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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe she's had a mc????

108 replies

ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 18:27

Some folk will be aware of back story. bit of it here

Anyway - DB phoned last week to say that his DP had had a mc. We were all at a family do this weekend - they were there too, staying overnight. All day Saturday she seemed fine, just her usual self. In the evening (just when the party was getting started and DB was starting to enjoy him self) she said she wasn't feeling well and they went back to their room. I went up to check on how she was (having had 3 mcs myself I know how bad things can be). She says she's got cramps and is bleeding heavily. I ask if she needs anything - does she need pads? She says she only has one left - but she'll be ok (??), I offer her some paracetemol, she says she's on codeine. I explain to DB that folk want to see him and offer to stay with his DP if he wants to go down to rejoin party. His DP then says shes fine and she'll come down. So they rejoin party and are up til wee small hours with us.

SO - why don't I believe her?

Who on earth comes away for the night, miscarrying and only brings 1 pad? Who on earth comes to an all day/night event when miscarrying in a light peach dress? When I was mcing I spent most of my time in the toilet and went through loads of pads etc - She hardly ever visited toilet and seemed to cope with the one pad she had. She was in early preg - about 7 weeks, yet told my Mum that when she'd mced she'd seen the baby with cord etc?? The preg came at a very convenient time for her and she told my Mum that now she'd mced she'd be able to get drunk and enjoy herself (??)

I just don't believe she was ever pregnant.
Would IBU to ask DB more?

OP posts:
TandB · 18/04/2011 18:41

What could you possibly achieve by pushing this? Either there was a pregnancy and they are now very unhappy, or there wasn't a pregnancy and they are in the middle of some other problems that led to them making it up. Either way, what are you going to do about it other than feel vindicated if it turns out not to be true.

It actually sounds like you have already been a bit intrusive - they went up to their room because she said she felt unwell and you followed her up and tried to persuade your brother to come back down, despite his partner apparently needing him, and she finished up coming back down, quite possibly because she felt pressurised.

This clearly isn't anyone's business but theirs.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/04/2011 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GoodnightNobody · 18/04/2011 18:42

and if she has had a termination she will have had her own , private reasons. It has bugger all to do with you or anyone else.

Either way it's not a happy outcome for her so please don't enjoy making judgements on her.

If you don't have a healthy relationship with her, maybe try to get distance.

itchycoopark · 18/04/2011 18:43

Well I guess some things don't add up (the cord thing) but you CAN'T ask your brother more about it. It isn't anything to do with you

saffy85 · 18/04/2011 18:43

YABU no matter how she "involves you in her dramas" it still has nowt to do with you. Leave them to it. She's eiher lost a baby or she's lying about it. Either way she's troubled right now. Interogating her or your brother would be very, very harsh.

ValiumBandwitch · 18/04/2011 18:44

Maybe she had one packet of pads.

RogerMelly · 18/04/2011 18:47

I think if I was his sister I would have been a bit Hmm at the timing of being able to get drunk now and of seeing the baby (I know you can sometimes see, but cord etc just sounds a bit suspect to me and I thought they were free atoms or something at that stage?)

It isn't any of your business though but I can see why you are upset and worried about your brother, it's only normal.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 18:47

sorry folks - but you really have gotten the wrong end of the stick here! But knew I'd get a flaming no matter how I posted this.

I had no intention of "interrogating" her - was actually being very supportive to her, and have only aired views here. The thing about people wanting to see DB was because there were family there who hadn't seen him in years and wouldn't do again - it was their choice to come back to the party. (and she has since posted on facebook about what a great time she had...)

I know how painful mc is, and I know that everyone deals with it differently, which is why I posted on here. Thanks to those of you who've shared your experience.

I don't interfere in their lives at all - recognising that it is NONE of my business, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about things myself.

OP posts:
Ihatemyneighbours · 18/04/2011 18:47

If your instinct is telling you that something is off, and you do know them better than we do, then chances are there is something amiss.

However, what that is is none of your business and you would be making a very big mistake to question your brother and possibly plant ideas in his head when he is already very paranoid. That could be dangerous if he really is unstable.

She may have had a termination, or she may have had a m/c that she was actually relieved to have, she may never have been pregnant or made a mistake thinking she was and he told people before she found out that she wasnt. If either of them is unstable then there are a myriad of things that could have happened.

