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe she's had a mc????

108 replies

ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 18:27

Some folk will be aware of back story. bit of it here

Anyway - DB phoned last week to say that his DP had had a mc. We were all at a family do this weekend - they were there too, staying overnight. All day Saturday she seemed fine, just her usual self. In the evening (just when the party was getting started and DB was starting to enjoy him self) she said she wasn't feeling well and they went back to their room. I went up to check on how she was (having had 3 mcs myself I know how bad things can be). She says she's got cramps and is bleeding heavily. I ask if she needs anything - does she need pads? She says she only has one left - but she'll be ok (??), I offer her some paracetemol, she says she's on codeine. I explain to DB that folk want to see him and offer to stay with his DP if he wants to go down to rejoin party. His DP then says shes fine and she'll come down. So they rejoin party and are up til wee small hours with us.

SO - why don't I believe her?

Who on earth comes away for the night, miscarrying and only brings 1 pad? Who on earth comes to an all day/night event when miscarrying in a light peach dress? When I was mcing I spent most of my time in the toilet and went through loads of pads etc - She hardly ever visited toilet and seemed to cope with the one pad she had. She was in early preg - about 7 weeks, yet told my Mum that when she'd mced she'd seen the baby with cord etc?? The preg came at a very convenient time for her and she told my Mum that now she'd mced she'd be able to get drunk and enjoy herself (??)

I just don't believe she was ever pregnant.
Would IBU to ask DB more?

OP posts:
sleepysox · 18/04/2011 21:06

On one of my m/cs I bled very lightly initially and the bleeding didn't get going until the following day, so she could easily be miscarrying imo.

StayFr0sty · 18/04/2011 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

droopypoppies · 18/04/2011 21:13

I am beginning to feel quite sorry for your SIL going by this thread and the thread you have linked to.

From what you've said on the two threads, your SIL has a DP with possible MH issues (has he been diagnosed?) who is suspicious of his DP, she is frightened of his mood swings, he was going to leave her, (I don't understand what you mean by his last episode was a month ago, does this relate to his mood swings?), they have money problems, your DB potentially has some form of paranoid disorder (Is this being looked into?), you don't think he has seen a Dr Confused but he 'loses it big style' yet you describe her as a 'lazy cow' and say she is making your DB's life hell. Hmm (How is she involving you all in her dramas?) Your DB's DP has apparently made accusations that your DB is abusive (Is that to her?) and there's not much she can do good in your eyes, because you don't like her.
When you found out she was having a mc, you assumed she was making up drama again to spoil your DB's fun. Confused

You also say you only want what's best for your DB. You make it clear you don't want her to 'stick around' because you don't like her (Why?) and appear to put the blame for their relationship going wrong squarely on her shoulders.
You then say this relationship is destroying your DB. (If he has MH issues that he hasn't even seen a Dr about, he's probably going a long way to destroying the relationship himself tbh.) For that matter, what makes you think he has even got MH issues? Is it because he is paranoid, or that he has anger problems?

It also seems that when you don't get the responses you wanted, you ask for the thread to be deleted.

From the things you have written, it seems to me that your DB's DP is in an abusive relationship, your DB being the abusive one, she can tell you don't like her and is getting little or no support, so didn't want to cause a fuss on the night she was having a mc. Sad
I couldn't live with a man like you describe, and I am quite confident that if your DB's DP posted a thread on here saying what you have said about her DP, the responses would be more supportive than you appear to be, and mners would be very concerned for this poor woman and her DC. Sad Sad Sad

Al0uiseG · 18/04/2011 21:14

I was beginning to miscarry on my wedding day.

Icelollycraving · 18/04/2011 21:15

Haven't read the whole thread. Yabu. Why would you ask him to come & socialise when his partner is mc?
Maybe it was a false alarm pregnancy,maybe she did mc. What business is it of yours??? Disgusting aibu.

Cutiecat · 18/04/2011 22:15

Had you considered that she had been and had an ERPC. Maybe the bleeding was just the after effects of that. I think YABU and also agree with jojowest that you were not being very nice telling your brother to go downstairs leaving her. Leave it up to them. It is their situation to deal with as they wish.

griphook · 18/04/2011 22:39

totally argee with droopypoppies, well put.

Op I think you are jealous of this poor girl, and want you db all to yourself

griphook · 18/04/2011 22:41

alouise, don't really know what to say but i'm really sorry that happened to you,

LynetteScavo · 18/04/2011 22:49

You would be unreasonable to ask your DB more. It's really none of your business.

xstitch · 18/04/2011 22:52

I went to a party the night of one of my MC. Nobody had known I was pregnant so I felt I had to go and put on a brave face. It was really hard work but AFAIK nobody noticed anything was up. I wasn't bleeding that heavily at that time. It wouldn't be entirely unusual not to be thinking logically. I wondered if some of the clots I passed were the 'baby'. They were probably just clots but I did wonder in the state I was in inside. Other MC I bled a lot and couldn't hide it as I flooded everywhere. Just like every pregnancy is different every MC is different

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 18/04/2011 22:54

I carried on working during my miscarriage last year, at first the bleeding was pretty light and I barely had to change my pad but then it got insanely heavy, painful and not very nice, but I didn't take a single day off.
I carried on smiling and doing all the things I normally did - I even joked that I was happy I could 'have a bloody drink' - when inside my heart was breaking and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.
Sometimes to the outside world, life has to go on. But behind closed doors, one weekend I threw myself on my kitchen floor and sobbed hysterically while I was waiting for my friends to come round for a night out.
If anyone had had the audacity to question whether I was in fact having a miscarriage at that point, I probably would have ripped their face off.