But whatever it is, it is nothing to do with you and you would be best served keeping your opinions to yourself until such time as they ask you for them. I can appreciate that you are concerned for your brother but you obviously dont like this woman and are not very well place to be unbiased and objective so stay out of it.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 18/04/2011 18:48

I think you would be unreasonable to push it but yanbu to have these thoughts. I have known someone who also faked a miscarriage and I think it is abhorrent and therefore bound to get your back up. Keep your distance and do not involve yourself. After all, it is precisely what attention seekers want.

On the other hand, if she really has suffered a miscarriage I am sure you would be a good support to her if you could.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 18:48

You didn't want them to have the baby anyway.

I think you need to find something else to occupy your mind and leave your brother alone.

Mammie81 · 18/04/2011 18:49

There isnt a cord at that stage I thought. BUT maybe she thought she saw one.

Maybe she knows you are out to get her and said no she didnt need pads to get you to go away?

worraliberty · 18/04/2011 18:50

But you poked your nose in and started posting on here about how you didn't think they should have a baby in the first place...that thread was bad enough as short as it (thankfully) was.

Now this thread too....is there anything your SIL can do right in your eyes?

strandedbear · 18/04/2011 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

droopypoppies · 18/04/2011 18:50

If you somehow discovered that your DB's DP had not had a mc, what would you do with that information? What do you honestly think the outcome of whatever you planned to do would be?

nenevomito · 18/04/2011 18:51

I think it's unreasonable to sit around public chat forums with nothing better to chat about than other people's lives/problems. Are you kidding worraliberty? You're on MN, the home of chatting about other people's lives!!

OP - as one of the PPs said, if she didn't, she must have a whole load of problems going on to make it up. Stop going over it, it doesn't make you look good.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 18:52

Thank-you Ihatemyneighbours,whatsallthehullaballoo

THe originalFAB - whether I thought it was a good idea for them to have a baby is neither here nor there - any baby would have been loved and cared for, and the loss of a baby would have been/is devastating. I would never wish mc on anyone.

OP posts:
MangoTango · 18/04/2011 18:54

Why on earth would you encourage your db to leave his dp to go and socialise at the party while his gf was miscarrying?

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 18/04/2011 18:55

Worraliberty - no, there's little she can do good in my eyes. I don't like her. I'm honest about that - that's why I wanted to get a bit of perspective and other's views on this. I never realised that there is some unwritten rule on MN about only posting about oneself Confused

Droopy - I don't know what I'd do - nothing I suppose, except be there for my DB

OP posts:
worraliberty · 18/04/2011 18:57

I just think some of the things you said about her on the other thread you linked to are horrible.

Especially when you said you don't want her to have another baby because that makes it more likely she'll stay around. They've already got kids haven't they? Why would you not want a family to stay together just because you've taken a dislike to her?

RogerMelly · 18/04/2011 18:58

do they already have children together anyway?

Northernlurker · 18/04/2011 19:06

Different people mean different things by bleeding heavily. If she's a few days in to the miscarriage the bleeding could well have tailed off enough to make one pad ok, maybe she had miscounted and was planning to send dp out later? I can't believe how Miss Marple you are about this tbh. IT'S NONE YOUR CONCERN and yes if you had tried to get my dp/dh to leave me alone with you I would damn well have dragged myself off the bed and rejoined the party!

ragged · 18/04/2011 19:10

yanbu to suspect that things don't add up... but I don't think AIBU was the right forum to air your doubts (then again, I'm not sure if anywhere on MN would be right, nowadays).

renlovesyou · 18/04/2011 19:11

I bet you are bloody hard work in real life. Are you Poirot?

bullet234 · 18/04/2011 19:18

Ok:

1: If something has upset or bothered me, I withdraw, I get even more quiet than I am and I deliberately shy away from asking or accepting help a lot of the time as well. I am very good with the "oh, I'm fine" when I'm not, because when things are really bad with me the whole idea of talking about my emotions is something I cannot deal with. So I may need help, both practical and emotional, but have to be very comfortable and at ease with the person before I can accept it. I suspect I'm not the only one.

2: By seeing the cord she may have meant she saw some matter that she presumed was the cord.

3: She probably wasn't thinking too much about what sort of clothes to wear, if she was miscarrying her wardrobe could well have been the last thing on her mind.

4: For the record, I know of one woman (not myself) who went to a party only a short while after she had had a very upsetting miscarriage and smiled and talked and socialised and I know only a small part of what she was going through and I know from that that she was devastated.

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