Reindeerbollocks · 18/04/2011 23:17

I have a SIL who has created dramas over illnesses which have been unproven or never checked by medical professions (not mc though). She is a drama llama who creates something when she's not getting enough attention.

Honestly, our family know what is happening but it isn't any of our business as we are not in a relationship with her, DB is and he is the one who loves her.

Same with your situation, you will never know whether she has had a mc or not, but you have to take their word for it. If you question your SIL all you will do is appear to be a bitch, and your DB won't thank you for it and you could lose your relationship with him. Give your sympathy to your SIL but keep your concerns to yourself. Plus can you imagine how awful it would be if it was proven to be a mc, and you had bad mouthed her to everyone?

I know you have concerns but this is not your relationship.

FabbyChic · 18/04/2011 23:18

At 7 weeks pregnant when you miscarry surely they still do a D&C afterwards?

I've had two miscarriages one at 11 weeks which resulted in a D&C and one at 18 weeks which resulted in a D&C.

After both I just had what can only be termed a normal period with normal period pains.

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 23:23

no, fabby, they won't necessarily do a d+c after a 7 wk loss

confuddledDOTcom · 18/04/2011 23:53

They don't automatically do them at any stage. It's optional for a start - unless it's an emergency - and the body in most cases can deal with it so they'd try to let it.

Diggs · 18/04/2011 23:57

Re these undiagnosed mental health problems , your brother sounds very very hard to live with . Considering you dont live with them you really dont know what goes on between them . She obviously is supportive and patient towards him .

Morloth · 19/04/2011 00:03

I think it is unhealthy and just plain weird how obsessed you are with your brother.

How can you think it is OK to go into a room where someone is having a moment to deal with her miscarriage with her husband and say that 'people want to see him'? How can even begin to imagine that that is acceptable behaviour?

If I was your SIL, DH would be getting a 'It's her or me' ultimatim.

Their relationship is none of your business.

You sound unhinged.

chipmonkey · 19/04/2011 00:11

I miscarried a twin at 7 weeks. There was ( Sorry TMI!) a large clot with a stringy bit coming out of it. If I wasn't well educated on what a foetus looked like at that stage I may have thought it was a cord. After that bleed, it settled down to what I would consider to be like a normal period and luckily the other twin stayed put!

Would hate to think anyone would think I was making it up and speculating on whether my dh and I should be having another baby in the first place.

insertfunnynicknamehere · 19/04/2011 00:12

You sound lovely OP...

Take up knitting fgs, leave that girl alone.

My DSis sat through a christmas dinner with 40 peple silently miscarrying, joining in the party looking like she had no care in the world. When I asked her how she was a few days later she said there wasnt a bother on her.She was a mess inside really. She put on a face to the world.

You dont like her. Tough your DB picked her. I feel sorry for her having you in her life, contstantly in your DB ear. Leave him be. You do sound obsessed.

HipHopOpotomus · 19/04/2011 05:01

When I mc I was going to see a film. Almost EVERYTHING came out at one time. On an escalator. Not much bleeding during following days.

Frankly I wld be wondering why you were bothering me so much if I were your sil. Didn't sound like she wanted/needed any help really.

Maybe she made it up maybe she didn't - really it's between her and her partner though isn't it? How wld you ever know?

Bluemoonrising · 19/04/2011 06:15

I miscarried at around the same stage, and for me it was very similar to having a period (well, physically anyway).

I too would have gone to a planned family event a few days later, the worst of the emotional trauma (for me) had been by then, and physically it wasn't really an issue.

SlightlyScrambled · 19/04/2011 07:07

If your SIL had of gone around crying and telling everybody how awful it was to mc, I am sure you would of accused her of looking for attention. She is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. You don't like her so see everything in a bad light.

You really need to accept your brothers choice of partner and let him get on with it.
A dose of compassion for yourself is definitely required. If I were you, I'd be embarrassed with my behaviour and apologise to her. But maybe leaving her alone would be even better.

One thing I've noticed over time is that people will choose their partners over family. You could lose your brother if you continue like this.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 19/04/2011 07:13

My mc happening whilst we were staying with my mum as my dad had passed away at the beginning of the week. My mum still has no idea about because she had more than enough to deal with.

Also I saw the sack, cord and placenta, to suggest she's not had a mx is a wicked thing to say. How would you feel if someone told you that?

Megatron · 19/04/2011 08:53

OP you sound ghastly. And very weirdly obsessed with your brother.

I was in a relationship for 3 years with a lovely (but weak) man with a horrendous sister who interfered in every aspect of our relationship and when he asked me to marry him, SHE was a massive reason that I refused. She would never have let me alone, claimed I had said/done things you would not believe and would never have allowed us to have a normal relationship without her sticking her nose in and trying to cause trouble. YOU sound just like her.

Summerbird73 · 19/04/2011 09:07

I had my first MC at 5 weeks - it was exactly like a period. I only took the afternoon off work as i had passed out in the loos Blush If i had to i would have gone to a family do - and would have been mightily pissed off if a SIL tried to drag DH away from me.

My second MC was a month ago at 10 weeks - i was flooding and spent 2 days in hosp (fabby i didnt get a D&C as it had all flooded out of me).

I usually keep away from threads that anger me on here but i had to let you know that i think you are self obsessed and need to leave your brother and SIL alone.

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